A Family to Come Home To (Saddle Falls) (19 page)

She deserved everything in the world.

But he wasn’t certain he could give her anything.

Especially himself, he thought with another little sigh.

He didn’t know if he had anything to give.

To her. To the Ryans. To anyone.

Dragging a hand through his hair, Jesse was surprised to find it shaking. He’d promised himself he’d stay emotionally detached; uninvolved until he sorted out his emotions, sorted out his memories and had time to figure things out.

He glanced at Hannah again. How on earth could he sort anything out when all he could do was think about her? And how much he wanted—needed—her?

He’d kept a lid on his emotions, holding everyone at bay for so long that now that he’d let someone close he was terrified.

Not so much for himself. But for her

He reached down and with a finger gently brushed a hair away from her closed eyes. She deserved a man who was permanent, a husband who’d give her all that she wanted, needed and deserved. And a man who could be a father to Riley, a real father, one who could love and accept her openly with no hesitation.

A man who knew who he was.

Jesse shook his head. How could he give her or Riley any part of himself when he still didn’t know who he was?

He couldn’t he realized.

He simply couldn’t.

It wouldn’t be fair to them. They deserved better.

And he knew it.

He knew he couldn’t give anything to anyone until he found out for sure who he was. Jesse glanced around. And he knew he couldn’t do it here. Not with her. And not in Saddle Falls. There was just too much emotional carnage here for him to sort things out. He needed time and he needed distance.

He needed Texas, he realized, pressing a gentle kiss to Hannah’s forehead. What he needed was to go…home.

“Y
ou’re leaving, son?” Tommy asked, coming into the kitchen. He’d passed Jesse’s room on his way downstairs and noted that it was empty. Devoid of any trace of the lad. Jesse’s car, parked in the driveway, was loaded up with his personal belongings and looked ready to go.

Standing at the kitchen window, staring out at the Ryan land, which stretched as far as the eye could see, Jesse slowly turned and looked at his grandfather. “I think it’s time, Tommy,” he said softly. “I…I…need some time to think.” He dragged a hand through his hair. “Some time to put things in perspective and sort them out. And I’ve always thought better alone.”

“Aye,” Tommy said, trying to hide his sadness. “I understand, son. Sometimes when something is troubling us a little solitude helps us see the way.” Tommy hesitated, then stepped closer to his grandson. “You know, lad, you’re always welcome here. To stay. To live. To visit. Whatever it is you find of comfort, whatever you need, we’ll understand.”

Jesse looked at his grandfather. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that, Tommy.” He hesitated. He hadn’t realized how hard this would be. He hadn’t realized that somehow when he wasn’t looking, he hadn’t remained quite as detached as he’d thought. “I…don’t reckon I know what to say, Tommy. Goodbye…well, it just doesn’t sound right.” Didn’t feel right either.

Tommy forced a smile. “Goodbye is such a permanent thing, don’t you think? I much prefer farewell and be well.” He laid a hand on his grandson’s shoulder. “It says so much more, son.”

Jesse nodded. He had an odd ache in his heart, an ache he couldn’t ever remember having before. “I’d like to say goodbye to everyone else, if you don’t mind.”

“Mind?” Tommy laughed. “I’d not have it any other way, son.” He met his grandson’s eyes, and saw his own long-gone son, Jock, in them, and tried to hide the ache in his heart. He’d waited and prayed for the return of the lad, and he’d received his fondest wish. He’d not be ungrateful and be wishing and wanting more. He knew the lad was safe, well and a fine, proud man. What more could any man want?

“Jesse, my boy. I’m proud of you, you know that, son? Your father, may he rest in peace, would have been proud as well. He loved you, lad, more than life. As do I,” Tommy added softly, swallowing hard around the lump in his throat. “Aye, son, as I do.”

“Tommy…” Jesse grabbed his grandfather in a bear hug, holding him close, reveling in the security he felt there, the love that radiated from one man to the other. Jesse’s throat felt thick, his voice too strained by the emotion he felt to say all the things he wanted to say, things that he suddenly realized were in his heart. He wasn’t accustomed to voicing his feelings or emotions and found now he simply couldn’t. “Thank you.”

Tommy drew back. He’d not weep, he told himself. He’d be grateful for what little time he’d had with the lad. It was more than he’d ever expected. “You’re welcome, lad.” He patted Jesse’s shoulder. “You’re welcome. Be well, Jesse,” Tommy said quietly, wiping away a tear. “Farewell.”

“Jared?”

“Back here.”

Jesse followed Jared’s voice around the back of the henhouse where he was working on repairing some wire fencing. The moment Jared saw Jesse, he straightened.

“What’s wrong?” Jared asked in alarm.

“Nothing.” Jesse shielded his eyes from the early-morning sun. “I’m…leaving. I just came to say goodbye.”

Jared nodded, slowly pulling off his gloves and extending his hand. “Jesse, I don’t know what to say. You know you’re always welcome to come back.” Jared cleared his throat then glanced around the land he loved. “There’s always plenty of work to do and I can always use a hand.”

“I reckon I’ll keep that in mind.” Jesse smiled. “Jared, would you say goodbye to Natalie and the kids for me?”

“Will do.” Jared cocked his head, sadness in his heart. “Think you might make your way back here again?”

Jesse grinned, fingering his Stetson. “Say, about September?”

Jared laughed. “How’d you know?”

“I don’t know anything.” He shrugged. “Natalie said something about if I thought it was a zoo around here now, wait until September.”

Jared’s face lit with love at the mention of his wife. Jesse realized it brought out a sense of envy in him, surprising him. He wondered what it would feel like to love someone like that. He’d never really thought about it before simply because he’d never thought such a thing possible for him before. “Yeah, well, seems we’re about to have a new addition around here. Natalie’s pregnant.” His face beamed with pride.

“Then you can bet I’ll be back come September, Jared. I wouldn’t want to miss the birth of my new niece or nephew.”

Jared looked at him steadily for a moment, eye to eye. “Yeah, Jesse, the children are your nieces and nephews.”

Stunned at his own words, Jesse shifted his weight. “Well, Jared, I’ve got to get going. I’ve got to drop Riley off at home before I take off.” He held out his hand. “Thanks for everything.”

Jared took his hand, then tugged Jesse close for a hug. He’d waited so long for his baby brother to come home. So many, many years. He never realized how hard it would be to let him go again. “Anytime, bro. Anytime.”

With one final glance around the land that the Ryans called home, Jesse turned and started walking back toward the house.

“Jake?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled, pushing open the front door of his own little house. It sat on Ryan land, within walking distance of the main house. “What the hell’s so important you had to wake me up at the crack of dawn for?” Jake gave a huge yawn, then rubbed his head, squinting at the bright, harsh sunlight behind Jesse.

“I’m leaving, Jake. I came to say goodbye.”

That brought Jake instantly awake. “Goodbye?” Jake frowned. “Where the hell are you going?” he growled, trying to cover his panic with anger.

“Texas,” Jesse said simply. “It’s time, Jake. I…I need some time to sort things out.”

“Does Tommy know?” Jake asked in concern, his thoughts already on his grandfather and how he would take the news.

“Yeah, I just saw him.”

“You okay?” Jake asked quietly.

Jesse shook his head. “I reckon I don’t rightly know, Jake.” He blew out a breath, shifting his weight, feeling an odd discomfort he couldn’t identify.

“Hannah know you’re leaving?” Jake didn’t believe in beating around the bush. He’d seen the way Jesse looked at Hannah and vice versa.

“Not yet.” Jesse glanced behind him. The back door was still open and sunlight was pouring into the small house. “I’ve got to drive Riley home to get ready for school. I’ll tell her then.”

“Hope you’re good at ducking,” Jake commented, stifling a yawn. “Because I have a feeling when you tell Hannah you’re leaving, she’s going to be chasing you with one of her beloved frying pans.”

Jesse couldn’t help it. He grinned. It reminded him of the very first day he’d met Hannah. When she’d all but promised the very same thing.

Jake looked at Jesse carefully. “I’ve known her my whole life, bro, and I’ve never seen her look at a man the way she looks at you. That’s not a look a man usually walks away from, unless the feeling isn’t mutual.”

Jesse glanced away, not sure how to respond. “It’s not that,” he admitted, not really sure how he felt about anything. “It’s just…I need some time to sort things out.”

“I understand,” Jake said with a nod.

They stood there for a moment, merely taking each other’s measure. Finally, Jesse spoke. “Jake, I don’t know what to say.” He held out his hand. Jake ignored it, dragging his brother close for a hug. After a brief moment, Jake thumped him on the back, then drew back to look at him.

“Listen to me, Jesse. You’re family. And we Ryans, we stick together. You got it?” He gave his brother a poke in the chest just to be certain he got the message. “You need anything, ever, anything at all, you give a holler, you hear? I’m only a few hours away by plane. You got it? I don’t care how old or how big you are, you’re still my baby brother.”

“I got it,” Jesse said, his own emotions kicking in, clogging his throat. He’d never imagined it would be so hard to leave.

“Good.” Jake yawned. “Now get outta here so I can get some more shut-eye.” He clamped a hand on Jesse’s shoulder, wanting one last connection, one last contact. “And remember what I said.” Jake grinned. “Duck.”

Jesse found Josh next door, at his own little house that bordered the Ryan ranch. Emma was still under the weather and in bed, and he found Josh trying to stuff some putrid orange-colored baby food into little Brie’s resisting little mouth.

“Josh, morning.” Jesse tried not to grin. Josh had more baby food on his shirt than the baby probably had in her tummy. “Need a hand here?” he asked just as Brie let loose a loud, wet raspberry, spreading something orange all over Josh’s white shirt.

“How on earth do women feed them?” Josh asked, grabbing the towel Jesse offered and wiping his face, his shirt, and Brie’s mouth. “For someone so little, she’s like an octopus, doing sixteen different things at once.” He reached out and grabbed the bottle that tiny fingers were reaching for. “I don’t know how Emma handles her.”

“How’s Emma doing?” Jesse asked, eyeing the baby. She was a beauty.

“Still sick as a dog,” Josh admitted with a sigh. “So as soon as I feed Brie, or she gets me to cry uncle, whichever comes first, I’m taking her over to Natalie.” Josh glanced up. “Something on your mind, Jesse?”

“I just came by to say goodbye.”

Josh merely stared at him for a moment. A million emotions fluttered through him. “You’re leaving?” he asked quietly.

Jesse nodded. “I think it’s for the best. For now.” Jesse fingered his Stetson. “I need some time to sort things out. Think them through.” He blew out a breath. “So much has happened in such a short time, Josh, I need some time to get a handle on them.”

“Are you coming back?” Josh asked, lifting Brie from her high chair and cradling her in his lap. The need to hold something right now was strong.

“Don’t reckon I know yet, Josh.” Jesse grinned. “Guess that’s one of the things I need to find out.”

“I understand,” Josh said, not understanding anything of the kind. “I hope you know how much it’s meant to us—all of us—to have you here, Jesse, I’m just sorry you’re leaving.”

Jesse smiled, running a finger over the baby’s cheek. It was as soft as down. “Thanks, Josh.”

“And hey, don’t worry about Hannah’s house. Jake, Jared and me, we’ll take care of it. A few weekends and it’ll be looking like new.”

Just like that, they stepped into the breach and picked up the slack. His brothers. His eyes were stinging and when he met Josh’s gaze, he felt his heart ache again. “Thanks, Josh. I appreciate it.” He shifted his weight uncomfortably. “Well…I’d better shove off. I’ve got a long way to go.”

Josh stood up. “Take care of yourself, Jesse,” he said quietly.

“I will.” Jesse extended his hand. Josh took it and for a moment they looked at each other, memories and feelings flowing freely from one heart to the other.

“You take care of that wife of yours.” Jesse bent and kissed Brie on the cheek. “And this little lady as well.” His voice was shakier than he would have liked.

“I will, Jesse. I will.” Josh hesitated, then started walking Jesse toward the door. “You take care of yourself.” Jesse turned, and he and Josh hugged. Jesse closed his eyes, wondering why he felt so…lost. So adrift. He hadn’t had that feeling in quite a while, not since before he’d arrived, but now it was back. And he didn’t like it.

“Take care, bro. Call if you need anything.” Josh stood in the doorway, watching his brother leave, with a deep-seated fear that he’d never see him again.

“Hi, Mama,” Riley called as she dashed into the house. “I got to get dressed for school. Uncle Jesse brought me home and the dog had puppies. I picked out a girl puppy, is that okay, Mama? I’m gonna call her Miss Muff’n Stuff, is that okay?”

Before Hannah had a chance to answer, Riley was racing through the kitchen, and up the stairs to change.

“Good morning,” Hannah said to Jesse, who stood in the doorway looking a tad uncomfortable. She reached up on tiptoe to kiss him. “I’m sorry I fell asleep last night.” She couldn’t help the smile that filled her face, her heart. “And thanks for your note. I found it when I woke up this morning.”

In spite of the promise he’d made to himself, he reached out and laid a hand to her cheek. “Don’t be sorry, darlin’, about falling asleep. You were exhausted.” He shrugged. “It’s understandable.”

“Thank you, Jesse,” she said a bit shyly. “For last night.” Her eyes slid closed in memory for a moment and then she sighed. “It was…wonderful.”

“That it was, darlin’.” Unable to resist, he drew her close and kissed her, wanting to hold her close just once more. Her arms instinctively went around him and he could feel her soft, feminine curves pressing against him, making him ache with remembrance and need. With deliberate effort, he drew back as Riley bounced back down the stairs.

“Am I late, Mama?” she asked, rushing into the kitchen and turning this way and that looking for her things.

“No, sweetheart.” Hannah glanced at the kitchen clock. “You’ve still got a few minutes.” Hannah grabbed Riley’s snack off the counter. “Put this in your bookbag, honey.”

“It’s for recess, right?” Riley asked with a grin. “I’m gonna share with Mikey today.” She struggled to get the straps of her bookbag all the way up her shoulders. Instinctively, Jesse reached out and helped her.

“Hannah, do you mind if I walk Riley to the bus? I’d like to talk to her.”

Hannah looked at him carefully. Something was wrong, she could see it in his eyes and by the way he was standing. It sent a chill racing over her.

“Sure, Jesse. Go ahead.” As she watched him take Riley’s hand, and lead her out the door and down the walk, Hannah couldn’t help but feel a premonition of fear.

Something was wrong.

She knew it as surely as she knew her own name.

Hannah’s gaze shifted to the window and she noticed Jesse’s car. Then she saw the luggage in the back seat and she pressed trembling hands to her lips.