A Brief Moment in TIme (3 page)

As he worked, his thoughts fixated on the woman they’d just heard.
Does she really believe that we’re all the same? Does she honestly see herself as equal to the men she just addressed?
He questioned again what the benefit of that kind of reasoning would be.
Is it for real or just some new psychological trickery, a way to mess with our minds?

Gavin believed the mind was a complicated thing, capable of more than most people believed. He’d proved it over the years. He could escape in his mind when he was alone at night. He’d honed it well, but he’d never spoken of it to anyone, not even his family who visited him regularly.

He wondered what this woman’s view might be on subjects like that. He doubted it was something he’d ever be comfortable sharing, but still he was curious.

Gavin looked up to see Rocco walking toward him with a scowl on his face.

“I can’t work with the kid, Gavin. I don’t know if you’ve heard the rumors, but I’ve heard some pretty wild stuff about him. I believe it, too. You just have to look at his eyes—something about him is really disturbing.”

Gavin coughed to keep from laughing as he listened to the older man’s concerns. Rocco was a friend of Stubby’s and as superstitious as they come. Gavin’s plan was going smoothly.

“All right, send him over here.”

Ryan appeared minutes later, and Gavin put him to work tightening some bolts on the planer. After a few minutes of silence, he hoped the kid would be content with the lack of communication, but it didn’t last.

“How long till you get out?”

“A year, maybe longer.” Gavin was eligible for parole within the year, but most were denied the first time, and he didn’t want to get his hopes up.

“What are you gonna do?”

“Don’t know yet,” Gavin shrugged.

“What’s that rehab program all about?”

“I guess they want to try and make respectable citizens out of us.”

“We’re no different than they are.”

Gavin stared at the kid. The statement came out of nowhere, yet it was oddly similar to the one the psychologist woman had made earlier. Again it wasn’t so much from a place of defiance as a place of knowing. He wondered what made the kid tick, how his mind worked.

“Why do you say that?” Gavin asked.

“It’s who we all are, deep down. You, me, that guard.” Ryan motioned ever so slightly with his head. “We’re all the same.”

“In what way?”

Chapter 3

AGAIN, GAVIN woke up in a panic, drenched in sweat as the morning bell sounded. It was becoming an uncomfortable pattern—one that he longed to change.

He’d been attending the group sessions three times a week for two weeks already, and individual sessions were scheduled to start that morning. The woman that had introduced the program was the facilitator of his group, but she was different from the woman who’d spoken in the assembly that first morning. She seemed more relaxed as she got to know the men, and as she loosened up, she let more of her personality show. Gavin was truly enjoying the meetings and was looking forward to the individual sessions.

She led the group in a guided meditation at the start of each meeting. At first the men found it a joke, and when instructed to focus on something enjoyable, all kinds of crude suggestions were offered.

By the end of the second week Kate, as she’d asked the men to call her, was making progress. Gavin found the exercise easy enough, but kept most of his thoughts to himself. It was very similar to the mind games he played, or used to play, at night. The now-frequent nightmares had all but obliterated the refuge he’d created. Something about Ryan’s presence, and now Kate’s, had changed things, complicated things, in his life.

Kate had them close their eyes and try to imagine a space. She helped them define it, making it their own. Then each time they would return to their space, but they would embellish it, notice or create something new within it. She repeatedly told them the space was theirs alone, that it was a safe place that no one else could enter without their permission. She encouraged them to make it personal with images of loved ones, to fill it with objects and activities that interested them. It was their haven, a space uniquely theirs that no one could take away, change, or destroy.

Gavin was amazed that he could, even in the presence of Kate and nine other men, enter his space and become so caught up in it that he was unaware of anything else happening. It was like some sort of hypnotism.

Each time the men sat in a circle, facing outward, and Kate walked around the perimeter, talking in a soothing voice, guiding each to his own personal sanctuary. Mystical music played softly in the background, and Gavin could picture a robed man in the swaying grasses of a far-off land, playing his flute by a bubbling stream while birds called out their greetings. It was easy to be drawn away to a better place.

After meditating for about fifteen minutes, Kate spoke to the group, and then they participated in a question and answer period. Gavin hung on her words, and as the days progressed, he had more and more questions that he couldn’t bring himself to ask. He hoped he’d feel more comfortable during the individual counseling.

Gavin entered the designated room when it was time for his private session, and Kate greeted him with a smile. He couldn’t help but notice that she had an attractive quality about her. She still wore her hair in a bun and dressed a little too conservatively for her age, but her eyes were bright, and her kind smile made Gavin feel at ease.

“Hello, Gavin,” she said in the soft, silvery voice that he had come to know from their group sessions. “Have a seat.”

“Thanks.”

A large desk was the focal point of the room, but Kate didn’t sit behind it. She sat in one of two identical chairs positioned in the center of the small room. The lighting was subtle—just a dim lamp on the desk and some natural light coming in through vertical blinds.

“Have you been enjoying our sessions?”

“Yeah, I have,” Gavin replied sincerely. “It’s nice of you to help us escape like that.”

She smiled at his play on words. “It’s something you can do yourself now that you know how. You can go to your special place any time you like.”

Gavin wanted to share his experiences but felt some lingering apprehension. Instead, he just nodded.

“What I want to convey in these sessions is an understanding of who you are. How would you describe yourself, Gavin?”

Gavin knew she’d have background information on the prisoners she was counseling, but he was candid anyway. “I’m a convicted felon, serving time for second-degree murder.”

“Is that all you are?”

Gavin shrugged. “In here it is.”

She gently corrected him. “You’re still a son, even though you’re in prison. Isn’t that right?”

Gavin nodded.

“You’re a brother, a friend, a citizen of this country? What about the work you do every day? Aren’t you a supervisor?” She glanced at her notes.

He nodded again, beginning to understand where she was leading.

“Those are labels our society has given you, Gavin, and they all define you in some way or another.” She handed him a sheet of paper with several columns of words on it. “I want you to look at these words and circle the ones that you think describe you best.”

Gavin took the pen that she offered and glanced at the page. It was an extensive collection of adjectives in alphabetical order from “able” to “zealous.” As he stared at the intimidating list, Kate offered encouragement. “Nobody else gets to see this, and there’s no right or wrong. It’s just a starting place to help me know how you see yourself.”

Gavin circled half a dozen words, trying to be as honest as he could in describing himself. He handed the paper back to Kate.

“Now...” She handed him another paper identical to the first. “I want you to circle words that you think others might use to describe you.”

Gavin grimaced, not liking the second exercise. His parents had been nothing but supportive. He had the respect of many of the other convicts and even some of the guards. But when he heard the word
others
, he thought of the world in general and felt as if “murderer” was tattooed across his forehead for all to see. He looked up at Kate.

She was patiently waiting for him to complete the exercise. “It’s not as easy, is it?”

“No,” Gavin sighed.

“That’s fine, let’s move on. Why don’t you circle words you’d
like
people to use to describe you?”

She must have seen the hesitation that was still evident on Gavin’s face, because she changed her tactic. “Okay, how about this? I want you to imagine that you’ve just come to this planet. Nobody knows you, and you have no past. You’re a brand new person, ready to make a brand new life for yourself. The words that you choose to define yourself are exactly what you’ll become.”

“That’s easier,” Gavin admitted, liking the world of make-believe that Kate offered but questioning it just the same.

Kate looked at the list Gavin handed her. She smiled. “This is the Gavin McDermott I see before me.” She read the words aloud. “You already are all these things, Gavin. Do you believe that?”

“No,” he admitted. “Not really.”

“This is going to be our work together. For the next few weeks, I’m going to help you see that who you are is not what you think about yourself. It’s not what others think of you. Who you are is something fundamental and unchanging. It’s the basis of who we all are. We’re the same, Gavin. You and me. You just don’t know it yet.”

Gavin left the meeting uplifted. Being around Kate left him feeling like a normal human being. He almost did feel like her equal when he was with her. He still didn’t understand how others would be able to see it that way, but it was a start, something he truly enjoyed.

With a little work, he’d managed to avoid conversations with Ryan, and that helped his over-all state of mind as well. He found the kid peculiar, making him uneasy and, oddly enough, curious at the same time. What was really strange was that some of the things the boy said seemed to reiterate the ideas Kate was introducing.

The next morning, however, after listening to complaints about the kid, who’d received the nickname “Chucky,” Gavin had no choice but to put Ryan to work with him.

“I might have spread it on a bit too thick, telling those stories about you,” Gavin admitted. “Now nobody wants to have anything to do with you.”

“It’s the way I wanted it.”

Gavin frowned.
The kid actually believes he’s responsible for the situation turning out the way it did, like he’s controlling the events of his life, somehow? If he truly believes that, then what the hell is he doing in prison?

“This isn’t real, you know,” Ryan repeated the strange words he’d spoken once before. “You, me, this place—none of it’s real.”

He was sure now that Ryan wasn’t playing with a full deck, and Gavin was suddenly thankful for the rumors he’d started about him. It served to keep the kid quiet. If the others discovered what he really believed, if they heard him talking this nonsense, they’d know he was really just crazy, delusional, and they’d have him for lunch. He decided to humor the kid. “Okay, we’re not real; this place isn’t real. What are we doing here then?”

“You could be anywhere you want, tell any story you want. You get stuck sometimes, though, believing you can’t leave. The prison is really in your mind.”

“Well then, my mind is a powerful thing, kid,” Gavin replied sarcastically.

Ryan looked at him and nodded as if acknowledging the great truth he’d just spoken. Strangely enough Gavin felt it, too. Only now he was more confused than ever. He was glad when the lunch bell sounded, ending the conversation. He turned off the machine they were working on and walked away.

Gavin was surprised that the other men didn’t discuss the counseling sessions they were attending. He quietly listened to the usual banter around the lunch table, not feeling inclined to bring up the sessions, either. He was enjoying them for reasons he couldn’t explain, and he knew if they became a topic at mealtime they’d be reduced to a joke, with Kate and the other counselors at the center of it.

He liked Kate. He respected her. If he was honest, he’d even have to admit he was somewhat attracted to her. He’d barely seen a woman in seventeen years, never mind spending time alone with one, and Kate made him feel good about himself. He looked forward to their sessions.

A little crush on my therapist isn’t a bad thing
,
he decided.
It’s probably even normal
.

He wasn’t crazy; he wouldn’t let it get out of control. He knew he’d never act on it, as it was purely one-sided. She was a professional, an older woman—and a married one at that. Gavin couldn’t help but notice the rings on her left hand.

At their next session, Gavin observed something different about Kate. Her hair was up, but it was looser, more attractive, and although she was still dressed conservatively, her outfit was more fashionable, making her look quite becoming. She even had a touch of eye makeup on.