A Flawed Heart (22 page)

He lies back down and rakes his hand over his face. I place
my head at his shoulder. His brow is creased with anger and worry, and I reach
my hand up, rubbing out the crinkled flesh with my fingertips.

“He’s a sweet guy, but he’s not you.”

I know it’s hard for him to extinguish his anger, and
watching him try to do it is refreshing. “I’m proud of you for not freaking
out.”

He leans into me, and his delicious scent descends on me and
clouds my mind. He presses his soft mouth to my cheek and then my lips, kissing
me with everything he feels, then he pulls back and smiles as he brushes my
hair from my face.

“I’m working on it.”

The late afternoon light fades as we watch the city
disappear in the rear view mirror of the Charger. It glides like a pinball over
the Williamsburg Bridge. Fallen leaves scatter and disappear through the
streets. The wheels seem to guide
themselves
as Jason
reclines in his seat.

I feel sad to be leaving this weekend behind, because I’m
wondering if Jason will continue to so openly bare his feelings once we have
returned to our lives. The words we shared hang in my mind like the haze over the
skyline. The stereo is blasting as usual, and he gives me control of his iPod.
I scroll through it and put on a soft, slow song. Jason and I begin to sing
along simultaneously. I relish the way it feels when our voices join together;
enjoying the perfect harmony we intuitively create.

He smiles as he sings, the fading light glinting off of his
sunglasses, his fingers interlaced with mine. Now that Jason and I have
declared ourselves to each other, I feel it everywhere. Even my skin recognizes
the intense connection we share. My fingers feel numb and barren if his hand is
not in mine.

Our drive is filled with music rather than words, and we
arrive back at his apartment as the sun sets. It takes forever to find parking,
his block being more crowded with cars than usual. When we enter the building
we hear a chorus of voices shouting and laughing.

“I guess we’re having a party.” Jason sighs and rubs his
hand along his delectable jaw in a gesture of frustration mixed with amusement.

We run up the steps, and are greeted by the sight of a half open
front door and a graveyard of empty beer bottles.
The low
vibration of bass hums from the stereo.

“I fucking missed you guys!” Ben’s voice booms as he barrels
down the hall toward us, enveloping myself and then Jason in a bear hug. “Did
you have fun? We’re totally having an accidental party right now. Sorry if you
weren’t in the mood. What do you want to drink? Everyone’s here.”

Lydia runs up and hugs her brother, then grips my hand as
she tugs me down the hall. I look back at Jason over my shoulder. My hair
obscures my view of him for a moment, but my eyes are determined to find his.
His skin, his smell, and his body have become such a part of me—I feel his
absence like the phantom limb of an amputee. I’m surprised to feel my heart
shrink as I leave his side, even for a brief moment.

A cold bottle of beer is pressed into my hand as I enter the
kitchen. Kat waves to me from her perch on the counter top, and my lips turn up
as I smile in return. A ton of people fill the tiny room, overwhelming the
small space. The walls strain to accommodate the number of them all. I take a
sip of my beer, and feel more at home than I ever felt in Savannah.

Lydia whisks and whirls around the kitchen, and I watch in
awe of the easy way she always has about her. Now that I’ve seen inside of
Jason’s heart, he and Lydia seem more and more similar to me. I see couples
kissing and laughing together, and all of a sudden I feel like half of a whole
without Jason at my side. I stand and maneuver through the apartment looking
for him. I go into his room, and then back to the kitchen. I even check the
bathroom, but he’s nowhere to be found. I resign myself to the fact that I’ve
lost him in his own place, and take an empty seat at the kitchen table with
Lydia and Alana.

I’m coerced into taking a few tequila shots, and very soon
my head becomes fuzzy and my mood lifts. Lydia charms everyone with her wit and
has the whole room, including myself, doubled over in laughter at her stories
and jokes. Even though I’d rather be with Jason, it’s nice to spend time with
Lydia.

I take another lap through the apartment again, and come up
empty. My drunken haze turns into worry, and I decide to check the street for
his car. I peek through the living room window, and am relieved to have finally
found him sitting outside on the stoop with Ben. I grab some beers from the
fridge and go outside to join them. Jason’s eyes light up when he sees me. I
wrap my arms around myself as I walk toward him, bracing against the cool night
air.

“Come sit with me, babe.” He pats the step and I sit beside
him. He wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his body. I’m instantly
warmed and calmed by his touch.

“Jay tells me you guys had a good time in the city?” Ben
asks, winking at me.

“Yes. It was great. I really loved it.”

Jason’s arm tightens around me and he kisses the top of my
head. “I really love
you
,” he whispers. His voice is hardly audible, but
I know I heard him right. I feel my insides tingle. We pass a joint around, and
talk about Lydia’s upcoming art show at the Brooklyn Arts Festival.

“What do you have planned for the fest this year?” Ben asks
Jason. “There’s a music showcase at the festival every year. Scouts come out
for it,” he explains to me.

“That sounds like a big deal,” I say.

“I have a few ideas for what I’m going to do. I play solo
every year, but I really want to perform a few songs with a band behind me this
time.”

“
There
you guys
are!” Lydia interrupts our conversation, floating out onto the stoop wrapped in
a blanket. She takes a seat beside Jason, and Kat and Alana follow behind her.

The night turns dark and cold. We pass the time outside
together, adding countless bottles to the collection that has grown beside us.
The crowded apartment eventually diminishes to just Ben, Alana, Lydia, Jason,
and I.

We drink icy beer in the chilly air and our conversation
fades to comfortable silence as we huddle together in the Brooklyn night. Alana
blows slowly across the mouth of her bottle. The high hollow note she creates
with her makeshift flute hangs in the air, and then floats up through the
trees. A crow caws as it grudgingly leaves the branches. I’m reminded of what
Jason said to me in the park—it’s all music.

I take a drag of my cigarette and watch the smoke snake
through the air. It floats toward Jason and I giggle at the fact that even my
breath is magnetically drawn to him.

“Hey, I know, let’s go to the park.” Lydia suggests.

“What are you, five? It’s fucking freezing, Lydia. I’m not
going all the way to the park. I’m fine right here.” Jason shakes his head and
adjusts his position next to me.

“Oh, come on.” Lydia tugs on his arm like a child begging
for ice cream. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

Jason lets out a heavy sigh and Ben laughs at his grumbling.
We stand, stretch, and leave the seats we’ve been occupying for hours. Jason
runs inside to grab his leather jacket and a hoodie for me.

The
walk to the park is punctuated by kisses from Jason. He keeps his hand buried
in my back pocket as we stroll. We linger behind the others, but I hear squeals
in the distance from Lydia, Kat and Alana as Ben repeatedly claims to see
boogey men emerging around each corner.

We arrive at the park, and transform into children. A
shoving match between Jason and Ben erupts into a game of tag, which turns into
hide and seek, and I sit breathless at the base of an oak tree, hiding with
Jason. I feel my stomach flutter as my body remembers what it feels like to
hide in the dark. The tiny patch of earth we sit on smells of must and dead
leaves.

Jason reminds me that this is the first moment we have been
alone, since we returned from the city, by playfully running his hand up my
thigh. I stifle a giggle as his lips meet mine. His mouth is soft and warm, and
my lips wrap around his as he kisses me. I lean back, melting against the tree
trunk, as he shifts his weight and presses his hard-on into my thigh. The feel
of his ever-ready erection causes my body to heat in the cold, night air, and
he moves his lips to my neck. I see my breath in the air as I gasp for oxygen.
He nibbles my earlobe, and his hand slides further up my thigh and then to the
button on my jeans. He nimbly slips his hand inside, and we groan together as
he touches my wet lips with his fingertips.

“Do you really think we should do this here?” My voice is a
whisper as we fight to conceal ourselves from the others.

He moves his lips closer to my ear. “I’m honestly not
thinking about anything but the way you feel right now. I love the way you
feel. I love you so much.”

I dig my fingernails into his back, and shift myself so that
his fingers slide closer to my entrance. I know we should stop, but I can’t
resist his touch. “Please, don’t stop…”

“Fuck, I love it when you talk like that—so fucking sexy.”

I grip his jaw and pull his mouth to mine. I thrust my
tongue into his mouth, and he responds eagerly. He moans as I grip his shoulder
tightly. I hear footsteps approach, and then pass us by…and the idea of being
caught turns me on even more. Jason knows just how to touch me. He puts one
hand over my mouth to keep me quiet as he moves his fingers. I moan, and he
looks at me with a raised eyebrow and a grin. Someone runs past us again,
closer this time, and he withdraws his hand. I zip up my jeans, laughing at
what he’s just done. He readjusts himself next to me and pulls me into his
shoulder.

“Would you ever want to perform with me?” His eyes are on
the roots of the tree we sit beneath.

“Of course.
I love singing with you…wait,
do you mean like, in front of people?”

“Yes, in front of people. Like at the fest. Ben and Lydia
already agreed to do it. I’d prefer to play with people I connect with.
Musicians have big egos, and I’m not into trying to work with hired guns…or
douchebags.”

“Oh, they have big egos do they? Sounds like someone I know,”
I tease.

He tickles my waist in response. I laugh loudly and our
cover is finally blown.

“Found ‘
em
!” Lydia yells.

“Shit. Way to go, Claire.” Jason stands and wipes the dirt
from his jeans.

“I only laughed because you tickled me, jerk.” I attempt to
punch his arm, but he darts out of my path.

“Good luck with that,” Lydia says. “Jason’s fast. I could
never catch him when we were little.”

“You can’t catch me now either,” he challenges and runs away
from his sister.

“Who says I want to?” Lydia yells after him as he disappears
across the park.

She leans against the tree, smiling at me. “I can’t tell you
how happy it makes me to see Jason like this. He’s so different. You’ve brought
him back from wherever he went, and I just…I can’t thank you enough.” She wraps
her arms around me and I return her embrace.

We hear someone running toward us, and Lydia releases me.
She grabs a low tree branch. “They won’t catch us up here. Climb, Claire!”

I’m beyond the point of reason. I grab the branch as Lydia
moves further into the oak tree. I giggle as my feet leave the earth. My hands
are cold and the bark is rough, but the tree seems to be made for climbing, and
I easily follow her path. She stops once she’s about six feet up, and I do the
same. I look down to where Jason, Ben, and Alana stand at the base of the tree.
I feel dizzy. I don’t know if it’s from the height or the alcohol.

“All right.
You’re nimble, Lydia.
Now come down,” Jason yells.

“I will never surrender!” Lydia shouts, playfully shaking
the branches.

I feel my grip on the branches begin to slip and then
everything goes black.

“Should we call an ambulance?”

“Fuck, I don’t fucking know. Jesus Christ, Lydia! It was
your genius
idea to fucking come
here!”

“Well, I didn’t know someone was
gonna
fall out of a fucking tree, Jason!”

“Claire! Claire? Baby, can you hear me? Claire!”

I open my eyes and blink the fuzzy haze away as I struggle
to breathe. My chest feels like it’s filled with molasses, but then, at last,
cold air enters my lungs.

“Oh, thank fucking God. Lydia, what the
fuck
were
you thinking?
Tequila and fucking tree climbing?
Coming here was a stupid idea.
God fucking
damnit
!”

“Will you please calm down?”

The fuzzy edges leave my eyes and I see Jason and Lydia
hovering over me. Lydia is white as a sheet, and panic has consumed Jason.

“Can you move? Can you talk? Fuck, are you all right?”

I reach my hand up and touch his cheek. His fury quiets and
he closes his eyes.

“I’m okay, I’m all right.” I sit up and shake my head. I
feel a bump forming on my skull behind my ear.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I’m sorry Claire, I—”

“
It’s
okay, Lydia. I’m fine I just
got the wind knocked out of me. I’m totally fine.”

As I stand I’m swallowed up in Jason’s arms.

“I’ll leave you guys alone for a minute,” Lydia says.

Jason carries me over to a picnic table. His hands roam my
body, but this time he’s searching for broken bones and bruises, not soft skin.
He slides his fingers through my hair and he finds the bump.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t feel dizzy or nauseated
at all?”

“No. I’m fine, I swear. What happened, anyway?”

“My
drunk
, asshole, immature, idiot
sister started shaking the tree and you lost your grip. You landed on soft
ground, but you must have hit your head on a branch or something.” He grits his
teeth. “I seriously want to fucking kill Lydia right now.”