A Family to Come Home To (Saddle Falls) (11 page)

“You always loved it, Jared, even as a kid.”

Jared turned abruptly. “You remember that?”

Jesse looked as startled as Jared. “Yeah,” he said slowly. “I reckon I do.” He frowned, trying to catch the memory before it dissipated. “I remember we used to go lie down by the creek and talk about the day when we were old enough to run the place ourselves.”

“That’s right,” Jared said quietly, surprised his brother remembered.

“And you were always good with the animals and the help.”

“Still am,” Jared admitted with a hint of pride. “But I still can’t handle the building and repairs. Much as I try, I can’t get ahead of it, and quite frankly it bores me to tears.”

“Well, I’ll be happy to help any way I can.” While I’m here, Jesse thought of adding, then changed his mind.

Jared glanced down at the picture Jesse still had in his hand. “That was always your favorite picture,” he said with a smile. “Every time Mom and Dad or Tommy had to go out of town on business, you’d sleep with that picture.” Jared chuckled. “Of course, in the morning all your covers might be on the floor, along with your pillow, but that picture would be firmly tucked in your arms.”

Jesse smiled. “Yeah, I was just sitting here looking at it.” He glanced up at Jared. “I was remembering the day it was taken.” He laughed suddenly. “Josh was at a friend’s house, but you and Jake were in the pool with me.”

“We were trying to drown each other, no doubt,” Jared said with a laugh.

“Yeah. And me as well. Mom wouldn’t let me go swimming by myself, so when you and Jake wanted to go play ball with Luke next door, I knew I’d have to get out of the pool.” Jesse grinned. “So I went running around the front of the house to find Tommy because I reckon I knew he’d always go swimming with me.”

“You remember all of that?” Jared asked carefully.

“Yeah.” Jesse blew out a breath, then glanced up at his brother. “Didn’t reckon I remembered anything until I picked up this picture.” He shook his head. “It’s funny, until I drove past Hannah’s house I didn’t rightly remember anything at all. My life seemed to begin in Texas. But since I’ve been here, certain things will trigger a memory so clear it’s as if it just happened today. And then again, other things, things I try to remember, I just can’t seem to. It’s a mite frustrating, I tell you, Jared. Truly.”

Jared squeezed Jesse’s shoulder again, then smiled down at him, wishing he could relieve his worry. “Don’t worry about it, Jesse. Just give yourself some time.” Jared smiled. “Time takes care of everything.”

Jesse glanced up suddenly, his eyes cloudy and confused. “Jared?” His eyebrows drew together in a frown of concentration that had Jared coming to attention.

“Yeah, Jesse?”

“Didn’t our mother use to say that all the time?” He could hear her voice, soft and lilting, as if it was coming down from a long, dark tunnel. Jesse’s eyes slid closed.

“Jesse, honey, don’t you worry. You’ll be as old as your brothers one day. Time takes care of everything, honey. In time, you’ll be twelve just like Jake. I promise. Now go out and play with your brothers and stop fretting on such a beautiful day.”

Mama.

He could see her standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, listening patiently to him. She was small and delicate, not much bigger than Hannah, he supposed. Dressed in a pair of slim jeans and a sweatshirt that swamped her, she had flour all over her. On her jeans, her sweatshirt, on her feet, which were bare, and she smelled of something sweet and familiar.

Jesse laughed suddenly and his eyes flew open and he felt that unmistakable shiver of recognition roll over him. It had happened enough times now that it was becoming commonly familiar.

“Yeah,” Jared admitted with a smile, doing a little remembering of his own. “She used to say that all the time to us.” He laughed. “Almost every time one of us started complaining about something.”

“Yeah,” Jesse said quietly. “I remember.” He frowned again. “Jared, did she do a lot of baking or something? Something she’d use flour for?”

Jared laughed. “She was famous for her apple pies. Every Friday, Mom would be up and in the kitchen bright and early, preparing the ingredients for her special apple pies.”

Jesse laughed suddenly. “And she used to get flour all over everything. The counters, the floors, the table, and especially herself.”

“That’s right.” Jared smiled at the pleasant memory. “Dad always used to say if she wasn’t careful someone might pop
her
in the oven one day.”

“Vanilla,” Jesse said abruptly, glancing up at Jared. “That’s why she always smelled like vanilla.”

Jared shrugged, not certain of the importance. “I guess so, Jesse.”

“Vanilla,” Jesse said again with a shake of his head. “I didn’t remember that until this moment.” If he tried hard enough, he could almost smell her. He shook his head suddenly, another piece of the puzzle sliding into place. “Now I know why I can’t handle the smell of vanilla.” He looked at Jared. “It makes me ill and I never knew why.” Jesse glanced down at the picture he still held in his hand, his fingers tightening. “It’s because it reminded me of our mother.” His words hung in the air for a long, silent moment.

Jared shifted uncomfortably. “She loved you very much, Jesse. You were her youngest son. She never got over losing you.”

Unable to speak, Jesse simply nodded, feeling an overwhelming sense of loss he simply couldn’t explain. It was like a raw, open wound of grief in his heart, leeching through every inch of his being.

“Well, look, it’s late, I’d better get back to bed or I won’t get any sleep before it’s time to get up for the next feeding.” Jared hesitated a moment, his hand still on Jesse’s shoulder. “Thanks, Jesse.”

“For what?”

Jared’s smile was slow. “For coming home, bro. For coming home.”

Home.

Jesse sighed. Maybe, just maybe for the first time in his life, he was beginning to understand exactly what the word
home
meant. But it was a struggle, he had to admit. A real struggle, and he was torn by so many conflicting emotions of where home was, and more importantly, where he belonged.

His eyes slid closed and memories of his mother, his
real
mother, flashed through his mind. So fast he wanted to slow them down, savor them like a long-lost beloved book recently found.

The grief he felt when he thought of his mother—of his own loss—was too profound for him to contain the emotions the recovered memory of her evoked.

He’d lost her in so many ways, he thought. Lost her, and worse, lost all of his memories of her. And that, he realized, was the real tragedy.

How could he not have remembered her? he wondered, feeling a profound sense of shame mixed with grief. How could he have simply erased any memory of someone he’d loved so deeply, instinctively, the way only a child could love his mother?

Jesse shook his head.

He didn’t know.

With a sigh, he lay across the bed, then tried again to recall, to remember who Jesse Ryan had been. The desire to know was suddenly immediate and urgent, as if it was the most important thing in the world. And maybe at the moment it was, he thought.

If he remembered who Jesse Ryan had been, perhaps then he’d know who
he
really was.

And then finally he’d be able to go…
home.

Hannah glanced up at the Ferris wheel in absolute horror. “Oh no, Jesse. No.” Raising her hands in the air, she took a self-protective step back and furiously shook her head.

The Saddle Falls carnival had arrived in town just for the weekend. It was an annual event held the weekend before the start of school again at the end of January. There were rides, arcades, fortune-tellers and food kiosks offering anything a person could want.

It was a traditional outing for the Ryan clan, and she and Riley had always been included. This year Jesse had invited both her and Riley, and they’d gone together as a threesome, meeting the rest of the family at Tonoto’s pizza parlor for dinner before heading toward the carnival.

The Ryans always donated the parking lot of the Saddle Falls Hotel to the carnival operators to use, and the sheriff made sure Main Street and all the connecting side streets were closed to ensure public safety.

Electric carnival lights had been strung up around the perimeter of the enormous hotel parking lot and now lit up the entire area like a bright noonday.

The crowd was enormous, drawing from the entire town of Saddle Falls as well as all the smaller towns surrounding it.

Hannah glanced up at the Ferris wheel again and felt her stomach pitch and roll. She shook her head once more, ignoring the amusement in Jesse’s eyes.

“Now, for the past week or so I’ve gone along with just about every harebrained idea you had about showing me how to have…fun.” Hannah almost choked on the last word. “But I draw the line at climbing aboard something that’s going to send me soaring into the sky.” She scowled at him, trying not to be charmed by the look on his face. It was hard, she realized, when he was standing there holding her beloved daughter in his arms, and they were wearing identical, mischievous grins.

“Come on, Mama, it will be fun,” Riley encouraged, reaching out an arm to wrap it around her mother’s neck to draw her closer. Riley succeeded in drawing her mother close, but Hannah was also just that much closer to Jesse. And it made her nervous. “Uncle Jesse said so.”

“Uncle Jesse said so,” Hannah muttered under her breath. Uncle Jesse had been saying a lot of things the past week, she realized. To her. To Riley.

And she didn’t know who was more enamored of him, Hannah thought with a weary sigh. Her. Or her daughter.

In either case, looking at the love and adoration shining in her daughter’s eyes, Hannah realized that this could turn out to be quite a disastrous situation.

Riley had taken to Jesse in a way she’d never taken to another man before, not even Jake, Jared or Josh. The little girl had pretty much adopted Jesse as her own.

But she herself wasn’t any better, Hannah realized dully. She’d been spending as much time being charmed by the blasted man as her daughter. It was just so odd. She normally didn’t trust men. Not any of them. Not that she let men get close enough to her
to
trust. And for some reason, perhaps because of their shared history and past, she trusted Jesse. Instinctively and totally.

As a friend, she reminded herself, trying to keep her feelings and emotions balanced and curb the fear over the feelings she couldn’t deny.

But she was an adult, much better at understanding these kinds of life situations.

Unfortunately, Riley was just a child and didn’t understand that just because Jesse was a part of their lives for now, it didn’t mean he would be permanently. And the thought worried Hannah because she didn’t want to see her daughter hurt when Jesse left, and he would leave, she realized. He’d made that clear in every way every day.

As much as Riley longed for and needed a strong male figure in her life, Hannah couldn’t let her daughter become too dependent on Jesse.

She knew it, but at the moment she wasn’t certain how to prevent it. Hannah glanced at her daughter again and felt a swell of loving protectiveness. If it wasn’t too late already, Hannah thought with a sigh, shoving her hair back from her forehead to glance up at the dreaded carnival ride again.

“Mama, please?” Riley begged, her lower lip sliding into a pout. “I really wanna go. Pul-lease?” Riley was doing her best imitation of a poor neglected child deprived of her heart’s desire.

“Riley, honey—”

“Now, darlin’, you’re not afraid, are you?” Jesse teased, sliding his free arm around Hannah’s waist and drawing her even closer. A hint of his scent, so achingly familiar now, teased her nostrils and caused her toes to tighten in her shoes.

“Afraid?” she repeated, trying to sound brave and failing miserably. “Absolutely not,” she insisted with a stubborn lift of her chin. “It’s just…just…if I’d been meant to go flying around the sky, I’m sure I would have been born with an engine, wings and a couple of propellers.”

Hannah had always prided herself on never showing any weakness in front of her daughter. Never showing any fear, especially not of heights. She was Riley’s total security and stability; it wouldn’t do for her daughter to feel she couldn’t handle something.

“You’re funny, Mama,” Riley said with a giggle. “But can I go, even if you don’t want to?” She beamed at Jesse, winding her arm tighter around his neck. “I won’t be afraid if Uncle Jesse’s there, Mama. Honest.”

Torn, Hannah glanced from her daughter to Jesse, not certain if she was amused or annoyed by Riley’s unfailing belief in Jesse. Something else for her to worry about.

She was just doing this—spending so much time with Jesse—to protect Tommy and the Ryans, she assured herself. At least if she was around Jesse and the family, she could keep an eye on him and make sure nothing went wrong.

In addition, Jesse seemed to be far more comfortable when she was there and his family was around. Almost as if she was a conduit, bridging the gap between them. A role she happily would play if it meant ensuring Tommy’s happiness.

But she had to be realistic. As much time as she was spending with Jesse was also time Riley was spending with him, and getting more and more attached to him day by day.

As was Hannah. And she knew better than to get emotionally involved with a man who wasn’t permanent. Or more importantly with a man who couldn’t see the value of family, especially his own. Like Jesse. Like Riley’s father, she thought. She’d already lived through that once, and would never make that mistake again. Not just for her sake, but her Riley’s as well.

No, she realized, blowing out a breath and glaring at the carnival ride, she had to keep her feelings in perspective in order to protect her daughter. That was her first priority.

She’d just have to monitor the situation with Riley carefully, she reasoned.