A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (17 page)

“He was lying in ambush! I will slay the traitorous beast!”

“Nonsense, you old fool, he was doing no such thing. We startled the poor dear and scared him away.”

“Hah! Then he’s useless to us! Good riddance. Let us be on our way.”

“Leatherfitz von Stratusbourne, don’t you dare leave. We will speak to this great dragon. Baron Reginald Brimstone! We wish to speak with you! Reggie, it’s me, your old flame, Josie. I am a friend; please come and speak with us.”

“I’ll go in and drag him out!”

“Oh, Lee, behave yourself.”

“There he is, y’all, he is just barely peeking up over the surface of the water.”

“Brimstone! You sex-addled maniac! Crawl up out of that pond. Try to behave with an ounce of nobility, you scoundrel. Lady Josephine Longbellye is present!”

“Lee, be quiet! Oh Reginald, my sweet, come up from the water, my dear; you have nothing to fear from us.”

“Tell that to Lord von Stratusbourne! Look at him, he is as insane as ever.”

“
Insane!
Why I’m the sanest dragon that ever
lived!
I shall rend thee to ribbons! By thunder, I’ll show you how sane I am!”

“Leatherfitz, no! Behave yourself!”

“Mmm. Very well.”

“Come now, Reggie, come up from the water.”

“No, m’Lady, no! I do not want you to see what I have become. Please forget that you saw me. Remember me as I was in our youth. Look away, m’Lady, I cannot stand to have your beauty look upon my sad ugliness. Goodbye, Lady Josephine.”

“Reggie, no, we need you! Middle o’ Earthhe needs you! The Age of Darkness has fallen and it can’t get up without your help!”

“I am sorry, m’Lady, I cannot help you. Go now, please, for it pains me to look upon your magnificence.”

“No, I will not leave! Reginald Brimstone, Middle o’ Earthhe needs you. I need you. Your Lady Longbellye commands you! Come up out of that pond!”

~huh-sigh.~
“As you command, m’Lady.”

“Oh, Reggie, oh Reggie, oh dear me, Reggie, you poor thing. You have swollen to a huge size, my dear!”

“Bah! I knew it! Useless. Look at this great, blue, bloated lizard. He cannot even drag his obese carcass clear of the water!”

“I’m sorry, Josie. I wanted to spare you this sight. I am so bloated, that I depend on the water to support my mass. I cannot even help myself. I wish that I could be of service to you, m’Lady, honestly I do, but as you can see, my body is a pitiful wreck.”

“Reggie, dear Reggie, you were once one of the most handsome of dragons! I would thrill to see your sleek form race across the skies! Your distinctive, bright red scales and rippling physique were enough to make any dragon girl molt her panties. What has happened?”

“I am a casualty of the Great Wars, dear girl. On the Northern Plains, when the
Shard
was discharged, instigating the North Ocean Cataclysm, I caught a boulder in the mouth. It broke my ignition incisor. I made it back to the Dragon’s Maw, but I never recovered from my injuries.”

“Sorry, about that, Brimstone, old boy, I had no idea.”

“Of course, m’Lord, how could you? Anyway, I began taking on liquid methane. My regulating pituitary glands were unable to compensate. I have slowly grown more grotesque over the passing Ages. My former beauty makes my current and disgusting state all the more unbearable.”

“Oh Reggie my sweet, I am so sorry.”

“My apologies, Baron Brimstone. We will leave you in peace.”

“Please, just go.”

“Oh, Mr. Temperance, that poor, sad, old dragon. I say, I think I can see a bit of that old fiery fellow deep within the encompassing folds.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” ~
sniff.
~

“Ach, it breaks me heart to see this proud fellow laid low, aye.”

“Burbity. I told you all this was just a waste of time. Harumph. It stinks around here; somebody strike a match.”

“Whoa! Don’t do that! That method dispels odours in certain circumstances, but it does not apply here. Mr. Baron Brimstone could go off like a natural gas spigot.”

“Oddly, a flame rarely causes an ignition. My central incisor had a sparking joint. I have been unable to induce emissions since the war.”

“I say, Mr. Temperance, could you not help our noble friend in need, eh hem?”

“Heck yeah! Oops! I beg your pardon, I mean, yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am! Excuse me, Mr. Baron Brimstone, sir, if I could construct a sparking device and artificial tooth, do you think you could regain your abilities?”

“Is this creature serious? Can this halflet really build such a thing?”

“Yes, Reggie, why, just look at this fashionable and functional eye wear he has constructed for me. He is as skilled as the greatest dwarves of yesteryear. I can see for the first time in an Age! I can fly again because of it! For the first time since the Plagues, I feel like Nobility!”

“So too, it is with myself, Brimstone. My heart was stopped and I had passed. However, this halflet quickly cobbled a cunning device to give me a second chance at life. I wear a device of his construction that regulates the pace of my heartbeats. I tried to break the prophecies of old and it cost me my life. I now see the foolishness of my ways. Now that the Age of Darkness has come to pass with the Dark One being delivered his
Shard,
I now intend to go ahead and initiate the rest of the prophecy. We shall instigate the Second Battle of the North Plains.”

“But what of the prophesied second catastrophe? The Age of Darkness will be marked by North Ocean Cataclysm!”

“Why prolong it? I say we play our part in history now!”

“Lord von Stratusbourne, if I may, Leatherfitz, I would be honoured to fight by your side, but my body has betrayed me. If this halflet is able to build this thing, I cannot promise that I will be able to heal fast enough to be of any service.”

“Nonsense, Reggie, your Josie has just what you need. ‘Elixir of the Crown’. Now drink this healing potion, my poor dear.”

~gulp.~
“Yes, it does have a magical element, doesn’t it? By Jove, I am filled with a sense of well-being. Tell me, how long will it take this halflet creature to build a device to suit my needs?”

“I have no idea, Reggie, let me ask my friend. Persephone, tell me dear, what sort of workshops will be needed to construct this device? There is a Satyr village not far from here. Perhaps they would have the appropriate facilities. If they do, how long will it take your halflet to build this artifact?”

“Yoo, hoo, Mr. Temperance? I see that you are absorbed in a project, but our Winged Nobility would like an estimate on how long these preparations are projected to take.”

“Oh, just a round figure, mind you.”

“Of course, Josie darling; Mr. Temperance?”

“Hunh?”

“How long until you expect to have a working device for our long-suffering Baron Reginald Brimstone?”

“I’m ready, Miss Plumtartt.”

“Explain yourself.”

“Oh, I already had a pretty good sparker. I’ve just been running out my wire to see if I had enough to reach from the Baron’s mouth to his claw. Thanks to Mr. Strongenfight’s willingness to bear plenty of supplies, we have plenty of conducting wire!”

“How does one come to be in possession of ‘a pretty good sparker’, eh hem?”

“Oh, that’s because of my handy dandy random task device, Ma’am. It is a high speed, dynamo-driven engine! It is powered by electricity, like Mr. Lord Stratusbourne’s pulsemaker, but it uses a lot more juice. It can spin a drill, or a saw blade, or as in this case, I will use my grinder attachment.”

“What will this do, Mr. Temperance?”

“Well, when I hold it against your dwarven shield, and then click this switch...”

~PRRRZZZZZSSSS!!!~

“Tickle My Fancy! Mr. Temperance, that is indeed an effective sparking device, sir!”

“Blast it, Temperance, how am I to make any money if you build and deliver these products before I can even write out an invoice? Your incompetence never ceases to infuriate me boy!”

“Eep! I’m sorry, sir, I wasn’t thinking!”

“Harumph.”

“I’m sorry, Miss Plumtartt; I accidentally took your dwarf shield without asking. Mr. Strongenfight is more attached to his, and I didn’t want to interrupt y’all while you were talking.”

“Think nothing of it, sir, I happily make its donation.”

“Halflet, you have a way that I can engage this sparking artifact?”

“Yessir, the triggering switch fits in your claw.”

“Very good, now then, attach the sparking device to my ig-cisor, halflet.”

“Yessir. Um, your mouth is bigger than most houses I’ve been in. You promise not to gobble me up gone?”

“One promises.”

“Okay, Anguson, you run out the wire and set up the Baron with his claw switch while I attach the sparker and tooth shield.”

“Aye, I’m already ready already, Icksy.”

“Yessir, me too. The solenoid is charged up and everything is set. Okay, um, we’re all going to step back, while you make your trial run. Good luck, Mr. Baron Brimstone, sir, I hope you don’t get all blown up.”

“My friends, I am trembling. I have not breathed fire since the ancient catastrophes. I never thought I would live to see the Second Great Wars. I am overcome with emotion. All right, I am prepared to attempt ignition. Let me see, what was my catch-phrase? Oh yes,
‘Fire in the Hole’!”

~PRRRZZZZZSSSS!!!~

~HWAUERRRHRH!!!~

“Ach! That roaring breath of fire is singing me beard and I’m a hundred paces away!”

~HWAUERRRHRH!!!~

“Burbity! Blast it, Temperance, if I had tapped that natural gas mine I could have made a fortune! Now it is all being released for nothing!”

~HWAUERRRHRH!!!~

“I say, this fire-breathing dragon appears less pudgy. Yes, quite so, he is steadily becoming less bloated!”

“Yes, Ma’am, and he looks less blue, too. My Goodness, I think he is turning purple! No, that is just a transitional colour. Now he is glowing red! Oh my Goodness, look at him! Right before our eyes, he has transformed from bloated and blue, to sleek and red!”

~HWAUERRRHRH!!!~

~belch.~
“Marvelous! How extraordinary! I feel as if I could fight an army!”

“Good, because that’s what we have to do. Actually, we may need to battle several armies.”

“Splendid, Fitzy, for I spoil for a fight.”

“Call me Fitzy again and I will accommodate you. Persephone may call me that, but not you, Brimstone.”

“Ha, ha, fine, Lord von Stratusbourne, don’t get your scales in a rough.”

“Oh Reggie my darling, you are absolutely dashing, my pet! What did we call you, way back then? Oh yes, ‘The Crimson Avenger’!”

“Bah, I called him the Scarlett Pimp From Hell.”

“I never cared for the braggadocio titles associated with me. To tell the truth, I was happiest with the simple title of, ‘The Red Baron’. Now then, to battle. What enemies do we face?”

“I did battle with three young bucks.”

“Lord Stratusbourne, what are you saying? Three young unknown dragons?”

“Yes, Brimstone.”

“I say, what is the significance of this trivia, eh hem?”

“This is what led to the Great Wars and the Dark One’s ability to wield so much power. Our mythology speaks of a ‘Genesis Flower’ that begat all the magical races of Middle o’ Earthhe. For dragons, though, each is a product of an original Genesis Flower Petal.”

“My word, you are all ancient, but you are not so old that you were born of the original petals.”

“No, not born, Persephone, hatched. For the dragon race, each allotted flower petal grew into an egg until the appropriate magics and prophesies would align. Each egg is destined for a particular time in our world to live. In a play for power, the Dark One stole the remaining dragon eggs and has held them hostage. He turned numbers of our flock to his will. They did his bidding, to protect the eggs, and fought those of us that would free them. We made war, dragon versus dragon, because of this evil prince. Apparently, he is hatching a new army of Winged Nobility to bring about his conquest in this turning of an Age.”

“What strength of armies do we expect to face, Lord von Stratusbourne?”

“The Dark One has been busy, spawning a vast, Oreorcan army. Their numbers are legion. Along with these are battalions of trolls. There is a vast army of dark elves. I am told that they ride black mono-horned stallions. Their dragon complement is unknown, other than the three snot-nosed upstarts that assaulted my lair.”

“You say that you wish to instigate the Great Battle of the Northern Plains. What armies do you have to declare this war?”

“You are looking at them, Reggie, darling.”

“You’re joking! Well then, we must quickly raise armies. Where is the nearest dwarven city?”

“Alas, Brimstone, there are none that face upon the Southern Plains, anymore. There are thought to be isolated enclaves, deep in the Western mountains, but there has been no contact in these Ages.”