A Flawed Heart (18 page)

“Well, maybe we can see your dad under better circumstances
when we go into the city next weekend.”

“You still want to go to the city with me?”

“Yes.
Unless you don’t want to?”

“Of course I do.” He sighs.

“Okay.” I can’t stop myself from smiling. I’ve been looking
forward to my birthday, and I haven’t felt that way in years. “What are we going
to do exactly? I hate surprises.”

“Well, we won’t be seeing my dad ‘
cause
he’s been working nights at the hospital, but I’m taking you to a concert, and
that part
is
a surprise. I’m not telling you who we’re seeing. That’s
all you’re going to get out of me.”

“So, how’s your hand?”

“It’s sprained. It fucking hurts. I miss you. I feel like I
haven’t seen you in forever. Can I see you later?”

I start to panic when I think of seeing him. “I have to
work.
But maybe tomorrow?”
I feel terrible refusing
him. I want nothing more than to be in his arms, wrapped in his scent, touching
his skin—but I just need some more time to sort out his behavior and the awful
things Aidan said.

“Work, huh? Yeah, all right. Um…I’ll call you tomorrow?” He
sounds frustrated. I wish he would just ignore me and come over anyway, but it’s
better like this.

“Okay.”

“All right.
So, I’ll talk to you
tomorrow then. I…um, I miss you.”

“I miss you, too. Bye.”

Tomorrow comes and goes, and I don’t call. I decide I need
to think with my head instead of letting my body and my heart guide me.
Distance from Jason is the only thing that makes sense right now.

Three days later I wake to find Kat peeking around my door.
“You want to go grab some coffee?”

“Okay.”

“How are you feeling?” she asks. We’re walking down Bedford
and the street feels less friendly today.

“I don’t know. I mean, Jason’s reputation kind of precedes
him. It’s not like I’ve never been with a guy before, but his past keeps coming
up. It makes me uncomfortable. I knew what I was getting into with him. Lydia
said he was a black sheep—and he is. He’s aggressive, but he’s also really
sweet to me, and I know that a lot of his rage is just misdirected grief.”

“It must be scary.”

“What?”

“Loving someone who’s so unpredictable.”

I stop walking and stare at her.

“Oh, come on, Claire. It’s obvious.”

“Do you think he knows?”

She grins. “Why don’t you just tell him you love him, and
then you’ll find out?”

Kat orders her coffee and a friend of hers waves her over. I’m
fumbling around in my bag when I feel someone tug on my hair. I turn around and
find Ben.

“Hey, long time no see.”

“Hey. How’s it
goin
’?”

“I’m cool. I just came from Jason’s.”

“Oh yeah?
How is he?”

After we get our coffees Ben guides me outside. We sit down
on a bench under a tree. It’s a beautiful day, crisp and breezy, but sunny and
bright.

“He’s not great, but his hand is much better. Why don’t you
go and see him? He wouldn’t want me to tell you this, but he’s seriously
miserable, Claire. He’s been
hittin
’ the scotch
pretty hard. What’s keeping you away from him? Did he scare you? You can talk
to me. I’ll vault it.”

I take a deep breath and light a cigarette. “No, I’m not
scared of him like that.”

“Then what is it?”

“I feel strongly for him, and I don’t want to be another ‘notch
on the bed-post’ or whatever. I want to be with him—just him. I really care
about him and I just wonder if one girl is enough for him.”

“I definitely don’t think you’re a ‘notch’ to him. Listen, I
know that falling for someone can be intense. I fell hard for Alana. It’s scary
to jump into it and put your heart in someone else’s hands. They’ll either
cherish it or crush it…but
not
trying, not risking it, is worse. Do you
really want to run away from this, and never know what might have been? Do you
think you can even do that?”

“I’m not
gonna
lie, I’ve thought
about going back to Savannah. I hate that I’m being so cowardly. I just…I mean
Jason’s so perfect…he could have any girl. Why would he want to be with just
me?”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that. He
has
had any
girl, Claire, but you’re
the
girl. I can see it. I was an only child, so
Jason and Lydia—they’re like my family. I hate to see either of them hurting,
especially when I know the hurt can be taken away. You should just talk to him.
I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you’re making it out to be in your head, trust
me.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll think about it. Thanks, Ben.”

“No doubt.”

He puts his arm around me and kisses my cheek, then slings
his book-bag over his shoulder. “I have to go to work, but I want you to know,
you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to Jason. See you later, kiddo.”

He winks at me and walks away, leaving me with my coffee and
my thoughts. I spend the next three hours at work, suffering the torture of the
stock room where it smells like mothballs and ass. After work, I head back home
and find Lydia watching the end of
Some Kind of Wonderful
.

She looks the way I feel. Her eyes are bloodshot and there
are dark circles under them, but other than that, she looks beautiful, as
always.

“So how are you?” I ask her

“I’m heading over to Jay’s rehearsal space in a bit. I’m
meeting him and Ben there. We’re
gonna
eat pizza and
listen to Jason practice. He’s working on some new stuff and he wants us to
give it a listen. But before I go, I have something for you.”

She reaches into her white leather bag, and pulls out a
small black box wrapped in red ribbon. She thrusts it into my hands and kisses
me on the cheek.

“What’s this?”

“Jason told me it’s your birthday tomorrow. He also told me
you don’t like to celebrate it, so I’ll forgive you for not telling me. He’d
kill me if he knew—he told me not to get you anything.”

“You really shouldn’t have.”

“Well I did, so open it.” She reaches out her hand and
strokes my hair.

I loosen the ribbon and open the box. Inside is a small
bird, etched in gold and painted red. It sits on a delicate gold chain.

“Lydia, you shouldn’t…”

“Don’t even, Claire. You’re my friend and it’s your birthday.
I can’t
not
give you something.
It’s a
Phoenix—a symbol of new beginnings, which seems sort of perfect right about
now.” She takes it from my hand and clasps the necklace around my neck.

“This
is beautiful,” I admit. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. You should come with me to Jason’s studio.”

“Lydia, I—”

“You can’t hide from this forever, Claire. Jason looks like
a ghost—like he did after our mom passed. I can’t see him like this again. Don’t
you miss him?”

“Of course I do.”

“So come with me. It will be a bunch of us, so no pressure
for you guys to talk about anything heavy. It would be good for both of you.”

My heart pounds in my chest with nerves. “Okay, I’ll go.
Just let me change.”

Lydia insists on my wearing gray suede booties with a kitten
heel. They actually look really cute with my jeans and tee. I look at myself in
the mirror.
If a smile is what Lydia
wants to see on Jason’s face, then we’re on the right track.
I clip my
hair up and put on a bit of makeup. Lydia grabs a beer out of the fridge and I
pound down half of it, trying to shake off the nerves.

As we walk over to the studio I find I’m taking deep, shaky
breaths. Lydia grips my hand in hers as we walk, and it calms me. At this
moment, I’m so thankful for Ben and Lydia. They truly have been like brother
and sister to me—something I’ve always wanted to have and now I feel that I
truly do.

Our footsteps echo through the halls of the building. My
heart pounds in my chest as we approach room five sixteen. The door is open,
and I hear Ben’s booming voice and the sound of a guitar being played. As we
get closer I hear Jason sing. His voice sounds hoarse and worn, as if he’s been
singing his heart out for weeks.

We enter the open door. I see Ben and Alana sprawled out on
the sofa. Ben has a notebook in his lap and looks to be breaking up weed to
roll a joint. Jason is sitting on the floor in front of him. His back is to us
as he plays. Alana bobs her head to the music. Jason stops playing and picks up
his Rolling Rock to take a swig.

“Hey guys,” Lydia says as she flops on the couch with them.

I remain in the doorway. I feel awkward and don’t know what
I should do or say. Ben’s head snaps up and he smiles immediately when he sees
me.
“Hey, Claire.”

Jason turns around, obviously surprised. The beer he has
just sipped shoots out of his mouth in a spray and he chokes a bit as he
stands. I watch his shoulders and admire the way his tattooed arms flex as he
rises and turns to face me. His hair is disheveled and his pale gray t-shirt
looks unwashed. The intense physical pull I feel toward him has only
intensified in his absence.

“Claire? What are you doing here?”

He marches toward me, a look of confusion mixed with
happiness on his face. He puts his arms out and then halts a few feet from me.
His eyes move up and down my body, from head to foot. He smiles and takes a
breath. I look at my feet. I can feel how hot my face is—I must be blushing
terribly. The awkwardness persists. Jason’s eyes meet mine and I see the
longing there.

“Ahem…um, I usually kiss my girlfriend when I see her, so
maybe you guys could try that? Just
sayin
’,” Ben
shouts from the sofa.

Alana giggles and punches him in the arm. Jason’s face
widens into a full-blown grin, and I can’t help but return it. I take a step
toward him, closing the gap between us. He reaches up and strokes my cheek with
his fingertips.

“I missed you
so
much,” he whispers.

I reach up and touch the hand that rests against my cheek. “I
missed you too. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I’m sorry I stayed away. I just needed—”

“Don’t apologize. I’m glad you’re here now.” He leans in and
brushes my lips with his. I put my hands on his waist and pull him to me. He
deepens the kiss, and I moan as he slides his hands into my hair. As we kiss
our tongues slide together until I can barely breathe, until I forget where I
am. He pulls away from me and sighs with what I can only assume is relief. I
feel the same. He takes my hand and we walk over to join our friends.

Alana hands me a beer, and Jason and I sit down cross-legged
on the floor. Ben lights the joint and passes it around. The smoke billows and
floats in the soft lamplight. I feel completely content. I still haven’t told
Jason how I feel, but right now, everything is perfect.

We all smoke and talk together for a while. Ben keeps
badgering Jason to play some Metal. Jason throws a fake punch at Ben with a lit
cigarette hanging from his mouth. They start to slap each other and play fight
until Lydia breaks it up.

“Guys, please. Hey, you know what? I want to sing with
Claire. We’ve never sung together. What should we sing?”

I’m stoned, and singing in public is not on my list of
things to do right now. “I don’t know.”

I look to Jason for some reassurance. He takes a long drag
off his cigarette, his brow creased with concentration. “Hold on. I know. You
know
Tegan and Sara
,
right?”

“Oh come on, what fucking girl
doesn’t
know them?”
Ben grumbles and sits back on the couch, throwing his arm around Alana.

“Oh please, Ben, I heard you singing along to a Taylor Swift
song in the kitchen the other day, so lay off the tough guy shit.” Lydia stands
and moves to sit between Jason and me.

She puts her hand on my back and gives me a warm smile. Jason
winks at me, puts out his cigarette, and begins to play. I watch as inked arms
flex, and his fingers nimbly work the strings. Lydia begins to sing.

I smile at how perfect the familiar lyrics are right now,
and she urges me to join her. I listen to her melody and join her with a
harmony. Lydia smiles and nods at me. Jason’s gaze hasn’t left my face since I
began to sing. I lose myself in his eyes and the emotion that rests there and
the intensity between us causes tears to well up in my eyes.
I love him.

Chapter Nine

~Jason~

When Claire sang, the word “love” came out of her mouth, and
I felt a chill run through me. Hearing that word from her, her beautiful voice
carrying so much emotion with it, it all became real to me.
She could love me. We could be together and
hold nothing back. We could be happy.

We hung out in the studio for a few more hours, drinking and
listening to music. Lydia ended up passing out, and Ben and Alana went back to Alana’s
place. Claire and I cuddled and kissed for a while, not really talking, just
enjoying being together. I could sense her getting tired, and she actually shut
her eyes and started to doze in my arms. I couldn’t bring myself to disturb
her, her sweet face showed so much peace. I let my eyes drift closed as I lay
beside her.

“Fuck. My neck! Jason, Claire—
wake
up.”

I hear Lydia calling to me, but I’m so comfortable, I don’t
want to move. I open my eyes and see my sister standing and stretching near the
piano. Then I look down at the angel in my arms. Her face is pressed to my
chest, her hair covering my upper body like a blanket. She begins to stir and
sit up. Her right cheek bears the impression of the fabric of my shirt, and her
mascara is smudged under her eyes.