A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (13 page)

~ “EEEEEEEEEEK!”~

~ “EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”~

~ “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”~

“Oh, I don’t like all that screeching, y’all! I can face down some terrible critters, but that there tortured wail is more than I can stand!”

“Ach, steady, Icksy. Be a big brave dwarf for your Uncle Anguson, now, boy. What are we dealing with here, Legolamb?”

“Verily, mine is not first hand knowledge, but my guess would be that we are about to meet the screaming banshees of this swamp.”

“Eek! There’s an impossibly black figure trudging toward us. There are some more of them! Oh, there is a solid mist rising up out of the water, forming a rambling wreck of a figure that is now shambling towards us.”

~ “EEEEEEEEEEK!”~

~ “EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”~

~ “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”~

Dwarf of Brawn

Elf so Sweet.

Gobbled up Gone.

Magical Meat.

Flesh Unknown,

With Halflet Souls.

Your Fates are Sown,

In our Shallow Shoals.

“Golly, gee, whiz, no! Please don’t eat me! I’m a good boy, y’all, ghosties! Please don’t gobble me up all gone!”

“Ach, do something, wizard!”

“Verily, I have no applicable spells! We are lost!”

You Belong to Us,

No One can Save.

Growing our Fungus,

Live our Watery Grave.

The next scream you Hear,

Belongs to You.

So begins your Career,

In our Death Bayou.

“Oh, golly!”

“Ach!”

“Verily!”

“Harumph! Enough of this blasted nonsense. I demand action. I’ve dealt with this sort of thing before. The thing is, you see, you must play your hand carefully. Why, these banshee wraiths are but so many heathen savages. Let me show you how J.P. Morganstern handles uppity rabble! That’s right, you broken down ghosts, you heard me correctly. J.P. Morganstern.
The
J.P. Morganstern. What’s all this about an unauthorized work stoppage? I do not recognize this body as a legal union! You have no authority to stop this boat! This picket is an illegal supernatural strike! You think that you would force us to halt production on our journey? Inconceivable! We have at our disposal, the ability to deal with monsters as you. Behold our own portable Hades! We bear our own furnace for your destruction! Harumph. Our black smoke is more poisonous than any miasma you could produce! Our boilers contain the remains of our past corporeal conquests. Their essence seeps in white mists. I demand that you clear a path for us forthwith. Hesitant to obey my commands, eh? Temperance, give them a blast from our Horn of Eternal Torment!”

“Hunh?”

“Burbity! Don’t you confound me, boy! Blast you Temperance, sound your Horn of Eternal Torment before I throw you overboard!”

“Eep! Yessir! Here goes the steam whistle.”

“Horn of Eternal Torment!”

“Eep! Yessir!”

~Toot! ~  ~Toot!~

“Ach, the Horn makes our hosts nervous, aye.”

“Burbity! Blast you, Temperance, what is your infernal malfunction? Blast it, blast that blasted whistle, I mean, Horn of Eternal Torment, you blasted idiot!”

“Yessir!”

~
TOOT.
TOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!~

“Verily, the vines withdraw and a path opens before us! Hurry, Halflet, take us away!”

“Yessir!”

~WHUP!~

~WHUP!~

~WHUP!~
BUH
-WHIRRRRRR!!!~

~HUHHHH-WHOOOOOOSHHHH!!!~

Glimmer and shine,

glamour and wonder,

a world that is happy and airy.

Drunk not on wine,

but on Enchantments asunder,

beware the tricks of the Faeries.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

~WHUP!~

    ~WHUP.~

       ~whup-uh.~

          
~tssssssss.~

“Golly, we done run out the last of our fuel and pressure, y’all.”

“Ach, but note how our gloomy surroundings have grown more light. I thinks we are across the swamp. Come now, lads, we can paddle and pole ourselves across from here.”

“Burbity. You certainly do not expect me to paddle this silly boat, do you?”

“It’s completely up to you, JayPee, but remember, t’is not too late to chuck you overboard, laddie.”

“Haru... Oh, I see. Oh very well, pass me an oar, Temperance!”

“Yessir, Mr. Morganstern sir.”

“The mists are clearing. Verily, I see a wooded shoreline ahead. Let us turn our course Southward and hug the shoreline for as long as possible.”

“Hunh? Nossir, Mr. Legolamb, sir, we gotta keep pushing straight ahead, due East!”

“No, halflet, these lands are too perilous. This is a place of madness. We will never make it through these cursed woods. Heed my words, my friends. We must go around this land.”

“But that mean old dragon’s lair is straight across this land! We ain’t got time to go the long way, sir!”

“Verily, I say to you, halflet, we must go around! If you wish to rescue your damsel, we go around! Do not contradict me, boy.”

“Nossir! I hate to be rude, sir, but I am headed straight for Miss Plumtartt. If you all want to go the safe way, you can, but me, I’m on a course due East.”

“Ach, I’m with ye, dwarf Ichs of the Bod. What of you, Jaypee?”

“Burbity. A detour at this juncture is altogether nonsensical. Besides, these charming forests don’t appear to hide any dangers.”

“Verily, that is where the danger lies, you fool! These lands will charm and perplex us all!”

“Sorry Mr. Legolamb, sir, but you are outvoted. Are you coming with us or not?”

“Ach, can ye not cast a spell that will protect us from enchantment, elf wizard Legolamb?”

“Verily, these creatures gain their power from the same source as I. As they, I draw my power from the element of air. As such, my spells have no power in this realm, yet the inhabitants wield much. I beg thee; do not make this march.”

“Nossir. We are now firmly ashore. Are you with us or not, Mr. Legolamb?”

“Very well, I wish to maintain my association with this intrepid band, but I warn thee all. Let not thy minds fall into enchantment!”

“Come on, y’all, we’re headed this-a-ways.”

“Harumph. I don’t see where your misgivings lie, Legolamb. These are nicer surroundings than that awful bog we just escaped, eh what?”

“Verily, I suppose you’re right, SternMorgan. It is good to walk with the warm, bright sun above, aye.”

“Golly, I like it here, y’all! The dappled sunshine filtering through the trees is so purty!”

“Ach, I’m glad that you are at ease, Legolamb, but I remind you to heed your own advice: be wary.”

“Burbity! Don’t be so glum, you silly dwarf. Ha, ha! Do you not hear the birds singing? Do you not enjoy the play of butterflies about us? Ha, ha, even a curmudgeonly old fart like me can enjoy a day like today! Burbity, burbity, burb, burb, buh-burb!”

“Hee, hee! Lah-di-dah, dee-dah-dee-day. Come on, you slow pokes, these wide, open meadows are just perfect for frolicking, y’all!”

“Ho, ho! Verily, halflet, but I like the trees! Trees, trees, trees! Are they not glorious? Ho, ho, my friends, hodily-hoe!”

“Ach, dinnae wander about so much, lads. Let’s try to maintain a tighter formation, eh?”

“Oh, burb, burb, burb, what an officious little dwarf you are, burb, burb, burb. Oh, look here, my good friends, these butterflies are all aglow. Hellooooo, little butterflies! Helloooooo. Hah! Burbity!”

Helloooo, helloooo,

hello, hello, hello!

What an unexpected surprise to see,

a creature of man, named J.P.!

“Burbity! Ho, ho! Did you gentlemen hear that? Three delightful, tiny little winged-ladies flitter about me singing a  funny song! They know my name! Ho, ho! That’s right, my name is J.P. Morganstern, what is yours?”

My name is Twinkle!

My name is Finkle!

My name is Clinkle-Belle!

We’re so happy to meet you!

We’re so happy to greet you!

Welcome to the place you will forever dwell!

“Burbity! Wonderful! Aren’t you barefoot, scantily clad, butterfly-winged girls a perfect delight! Ho, ho!”

“Hee, hee! Hey, looky here, y’all, I got me a trio of cutie-pie tiny girls with wings flying around me, too! Howdy ladies, I like them whispy bits of nothingness slips you all got on. My name is Ichabod Temperance, what’s yours?”

Howdily, howdily, howdily-who,

Little Icky says howdy, so we will too!

For the boy that says howdy,

we are anything but dowdy,

A wicked surprise waits for you!

My name is Tweeter!

My name is Tweeker!

My name is Tweedle-Lou!

Join us in play!

Hip, hip, hooray!

It’s the last thing that you’ll ever do!

“Ach, Dwarf Icksy and Human Jaypee are falling under a spell! Do something, wizard!”

“Ho, ho! My funny little dwarf friend! You worry too much! You’re just jealous because you do not find yourself encircled by adorable little woodland nymphs! Ho, ho, sweet children, aren’t you all beautiful? Ho, ho! Of course you are! My name is Legolamb of the High Council, but you girls may call me anything you like.”

‘Anything You Like’?

That’s a funny name!

When you were a tyke,

Did you play a funny game?

My name is Glitter!

My name is Flitter!

My name is Shimmy-Shine!

Your elvish soul we desire,

let it be cleansed by our fire,

We’ll enjoy this rare treat to dine!

“Ach! What are you saying, my mates? Ye are all falling under the spell of these wee vixens. Snap out of it!”

“Doodily, doodily, didily, aie. Ah, don’t you worry none there, Mr. Strongenfight. I know I ain’t got no worries! We’re on our way to save Miss Plumtartt, save Miss Plumtartt, save Miss Plumtartt. We’re on our way to save Miss Plumtartt, doodily, doodily, aie!”

“Ach, Ichs of the Bod! Stop that undignified skipping and frolicking at once!
Dwarves do not skip!”

“Harumph. Why can’t you silly fellows be more like these fetching faeries, eh? Burbity, they put me quite at ease. Yes, indubitably. Harumph.”

“Oh, but I want to get back to the trees! Verily, there is nothing quite as magnificent as a tree. Yes, verily.”

“Trah, lah, lah-di-dah. Skippity-skippity-skip! Lovely meadows, lovely grass! Lah, di-dah-di-dah!”

Harken to me, sisters o’ mine,

Rally to your sister, Shimmy-Shine.

This one resists us, Glitter and Flitter,

Even with our flouncy hems all a flutter.

His friends are a gullible and pliable flock.

I wish we had, a deep water dock.

This uncooperative warrior would walk off the wharf,

And supply us the end of this troublesome dwarf.

Tweeter, Tweeker and Tweedle-Lou hear my yell.

Dispatch this creature, Twinkle, Finkle, and Clinkle-Belle!

“Ach, Ye wee little lassies are making me angry. Quit ye’re flying about me!”

How does this creature resist our enchantment?

None may survive a Faeryland encampment!

“Ach, ye’re Faery magics have no effect on me, lassies. I am a magic creature born of the Earthhe elements. I am immune from ye’re charms.”

Curse you, dwarf,

with face so fell.

Your friends aren’t so lucky,

They are deep in our spell!

“Ach, I’ll chop ye intae tiny bitsies with me mighty battle axe!”

~Shwish! Swoop! Schwing!~

“Ach, hold still, you adorable devils! I cannae chop ye to bitsies when you flutter out of reach!”

Skipsy, skipsy, skipity-ai,

Follow us Icksy, with your eye.

Skipsy, skipsy, frolic and play,

Skipsy, dipsy, diddle-aye-aei.

“Whee! Y’all are so cute the way you take turns flying in front of me and then quickly twitching your rear ends, leaving a brief trail of sparkly faery dust. Skipsy, dipsy, diddle-aye dum, all I see is Faery bum.”

“Eek! I mean, ach! Icksy, looks out! Ye are going to run right over a cliff and plunge to ye’re death!”

“Lah, di-dah, di-dah, di-dah.”

“Icksy, stop! Me dwarvish legs cannae run as fast as ye skip!”

“Skipsy, dipsy, wipsy, do.”

“Ichabod, ye are in mortal danger!”

“Lah, lah, lahdidah.”

“Stop! Ye are about to go over the edge!”

“Lah, didah, didah.”

“Icksy!”

“Lah, didah, did-aaaahhhhhhh.”

“Naaaaaeeeeee, unh! Got ye’s. I was just barely able to nip ye by the toe, but I got ye’s. Be calm, dwarf Ichs of the Bod, I will haul ye back up from were ye dangle upside down over a thousand foot cliff.”

“Lah, didah, didah.”

“Ach! Come back here! Don’t ye try skipping away again. So be it. I will haul ye by the back of your belt as we go and collect JayPee and the elf.”

“Lah, didah.”

“Ach, where have those two slipped to?”

“Sno-o-o-o-o-o-re, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi. Burbity. Sno-o-o-o-o-o-re, mi, mi, mi, mi. Haraumph. Sno-o-o-o...”

“Wake up, ye sleepy industrialist, this is no time faer napping!”

“Lah, didah.”

“Icky, quit trying to skip away! I can’t hold onto ye and wake up Jaypee at the same time! Ach, where has the elf got off to?”

“Tree, oh, lovely tree, verily, thou art more magnificent than any creature upon Middle o’ Earthhe’s sun-kissed face.”

“Ach, I hear the wizard, but I cannae see him. His voice seems to come from above... Ach, there you are, Legolamb! What are you doing, way up in that tree? Quit hugging and smooching that tree and get back down here!”

“Ohhhh, tree. Mmmm.”

“Lah, didah.”

“Sno-o-o-o-ore...”

“Ach, this is maddening! I will tie a rope to the back of Icksy’s belt. The other end I will tie to this tree. His leash is short enough that he won’t be able to get so far he can hurt himself. Now the dippy boy is skipping in circles around his tree. Aye, that did not take long for him to wind himself into a position with zero leash left.”

“Lah, didah.”

“Sno-o-o-o-ore...”

“Legolamb, get down out of that tree!”

“Mmm, tree.”

“Ach, By Me Mother’s Braided Beard, dinnae make me climb up after you!”

“Mmm.”

“Ach, very well, if I must, I moost. Couldn’t ye find a lower branch to sit on while ye hug and canoodle with ye’re piney friend?”

“Mmm.”

“Ach! Let go of the trunk!”

“No! I like it up here! Leave me alone! Mmm. Tree...”

“Let go, ye amorous wizard! Ye’re getting out of this tree!”

“No!”

“Aye!”

“Leave me alone! I love my tree!”

“Nae, ye’re coming with us!”

“No! I don’t want to stop hugging my tree!”

“I will peel your grasping fingers from their bark clutching efforts, and drag ye down!”

“No, I want to stay up here!”

“Quit struggling, Legolamb, ye’re going to make us fa-a-a-a-alll,,,
Unh!
”

“Oh, tree.”

“Ach, no ye don’t! We just fell out of that tree.”

“Lah, didah.”

“Sno-o-o-o-ore...”

“Treeeee....”

“Ach, what am I to do with ye?”

Your cause is lost,

your friends you’ll bereave.

Our prisoners will stay,

and you will leave.

Your will is strong,

Dwarf Strongenfight,

not so for your throng,

they remain our delight.