A Beautiful Mess (39 page)

“I’ll miss you, too,” Olivia whispered. Alexander had no idea how much she would miss him. This was the final good-bye and she couldn’t really even say everything she wanted to. No. She put all that in the letter. If she didn’t do it this way, he would convince her to stay, only to leave her broken hearted later. This had to happen.

She punched her code into the keypad and opened her front door, quickly disarming the alarm system. “I’ll see you in my dreams,” Olivia said, turning to Alexander as he was getting into his car.

Alexander blew her a kiss before she closed her front door. She leaned against the door and all of her emotions over the past few months came flooding forward as tears began to flow.

She cried for all the missed kisses. All the nights she decided to stay at her house instead of going over Alexander’s place. All the times she could have gone up to his office to see him but instead stayed in her own office. All those missed opportunities to be close to him. She cried for herself. But mostly, she cried for Alexander. Her beautiful Alexander.

She wasn’t in love with him, but even if she was, she didn’t know what love felt like. If it felt like the way she was feeling at that moment, she was okay with running from it. She had never been in so much pain in her life. But if she stayed and got even closer, that pain would be even worse. She needed to leave before the pain became so unbearable that she couldn’t survive.

Nepenthe came up to Olivia, purring as he rubbed against her. “Ready for a new adventure?” she asked, drying her eyes with her sleeve. Nepenthe continued to rub against her, purring even louder. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Olivia went up to her room and grabbed some clothes and her running sneakers. She packed up her acoustic guitar and left everything else as it was. She made a mental note to let her money manager know she would be out of town and to take care of her bills until further notice.

Looking out the front window, she saw a black SUV sitting watch. She didn't recognize the person behind the wheel. Grabbing her bags, she walked down to her basement and out the back door to her Audi sitting in the back alley, loading the few items she chose to take into the car. She went back inside and put Nepenthe in his large cat carrier, packing his food and some toys. Placing her cell phone on the kitchen counter, she left behind the only life she knew.

She drove her car down the back alley, her heart beating wildly that her protection detail would notice her. When she finally merged onto the Mass Pike and determined that no one had followed her, she let out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding.

Looking at the city she had grown to love in the rear-view mirror, she knew that she had made such a mess of everything.

It was time to go.

Again.

A
LEXANDER
went to the office on his way home to brief the security team that would be assigned to Olivia. There were a total of six people assigned to her, with Carter taking the lead in assigning jobs and duties.

“Sir, if it’s okay, I think it might be best if we have a female look after her at night. It just might make more sense, especially considering we would be staying in one of her guest rooms.”
 

“Yes. That will only be necessary on the nights that she is not with me. But absolutely. And you’re one of my best agents, so you’ll be on this full time, if you’re okay with that. I don’t want anything to happen to her.”

“Of course not, sir,” Marshall replied, the other agents nodding their heads in agreement.

“Okay then. I think we’re all set here. Carter, you’ll take the first shift tomorrow. Thompson is over there now, but since she’s comfortable with you, I’d like for you to arrange a time for her to meet the rest of the team.”

“Yes, sir,” Carter replied as Alexander walked out of the conference room. A few minutes later, he was on his way to his penthouse, looking forward to seeing Runner.

He was nearly knocked over when he opened the door to his home. “Hey, buddy. Happy to see me?” Runner kept jumping up, trying to lick Alexander’s face, his tail wagging. “Easy buddy. Let me unpack and then we’ll go for a walk, okay?”

Runner heard the word walk and started running around like crazy. “Silly dog,” he said, bringing his suitcase upstairs into the master bedroom. He threw it on the bed and slowly started to unpack.

When he was almost done, an envelope caught his eye. It had his name written on it in Olivia’s handwriting. He looked at it, confused. His heart sank as he read the letter contained in the envelope.

Alexander,

I hate that I’m writing this letter, but I now know that it needs to be written. First, let me say that the few months I’ve known you have been the best in my life. You have opened my eyes to new things and my heart to new feelings. And I treasure every moment that I was able to spend time with you. My only regret is not spending more time with you.

I realized something over the weekend. Something I wish I hadn’t come to terms with. But, the truth is, I will never be able to make you happy. And I wish that wasn’t true. I have so much baggage and I know in the end I will only hold you back. I want you to be happy, but you will never have that with me. I will always be pulling away from you, scared that you’ll leave me. It’s hard enough for me to write this letter knowing that my heart is aching. But this heartache is nothing compared to what it will be when you have to move past me.

When I look at you, I see this beautiful, normal human being. And then there’s me with all my craziness. And I know at some point, you won’t be able to handle all the crazy anymore. I’m just preventing you from wasting your time, waiting for me to sort out my issues. Because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.

I just have one wish and that’s for you to move on. Forget about me. I know it will be hard. It will be painful for me. I may not be able to forget about you. But one day, eventually, the sun will shine a little brighter and someone new will walk into your life that can make you happy. Who will fill that missing piece of your heart. But it isn’t me.

This is more than just good-bye. I know I will never gaze into those eyes of yours again. Those beautiful green eyes that have haunted my dreams since we met. I need to let you go. Those eyes are no longer mine to gaze into, your lips not mine to kiss, your heart not mine to possess.

What we had was beautiful. But then I come and make a mess of everything with all my baggage. And that’s what this all is. One big beautiful mess that I need to walk away from. Call it self-preservation.

I wasn’t lying when I said I would see you in my dreams. It’s where I can always hold you close and dear and never let go. And from now on, I will cherish those dreams.

 
Olivia

Alexander sank onto the bed. Why was she doing this? It wasn’t her decision to make. How could she try to control his happiness? He was happy with her. And he didn’t care how many times she closed up or tried to push him away, he would never leave her. Why couldn’t she believe that?

He ran downstairs and grabbed his cell phone off the kitchen island. He pressed Olivia’s contact, his heart beating rapidly as the phone rang. After several rings, the voicemail picked up. “Shit!” he yelled. He grabbed Runner’s leash and called for the dog to follow him. After descending down to the garage, Alexander ran to his car, Runner close behind. He knew it was a desperate move, but maybe if Olivia saw Runner, she would reconsider.

Alexander sped through the rush hour downtown Boston traffic and slammed on the brakes outside of Olivia’s house. He grabbed Runner. Thompson ran out of the black SUV, catching up with his boss.

“Everything okay, sir?” the ex-marine asked.

Alexander had a grim look on his face. “I’m not sure, but you’re free to go. I’ll take over for now.” He took the steps up to the front door, banging on it.

“Olivia!” he yelled. “Open up! We need to talk!” He listened. Nothing. He knocked again. Still nothing.

He punched the numbers into the keypad on the door and then disarmed the security system.

“Olivia? Are you home?” He scanned the house, letting Runner loose. He ran up to the master bedroom. It looked as though someone left in a hurry, clothes scattered all over the place and hangers thrown on the ground. He ran back downstairs before throwing open the door to the basement. He had never been down there. Dashing down the stairs, he saw how she had gotten away unnoticed by the protection detail sitting out front. Opening the back door, he looked into a small back alley that ran behind the entire block.
 

“Fuck!” he screamed as he ran back upstairs and looked for Nepenthe. She wouldn’t abandon an animal, no matter how desperately she wanted to disappear. His heart sank when he saw that his food and bowls were missing. He walked into the kitchen and let out a loud sob when he saw her cell phone sitting on the counter.

He fell to the floor, leaning against the kitchen cabinets. Runner came up, nuzzling into him. “She’s gone, boy. The only woman I’ve ever loved and she’s gone.” He pulled the dog close to him and they sat there processing what had just happened for what could have been seconds or hours.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Olivia? Are you in there?” a female voice sounded, bringing Alexander back to the present. “Libby?”

Alexander stood up and saw Kiera walking into the kitchen. “Oh, Alex. I’m sorry. Where’s Libby?” Alexander just stared at her, his eyes swollen and sunken from crying. “What happened? Is something wrong?” Kiera asked.

“You could say that,” Alexander replied, his voice an empty shell. “She left, Kiera. She ran. I don’t know where she is.” He sounded so lost. He just stared out the windows, still processing everything that happened.

“What do you mean she left?” Kiera asked, the panic sounding in her voice. “When will she be back?”

“I don’t think she will.” He looked back at the clock in the kitchen and saw that it was past nine at night. He had been sitting there for nearly four hours. Four hours he could have been looking for her. He started to do the math in his head. She probably had about an eight-hour head start on him. That was such a long time. She could be anywhere.

“I need to go, Kiera,” he said, snapping back to it. “I need to find her.”

“Alex, wait. She’s done this before. And, well, she just doesn’t want to be found. Give her time. She will come back. I went through this with her right after she graduated from college. She will come back. I know it. But if you try to find her, you might just push her even further away.”

“How do you know she’ll come back?” he asked, his eyes filling with tears once more. “She told me to move on and I just don’t think I can do that, Kiera.”

“I know, Alex. I know. But she will come back. She always does. It may not be tomorrow or next week or next month or next year.”

“Why? I don’t understand,” Alexander said, trying to subdue the knot in his throat.

“Running away is the only thing she knows how to do when she’s scared. When she was growing up, everyone who said they would always be there for her, left. So she pushes everyone away.”

“But, I love her. I’ll never leave her. I need to find her…”

~~~~~~~~~~

Around three in the afternoon the following day, Olivia pulled her Audi in front of a beach house. She found the rental when she stopped for gas the previous night and immediately agreed to pay for six months up front, sight unseen.

“It’s perfect,” Olivia said.

She grabbed Nepenthe out of the back seat, thankful that he didn’t mind car rides all that much.

“You must be Miss Adler,” an older gentleman said, walking down the front deck to meet Olivia.

“Yes. Mr. Robinson?”

“That’s me.”

Olivia grabbed the envelope with the cash for the beach rental and handed it over to Mr. Robinson. He gave her the keys and left Olivia to take in her surroundings.

Amelia Island, Florida. It was perfect. Small and quaint. Not overrun with tourist traps that plague most Florida beaches. And she found a great three-bedroom house on the north end of the island right on the water. It was exactly what she needed to help clear her mind and move on. A little sun and sand could do wonders for the soul.

Then why was the only thing on her mind Alexander? She wondered how he had reacted when he got her letter, if he even found it. She felt guilty for leaving town without telling Kiera and Mo, but it was necessary. It had to be done.

She unpacked the few things that she brought with her, setting up Nepenthe’s food bowls and pouring him some fresh food and water. He ran over and began to eat, purring in appreciation. She collapsed on the couch in the large open living room, exhausted from her long drive. She hadn’t eaten since breakfast the day before, but she had no appetite.

“If this is what a broken heart feels like, I did the right thing, didn’t I, Nepenthe?”

The cat looked up from his bowl, a scowl across his face from his meal being interrupted. She grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch, thankful that she found a fully furnished rental, and pulled it over her. She fell asleep, listening to the crash of the waves from the Atlantic Ocean, thinking to herself how that was her worst birthday yet.

To Be Continued…

Honky Tonk Woman
- The Rolling Stones

Paradise By the Dashboard Light
-
Meatloaf

Something Like Olivia
- John Mayer

Pride and Joy
- Brandi Carlile

The Blower’s Daughter
- Damien Rice

Your Song
- Elton John

Sleeping to Dream
- Jason Mraz