A Flawed Heart (26 page)

“I didn’t bring you here to make you sad. I brought you here
to make you happy. Please don’t cry.”

I grip his jaw and pull his face into me, then kiss him with
passion. The highly charged emotions from the evening explode from my body. I
slip my leg over his hip and squeeze him into me. He returns my invitation, and
grinds his hips into me. His erection presses right at my center, and my thin,
lace panties don’t provide much of a barrier against his weapon. Tiny waves of
increasing pleasure flood through me as he grinds his cock against my clit. He
threads his hand in my hair, and his thumb presses against my jaw. The gentle
pressure causes my mouth to open even further for him. He completely claims me
with his kiss, his tongue swirling against mine. He kisses my neck, and my back
arches as he licks and nibbles the sensitive skin.

“That feels so good.”

He thrusts his hips harder as I speak, and the friction
causes me to cry out. I dig my fingernails into his back as he slides down my
body. He grabs the hem of my dress and slips it up over my stomach and out of
his way. Then he hooks his long fingers into my panties and yanks them down my
legs. He parts his supple lips and spreads my legs,
then,
finally, he gives me the contact I’ve been craving. He slides his tongue
between my lips. I gasp at the sensation and look down to see his gorgeous hair
stirring between my legs. He moves his lips to my clit and sucks it as he
slides and pulses his fingers inside of me. He moans again and again as he
tastes me, and I relish the way the vibration feels against my sensitive skin.

“Shit…” I grip and pull on his hair, forcing his face even
deeper between my legs. The pleasure he’s making me feel makes me abandon all
of my inhibitions. I grind myself against him, and my face gets hot as I feel
climax approaching. He pulls away and kneels before me again. His face glistens
and he licks his lips. His hands shake as he struggles to open his belt and
then he unleashes his enormous hard-on. It bobs in the air on front of me and I
groan in anticipation.

He retrieves a condom from his back pocket, tears it open
with his teeth, and then enters me without warning. I gasp as he fills me.
Without hesitation, I wrap my legs around him, binding his body to mine. After
several quick and rough thrusts, he slows his pace and his tongue tangles with
mine. Between kisses he mutters incoherent, but sexy ramblings. “So fucking
good…I love you so much…so God damn sexy, Claire…oh,
fuck
…”

He reaches back and grabs my knee, holding my leg as he
thrusts. Sweat begins to spread on his skin, and I bite my lip as I feel myself
about to break into tiny shards of ecstasy.

“Claire, baby, I want you to…”

At his words my head spins, and I gasp for air as my vision
clouds. I feel my body weight shift and before I know what’s happened, he’s on
his back and I’m straddling him. My face is pressed against his chest and he
strokes my hair. His cock is still hard inside me and I know that he hasn’t
come yet. He rocks his hips as I regain my senses. I put my hands at either
side of his face and sit back, pressing my wet slit all the way down around his
hard-on. My hair dangles in his face and he hisses as I swivel my hips. He
reaches up and pulls down my dress. The fabric falls away and my nipples harden
in the cool air. He sits up and his greedy mouth sucks and licks at my breasts.
He bites at my nipple and flicks it with his tongue. I arch my back and begin
to grind into him harder, closing my eyes as I focus on the sensation of Jason’s
mouth on my body. He grips my ass with both hands and squeezes as I hold onto
his forearms to steady myself. He looks up at me and his tongue protrudes from
between his teeth. He spanks me twice, and I whimper as our eyes lock. The way
he looks at me makes me tingle and crumble at the same time. My knees scrape
against the roof, but the uncomfortable pinching is no match for the unspeakable
pleasure I feel with Jason inside of me. My breasts bounce as his hips make
rough thrusts.

“Ah…Claire…
fuck
…” He moans and
curses. I reach back and place my hand on his thigh to steady myself. He pumps
into me like a jackrabbit, then tenses and comes, squeezing my thigh as he
does. He pulls me down to rest on top of him and we lie together, under the
stars, exhausted and satisfied. A serene smile resides on his lips.

“That was fucking unbelievable.” He kisses me as his hands
slide through my hair, and I find myself wishing that this moment would never
end.

My love for Jason feels like a weight pressed against me, as
if my chest is caving in. The panic I felt earlier this evening after speaking
to Daniel and seeing Lydia’s sculptures has
returned,
and I realize the reason why I feel so uneasy.
How long can this happiness
last?
How much longer will I get to feel this?

He stands up and puts his pants on, as I readjust my dress.
I avoid his gaze.

“What are you thinking?” he asks.

“What do you see when you think about your life?” I answer
his question with a question of my own.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, when you think about the future…wherever you are…am
I there, too?”

He pulls out a cigarette and lights it. Smoke floats and
snakes through the air above us, casting a thin veil over the starlit sky. He’s
quiet and thoughtful and doesn’t answer right away. His silence makes me
anxious, but I don’t press him.

“I would love nothing more than to continue to be with you…”
he pauses.

A chill of terror roars up my spine.
“And?”
I prompt him.

“But…” he continues.

“But what?”

“It’s no secret that I’m damaged, and you’ve certainly
helped me with that. I’m a far better person now than I was before we found
each other. I just wonder if it’s fair to you…being with me. I don’t want to
weigh you down. Sometimes, I wonder if you deserve more than I can give you.
Maybe there’s someone out there who might be able to make you happier than I
can. So, when I think about the future…I don’t know what I see.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Relax. I’m just thinking out loud.”

“I love you. How could you say that to me? Don’t you feel
the same? Don’t you love me back? What has this all been about, Jason?” I feel
my throat closing with panic.

“Of course I love you. Claire, I love you more that you can
possibly imagine.”

“Then why are you saying this? I can’t see myself without
you—ever. How can you say it wouldn’t be ‘
fair
’? How do you think that
makes me feel? Why were you so hot about me moving in with you if you don’t see
us together in the future?”

“I said it might be better for you. Fuck, I don’t know what
I’m saying. Just forget it, forget I said it.”

“How can I just pretend like you didn’t say that? I’m
putting myself out there right now. How can you hurt me like this?”

I grab my shoes. Tears betray me by pouring out of my eyes.
I feel as if I’ve been stabbed in the heart. He struggles to stand as I make my
way to the hatch.

“Claire, don’t leave. I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“Please, don’t follow me.” My voice cracks.

I step down the ladder, and see Jason raking his hands over
his face through my tear filled eyes. I stumble down the hall, and once I’m
inside the elevator my shoulders shake as tears stream down my face. I feel
like I can’t breathe. I made myself vulnerable and instead of reassuring me
like I thought he would, he slams me with doubt and admits he can’t see a
future for us. I crash through the front door of the building and race down the
block, letting out a sob as I reach the corner.

“Claire? Is that you?”

I turn around and find Tony standing right in front of me.

“Claire, are you okay?”

“No. I am definitely
not
okay,” I say, not bothering
to wipe my mascara-streaked cheeks.

He steps toward me. His face is wrought with concern and he
places his hands on my shoulders. “Is there anything I can do?” he asks.

I’m suddenly overcome with the need to have a friend—a
shoulder to cry on. “I think I just need someone to talk to.”

“Come on. Let’s get you home.”

We enter our building and stop on Tony’s landing. “Come
inside. I’ll make you some tea or something.”

I sit down at his kitchen table.

“What happened? Was it Jason? Did he hurt you?”

I smile in spite of myself at how true this statement is. “No.
He just…he said some things I didn’t want to hear.”

“Like what?”

“He said he feels like there’s probably a guy out there who
could treat me better than he can. He thinks I deserve more.”

“Well, sounds like he finally got something right.”

Tony’s words sting and he backtracks when he sees he’s hurt
me. “I’m sorry. I think that came out wrong. I mean, it’s not exactly a secret
that I’m attracted to you, but
it’s
obvious how much
you care for Taylor—and how much he cares for you. Claire, I have to be honest
with you—I’m not thrilled with the fact that you’re taken, but I’m actually
glad about one thing…”

“What’s that?”

“I’m glad you’re with someone who’s so in love with you. I’ve
seen the way he looks at you. It’s like you’re the only person in the room—like
you’re the only person on the entire planet.”

I feel the tears begin to flood again. Tony lifts my chin
with his finger, forcing me to look up into his brown eyes. “If Jason said
those things to you, it’s because he feels
unworthy
of your love—not
because he doesn’t love you. Maybe he’s just trying to push you away. Maybe he’s
afraid. I know he’s suffered a loss before, maybe he said what he did because
he can’t bear to go through that again. I don’t know for sure why he said it,
but I do know that he’s in love with you and I know that you love him, too. I’m
jealous of the guy, but I’ve made my peace with it. I want you to be happy. I
know you may not feel happy right now, but I know Jason wants to be the one to
make you feel that way. Maybe you should take it easy on him. I don’t think he
meant to hurt you.”

Tony’s words seem heartfelt. I feel a wave of warmth wash
over me. I stand and lean my head against his shoulder and wrap my arms around
his waist. He smells like soap and cologne…so different from Jason. Jason’s
whole body feels like home to me. This feels so strange and foreign. I feel
Tony’s arm slide up my back and he begins to rub my shoulder. A touch like this
from Jason would send me into a spiral of pleasure, but sitting here with Tony,
I feel nothing. His arms tighten around me and I feel him kiss my forehead, and
then my cheek. I pull away from him.

“I have to go. Thanks for the talk, but I have to go.”

He lets out a frustrated sigh. “Okay. I’m always here…if you
need me.”

“Thanks.”

I run out of Tony’s place and fumble in my purse for my cell
phone. Of course, there are several missed calls and all of them are from
Jason. I dial him back and he answers right away.

“Where are you?” he sounds worried and relieved at the same
time.

“I’m at home. Where are you?” I ask.

“I’m double parked out front. Please just come down and let
me explain,” he begs.

“I’ll be right there,” I answer and hang up.

As I exit the building, Jason’s car sits underneath a
streetlight. I run over to the Charger, open the car door, and slide into the
passenger seat. He doesn’t look at me. His hands grip the wheel as if he’s
driving, but the car is off, the engine cold. His leg shakes with what I can
only assume is anxiety.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” I wring my hands together and finger the edge of my
dress.

“Where were you? I called Lydia. She said you weren’t home.”

“Uh…I ran into Tony.”

He jerks his head in my direction. “What?”

“I ran into Tony. He saw I was crying, so I went up to his
apartment for a minute.”

His hands ball into fists, and he pulls back and punches his
dashboard with so much force the car shakes. “Are you fucking kidding me right
now? You went to his fucking apartment?”

I flinch. “Nothing happened. We just talked.”

He grabs the door handle and I know that if he leaves this
car, Tony will end up in the hospital. I grab his elbow and use all of my
strength to keep him from leaving. It’s no easy feat.

“Please just wait a minute! Fucking calm down and listen,
will you?”

After a struggle, he relaxes back into his seat but his
posture is still tense. “Talk,” he commands.

“I was upset. He listened. That’s it.”

“You could have fucking talked to
me
instead of
running into the arms of that punk.”

“Maybe I would’ve talked to you if you hadn’t been such an
asshole on the roof! You’ve got a lot of nerve right now.
You’re
the
reason I was upset. And for your information, Tony was
defending
you.”

“I didn’t realize I couldn’t talk to you about how I feel,
Claire. Am I supposed to walk on eggshells with you, or can I be fucking
honest?”

His words cut into my heart. I want to scream. I want to hit
something. I want to hit
him.
Without thinking, I raise my hand and
swing it at Jason’s face. Before I can make contact, he grabs my wrist. His
mouth is gaped open with shock. My need to find a target for my rage is still
not satisfied. I futilely struggle to free my wrist, and then raise my other
hand to try to strike him again.
I
want him to feel my frustration. I want him to know how much he’s hurting me.

“Baby, stop.”
He grabs my other
wrist and pulls my body over the console and into his lap. I struggle against
him. His eyes no longer hold anger, but sympathy.

“Let me go!” My words don’t match my actions as I straddle
his lap, any effort or desire to hurt him dissolving with his touch. The spell
he casts on me changes my violence into need.