A Brief Moment in TIme (10 page)

Gavin did as Kate asked. In his mind, he looked down and saw what had him bound. Fear was wrapped tightly around his hands and his feet, just as she had described.

“It’s your fear that is keeping you in prison, Gavin, even when you’re sitting on the sofa in your parents’ living room.”

He nodded, realizing the truth of her statement.

“Remember what I said about fear,” Kate continued. “It’s just an emotion; it only has the power that you give it. I want you to imagine the fear dissolving. Shake your wrists; nothing’s holding them now. Move your feet; they’re free of the shackles.”

Gavin began to move his hands and feet. He shook his wrists and shifted his feet back and forth. It felt good to be free of any restraints.

“Now I want you to think of the tremendous power that fear possessed, the power to hold you captive. Imagine taking it back, reclaiming what’s yours. Imagine it flowing to you. Feel the power entering your body and filling you like a balloon with each deep, cleansing breath.”

Gavin breathed deeply, wanting to reclaim all the power he could. He felt something wash over him like a wave, the reverberation spreading through his entire body. It was a rush like nothing he’d ever experienced before, and it left him tingling.

“You are the power, Gavin. Nothing else can claim that power unless you give it permission. It’s you, Gavin. The power is you.”

Kate stopped talking, and Gavin remained still for a minute, feeling the stimulating effects of the transfer of power
₂
. Then he looked at Kate and smiled, “That was really cool.”

“How do you feel now?”

“I don’t feel the fear anymore; it’s like it’s really gone. It was amazing to take back the power like that. But I still feel a little…” he hesitated.

“It’s okay, Gavin, there’s no right or wrong. The important thing here is to recognize how the emotions feel, then deal with them, not judge them.”

“I feel kind of...pissed off.” Gavin couldn’t think of any other way to express how he was feeling at that moment.

“Okay, let’s deal with that now. Does it feel like anger, or frustration? When you feel it, can you pinpoint any specific thoughts?”

“Yeah, it ticks me off that fear could have that much control over me. I think I’m angry at the fear.” He shrugged and looked at Kate. “That probably doesn’t make much sense.”

“It does make sense, Gavin. Anger is a natural progression from fear. It makes perfect sense to be angry at something that had such a strong hold over you. Anger is actually more powerful than fear,” Kathryn added. “Do you know why that is?”

Gavin shook his head.

“It’s because you can channel it. You have more direct control over it. Anger is a very useful tool when you learn how to use it.”

“Really?”

“It’s true. Most people don’t understand that and instead use it in a destructive or harmful way. That’s why there’s so much violence in the world. So many people live in fear and despair, which are extremely powerless emotions. They naturally reach for anger to take back their power, and it plays out in violent crimes, terrorism, and oppression. All countries that are at war are fighting for that very reason.”

“Wow, I’ve never thought about it like that.” Gavin was quiet for a moment. As he reflected on his own situation, he had to ask, “Do you think the crime I committed was because of that?”

“Do you feel ready to talk about it?”

“I’m not sure. I mean…I think I’d like to talk about it. I think it would help. But it doesn’t feel like the right time.”

AS SHE LISTENED to Gavin make a choice based on how he felt, Kathryn marveled again at the understanding he possessed. He was making tremendous progress in using his emotional guidance system to feel his way.

She smiled. “That’s perfectly fine, Gavin. You’ll know when the time is right. We were talking about the anger that you felt just now. Would you like to continue dealing with that?”

“Yeah, I would.”

She led Gavin through another process of reclaiming his power, helping him find relief as he moved up the emotional scale. When their session ended, she could tell that he was feeling more positive about his upcoming trip home.

Kathryn looked forward to Thursday as well. She had some preparation to do before the day arrived, and she worked on it that evening at her apartment.

“What are you working on?” Adele asked.

“I have to submit an itinerary for Thursday.”

“Seriously? You’re driving him to his parents’ farm. What more do they need to know?”

“We’re not even supposed to make an unscheduled restroom stop,” Kathryn laughed. “So I have to anticipate everything ahead of time and lay it all out for them—what route we’ll take and where we plan to stop—that kind of thing.”

“It’ll be interesting to see the freedom we take for granted through the eyes of someone who’s been incarcerated for so long,” Adele remarked.

“I know,” Kathryn said. “Gavin’s kept up with a lot of the changes that have taken place since 1992, but he only knows
about
them. Now he gets to experience them firsthand. He’s never watched a flat screen television, played a game on an Xbox, sent a text message, or owned a cell phone for that matter. He’s never seen a GPS system in a vehicle. He’s probably never even had a latte at Starbucks.

“This city has nearly doubled in size since he’s seen it. His farm will probably look different than it did seventeen years ago. I’m trying to imagine what it’s going to be like for him.”

“It sounds exciting,” Adele responded. “I can’t wait to hear about it.”

Kathryn finished the outline for the itinerary. She hoped the plans she’d made would be interesting without being too overwhelming for Gavin. There would be more outings to come—every two weeks if all went well.

She would be accompanying him and documenting his progress, submitting detailed reports to the prison board. He would be the first of the small experimental group that she’d be working closely with both within the prison walls and once they were released. She had two other men with parole hearings imminent, so her schedule would be full.

She had to admit, as unprofessional as it sounded, that she enjoyed her interaction with Gavin more than with the other men. He had unique qualities that continued to surprise and intrigue her. Absorbing the concepts easily, he was already applying the teaching in his life and continually asking questions that challenged her. He was a paradox in many ways: a boy in a grown man’s body, a naïve young man with a wise old soul, a gentle giant incarcerated for murder.

Kathryn smiled. She couldn’t deny that she was fond of him, but she understood the danger of getting emotionally attached to her students. Even more so, the danger of them becoming attached to her.

Chapter 11

GAVIN LAY AWAKE all night thinking about the approaching day. Anxious anticipation had replaced debilitating fear. It was a definite improvement, yet he found it annoying. What he really wanted to do was fall asleep and wake up just in time to leave. It was the waiting that was painful.

Kate had gone over the itinerary with him. He could see the entire day mapped out in his mind, yet it felt like he was stepping into a big black hole. It wasn’t what was out there that was intimidating; it was simply the idea of being out after having been locked away for so long.

He tried a familiar meditation to calm himself, but the tranquil lake scene and Kate’s soothing voice echoing softly in his head didn’t have the same effect it had in the past, so he pictured his farm instead. As he visited the buildings and places he knew so well, Gavin began to relax and enjoy the tour. He saw himself taking Kate’s hand and sharing the experience with her. Suddenly he was eager to spend the day together, driving with her, introducing her to his family, and showing her places he’d loved as a child.

He no longer questioned his feelings for Kate or for Kathryn. The two were the same, yet different. He didn’t know where Kathryn ended and Kate began. One was an imaginary lover, the other his counselor. He wasn’t willing to see it as crazy. He’d created it and Kate was a part of it. He couldn’t explain it, but neither could he deny it. It just was.

Morning finally came, and Gavin went straight to the warden’s office to receive his pass. Kate was already waiting with jacket on and keys in hand.

“Ready to go?”

“Oh yeah,” he laughed. “Since about 2 a.m.”

“Well, then,” Kathryn grinned as she led the way toward the security doors. “You’ll really appreciate the triple grandé cinnamon dolce americano misto I’m going to buy you.”

“Is that coffee?”

“Like you’ve never had it before, my friend.”

Kate seemed to be in an upbeat, playful mood, and Gavin liked what he heard and saw. She was dressed in jeans and a sweater, still somewhat conservative but definitely more casual than he’d ever seen her before.

He’d been imagining every detail and wanted to savor the feelings each step produced. As they walked past the guards at the main entrance, one smiled as he acknowledged their right to pass. In the parking lot, Kate led the way to her car while Gavin glanced around. They were still within the prison grounds, but he hadn’t been outside the main walls of the facility since he’d been brought to Swenton. He was already beginning to feel an intoxicating sense of freedom.

Kate drove an Acura. It looked fairly new. Gavin had tried to keep up with the changes in vehicles. He was familiar with names and models but was excited to see and touch and ride in one of these sleek new cars. She unlocked the vehicle with a remote, and Gavin opened the door to get in the passenger side. As he swung his legs in, they hit the dash. “I’m sorry,” Kate laughed. “I should have adjusted that earlier. Adele was the last one to ride with me; she’s only five-four.”

Gavin enjoyed hearing Kate laugh. He’d heard her laugh in his dreams and was pleased that she sounded exactly as he’d imagined. He reached under the seat for a lever to adjust his seat, but Kate quickly pointed to a set of buttons on the door panel. “You can move it any direction you want, even up or down. Another button adjusts the lumbar support and there’s one for heat, too, if you want it.”

He decided against the heat, but played with the other buttons as Kate backed the car out of the parking spot and headed toward the main gates. They stopped at the security exit, and Kate showed Gavin’s paperwork to the guard before driving through.

A wave of euphoria washed over Gavin as he observed the freedom that lay before his eyes. He was still limited in many ways, but being outside the prison facility felt exhilarating! He wanted to take in every site and sound and smell that his senses could grasp, but it was almost overwhelming, so he decided to be selective. He was curious about the car itself but decided to inspect it more closely once they got on the highway. Instead, he looked around. The traffic seemed heavy. It was just past eight in the morning; everyone was probably on their way to work.

Kate looked over at him and smiled. “A little different from the last time you saw it?”

He nodded. The city had changed. The buildings were taller, the streets wider. Suddenly Gavin longed to see something he recognized. Everything was a little too different, and it left him feeling lost in a place that should be familiar.

Kate turned left, and though some of the buildings had changed, Gavin recognized the area. As they stopped at an intersection, Gavin saw a Denny’s restaurant on his right. “Hey! I’ve been to that Denny’s!” he exclaimed, pointing to the familiar restaurant. A burst of nostalgia replaced the forlorn feeling. “My friends and I used to come here sometimes. It was open twenty-four hours, so we’d hang out here after a party. We’d stay till, like, four in the morning and then drive home and sleep the whole next day.”

GAVIN McDERMOTT was still that young boy in so many ways, and Kathryn enjoyed hearing him reminisce. She was obliged to stick to their itinerary, but offered, “Next time we can stop there for breakfast if you like.”

“Really?”

Kathryn smiled. She may as well have offered him the moon. It made her realize how many things she took for granted. She was glad to see small pleasures appreciated in such a big way.

“Really,” she promised. “Your mom is making brunch this morning, so I thought we’d just pick up coffee and a muffin for the drive.”

“At Starbucks?”

“You bet.” She pulled into the drive-through, but before she placed their order, turned to Gavin. “Do you trust me?”

“Sure,” he grinned.

Kathryn ordered two of her favorite drink, along with a couple of muffins. She paid and then handed one of the steaming cups to Gavin.