A Family to Come Home To (Saddle Falls) (20 page)

Oh God.

He was leaving.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” she said the moment he’d put Riley on the bus and walked back in the house. Biting back tears, Hannah clenched her hands together so he wouldn’t see them trembling.

“Yes, darlin’, I’m afraid I am.” He shifted, then reached out to touch her, but she drew back, away from him, unable to bear the thought that he could walk away from her after last night, after what they’d shared and could have together. It hurt far worse than she’d ever imagined.

“Why?” she demanded. “Why are you leaving?”

He shook his head. “You knew all along I was leaving, darlin’. I never tried to hide it from you.” He wondered if he looked as miserable as he felt.

“But what about Tommy? Your brothers?” Her voice caught and she struggled for control, trying not to let the fear and panic have free rein. “Are you simply going to turn your back on your family and walk away from them?”

Was he simply going to turn his back on her and walk away?

How could he? she wondered.

Especially after last night.

After what they’d shared.

Fighting back tears, Hannah clenched her fists until her nails bit into her palms. She knew better, knew she should have never allowed herself to let him get close to her or to her daughter. Knew she had no business not guarding her heart from him. She knew better and had let it happen anyway.

She had no one to blame but herself for this horrendous pain tearing through her.

“Darlin’, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’m not turning my back on anyone.” He stepped closer, would have pulled her into his arms if he didn’t see the coldness and pain in her eyes. He’d promised her she’d always be safe with him. And he’d broken that promise to her. Guilt washed over him and Jesse knew there was no way he could make this up to her.

Hannah was hurt.

And he felt like an absolute heel.

“Not turning your back?” she cried, fear and pain mingling. “Not walking away? Then what do you call it, Jesse?” she asked, her voice rising. She took a step closer and the look on her face had him taking a step back, remembering Jake’s warning. “Just what exactly do you call it?”

He was turning his back on her just as another man had once done. He’d won her heart, and now he was simply going to walk away from her as if her heart, her life and her feelings were of no consequence.

Another thought had a pain searing through her. “Tommy. Oh my God, does Tommy know?” Now tears began in earnest. She couldn’t bear the thought of Tommy being hurt, not by Jesse, not after all these years of waiting and longing.

“Yes, darlin’. Everyone knows—except for Riley,” he added softly, making her eyes widen.

“Look, darlin’, I’m sorry, truly I am. I never meant to hurt you.” How could he tell her what he was feeling when he didn’t understand it himself? Didn’t understand the confusing mix of feelings and emotions that had been dogging him for months, making him doubt everything he ever believed about himself and his life.

How could he tell her he couldn’t offer himself to her, to Riley, to anyone until he knew exactly
who he was.

And where he belonged.

Looking at the pain and sadness on Hannah’s face, Jesse knew he couldn’t tell her any of that, not without hurting her further.

“I’m sorry, Hannah-Anna,” he said softly, lifting a hand to her cheek for one last moment, before she turned away. “I’m truly sorry.”

She gave her head an angry toss. “And just what are you sorry for, Jesse?” Her eyes blazed at him, making the ache inside him sharper. “Sorry for turning your back on your own family? Or are you sorry for turning your back on me?” She hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t meant for him to know what was in her heart, fearing it would frighten him. Now it really didn’t seem to matter.

“I’m sorry for all of it, darlin’,” Jesse said slowly, settling his Stetson on his head. “I’m just plain…sorry.”

She nodded, crossing her arms across her chest as if she could hold all the pain in. “Fine, you’re sorry.” She merely glared at him, knowing if he didn’t leave soon he was going to have to watch her fall apart right in front of his eyes. “If you’re leaving, then leave, Jesse.” They were the hardest words she’d ever had to say. “I’ve got work to do.”

He nodded, then turned, pausing to look back at her, his eyes filled with an emotion she couldn’t identify. “Hannah-Anna,” he whispered, reaching out a hand toward her. “You’ll tell Riley for me?”

Nodding, she stepped back, and couldn’t stop the tears from filling her eyes.

“Yes, Jesse,” she whispered, her voice cracking. “Please…just…go.”

Covering her tear-stained face with her hands so he wouldn’t witness her pain, Hannah didn’t open her eyes again until she heard the door shut quietly behind him.

Jesse decided to drive back to Texas, rather than take a plane, because he needed some time to think, to absorb everything that had happened to him.

With every passing mile, the ache in his heart grew stronger, bolder, and his mind, his memories, became clearer, closer.

These past few months he’d been searching for Jesse Ryan, searching for the boy who’d been stolen so many years ago.

All these months, he’d been wondering who he was and where he belonged. But as he drove Jesse realized that his emotions weren’t as clouded or as confused as he thought.

His whole life he’d had a hard time with emotion, had had a hard time getting close to anyone or letting them close. And he’d never understood it or questioned it. He’d merely accepted it. That’s the way he was.

That’s the way
Jesse Garland
was, he realized. Maybe, as Hannah had pointed out, Jesse Garland had become that way—distant, unemotional, detached—in order to protect himself so that Jesse Garland wouldn’t suffer the same devastating pain that little Jesse Ryan had suffered. It had merely been a cover of protection.

The past few weeks he’d learned a little bit about who Jesse Ryan had been. Jesse Ryan had been part of a huge, loving family. A little boy who’d loved freely, openly and without fear. A little boy who’d been doted on and spoiled by his parents, his grandfather and his brothers.
Jesse Ryan had been a boy filled with hope and love.

But somehow that little boy had been lost, and Jesse Garland had taken his place.

So who was
he
really? Jesse wondered as the miles passed and he got farther and farther away from Saddle Falls.

Jesse Garland would never have allowed himself to fall in love with Hannah. Or Riley, he thought, recognizing for the first time that the emotions he felt inside, emotions that had haunted him from the moment he’d walked out of her house were…love.

He was in love with Hannah.
The knowledge was staggering, and for the first time in his life Jesse understood what he was feeling, what was in his heart.

He loved Hannah more than life itself, with the same kind of love and devotion he’d seen on his brothers’ faces—Josh when he looked at Emma, Jake when he looked at Rebecca, and Jared when he looked at Natalie. He’d envied those looks, envied them but knew he could never have that.

Jesse Garland
could never have that, a small voice whispered. He could never open up his emotions, allow himself to love or be loved.

But maybe
Jesse Ryan
could.

Jesse’s thoughts drifted to Tommy and he couldn’t prevent a smile. Tommy was the most incredible man he’d ever met. Loving and kind, and with a strong sense of himself and family.

Jesse Garland would never be able to understand someone like Tommy.

But Jesse Ryan understood him perfectly.

Jesse thought about his brothers, Jake, Jared and Josh. There was a connection between them, a connection that had no beginning and no end and was strong as the love that flowed through their veins, uniting them.

Jesse Garland would never be able to accept that kind of connection, that kind of closeness.

But Jesse Ryan accepted it with ease, and in fact, relished it.

Jesse Garland was a bleak, solitary man who harbored no hopes, no dreams for the future.

But Jesse Ryan was a man who had hopes, dreams and wanted a future and a family. A woman of his own to love, a child of his own to care for.

Jesse Garland would never understand the love and commitment to the land and the way Saddle Falls was as much a part of the Ryans as the sun to morning.

But Jesse Ryan understood it, and felt the love of the land in his hands as the rich dark earth slithered through his fingers, generation after generation.

Jesse Ryan understood that Saddle Falls, the small town that had grown along with the Ryan clan, was and always would be…home.

“Damn!” Jesse hit the brakes, nearly swerving off the interstate. Ignoring the blare of horns behind him, he glanced in his rearview mirror before crossing three lanes of traffic in order to make the nearest exit.

He had to turn around.

He was going the wrong way.

He knew it now.

Knew it in his heart, knew it in his soul.

Jesse slowed and glanced in his rearview mirror. He felt a burden lift from his shoulders and he smiled, a golden beautiful smile, recognizing the face in the mirror for the first time in almost twenty years.

“Well, hello, Jesse Ryan,” he said to himself. “I think it’s time for you to go home.”

“Now, Riley honey, please don’t lose your bookbag,” Hannah said, hurrying along and taking her daughter’s hand as they walked toward the bus stop. “Do you have your snack for recess?”

“Yes, Mama,” Riley said with a grin. “I put it in my bag. Can I share with Mikey again today?”

Hannah smiled. “Yes, honey. I even put in an extra snack for him.”

“I like Mikey. He says I could be his sister.”

Sister. Hannah sighed, remembering a time when she was a young girl and a little boy had told her that.

Jesse.

She pushed the thought away, unwilling to indulge herself any longer. He’d been gone almost twenty-four hours, and although she went through all the motions necessary to keep her life together, her heart wasn’t in it, simply because her heart was broken.

“Mama?” Riley looked up at her. “You said Uncle Jesse wasn’t coming back.”

Hannah sniffled, then glanced down at her daughter, knowing her daughter’s heart was aching as much as her own. “That’s right, sweetheart,” she said gently, going down so she was eye level with her. “Remember yesterday how I explained it to you?”
Tried
to explain it to Riley. How could Hannah explain something she didn’t understand herself?

“But Mama, Uncle Jesse’s right there.” Riley pointed behind her and Hannah turned to see Jesse’s SUV pull to a stop right by the driveway.

“Hi, Uncle Jesse,” Riley called, bouncing on her feet and trying to tug free of her mother. Hannah held on to her daughter tightly.

“Jesse?” Hannah’s heart flipped over and she blinked several times, not certain she wasn’t imagining him. “Jesse?” she said again.

“It’s me, darlin’,” he said with a smile, shutting the truck door behind him. He was dead tired. He’d driven nonstop for almost twenty-four hours. He hadn’t slept, shaved or bathed, and knew this probably wasn’t his finest hour.

But he didn’t care. He couldn’t wait; he had to come back. He couldn’t wait to get home.

Hope and anger rose in equal measures and Hannah wasn’t certain what to do as he walked toward her, his gaze never leaving hers.

“Are you all right?” Hannah asked, letting her shocked gaze take him in. “You…look…terrible.”

He laughed, scooping Riley up in his arms, needing to hold her. “Yep, I reckon that’s a fact.”

“I missed you, Uncle Jesse,” Riley said, giving him a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “Lots and lots.”

“You did, darlin’?” Jesse drew back to look at her. Lord, how he loved this little imp. “Well, darlin’, I missed you, too.” He pressed his forehead to hers and let a sigh of relief free. “Lots and lots as well.”

“Did you miss Mama, too?”

Jesse’s gaze slid to Hannah’s. She stood still, staring at him with hope in her heart, in her eyes. Seeing him holding her daughter in his arms was almost too much for her to bear.

“I reckon I missed your mama lots and lots, too, darlin’.” He paused. “That’s why I came home.”

Home.
Hannah heard the word, the word she’d waited and yearned and longed to hear from him.
Home.
Jesse was home. Hope flared like a beacon inside her heart.

“Are you gonna stay, Uncle Jesse? Are you?”

He laughed. “Well, darlin’, do you and your mama want me to stay?”

“Yes, yes!” Riley cried, winding her arms around his neck. “We want you to stay, don’t we, Mama?”

Hannah’s hand went to her throat where her heart seemed to have lodged. “Jesse?” She couldn’t get the words out. “What…what are you saying?” She shook her head, afraid to hope, afraid to have her heart broken all over again. “What are you doing here?”

He glanced around then shrugged. “This is my home, Hannah-Anna,” he said quietly, slowly walking toward her. “My home.”

Her heart began to thud in reckless, wild hope. “Home, Jesse? You mean Saddle Falls?”

He grinned, reaching out a hand to take hers. “Saddle Falls, Tommy, my brothers.” His gaze met hers, strong, steady. “You and Riley. This is my home, Hannah-Anna.” He glanced around, savoring the connection just touching her produced. “This is where I belong.” He kissed Riley’s cheek. “I know that now.” He chuckled in embarrassment. “Maybe it took me a while to figure it all out, but—”

“But what about Jesse Garland?” She had to know, had to ask, afraid of being hurt again. “What about Texas? Your ranch?”

He shook his head, then smiled, feeling comfortable in his skin for the first time in a long, long while. “Well, darlin’, funny thing about that. Texas to me is just a state now. As for the ranch, I’m going to sell it, I never belonged there. Jesse Garland is just someone I once knew a long time ago.” He shrugged. “Doesn’t make a heckuva lot of sense, maybe, but that’s the only way I can explain it.” He held her hand tighter. “I know who I am, Hannah, and I know where I belong. I’m Jesse Ryan, and I belong here, in Saddle Falls, with Tommy, my family, and especially with you and Riley. I love you,” he said, growing alarmed when her eyes filled. “Good Lord, darlin’, don’t cry.” He brushed the tears from her cheeks. “I don’t know what to do with a woman who’s crying.” He dug into his pocket for a handkerchief, then shoved it at her. “Here, darlin’, please don’t cry.”