A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (18 page)

“No dwarves! How do you expect to go to battle without dwarves?”

“Ach, aye!”

“We must make do with what we can hope to raise, Baron.”

“Will Equidonia fight with us, m’Lord?”

“I doubt it. I smashed the Eagle’s Arch Bridge, and did not curry favour with the Centaurians because of it.”

“You always were brash, Leatherfitz.”

“Do not presume to lecture me, Brimstone! Remember your station!”

“Yes, of course, how silly of me to question your flippant disposal of our best and only chance at an ally.”

“Watch your forked tongue, sir. Your tone does not amuse me.”

“Of course, Lord von Stratusbourne, I would not wish to trigger another destructive fit.”

“Reggie, please do not antagonize Lord Stratusbourne. However, Baron Brimstone has a point, Lee, what army remains to us?”

“The elves of Sylvan Glade!”

“Hmm, that’s not a bad idea. In fact, with their cavalry, they should be quite effective. Have you made contact?”

“No.”

“Do you even know if they still exist?”

“No.”

“You realize, that they probably went extinct after the wars and the plagues, don’t you, Lee?”

“You don’t know that, Josephine! I realize that it’s a long shot, but if we can mobilize the Low Elves, there is a real chance we can breach the ‘Mouth of the Ogre’ pass and fight our foes on the Northern Plain! We may be able to trigger the next cataclysm!”

“Tisk, tisk, tisk, it is so sad to see the once great Lord von Stratusbourne slide into feeble senility. You realize of course that all this talk is just so much madness.”

“You’re as spineless as a snake! I knew it! I have no need for cowards in my army!
Go back to your pond, Reginald.”

“I did not say that I was not in for the fight, m’Lord. Actually, I rather fancy the impossible bravado of the heroic effort.”

“Bravo, gentlemen! I thrill to see the warrior spirit possess you! The life of battle fills your veins and swells your mighty sinews! You are both magnificent! I wish that I was prone to war as you two.
Oh!
Oh, I just thought of someone! Why I would not be surprised if Oliver were still alive!”

“Oliver? Oliver! Do you mean old Ollie Droolbuckets. Oh, no, Josie darling, surely you jest.”

“No, I do not jest and I do not think we have the luxury of being discriminatory.”

“M’Lady, we did not allow Oliver to fly into battle with us to be mean. It was for his own safety and ours. It takes a cool head to maintain one’s wits in the crisis of battle. It would be a cruelty to throw such a simpleton as ‘Jolly Ollie’ into such an unforgiving cauldron.”

“My dear Winged Nobility, he would certainly make as staunch a warrior as I.”

“It matters not. He is still many leagues to the East. By the time we find him and return to recruit the elves, the Dark One may already be in possession of the pass. Our plan depends on speed and surprise.”

“You know, Lee, we are so far East, that I would not have to return...”

“Hmm...”

“I say, you two are hiding something from us. You made a suspicious gesture earlier when Anguson spoke of his homeland. Are these connected?”

“Oh, Lee, do you think we can tell them?”

“Tell us what, Fitzy?”

“Oh, dear, I did not wish to disturb you, Persephone darling. It is only my desire to protect you from a knowledge that may cause incredulity to your primitive mind, my lovely child.”

“Never mind my primitive mind, m’Lord, please share this arcane knowledge.”

“Very well. Calm yourself and relax your mind, for this concept may be difficult to accept.”

“I am prepared, m’Lord.”

“Persephone, the world is not flat.”

“M’Lord?”

“I know that it appears that we live on a flat plain that extends in continuous mountain ranges forever and ever, but in truth, we live within a great cavity. The endless mountains that border either side of the great Southern Plains are actually the same range.”

“Ach, but our Ichs o’ the Bod has a compass! He entered our lands from out of the West and we have been moving directly East since he entered the land of Duunnejonia! East through the mines; East across Equidonia; East across the Mortal Marshes, FaeryLand and the Desert. East into the Dragon’s Maw to find these dragons. Me home is surely further and further behind me as we go?”

“Nossir, Mr. Strongenfight, if we were to keep flying East, we would eventually get back to where we started!”

“Lee darling, don’t you see? If I can continue Eastward, I shall find Oliver and then continue on in that direction to rendezvous with you on the Southern Plain. You and Reggie are free to return and ally yourself with the Low Elves and secure the pass between the Northern and Southern Plains.”

“Ha, ha! What a daring and innovative plan, my darling! What do you say, Leatherfitz?”

“I think I would rather fly into battle with Ollie at my side than the Scarlet Pimp. Oh, very well, as it is the fate of Middle o’ Earthhe that hangs in the balance, then dash it all, let’s do it!”

“Oh, but Lee, darling, I do have one request to make.”

“Josie, you know I can’t refuse you. What would you ask of me?”

“Allow me to have the dwarf.”

“Of course, darling, I did not realize you were hungry. How thoughtless of me.”

“Ach!”

“No, I have another plan in mind.”

“But Josie, darling, we are flying into battle and that’s the only dwarf we’ve got.”

“Ach! Nae! Ye’ve got Ichs of the Bod! He’s a fine dwarf!”

“Your assurances shall have to suffice, Dwarf Strongenfight. Very well, Lady Longbellye, the dwarf is yours to do with as you like. Is there anything else, my dear?”

“Yes. Give me one more Stratusbourne worthy hug for luck and then go make history, my darling.”

Age
of
Darkness
 

He who doth betray,

and to his mates doth lie,

owning the ignoble acts he hath done.

Nobility doth decay,

this despicable spy,

he who serves the Dark One.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“More trolls! I don’t want to hear your excuses; I said grow me more trolls! Certainly, Oreorcs are easier and cost less, but trolls are more effective!”

“But Master, General Bewilderbeast prefers Oreorcs. He likes their speed.”

“I am your Master! I am the Dark One! It is
I
that is destined to rule in this Age of Darkness!”

“Yes, Master!”

“Where is my cavalry general? Where is Lady Destructica? Ah, she is striding in now; her elven torso heaves with anger.”

“Master, I demand to be given leave to go after the halflet that assaulted me in so rude a manner! I shall not rest until I have that abominable little creature’s head on the end of my spear!”

“Silence, you incompetent elf! You are in no position to demand anything. You came slinking back to Morbidia in shame and defeat. Tell me that you have gotten your armies and cavalry divisions back in order.”

“Yes, Master. They continue to swell in size in readiness to complete your will.”

“Where is the
Shard of Essence?
The prophecies state that my reception of the jewel will mark the start of my reign and this Age. If this is so, where is the
Shard of Essence?
So long as I possess the gem, so too will stand the Age of Darkness.”

“Master, Master! I have an urgent message for the Master!”

“Speak, soldier, what news do you bring?”

“A dragon patrol is on the horizon, Master.”

“This is the final patrol to return. This is the last chance for success. Out of my way, you fools; I must hurry to the New Nobility receiving precipice.”

“Incoming Nobility! Announcing the arrival of Geoffrey Pyrrington III, Sebastian Scalybrow, and Trevour St. Talontierre!”

“Hang all that deuced royal heraldry, report! Do you have it?”

“Sebastian, you carry our prize, do you not?”

“Why no, Trevour, I thought
you
had it. Surely Geoffrey has the elf.”

“Oh no, I never once touched the beastly thing.”

“Ha, ha, I’m just having you on a bit, chaps. I have the wizard. Here you are, my dark, elvish master.”

“What is this creature? Is this pitiful old hermit an elf?”

“Forgive me, my Master, verily, the Ages have not been altogether kind to me.”

“Legolamb! I don’t believe it. Is that you? It
is
you! Ha, ha! After all this unimaginable expanse of time, it really is you, isn’t it?”

“Yes, Prince Gahrrienkzjch, my Dark Master, it is your fellow conspirator of old, Legolamb, of the Elven High Council.”

“Unbelievable! Tell me, have all the prophecies played out as foretold?”

“Yes, my Master. When catastrophe struck, in the Great Battle of the Northern Plains, I took the gem as we planned. When I went into hiding, I passed through the mystic mining tunnels of Kreepitoporium to attain perfect isolation. Mishaps and misfortune in the cursed mines took the treasure from my possession. My retainers all perished during the dangerous passage. Assault by the various beasts eventually stole the precious gem from my care. I barely escaped the Madness of the mines with my life. I found myself isolated, as the world choked during the Plagues. Ages slowly passed until finally, verily, a halflet arrived upon my very doorstep! I immediately recognized the creatures from prophecy and joined their company.”

“Tell me of the halflet, Legolamb.”

“Yes, my Dark Prince. It is a plain, frail, and extraordinarily ordinary creature. It calls itself Ichabod Temperance. T’is little more than a Garden Gnomey sans beard and red, pointed hat. The same is true for its companions. The two males were both unbearably boorish and imbecilic. Verily, the female t’were a comely creature, though. T’is a pity I did not think to kidnap her when I recovered the
Shard
. Our New Nobility had to snatch me away before the dwarf cut me down. The long company of the halflet was an ordeal unto itself.”

“Why didst thou wait so long? Why did you not cut down these humans and claim the
Shard
straight away?”

“Verily, certain prophecies had yet to be fulfilled, my Master. The slaying of Royalty and reclamation of the
Shard
by an agent of the Dark One as foretold was always in my mind. I thought that Stratusbourne had actually broken prophecy, when he captured the
Shard of Essence
at the Eagle’s Arch Bridge. The filthy beasts, the Equidonians, had me languishing in their dungeon stables when he attacked. I thought I had lost my opportunity to be the one to fell this ancient Nobility. Suffering great hardships, not the least of which was the company of the awful human males and the hated dwarf, I bided my time. After making a near impossible journey across the Great Southern Plains and the incumbent dangers of those wretched Kingdoms, we invaded the Dragon’s Maw Mountains. When the New Nobility attacked Stratusbourne’s stronghold, I recognized my opportunity to fulfill the ancient words of Enauck. Quickly conjuring a magical lightning bolt, I struck down the mighty dragon, Lord von Stratusbourne, and reclaimed the
Shard
. Your three young nobles were witnesses to his lifeless body falling from the sky.”

“True, though the wizard did strike the final blow, it was only after we three Nobles had suffered at his cruel claws and had had our fill of returning the same upon him.”

“Yes, it’s a pity that the elf wizard killed old Statuswurm, for I should have liked to rip out his throat myself.”

“Enough of this blather! Legolamb, do you have it? Show me the
Shard!”

“Yes, my Master, it is
here!”

“Aiieee! I don’t believe it, it’s true! The
Shard of Essence!
Are you prepared to give it to me, Legolamb?”

“Yes, my Master! Let the ancient words of old come to pass! This is the time of the Dark One. The time of Plague is revisited. Let the long Age of Darkness begin! Long may Darkness prevail! Hail, Prince Gahrrienkzjch!”

“The
Shard of Essence
is mine! I reign supreme! I am the King of an Age! The prophecies have come true!”

“Eep! What is happening?”

“Eek! The mountain is shaking!

“Huh-wanh! Look at the horizon! There is a volcano eruption! There is another and another and another!”

“It is the dawning of Darkness! A new Age of Plagues is being visited on Middle o’ Earthhe! These volcanoes will spew their toxins into the air until the sun is blotted out. They will continue their poisonous chores from now until the end of my time!”

“Verily, that, my master, will not be for a long, long time. The only way your reign will end, would be with another North Ocean Cataclysm. That is not a likely scenario in the foreseeable future. No, this will not come to pass until our enemies raise armies, breach the Ogre’s Mouth Pass, and defeat our armies on the Great Northern Plains. Again this is not a scenario we are likely to see for a very long time.”

“You were wise to have aligned yourself with me, Legolamb.”

“You say wisdom, my Master, but I see it as logic. One cannot fight prophecy. Enauck is never wrong. Heroes always try to defy prophecy. I have never understood this trait. It is blindingly obvious to me, that one should always attempt to find oneself on the side that fortune favours, whether it be good or bad.”

“You are the heart of pragmatism, Legolamb.”

“Thank you, Master. That misguided old fool, Stratusbourne, tried to break the prophecy and it cost him his life.”

“What of the halflet? Is his part of the prophecy fulfilled?”

“This is unclear, my Master.”

“Is the creature a threat?”

“Unlikely, my Master. When I destroyed Lord Stratusbourne, the halflet, Ichabod Temperance, was left stranded, deep within the Dragon’s Maw mountains. Though he is gifted in the dwarvish arts, he is depressingly simple. He is isolated in a distant domain and no doubt, shall never be heard from again.”

“Then we are in no danger? The plagues are spreading, and I have the
Shard.
The Age of Darkness has fallen
and my armies stand ready to do battle at the unlikely proposition of any resistance being offered.”

“No danger whatsoever, my Master. The only danger would be if somehow our enemies could instigate, and triumph in the Second Great Northern Plains Battles.”

“There is no one to oppose me! No armies and no Royalty! Winged Nobility of old is no more. These dark, new skies belong to the New Nobility! These Nobles belong to me.”

“This is true, my Master, still, if I wanted to defeat you, then my strategy would be to initiate the ancient prophecies.”

“What can I do to prevent this from ever happening?”

“A preemptive strike, my Master. Let us go ahead and stuff the Ogre’s Mouth with enough Trolls to throw back any attack, should one materialize, however unlikely this would be.”

“I do not like the idea of the halflet being left to live, Legolamb.”

“Nor do I, my Master. There is something annoying about his naive good humour and despicable tendency toward continued existence.”

“Ah, I have just the thing to remedy the situation. Lady Destructica, come to me, I have a mission for you.”

“Yes, my Dark Master!”

“Take your cavalry and bring me the head of Ichabod Temperance!”