A Brief Moment in TIme (9 page)

It wasn’t until after her twenty-first birthday that anyone called her by a different name. At that juncture in her life, she decided to make some changes. Having been raised in a dysfunctional home, she was determined to create a life for herself that was radically different from the one she’d known. A brand new career, a new city, and a new more sophisticated name—they all represented a clean start in life.

A year later when she met a wonderful man and fell in love for the first time, he called her Kate while making love to her, and she couldn’t bear to correct him. Kate became his choice name for her, and she didn’t mind it. But now hearing it from Gavin left her with all kinds of confusing emotions.

“You know, I think there’s a Kate inside you, and she’s trying to get out,” Adele said frankly.

“Why do you say that?”

“Think about it; the name Kate sounds young and fun loving, adventurous and carefree. I think you are those things deep down inside, and I think you need to let that part of you out once in a while. Kathryn has a certain elegance and sophistication to it, but it also feels somewhat cold and unapproachable, contrived somehow, like you’re pretending to be something you’re not.”

The candid remarks stunned Kathryn. Adele was straightforward when it came to her opinions, and Kathryn wasn’t usually offended by the things she said. This time Adele’s words hit a tender spot, and Kathryn realized she had some work to do.

Adele quickly responded to Kathryn’s silence with an apology as she touched her arm lovingly. “I didn’t mean that as an insult, sweetie. I know you’ve been through your share of rough times. But you deserve to feel good. Maybe it’s time to admit that it’s okay to feel good again.”

Kathryn looked at Adele with tears swelling in her eyes, but no words would come. Her friend was right; she could feel it.

“Kathryn, maybe Gavin
can
read you. Maybe he calls you Kate because he can see that hidden part of you. The Universe uses all kinds of people in our lives to teach us and remind us. No labels, remember. He’s your teacher as much as you’re his.”

“You’re right,” Kathryn said, blinking back tears. “You’re absolutely right.”

GAVIN WAS GLAD to have someone unbiased to talk to about what he was experiencing. He’d found that person on a social networking site, and “Retro57” was now his cybernet friend.

He’d come across the site as he browsed the Internet, looking for information. Interacting that way was new for Gavin, yet fun in a strange, delusional kind of way. He’d created a persona with a name, a job, a belief system, even a love interest. It was nice to feel like an ordinary person, talking about ordinary things with another guy. They talked about extraordinary things too. Retro had some deep questions, and he liked to hear what Gavin, or “Free2B,” as he called himself online, had to say.

His friend had some great advice. He was supportive of Gavin’s ideas and encouraging when Gavin felt down. Because of their shared interest in the paranormal, many of their conversations dealt with that subject. They both loved reading and often posted what they were learning.

“Hey F2B,” Retro typed. “Just finished a book by a guy named Scheinfeld. I think you’d like it. It’s mind blowing. Get this: ‘Everything you perceive with your five senses is an illusion—all props and special effects designed to create an alternative reality that allows you to play the human game.’ Shit, man, what if that’s true? What if it’s all an illusion? I’ll send you a link to his website
₁
. Check it out.”

“I know those kinds of ideas seem far fetched,” Gavin replied, “but I’m starting to believe they’re true. Thanks for the link; I’ll pick up a copy of the book.” He made a mental note to request the book from the library. “The part about our five senses being an illusion, that’s interesting. Deepak Chopra says it a little differently: ‘Only the present, which is our awareness, is real and eternal.’ He describes everything else as a field of possibilities. He says that in our willingness to step into that field, we surrender ourselves to the creative mind that orchestrates the dance of the universe.”

“So what’s real then?” Retro asked.

“I’m beginning to think that ‘real’ is whatever we want to define it as,” Gavin replied. “Personally, I like the idea of calling something real. If you think about it, it’s our awareness of something that makes it seem real. But like Deepak says, that only exists in the present moment. The past doesn’t exist at all, except in our memory, and the future…well, that’s a little complicated.

“There’s power in the moment that doesn’t exist anywhere else,” he continued. “So the present moment is real in that sense. We just have to stop limiting the term
real
to only the tangible and the concrete.”

“Good point,” Retro responded. “But what do you mean about the future being complicated?”

“Something happened to me. It’s kind of out there,” Gavin admitted. “I had an experience that felt totally real. I was interacting with people, having conversations, feeling things. Let’s just say all my senses were involved. I’m not sure if it was a dream or an out-of-body experience or if I stepped into some sort of alternate reality, but I woke up to find that none of it had really happened.

“Right after that, some of the things I dreamed about started happening. I experienced one full day that felt like the movie
Groundhog Day
. I knew what was going to happen and what people were going to say. Then things started to alter slightly. Each day after that was more removed from the original version.

“What I noticed right away was that when something familiar happened, I could react the way I had in my dream and predict the outcome, or I could deviate from the dream, change the variables, and the outcome would be totally different. It didn’t take long—a couple of weeks—till I’d altered things enough that nothing was predictable anymore.”

“Holy shit! No wonder you’re so messed up!” Retro exclaimed. “Just kidding, buddy. That’s out there all right. I envy you, though; I’d love to experience those kinds of things.”

Gavin felt relieved to admit some of the strange occurrences to another person, albeit this person might be a figment of his imagination, too. Whoever he was, real or imagined, it felt good to have a friend.

Gavin headed back to his cell. He enjoyed his time on the computer, but it was severely limited. His whole life was severely limited for that matter. Yet what he was learning told him that none of the limitation was real, that it was just an experience he’d created.

‘Reality’ was definitely an illusive concept. It could be nothing or it could be everything; it could be whatever a person assigned it to be.

Having read Don Miguel Ruiz’s books, Gavin resonated with the author’s analogy of a movie theater. It helped him make some sense of the term. Reality was like his own personal movie theatre. In any given moment, the things that were happening were like a movie showing on a giant screen, and he was the observer. However, his movie was just one of many that were playing around him. Others were sitting in their own theater, viewing their own version of life, and it was possible to get tripped up if he tried to see what other people were watching. Gavin believed that his focus determined which movie he watched, and even more important, his thoughts dictated the outcome of the movie itself.

He liked the analogy because Kate had taught him that he had control over what he chose to think about. And the idea of a private movie theatre was similar to the personal space Kate had the men create in their guided meditations.

He smiled as Kate came to mind. She did often, now, and he welcomed her into his thoughts. She had yet to do a guided meditation in their individual sessions. Gavin was tempted to suggest it, but he so enjoyed their conversations and sensed that she did as well.

Besides, he’d practiced the meditations in his cell at night until he could imagine Kate’s voice guiding him and joining him in his adventures. He talked to her, too. He asked her questions and received answers. And more often than not, the information he received was the topic of conversation in their next session.

Chapter 10

KATHRYN WAS EXCITED to share the news with Gavin. Because of her recommendation to the parole board, he had been granted an escorted day pass. It was a full three months before his name was supposed to come up before the board, and in many cases, inmates were denied the first time without their files being looked at.

She’d submitted a recommendation for another man too, but his application had been turned down without explanation. Kathryn suspected it was a test, a way for them to evaluate the work she was doing. In any case, she was glad it had been Gavin and not the other man they had chosen. Gavin’s progress was more substantial, and she believed his transition would go the smoothest.

She’d already spoken with Gavin’s parents, telling them the news and making plans for the first outing, which would be a trip home to spend the day with them. Now it was her responsibility as well as her honor to tell Gavin. She couldn’t hide her enthusiasm when Gavin arrived for his session, and he gave her a questioning look as he sat down.

“I have good news,” she said.

“They’re letting me out?” Gavin asked somewhat sarcastically, yet Kathryn sensed he knew.

 “Um…yes,” she frowned and then laughed. “Yes! You’ve been approved for a day pass!”

Gavin didn’t respond, and Kathryn couldn’t read him. His face was expressionless, his eyes focused on the floor.

“Gavin, are you okay?”

He spoke without looking up. “I had a dream last night,” he said softly. “I was sitting in my parents’ living room. You were there.”

Before she could respond, he added, “I thought it was just…I mean, I like to imagine sometimes…it helps me get through the night.”

“It’s real, Gavin,” Kathryn assured him. “It’s set for Thursday. You have a twelve-hour pass. Your parents know; I’ve already spoken to them. I’ll be escorting you home.”

He looked at her, and she saw a slight smile flash across his face, but there was something else. “Did I create this?”

“Yes, Gavin, you did.”

“What did my parents say?”

“Your mom was crying. She couldn’t speak at first. Your dad picked up the other line, and I gave them the details. They were excited and thanked me…several times. Oh yeah,” she remembered, “your dad asked me to tell you that he finally got the TV hooked up.”

“My sister bought Dad a 42 inch plasma TV for his birthday last month and got him set up with a satellite dish. They still had the set I used to watch eighteen years ago. Dad likes sports, but he’d often listen to games on the radio because the old television had such poor reception.” Gavin smiled and shook his head. “They’re old school.”

“They seem wonderful,” Kathryn contended. “I’m looking forward to meeting them.”

“Yeah,” Gavin agreed. “They’re pretty awesome.”

“Gavin, in our first session, you mentioned that you felt scared at the thought of being on the outside. Do you still have those feelings?”

“I thought I was doing okay with that,” he admitted. “But Kate...now that it’s actually going to happen…I’m terrified.”

Kathryn still felt strange when Gavin called her Kate, but she tried to ignore it. “Well, then,” she suggested, “let’s deal with that today. I’m going to make extra time to see you tomorrow too.

“Remember,” she counseled. “Fear is just an emotion; it can’t control you unless you let it. You get to decide what you want to think about.”

“I’m going home; I ought to feel good.”

“It doesn’t work that way, Gavin,” she explained. “Your mind may tell you that you should feel a certain way, but your emotions are always accurate, and there’s benefit in listening to them. Let’s talk about the fear. Can you feel the power in it?”

“Yeah, definitely…but it doesn’t feel good.”

“Let’s not label it good or bad. For now, just feel the power of the emotion itself. I want you to close your eyes for a moment.”

GAVIN CLOSED HIS EYES and listened to the sound of Kate’s voice. He loved hearing it and normally it soothed him, but in that moment all he could think about was the dream he’d had the night before. He had been sitting in his parents’ living room, just as he’d told Kate, and she was there with him. What he didn’t mention, however, was that he had handcuffs on his wrists and shackles on his feet. He was home, yet he was still a prisoner.

“Tell me about your dream, Gavin,” Kate urged, reading his thoughts.

He told her the details, and her response surprised him. “Gavin, imagine yourself sitting in your parents’ living room, shackled and handcuffed, just like you were in the dream. I want you to remember what that felt like.”

Gavin couldn’t do otherwise.

“Now look down. Instead of cold, hard steel, fear is binding your hands and feet. Long strands of thickly woven emotion are holding you there, keeping you from moving.”