A Fairy's Guide to Disaster (15 page)

“This is it,” said Gerald after he landed.

I settled beside him and brushed the hair out of my face. I would’ve finger-combed it, in case Soren was there, but it was hopelessly tangled. “This must be where the phalanx live.” It did seem appropriate, if a bit on the unfriendly side.

“Who? The commander? I heard someone call it headquarters.”

“You could hear all that?” I asked.

Gerald blushed. “I can hear pretty well.” He paused. “Not as good as Iris though.”

“I couldn’t have found this on my own. You did great.” I ran my eyes over the boxes. “Any idea where the front door is?”

“No need. Easy’s coming.” Gerald shivered, but he held himself steady with only the tiniest flicker of fear. I could tell he was listening to something, and then I heard it. The scuttling sounds of dozens of phalanx fairies moving together. Funny how those sounds used to give me the creeps. Now they brought order to the world. A diamond formation of shiny black shells came around the hat box. Easy slid around on top of them, kicking up his plump legs and smiling. He wore a new diaper made of camouflage material. Soren and several dryads came out behind them.

The formation stopped in front of us. Easy pushed himself into a seated position and waved. One of the shells on the far right popped up, and the commander came forward. I expected him to be in the front, but then I realized he was always in different spots within the formation. I supposed this protected him in case of an attack. I wanted to ask him about it, but didn’t have the nerve to question anything he did.

“That didn’t take long,” he said, popping off his shell and coming to Soren’s side. “You made short work of Earl and Stanley.”

“Earl and Stanley?” I asked.

“The workmen taking your mantel away,” said Soren. “Are you all right?

“I’m fine,” I said.

“You get more and more interesting every minute,” said the commander. Then he looked at Gerald. “What can you do?”

Gerald opened his mouth, but then clamped it shut instead of telling the commander he was a certified genius like he normally would.

“Come on. Don’t keep me in suspense. You Whipplethorns are an interesting crowd. The girl, Iris, has super hearing. And let me tell you, this baby is something and Matilda, well Matilda can throw fireballs the size of dimes. What can you do? Bend metal with your eyeballs?”

Gerald looked at his shoes. “I can’t do anything.”

“That’s not true,” I said. “Gerald is brilliant. He skipped two grades.”

“Well, that’s something. Maybe not as useful as the occasional fireball, but smarts are a gift. Never say they aren’t, boy.”

Gerald met the commander’s eye and he stood a little taller. “Yes, sir.”

I collected Easy off the shells. I gave him a squeeze as he patted my cheeks. “What did you mean about Easy?”

The commander rubbed his chin and looked at Gerald. “Don’t tell me you got no clue.”

Gerald paled. “I’m not supposed to say.”

“So you know about Easy like you knew about me?” I asked.

He nodded and looked at Soren with pleading eyes.

“Shall I say, Easy?” asked Soren.

Easy chirped and waved his plump arms.

“Easy can read minds,” said Soren.

“You can read minds?” I asked the baby.

Easy winked at me and I almost dropped him. Soren and the commander laughed. Several of the shells shook, but they were too well-trained to break formation.

“We’ve enjoyed having the little bugger around. I suspect he has a few more surprises in store for you,” said the commander.

A shell scuttled up from behind me and reported something to Soren and the commander. Soren took a long look at us. “You better get going. Stanley’s all bandaged up and headed back to the mantel.”

“Is there anything you don’t know about?” I asked.

“Well, I wouldn’t know, would I?” Soren hugged me and then Gerald.

“Thanks for the new diaper and everything,” I said, choking up.

“I’m happy to help you.”

“Soren?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not sure about what to do,” I said.

“Should you go or should you stay. Is that it?”

“I just don’t know what’s best.”

“Would you give the commander a light for old time’s sake? He’s always looking for a light.”

I lit the commander’s stick and watched him puff on it until he got a good ember glowing on the end. “You’re saying we should go.”

“I am,” said Soren. “As much as I’d like you to stay, you’re wood fairies. Stay with your mantel. It’s where you belong.”

“But what about our parents?” asked Gerald.

“If they can track you here, they’ll make it to the next stop, too. Go quick before those dufuses make off with it. Good luck to you all.” Soren held my hands. “I will see you again.”

The commander took a long suck on his stick. “You’re not out in the boonies anymore. You can get back if you want to. Better let us know the minute you arrive, though. Don’t want any more incidents.” The commander popped his shell on and disappeared back into the formation. It moved in one rippling motion away from us and zipped around a corner.

“Good-bye, Matilda,” said Soren.

I kissed his cheek and rose into the air with Gerald. We headed back to the mantel, carrying Easy between us.

“The commander was pretty weird, but he didn’t scare me,” said Gerald, his forehead wrinkled in thought.

“At least he didn’t eat any flies this time,” I said.

“Gross.”

“You have no idea. Let’s go. We probably only have a few minutes. Even Soren won’t be able to help us if we’re late.”

CHAPTER 14

EASY got heavier by the second. Gerald and I were flying so low, my toes brushed the linoleum.

“We’ll never make it.” Gerald’s face contorted and beads of sweat popped out on his forehead.

“Yes, we will. We just have to try harder.” My words came out in short staccato bursts. My arms felt like they were being pulled out of their sockets.

“My shoulder hurts really bad,” said Gerald.

Gerald’s arm being pulled out of its socket seemed like a million years ago. “I forgot about that. I shouldn’t have brought you.”

Gerald scowled at me and beat his wings harder. “I can do it.”

We rounded the last corner and flew out of the opening into the fall sunshine. Iris sat on the concrete just outside with a look of utter distaste on her pretty face. The spriggan baby toddled around, looking as gross as possible. He smelled so bad, his stench was nearly visible.

Gerald and I landed with duel grunts near my sister. Iris jumped to her feet and scooped up Easy. He chirped and nuzzled her cheeks. The spriggan baby plopped down on his butt and started bawling. I watched as fat tears rolled down his cheeks. The tears almost made him appealing. Almost.

“Aren’t you going to go get him?” asked Gerald.

“You can go get him,” I said.

“You’re the babysitter.”

The ultimate trump card. I was the babysitter. I grimaced and staggered to my feet. My muscles weren’t happy that I was trying to use them again. The spriggan baby held up his arms, looking about as much like a baby as a rotting cabbage.

“Don’t pretend you don’t like me,” he said. “I know the truth.”

I gagged and picked him up. “You don’t know anything.”

“I know you threw fireballs to save me.” He nuzzled my cheek in an approximation of Easy’s affection.

“Well, I couldn’t just let you die.”

“You like me.” He nuzzled me again, leaving a smear of gritty slime on my cheek.

“Wait a minute,” I said. “You have a diaper on.”

“Gerald put it on me. He said you deserve it,” said Horc.

I looked closer at the diaper. It was made of a pale green fabric shot with brown threads. “Gerald!”

Gerald flushed and kept his eyes downcast.

“Gerald, so help me. Is this my skirt?”

He nodded slightly and a smile crept onto his lips.

I put Horc back on my hip and scowled. I glanced toward the opening. It wasn’t too late. Soren would take the spriggan. Maybe I could get the baby to him and be back in time to go with the mantel. A few well-placed fireballs at Stanley’s butt should do the trick.

The spriggan baby stopped nuzzling me and glared at Easy. “You don’t know.”

Easy chirped.

“You’re so stupid. You can’t even talk. She is not giving me back. She likes me.”

Easy chirped, stuck out his tongue, and buried his face in Iris’s neck.

“Not true! Not true!” shouted the spriggan baby.

Just then, Earl and Stanley came through the opening. Stanley held his bandaged hands out in front of him and Earl jabbed him in the shoulder, taunting him.

“I’m not a freaking wuss. I got like sixth degree burns here,” said Stanley.

“You idiot. There’s no such thing as a sixth degree burns. It only goes up to four.”

“How come?”

“I don’t know.”

“It should go up to a hundred, ’cause this is really bad. I need some pain killers,” said Stanley.

“You took some of that Motrin.”

“That ain’t enough. I need the good stuff. Take me to the doctor.”

“I ain’t taking you to no doctor. We’re late. That happy housewife is gonna be pissed if she don’t get her mantel on time,” said Earl.

“She can wait. What’s the difference?”

“The difference is we’ll get fired, idiot.” Earl grabbed the mantel’s cart and pushed it towards the van.

I looked at Iris. “Can you carry Easy?”

“I’ll help her,” said Gerald, getting to his feet.

“We’re going with the mantel?” asked Iris.

“Yes. Now get ready. Fly in the van when I say,” I said.

Iris nodded and shifted Easy so Gerald could get a grip on him. Easy waved good-bye to the spriggan baby who wrapped his arms around my neck. A fresh wave of stink clogged my nose and I glanced toward the opening again. No time to find Soren, but he saw everything. I could leave the baby inside the opening. Soren was sure to find him. But when I glanced down at the spriggan, he gazed up at me with large eyes swimming with unshed tears.

“You like me,” he said. “You saved me.”

Stanley opened the van’s back doors and stepped back. Earl wheeled up the cart. He got on one side of the mantel and prepared to lift. Stanley watched him, but made no move to help.

“Come on, dude,” said Earl. “What are you waiting for?”

“I can’t lift nothing.”

“Suck it up. We got to go.” Earl waved Stanley to the other side of the mantel. Stanley minced around, looking for a handhold and whining.

“Now!” I yelled as I flew into the air.

Iris and Gerald struggled to get the balance between them right and then flew up with Easy between them. The spriggan baby buried his face in my shoulder as we raced to the van’s opening. We zipped past Stanley’s face and into the back of the van. Earl and Stanley lifted the mantel and slid it in behind us. The mantel’s top shelf brushed my feet as it passed under. I looked down at the mantel’s intricate carvings in awe. Even in the musty interior of the van, it glowed with beauty and craftsmanship. My home. How could I ever have considered letting it go?

Earl shut the back doors and greyness enveloped the mantel. The smell of axel grease and furniture polish made my stomach flip. Two squares of light shone in through the grimy back window, making everything appear sad and dirty.

“What now?” asked Iris from between clenched teeth.

I spotted a black, flat shelf between the two seats in the front of the van. “Follow me.”

Iris and Gerald landed on the shelf behind me with noises of disgust. I tried to turn around, but found my feet stuck in a puddle of sticky caramel-colored goo. I lost my balance and fell against a red metal cylinder lying on its side, almost dropping the spriggan baby. I pushed myself upright and read a list of ingredients on the side of the cylinder. Carbonated water, caramel color, aspartame, phosphoric acid.

“Weird,” I said. “It almost sounds like food.”

“Not weird. Delicious,” said the spriggan baby.

Earl and Stanley sat in the seats on either side of us. Stanley plunked a square brown leather thing stuffed with papers down on the shelf, causing me to jerk away and fall over into the goo.

“Nice,” said the spriggan.

“Quiet, spriggan,” I said.

“My name is Horc, if you’ll recall.”

“Whatever.”

“Not whatever. Horc.”

“Fine.” I touched the goo. A long string attached my finger to the shelf. The stuff looked gross, but I had to admit it smelled pretty good. So good that I briefly considered dunking Horc in it.

“Matilda, have you tasted this stuff?” asked Iris.

I turned to see Iris with a finger in her mouth and Gerald staring at her with an undisguised look of disgust. “Iris, are you crazy? Don’t eat that stuff. We don’t know what it is.”

“It was an accident,” said Iris. “I didn’t mean to eat it.”

“Yeah,” said Gerald. “It was an accident that you placed your finger in your mouth.”

“It smells great,” Iris said.

“So does oleander. Don’t eat it,” I said.

Horc leaned over and tried to get a handful of goo. I jerked him away as the van lurched forward. If we hadn’t been stuck to the shelf, we would’ve slid right off. I thrust Horc onto the brown leather square almost falling into the goo in the process. Horc starting jumping around saying he was hungry and he wanted the goo. I ignored him and dug my fingernails into the leather. I wiggled and pulled until I worked my way out of the goo. Horc patted my sweaty face as I lay panting on the leather.

“Hungry,” he said. “Money makes me hungry.”

“Uh huh.” I closed my eyes and then popped them back open. “Wait, what money?”

Horc pointed down. “In the wallet.”

Then I saw the bills sticking out of the side of the wallet. “Money makes you hungry?”

“I’m hungry now.”

“I get it. Just give me a minute,” I said.

I could’ve lain on that comfortable somewhat squishy spot all day, if Iris and Gerald hadn’t started squawking about being stuck. “All right. All right. I’m coming.”

“Don’t leave,” said Horc.

“I’m not leaving you. I have to go get them.”

“No.”

I rolled my eyes and took off for Gerald and Iris. I hovered upside down above them without thinking about it. Gerald’s eyes widened and Iris grinned as they handed Easy to me. I flew him to the wallet, setting him next to Horc and then flew back to Gerald. I grabbed him by the forearms and pulled until my eyes felt like they’d pop out. The goo was thicker on his section of the shelf and he was in up to his ankles.