A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (9 page)

“Burbity, I am not happy about my suspension, as it were. I will use my superior intellect to frame mind over matter. It’s just a matter of thinking outside the container. Yes, harumph. To calm myself, I will just close my eyes and count to ten.”

“Hey, that just might work, y’all. Let’s all close our eyes and proceed while holding hands. I betcha this spell is sight related. If we keep our eyes closed and trust to our other sense, maybe we can all get our perspectives worked out.”

“Verily, halflet, this plan may have merit. Everyone link hands and close your eyes. Halflet...”

“Ach, Ichabod is a dwarf and ye will address him as so!”

“He art a halflet to me, dwarf.”

“Hey, that’s okay, Mr. Strongenfight, sir. I don’t mind. Actually, it is almost better than being called a dwarf...”

“
What
did you say!?!”

“Eep! I mean, oops! I mean, what I meant to say was, neither of them bother me. Oops, I mean, it sure is an honour to be a dwarf, sir!”

“Burbity, finally, that Temperance did something right. He took a correct turn and I am back on solid ground.”

“Verily, so do I feel the good solid rock of our path safely as it ought. Let us again open our eyes.”

“Good show, I say, hear, hear! We all share a common ground, as it were, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am. I reckon we’ll just mosey down this passage here, y’all.”

“Ee-ew. I say, one detects an odour in the air, eh hem? Yes, quite, bad show.”

“Burbity bleck. Does that foul stench belong to you, Temperance? If you needed to stop, you should have said so.”

“Verily, silence thy tongue, SternMorgan. The smell is not that of the halflet, but that of a subterranean inhabitant. I fear that we move through the territories of alien creatures.”

“Ach, once again, we move through a large cavern. I shall stand by my fellow dwarf, Ichabod, in the front. The elf and human Persephone shall be next. Human JayPee shall be our rear guard.”

“Harumph. That’s rather familiar for my tastes, dwarf. Nevertheless, I shall assume this all important position. Give me your shield, Plumtartt girl.”

“I beg your pardon, sir? I have bourne this heavy shield for my own use, not yours.”

“Burbity, you have served as my shield bearer, you foolish woman. I now confiscate the thing, now that I need it.”

“Oh! I say, very well, then!”

“Shh! I think I heard something moving around out there, y’all.”

“Ach, aye, and I hears clicking, too.”

“Burbity. Let’s be clear. You hear ‘clicking’ and not ‘chittering’, correct?”

“Aye.”

“I say, one detects a dim sparkle of emerald light. Yes, quite, I do believe my lantern’s illumination revealed a brief reflection off of a reflective surface, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, I done seen it too and it looks like it is coming this way!”

“Eep! It’s a giant bug! Do something, Temperance, I’m too important to be insect food!”

“My word, what a glorious specimen of
scarabinicus pin’chi-otis.
Its distinctive vertical pincers are a striking feature, don’t you think, eh hem? I say, this gentleman is an Entomologist’s dream, is he not? What fantastic colours reflect from your hardened green wings, my beauty.”

“Actually, I would have thought his most unusual characteristic feature would be his eighty pound size, Ma’am.”

“Burbity, or his ferocious nature, eh what? Don’t just stand there gawking, someone come save me!”

~KHUNHG!!!~

“Aye, with me battle axe strike, coonsider ye’self saved, laddie.”

“Verily, Dwarf Strongenfight, thou livest up to thy name. Thy mighty blow hath split yon scarab a’twain.”

“Oh dear, I was very nearly soiled by an errant spray of phosphorescent goo, eh hem?”

“Let’s hurry on through this big ol’ chamber before we run into any more beatles.”

“’Beetles,’ if you please, Mr. Temperance. ‘Beatles’ refers to another beast entirely.”

“Yes, Ma’am. Uh, oh, I think I hear more scuttling and clicking, y’all.”

“Ach, once again, we are caught out! Elf wizard, do ye have a spell that can rid us of these pests?”

“Nae, dwarf, this battle will be yours. I do not think the swords of myself, Persephone, or SternMorgan are capable of penetrating the hardened shells of the monsters. I doubt the halflet has the making of a true warrior under these circumstances.”

“Well, I am a dwarf bred faer battle! I shall show ye all a thing aer two o’ making war. Come here, me pretty boogs, I always dreamed of dying a glorious death in overwhelming combats!”

“Oh my Goodness, just look at Mr. Strongenfight go! He is hurling himself into battle with reckless abandon! What an inspiration! I wish I was a powerful dwarf warrior like him. Wuh, wuh, wuh, w-w-w-woah! What is happening? The head of my magic pick is staring to glow with a low bluish light. The runes carved in the handle are glowing brightly under my grip. Aye, I bae feeling the strength o’ dwarves goone bae in ancient times, coorsing though mae veins, y’ooll. Ach, bae o’ stroong heart, me dwarven broother, Dwarf Ichabood bae on thae attack!”

“My word, what has gotten into Mr. Temperance? He charges the beetle army in a flurry of blue pick fury, eh hem?”

“Verily, the halflet has been taken by the spirit of a dwarven warrior! The halflet fights with the strength of a dwarf! That pick is the perfect pick for puncturing those pincher-prowed parasites. This battle-pick was carried by the Mad Dwarf of the North Plain Battle. In the Great Wars of old, there was an especially battle-mad dwarf. A wild and fearsome Chieftain-King, Monger IronEater. Ever eager for combat, he would immerse himself in battle-lust, engorging himself with berserker fury. The halflet is possessed by the ghost of the Mad, Chieftain Battle Dwarf, Monger IronEater!”

“Burbity. Those two are making short work of those Labrador sized monsters. Blast it, now even more swarms of the creatures are pouring upon us! No slacking about you dwarves; exterminate with extreme prejudice!”

“I say, our good Dwarf Strongenfight has abandoned his shield, to wield his axe in a two-handed manner. Good thing, that, as he now enjoys a backhanded stroke in his deadly repertoire, much like our Mr. Temperance, eh hem?”

“This is so, maid Persephone, but verily, the scarab army now encircles us, forcing us to defend ourselves. Prepare for melee combats, humans.”

“Perhaps a brisk opening and closing of my parasol will shoo the creatures away? Shoo, hoo! Shoo, shoo! Oh drat, this effort is met with limited success, I say, my word. Our swords are useless as slashing weapons. Discipline, gentlemen. I command that all parties cease all their useless slashes. Rather, let us pointedly stick to poking!
At
you! At
you!
At you, and you;
and you and you and you!”

“Verily, thou art a born general, my Persephone, but we are still being run aground.”

“Then let us make an adjustment, my good elf. Mr. Morganstern, follow Anguson’s example and drop your shield; it is serving no purpose in this fight. Good, now then, take my elf dagger, which is very nearly the size of a cavalry sabre, and fight with a weapon in each hand. Very good. I will relieve our Legolamb of his staff that he might use Julienne in a two handed repose. I will apply my knowledge of Auriental Martial Arts to use both ends of my newly acquired staff thusly: Wah, hai-ee-yaw! Yes, quite, and the same goes for you, and you, and you, my pinchy pussed emerald paramour, eh hem?”

“Ach, and howdy to you, Mr. Scarabmonger, saer. I moost place me boot tae yaer emerald skool fae bracing as I remoove me peeck where t’is buried so deep in y’all’s head, aye.”

“Oh, jolly good, the tide of battle turns in our favour! We have bested our foes in combat! Good show, my friends, my, er, Mr. Temperance? Mr. Temperance? Yoo, hoo, come back, Mr. Temperance! I say, we have won the day, such as it is, sir. There is no need to go chasing after the retreating beetles.”

“Ach, come along, we must follow where King IronEater leads us.”

“I say, Mr. Temperance is headed toward an elevated position from whence an eerie green light emanates. Galloping Green Toads, it’s an enormous mother beetle. The monstrosity rears up and gives an unMiddle o’ Earthhian scream before an excited series of mandible clicks sends the frightful penultimate parapest in pursuit of my own personal protagonist.”

“Harumph. That bug is the size of a London double decker steam carriage bus. He’ll be squashed like a bug by that bug.”

“Verily, a fearless dwarf warrior has a hold on that boy. Just as they collide in battle, the halflet rolls aside, using his pick to assault a beetle leg as he does.”

“Oh dear, a lobster claw extension has snatched up my precious Ichabod. The fiend’s many overlapping mandible pincers slather in delight! He is being thrust into the monster’s gaping maw!”

“Ach, greetings from King Monger IronEater and Ichabod Temperance, me groady, groady, grotesque sweetheart!”

~KAH-TOING-uh-KRACK!!!~

“Burbity! Great Scott, what a strike! Even as he was about to be eaten, the boy cracked that exo-skulled monster’s head in half! Though it flips and flops about the cavern in its excited death throes, there is no doubt that the little dwarf, I mean human, has struck a decisive and fatal blow to the ugly brute. Harumph! I might not fire that boy after all.”

“Hunh? What has happened, y’all?”

“Why, Mr. Temperance, do you mean to say that you don’t remember? You have shown yourself to be a mighty, dwarven warrior, sir.”

“I have?”

“Aye, Icksy. Ye are truly a dwarf, my friend.”

“Is this true, Miss Plumtartt?”

“Ehhh, in a manner of speaking, yes, Mr. Temperance.”

“Harumph. I always thought there was something not quite right about that boy.”

“Verily, though he was indeed taken in spirit by a mad, dwarven king, he is still but a halflet to me.”

“Looky at that poor old beetle, y’all. She has quit twitching, and now quickly melts away, dissolving into a yucky puddle, just leaving the armoured carapace behind. Hey, looky there again, y’all, there is a faint pink glow coming from inside the monster.”

“Halflet, get in there and retrieve what gives off that magic light.”

“Yessir, Mr. Legolamb, sir. Oh my Goodness, wait till y’all see what I’ve got. Look here, y’all, ain’t that just about the purtiest thing you ever did see?”

“I say, that is an incredible crystal you carry, Mr. Temperance. May I see it?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“I say, what an incredible jewel. It is nearly a foot in length. Pointed at either end, it is wider toward one end than the other and glows with a soft pink light. It is like a small scepter, in shape, eh hem?”

“Odd’s Bodkins, it can’t be! Verily, this is impossible! No, I am seeing it with my own eyes. I know this sacred shard. This gem was almost the ruin of our world. This is the object that brought on the Age of Plagues. It has not been seen in two full Ages. I may be the last living entity upon Middle o’ Earthhe, that has ever laid eyes on it. Persephone, you hold the
‘Shard of Essence’
.”

“Ach, the
‘Shard of Essence’
! How did the cursed thing get down here?”

“T’is a mystery, Dwarf Strongenfight.”

“How extraordinary. Indeed, it does have a tingle about it. Quite so, for now I feel as if the floor is quaking beneath my feet.”

“Gosh, y’all, the floor
is
quaking beneath our feet. Let’s get out of here!”

“Burbity, this shaking ground is difficult to cross, eh what? What’s this, falling stalagmites from a distant ceiling?”

“Nossir, stalagmites grow from the floor. Stalactites grow from, and in this case, fall, from the ceiling.”

“Blast it, Temperance, shut up and get me out of here!”

“Yessir, Mr. Morganstern, sir. Run this way, y’all!”

“Verily, once more, the halflet has found an exit from this large chamber.”

“Ach, but now we enter an even bigger chamber! This one is as huge and wide as the last, but it has no ceiling and no floor. We must cling to the wall of this foreboding precipice. Hurry, for the titanic shaking of our surroundings continues!”

“This precipice was carved, y’all. We are still on the proper path! Hurry down these crumbley stone steps, everybody; I don’t think we have much time!”

“Mr. Temperance, I see a structure up ahead stretching out across this interminable gulf. It is an arched bridge, my friends. This must be the way out of this calamitous cavern.”

“Harumph. That long, slender bridge doesn’t look safe to me. Send the Temperance boy across first, to make sure it’s safe.”

“I say, there is no time for that, Mr. Morganstern. Let us all fly across this stony segue to sanctuary, eh hem?”

“Golly, we are all running and running, but it is still a long way across. Hunh? Do y’all notice an updraft? Do y’all detect an unidentifiable smell that is accompanying it? If I didn’t know better, I’d say that something inconceivably large were coming up out of this bottomless crevasse that we are desperately running across, what do you think? I’m gonna take me a quick peek over the edge, just to satisfy my curiosity. Well, what do you know, I was right! Way down deep, I can just barely make out a faint, pale glow in the distant depths. Hunh, I think it is getting brighter and bigger. No, it just appears that way because it is getting closer. Oh my Goodness, maybe we should keep running, y’all.”