A Beautiful Struggle (16 page)

When my phone beeped that it had a message,
I jumped up and retrieved it from the coffee table, where I had left it after
speaking to my mother.

Not surprisingly the message was from David
–
Went by ur house but ur mum said u were out. So sorry about last night, I
am an idiot.

I couldn’t be angry at David because if he
hadn’t disappeared, then I wouldn’t have just had the most intense sexual
experience of my life so far. 

I typed back -
Don’t worry about it,
just glad ur safe. Was worried.

He messaged straight back,
Where r u?
Can we talk?

Typing again I answered,
With Elliot in
city still. Talk tomorrow?

I sat there looking at my phone waiting for
it to beep again and was disappointed when it didn’t. Elliot moved into my
field of vision as he sat our breakfast dishes on the table.

“Everything ok?” he asked me for the second
time that morning.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just David this
time - saying sorry for ditching me last night.” I moved back over to the table
and sat down with Elliot, “This looks great.” I told him, starting to dig in.

“I think I’ll have to thank David for
ditching you last night. I would have had to settle for dreaming about you last
night instead of getting to spend time with the real thing.”

I blushed a little, “You wouldn’t have had
to wait long. I was supposed to come to dinner tonight remember.”

“I do remember,” he said. “Do you still
want to do that? Or do you have to get home?”

“I think I would still like to do that, if
that’s alright with you of course. Not sick of me yet?”

He leaned over and kissed me, “Um let me
think - a beautiful woman who rocks my world and can talk sports with me; hmmm,
no, I can’t see myself getting sick of you any time soon.” He had finished his
eggs and took his plate to the sink leaning against it as he spoke to me, “I
planned on going to the shops to get food for dinner tonight though if you
don’t mind coming along?”

“Sure, you wouldn’t happen to have some
women’s clothes laying around would you? I don’t really want to go out looking
like I just stepped out of a club.”

“I’ll give you a shirt to wear over your
dress if you like. Will that do?”

“That will be fine, thanks.” I smiled,
downing the last of my coffee. I stood up with my dishes and he moved towards
me to take them, placing them in the sink.

He was a good ten centimetres taller than
me in bare feet, and he leaned down to kiss me again, “But first, will you
shower with me?”

I raised my eyebrows at him, and my eyes
drifted to his chest. “You mean, I get to rub soap all over your body?” I asked
tracing my fingers along the grooves between his muscles.

“I was thinking the same thing about you,”
he growled at me before he swooped me up and carried me laughing to the shower.

We didn’t end up making it out of the house
to buy supplies for dinner, instead we spent the day exploring each other’s
bodies and minds – touching, tasting, whispering and, moaning together.

By the time our stomachs growled it was six
o’clock, so we rummaged through his kitchen, deciding on fish finger
sandwiches, topped off with a can of coke.

“I’m sorry this isn’t a nicer dinner,” he
said to me as we ate quietly.

“Don’t be,” I nudged into him. “It’s
perfect.” We locked eyes for a moment, completely engrossed by the pull our
bodies seemed to emit around each other. He edged his chair closer to mine,
lifting my leg so it was resting across his lap. With light fingertips, he ran
his hand up and down it, giving me goose bumps all over.

“Will you stay again tonight?” he asked me
in a husky voice.

“I would love to, you don’t know how much I
want to - but I should be getting home,” I told him, registering the
disappointment in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I just think my father would kill me if
I came home tomorrow in the clothes I went out in on Friday night.”

He nodded his understanding, “I drive you
home after this then.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that, it’s too
far. Just drop me off at the train station, I have to get my car anyway.”

“Well then, I will drive you to your car,”
he insisted.

On the drive home something changed between
us, the bubble we had been in while I was at his house had burst, and the real
world had begun to seep through with its glaring reality.

For the next, I didn’t know how long; I
wasn’t allowed to be openly affectionate with him. I wasn’t allowed to touch
him, to flirt with him, to give him meaningful looks. I felt a sense of loss as
I sat there watching the scenery go by while the car brought us closer to the
end of that perfect time together.

“You’re very quiet,” Elliot observed.

“Maybe I should just quit,” I blurted out.

He glanced at me before setting his eyes
back on the road, giving me a humourless smile, “Quit what? Work? I would never
expect you to do that. Besides, it wouldn’t matter, even if you did.”

“What do you mean it wouldn’t matter? If
I’m not working there, then the ‘no dating’ policy shouldn’t matter.”

“I read over it; it says that you can’t
date a
recent
employee either. So it really doesn’t matter.” He glanced
at me again and took my hand in his, resting them both on his leg as he drove.
“We’ll be ok. We just have to stay away from each other at the office so no one
notices any change in our interactions.” He glanced my way again, making sure I
was in agreement. “Listen, how about, we skip drinks on Friday and go to my
place instead?”

“What about your schmoozing time with the
partners?”

“I think I can take one night off from
that,” he reasoned, giving my hand a light squeeze.

After agreeing to see him again the next
Friday night, I felt more optimistic. A plan was in place so at the very least,
we would continue our relationship. Although, I still couldn’t help but feel
that we’d never move beyond what we were at that point – a secret.

If I wasn’t so hopelessly enamoured with
Elliot, keeping things a secret probably wouldn’t have bothered me. Normally,
when I was apart from someone I was dating, it was kind of ‘out of sight, out
of mind’ for me. With Elliot, it was different. Everything about him set my
senses alive and since first meeting him, I had thought about him constantly.
It was going to be a struggle for me to pretend there was nothing going on
between us when all I ever wanted to do around Elliot, was jump into his arms.

I directed him to the back parking lot of
Penrith Station and he pulled in next to my car, a white 1979 Mazda 323. The
owner before me had installed central locking and put cow print seat covers
inside it, which was what made me fall in love with it when I first saw it. I
didn’t even want to test drive it; I just wanted it. Luckily, it runs well and
my father is a good mechanic, so he keeps it on the road for me.

I got out and checked it over, feeling
relieved that nothing untoward had happened to it overnight.

“Cute car,” Elliot commented, following me
over.

“Thanks, she’s my baby.” I smiled, patting
the roof as I leaned casually against the driver’s door.

“So… Friday?” he asked, standing against
me, his arms around my waist as he leaned in, brushing his lips against my own.

Parting my lips, I captured his mouth in
mine, kissing him tenderly in farewell. Feeling bittersweet in the knowledge
that this would be our last chance for a whole week.

“Friday,” I agreed, reluctantly getting
into my car, putting an end to our all too brief encounter.

Instead of going straight home I decided to
drive past David’s house to see if his car was there, he still hadn’t messaged
me back, and I wanted to make sure he was ok.

Knocking twice, I stepped inside, finding
his mother curled up on the couch, reading a book. “Hi Trina dear!” she greeted
me, closing her book over her finger to momentarily mark her place, as I leaned
down, giving her a cheek kiss. “You look lovely! Are you and David going out
for a night on the town?”

I looked down at the dress I was still
wearing from Friday. “No, not tonight,” I told her. “I was just coming over to
chat with David. Is he in? I saw his car outside.”

“Yes, he’s in his room. Go right on
through.”

“Thanks Mrs Taylor.”

She returned to her book as I walked down
their narrow hallway to David’s bedroom door. I tapped on it twice and opened
it, revealing David lying on his bed, studying and listening to music with
headphones on.

He smiled when he first saw me and set his
work aside, sitting up as he removed the buds from his ears and switched his music
off. As his eyes skittered across my dress, his smile disappeared and his face
darkened.

“I see you haven’t been home yet,” he
commented.

“No, I haven’t. I was worried when you
didn’t message me back. I thought you might need to talk - more than I need to
change my clothes.”

“Everything’s fine, Katrina. You worried
yourself unnecessarily.”

“Everything’s not fine David. Where did you
go last night? I looked everywhere for you.”

Instead of answering me, he became
defensive, “You can’t have looked too hard for me. You were gone by the time I
got back.”

“We had missed
two
trains David! I
looked for you and waited for over an hour!”

“I would never leave you on your own. I
went back for you,” he argued.

“How was I to know you were coming back? I
couldn’t find you David. You weren’t answering your phone. You obviously
weren’t checking your messages, and I didn’t want to catch the train on my own.
Did you expect me to just hang around by myself?”

“Well you weren’t on your own were you?
Everyone told me you went off with that Connor guy and then the next day you
tell me you were with Elliot. Doesn’t sound very lonely to me Katrina.”

“Why are you angry with me?” I asked
incredulously.

“I’m not angry; I’m annoyed that you didn’t
trust that I would come back for you.”

Huffing out my breath, I sat slumped, next
to him on the bed. “You still haven’t told me where you were,” I pointed out.

He looked down and brought his knee up to
his chest taking on a defensive posture, “I was with Beth,” he told me quietly.

My head buzzed with aggravation, I knew
that was going to be his answer, and really, I had no right to be annoyed at
him. Especially considering that I had slept with someone from my work too; but
dammit, I was pissed.

“What is your fucking problem David?! Do
you have to screw every girl you come across? I thought I asked you to leave
the girls I work with alone!”

“You’re such a fucking hypocrite Katrina!
Who gives a shit if I screw a girl you work with? I’m not the one breaking any
rules, running around in secret, and leading some Irish guy on because of it.
Get the fuck over yourself Katrina, it was a screw. She knows it was nothing
more than that.”

“Does she? What about the next time, when
you have moved on to, I don’t know – Kayley, or Albina? What then? Do you think
she will understand when she’s watching that? Hell, I don’t understand when I
am watching that!”

“Well it bothers me watching you use some
guy on the dance floor, and it bothers me that you went running off to fuck
some guy that’s going to cost you your job, leaving me to make
my
way
home on my own - but that doesn’t seem to bother you.”

I opened my mouth to say something back,
but I had nothing, we were just saying things to hurt each other and I wanted
to go home.

Closing my eyes, I let out a shaky breath.
“I’m sorry David,” I said, my voice small as I stood under his stoic gaze and
left his room, closing the door quietly behind me.

I don’t really know which part I was sorry
for – perhaps the situation as a whole; I just knew that when I left his room,
I had lost any joy I had been feeling over the events of the past 24 hours.

Back at work on Monday, I felt unlike
myself. I still hadn’t spoken to David after our argument on Saturday
afternoon, and my time with Elliot was starting to feel more like a dream than
a reality. When I did see him in the office, he didn’t even look at me, adding
to my sense of unease.

Normally spending Monday lunch with David,
I was at a loss on my own. Grabbing a chicken salad wrap at the kiosk across
the street, I went to sit outside, amongst the groups of people chatting around
the water fountain in the Martin Place plaza. I had hoped that being around
others would make me feel less lonely, but it only served to exacerbate my
alienation.

Deep in thought, I threw pieces of flat
bread to the pigeons milling about on the pavement for entertainment, until I
saw Kayley waving and moving towards me.