A Beautiful Struggle (26 page)

“Let me guess. You're going out to Pontoon
afterwards?”

“Hell yeah, we all love it there, there’s
dancing, food, billiards and best of all – couches. I just love the couches.
Are you coming this time? You’ve been notably absent these past couple of
months.”

“Well, it’s a bit uncomfortable being
around Beth these days. So I thought it best to stay away.”

Kayley laughed, “You know her and Bianca
only come out with us when you’re there, they normally have nothing to do with
us.”

“Really?” I said taken aback slightly.

“Yep,” she drummed her hands on the top of
my partition, “Well, I’m off – do you want me to go downstairs with you and
show you where the bus picks us up?”

“That would be great Kayley, thanks.”

When the time came to leave, the entire
office stood on the side of the road and waited for the two buses the company
had hired to safely ferry us all to the Park Hyatt. The function room was
beautifully appointed with round tables covered in white linens and festive
silver and blue centrepieces, surrounding a buffet and a small dance floor.

Christmas music was crooning out of the
speakers and waiters were circulating with trays of wine and beer. There was a
bar at the back of the room that served spirits for you to buy and soft drinks,
which were free.

I took a glass of wine from one of the
trays and walked towards the nearest table to inspect the settings. I noticed
there were name cards at each table telling us where to sit.

“Oh god, I hope I’m not seated next to my
boss,” Kayley said from beside me, “I’m going to find out where I am and move
my name if I’m not happy.” She gave me a mischievous look before dashing off to
find her name.

I really wasn’t fussed about where I was
sitting and spent a bit of time chatting to a few people I knew and admiring
the Christmas decorations around the room. They were all white faux pine with
silver and royal blue decorations, the light in the room had a blue hue to it
as well and they were pumping that smoke they use in night clubs into the room
at floor level, creating a very misty swirl as everyone moved around.

“So what do you think of it all?” Carmen
asked as she approached me smiling warmly.

“It’s lovely, almost – magical,” I breathed
looking around, “I think this is the fanciest place I’ve ever been to.”

“Me too, they go all out don’t they?”

I nodded, still looking around the room,
feeling like I had entered some kind of Christmas wonderland.

“Have you found your name card yet?” she
asked me.

“No, I’ve been too busy admiring the room.”

“Well, you had better claim your seat fast,
people are rearranging the cards – you’ll get stuck next to someone awful if
you’re not quick enough,” she warned me.

I laughed, “Well in that case. I'd better
get moving.”

I wished Carmen a good time and started to
make my way around the tables trying to find my name. A lot of people had
already taken their seats and were chatting happily. I spotted Kayley already
seated and she signalled to me that she didn’t know where my name was.

My heart fell when I finally found my name.
I hadn’t even considered the possibility of placed there. I was seated on the
right-hand side of Elliot, to his left was Beth and to her left was Bianca.
There were eight people to a table and two others, that I didn’t know, were
sitting across from me. I stood back from the table a little, not really
wanting to sit down just yet.

Ken, the partner I had spoken to at drinks,
stood up at the front of the room tapping the microphone to get everyone’s
attention, “If everyone could please find their seats. The buffet will soon
start, then we’ll have some speeches, a few fun awards and a bit of dancing when
the eating is all done.”

I rolled my eyes and huffed out my breath
as I moved forward and roughly dragged my chair out to sit down. I didn’t
bother looking at the three that I already knew. I just smiled and nodded at
the four I didn’t know, introducing myself to the person who had come to sit at
my right. He was softly spoken, and I struggled to hear him over the noise of
the room but I thought he introduced himself as Eric.

“Long time no see,” Elliot murmured in my
ear.

Turning slowly, I levelled my gaze on him,
and I could see his eyes darken. He still set off the primal responses in my
body but I didn’t have that same need or want for him when I looked at him now.
“Well, I have been avoiding you. I thought that was what you wanted,” I shot
quietly back at him, fixing a saccharine smile on my face as I did so.

“No, it’s not what
I
wanted, my
father…”

“I don’t want to hear it. This isn’t the
time or the place to be having this conversation Elliot,” I flicked my eyes to
Beth and Bianca, noting their tilted heads as they strained their ears in an
effort to hear what we were saying.

“Who cares about those two!” he burst out,
louder than he should.  “What are they going to do? Dob on us for talking?”

That’s when it dawned on me, “Did you move
my name card here on purpose?”

His eyes flicked to the place card in front
of me before settling on my own again. “I needed to talk to you,” he admitted.

“Here? You couldn’t just pick up the
phone?”

“Would you have answered if I did?”

I opened my mouth to say yes but shut it
abruptly when I realised that no, I probably would have let it ring out. So I
answered, “That first week yes, but now – no I wouldn’t have.”

“See?” he pointed out.

“Fine Elliot, talk – but understand that it
will change nothing.”

He nodded his head towards Beth, “I heard
that you’re with David now, I guess there was something to worry about there
after all,” he commented.

“Who knows Elliot, maybe I would have
sacrificed my friendship with David for you – things were fairly intense
between us, I thought I loved you. But…” I shook my head and shrugged my
shoulders to indicate that we’ll never know.

His eyes skimmed over me, and he grunted
slightly. I turned my head away from him when it was announced that the buffet
was being served. Tables were being called up one at a time to choose their
meals.

Letting out my breath, I turned back to
him, “So is that why you moved me here? So you could question me about David?”

He shook his head, “No, I’m sorry – it’s
really none of my business anymore; I’m the one that ruined things, so I was
out of line there. I just… I just wanted to talk to you and explain myself. I
want to say how sorry I am.”

“Elliot, there’s nothing to explain – I
already know that your father threatened to cut you off for dating a western
suburbs girl; I obviously wasn’t worth fighting for and that’s fine – I accept
that. But I think I will be forever pissed at you for giving me the silent
treatment instead of having the decency to break it off with me.”

He looked down at his hands, “I know. I
went about it all wrong, and I’m so sorry for that. I guess I just knew that if
I spoke to you; I wouldn’t be able to go through with it, and then I’d be out on
my own.” He spoke quietly like he was a small child. When I used to look at
Elliot, I saw a man who had his life together and everything going for him; now
I saw him as a boy who was petrified of going against his father.

“I don’t know what to say to you Elliot,
I’m sorry that your father’s money holds such importance to you that you let it
rule your decisions. I’ve never had lots of money so to me; the choice to
follow my heart would have been easy.” I shook my head, searching for the words
to convey how I felt about everything that had happened between us, “You hurt
me a lot, Elliot. You made me feel special, you told me you loved me; you let
me love you and then poof,” I used my hands to mime the word, “it was all gone
and all I got was an insult about being a westie from your father and not so
much as a text message from you. That hurt me greatly, Elliot, it broke my
heart. But it’s you, I feel most sorry for,” he knitted his brows together as
he listened to me. “You’re the one that lost out here Elliot. You gave up what
you thought was love, for money, money Elliot! I just can’t understand that.”

“I’m sorry Katrina,” he barely whispered.
His hand twitched toward mine, but he seemed to realise what he was doing and
curled his fingers underneath instead, “I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am.
You don’t know how many times I started to call you, how many times I wrote an
email… I know things have changed for you, but my feelings are still the same –
I fucked up, I fucked up big time; and I can’t change that now, I wish I could,
but - I can’t,” his handsome face was etched with pain as he spoke to me.

Our table got called to go up to the
buffet, and the others around us stood to make their way over, leaving Elliot
and I on our own for a moment. I watched Beth and Bianca hesitate as they
stood, desperately wanting to stay to try to find out what Elliot and I were
talking about. I stood as well turning to Elliot, who was still sitting.

“I am really sorry too Elliot, what we had
was really special to me. Just be thankful this all happened early on while we
were only getting started. At least we weren’t too invested in each other yet.
Things would have been a lot harder the longer we were together.” I touched him
lightly on the shoulder and started to make my way to the buffet, but he caught
my hand and held me there.

“I’m
still
invested in you,” he said
looking at me sincerely.

I pulled my hand from his. “I’m sorry
Elliot, but I’m not.” Walking away from him, I ignored the watchful eyes of
others, chancing a glance back towards him when I reached the buffet. He was
sitting sideways in his chair slouched over with his elbows on his knees, and
his hands clasped together as he stared at the floor. He took a deep breath and
sat up, running his hands over his face and through his hair. I decided then
that I was going to resign from this job, now fully understanding the reason
for the 'no dating' policy – it’s hard to be around someone you once loved,
even harder to work with them.

As I watched him walk over to the buffet,
he gave me a small smile and shrugged his shoulders in capitulation; it was
then that I made my next decision – to forgive him. He was clearly torturing
himself over what happened, whether I continued to be angry at him or not was
really of no consequence anymore. It was time that I looked on our relationship
for what it was - a beautiful struggle; one that we ultimately lost, but it was
wonderful and all-consuming while it lasted. I couldn’t hate him for that.

I got through the necessary parts of the
Christmas party trying to talk pleasantly to everyone at my table. Even
attempting some nice conversation with Beth and Bianca – I got scowls in
response but, at least I tried to make the best of things.

When everyone started dancing I slipped
outside to call David and tell him what had just happened.

“Are you ok?” he asked when I was finished,
concern edging his voice.

“I’m fine, I actually feel a lot better
about everything now. I guess I just needed some closure, you know?”  I told
him.

“I’m glad you got the chance to talk to
him, Trina,” he said sincerely.

“Thank you David, I’m glad too.”

“Although I do feel sorry for the guy.”

“Why is that?”

“Because you’re a hard woman to get over
Trina. I tried - and I failed miserably”

I laughed through my nose, “You’re sweet.”

“You’re beautiful,” he cooed down the line,
setting the butterflies in my stomach a flutter.

“I’d better get back in there, I’ll see you
tonight?”

“You will, I’ll call you when I’m finished.
Love you.”

“Love you too,” I smiled as I hung up the
phone and went back inside to re-join the party, feeling much lighter now that
I had spoken to my best friend, my love.

After I left Turner Barlow & Smith, I
went to work at a much smaller law firm as an office all-rounder. I loved it
there, getting to do some paralegal work and have a lot more hands-on
experience before I finished my degree. I was offered a full-time position when
I graduated and became junior solicitor specialising in family law, although
being in a small law firm – I was called upon to help out in other areas as
well.

David was taken on full time where he had
been working as well. We were both moving forward in our career and our
relationship, pooling our funds so that we could get a very small and crappy
flat, as close to the city as we could afford. It was cramped and a constant
mess, but we loved it.

I had given up triathlons after a less than
stellar performance at uni that semester I was working and dealing with my
personal issues.

I still trained to maintain my fitness and
it was whilst out running during my lunch break that I saw Elliot again after
almost two years of no contact.

Waving when he saw me, he excused himself
from the slightly overweight man he was with and trotted over to me. He looked
exactly as I remembered him, his hair was perhaps a little longer but
everything else was still the same. As he got closer I noticed that his shirt
advertised a personal training company.