A Life Plan Without You. (96 page)

Oh, but that felt good. Now quickly home, home on my own. Sam
wouldn’t have left me, but Sam wouldn’t let me get that drunk and
be on my own. He carried me home and put me to bed, the one time I
did get drunk, at the meal that night, which had been so lovely. I
smiled he wouldn’t let me get in a fight either, shit I was in a
fight, erg then I threw up again. I lay on the steps, looking at
the stars and lay waiting for a visit from the freshly fucked Sam,
the heavens open and the rain falls, but I lay and watch the water
dropping down from the sky and wetting me through, it hides my
tears well, as I scream at the sky to stop crying.

Then the next thing I remember I’m dancing in the pouring rain
on the field like a bloody idiot. I got home somehow, my white
dress covered in mud, sick and blood and my shoes are missing? I
went straight to bed, my head buried deep in the pillows, to stop
the damn room from spinning and the walls closing in on me, I am
wet cold and feel sick my head has a full bloody marching band and
they have got bloody clogs on, wow my head hurts. Waking up, JJ was
laughing at the end of my bed.

“Oh go away my headaches little man.” What had I done last
night? I know I walked home alone at about midnight I had a fight
with Janet, danced in the field and erg what else happened? I heard
a knocking at the door, next thing mum was shouting me
down

“Michelle, someone’s here for you at the door.” I looked out
of the window a motorbike parked up? I went down stairs to the
door, and he was there.

“Paul, what do you want? Did I not make myself clear last
night?” He looked at me and just shrugged his shoulders

“Where did you disappear to last night?” I looked at him was
he so stupid?

“Home, I told you I wasn’t well and I really am still not
well, so what can I do for you?”

“I thought you might like to go out with me, I thought that
was what you agreed to by going out with me last night.” I was
shocked.

“I’m not being funny Paul, I’ve just been dumped and am not in
the right place to be going out with anyone at the moment and I’m
still not over Sam. I told you I wasn’t interested and I paid you
well for my drinks and in money, not in kind, just in case you seem
to think you’re owed?” I had been honest with Paul.

“Well, how about just coming out, as friends then? I won’t try
anything on with you, but please just give it some thought, how
about the pictures tonight?”

“No Paul, you’re not what I want. You’re a fucking lunatic,
getting me drunk to have sex like the rest of the whores you take
on the market, phone calls, stalking? Go away and don’t come back.
Please, don’t bother me again now leave please my head is killing
me, ha and you as my boyfriend, it will never happen, I will never
want you. If I can’t have Sam, I don’t want anyone, so please leave
me alone.”

He left mad as hell and under his helmet he was seething mad
and swearing. Ouch my headaches, how much did I fucking drink? I
had a quiet Saturday in my room. Turns out, I’d stripped at the
door, my dirty white dress was on a rose bush, and my shoes were in
a conifer tree in the garden. I slept in my under slip and
underwear, thank God I stripped at the door and not on the field.
Deep joy… I was lectured on drinking, for stopping out late without
permission, they grounded me, eighteen and I’m grounded what the
hell? I shut the door and locked it I spent the day reading and
crying looking at my rings and wondering what to do with them? Give
them back, keep them, sell them, take them back to the shop and ask
them to refund Sam’s money? I put them away. I had a, pamper myself
day, hair in conditioner, face pack and slices of cucumbers, over
my tired of crying eyes, water drank and books read. I sleep a full
night’s sleep with no crying, yes.

The next day was dance exam Sunday. I went for my nipper’s pre
exam class exam, they all looked so posh and nice in their frocks,
and so grown up in their shirt and ties. They were chatting and
getting very excited, Ellie and I danced the dances they thought
they needed help with, but they didn’t need it they would sail
through, they were very good. I danced the dances we needed as our
time slot approached. My name is called and I went
upstairs.

“Right, Michelle, you will be fine.” Lee was an amazing
dancer. I danced for what seemed like an eternity. Both Ellie and I
did well. We would get our results at the next lesson. I changed
shoes and ambled down the stairs. He was waiting for me at the
bottom of the stairs.

“You don’t give up do you?” He asked how my exam went. “It
went fine thanks. What are you doing here Paul?” He held my
hand.

“Trying to get you to go out with me again and wearing you
down.” I laughed, did he really think after Friday I would
entertain, him and me? No chance at all. I only wanted Sam he was
always in my thoughts. No one else would ever take his
place.

“You’re doing that all right. No bike?”

“Not for the rest of today.” I wanted to take my hand way, but
he had a tight grip on it. I shook it free. He was lacking
something in the brain department what part of no did he not
understand?

“I have to get home Paul. I go to university tomorrow for my
week of placement there and still have to sort out the things for
that and fill in a load of paperwork.” He was weird and the
stalking thing and the things he wanted to do to me, with me
weirder? He wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to use him. I told
him Friday it was a friends only visit before he took me to Heaven,
I made that very clear, obviously not clear enough…

He was too into me and in an awful way, was he mad? After what
he did Friday the whole drunk and market thing was definitely an
off putter even if I had found him wanting of another chance. I
wanted time to get my head around the whole Sam debacle. He left me
at the pub and went in alone, after I told him goodbye and no hard
feelings. Then I had the next day of uni to prepare for I went
home, one bad stalker told to do one and off I went.

First day in university, I had a massive sports hold all for
some of the fresh uniforms I would be getting today. I loved my
first walk around. I watched as the hustle and bustle in the really
massive kitchens. New friends made on my tour of my new uni, but
would it be? I had phoned the Fylde Coast University and I could go
there, it was a better course too, they had contacted college and
my predicted grades alone got me the offer of a place. It helped
too that I had a place here it had been enough for them to offer me
a place too.

I still had to talk Gramps into stopping there. He loved it
and I did and so too did Grams, easy. We were here there and
everywhere, orders bellowed out, noise commotion and yet order, the
hustle and bustle made my heart jump. Yes this was I wanted. We did
a few introductions to the teachers, who would be teaching us. The
week here was great I had actually helped with the Lord Mayors
Luncheon, making the bread. A sudden barrage of sick calls from
half of the final year meant we have to help, absolute bliss. No
more visits from Paul. I could have sworn he was in the area though
his bike could be heard. Then again, he wasn’t the only lad with a
bike.

We finished the Friday session with our new chef’s whites
being given out I had already had the sexy wine waiter’s uniforms,
I was doing the advanced sommelier course too, I wanted to be a
good wine steward, all new books given too and all sorts of
paperwork to fill in. That would be coming with me to Hambleton for
the summer. I was going tomorrow and couldn’t wait.

My time there though would be spent packing and cleaning, as
they were moving back to Stockton, unless I get Gramps to change
his mind, but either way, I’m not that sad though, Gramps would be
near. I got off the bus at the end of the street loaded down with
so much stuff. Unbelievable, he was bloody waiting for me as I got
off the bus. Just when I though he had taken the bloody hint, he
was here again.

“Need a hand?” He piled the stuff up in his arms and walked me
to my door.

“Thanks for that. I have to be getting this lot in and I still
have packing to do. What can I do for you?” I was blunt because he
was pissing me off. I could swear he had been stalking me. I had
one nice stalker before, my heart sank because Sam was still there
every day in my thoughts, and so I didn’t need nor want the crazy
one…

“Are you at classes tonight, fancy going out after them?” I
shook my head.

“I can’t, I’m off to my Gran’s for the summer, so I have to be
at the coach first thing.” He handed me my stuff and I threw it in
a neat pile on the hall floor.

“Were you off to for the summer then?” I wanted him to
go.

“I go to my grandparents for the holidays and I leave tomorrow
and return the week before university starts, I have my naval
entrance exams to take too and so I’m having four months off,
bliss.” I wasn’t telling him where. Knowing him he’d turn up and
pester me there he shuffled his feet.

“Will I see you at the dance tonight then?” I shrugged my
shoulders.

“I will be there, but I’m not stopping though, I’m just
getting my lessons done and results sorted out and stuff.” He
climbed on his bike, which the cheeky git had left parked up
outside my house. Waved and disappeared, I put all the new whites
in the hamper mum would do them for me. I packed the things I would
need for my time at Gran’s, including two or three posh dresses and
shoes, some as yet to be worn, my white dress was ruined though, it
was sent to be dry cleaned, but I didn’t hold up much hope for its
recovery, I’d killed my dress. I had a promise of nights out with
Michael and Michelle I didn’t need a lot, having stuff in my room
there. I looked in the wardrobe my blue dress didn’t do the trick,
so that could stay there.

This out for revenge thing wasn’t working it was just making
me sadder and angrier again and my emotions were all over the
place. Sod it black jumpsuit thing, red heels and belt. I set off
for class and bugger me, Paul was waiting at the end of the street,
this was really too much. I kept my hands in my pockets he wasn’t
having a death grip on those again.

“Walk you to dance class Michelle I’m going that way? It’s on
my way to the pub.” We talked on the way up he was asking why I
spent so much time with my grandparents?

“I spend time with them because I like where they live, I love
my grandparents and I need the break, this summer will be longer
because I have finished college now, so I’m making the most of it.”
I remembered the last time I was there and Sam, he was going to
book a hotel and come and see me at Easter, but that something had
happened at home with his mum, he’d had to cancel.

“I’m going to miss you.” I was shocked.

“Why will you miss me, we’re not going out or anything?” He
wrapped his arm around my waist there was no escape, he made me
want to hurl.

“Will, you go out with me Michelle?” I was shocked
again.

“No Paul, you’re not who I want to be with ever and thanks to
that kiss you sneaked in, it cost me the one person I do want. I’m
not over Sam and to be honest with you the way we finished, I’m not
sure if he isn’t still interested in me. He’s the one I want to be
with, I’ve already told you no three times Paul, please stop all
this now. Perhaps my time at Gran’s will clear the cobwebs a bit,
and I will change my mind, but I highly doubt it.”

He looked angry, he let go of my waist and walked off, I was
at class anyway, so went in. The school actually closed down for
the whole of the school summer holiday period, to allow the
teachers time off too, most either at university or in college, and
escaped for the Summer working in bars abroad for sunshine and sex
filled holidays, Ava another young teacher, asked me to join her in
Marbella for the summer, I laughed and said next time, I had no
passport.

The older ones had families. Lee did summer seasons at the
pier in Blackpool, and worked in a salon in Thornton. The floors
here were stripped and re varnished, it also allowed Ridgley’s time
in their Spanish villa. I would be missing three or four weeks
though, this I would try to keep up on when I did dancing at the
village hall with Miss Lizzy. She did summer dance classes and
yoga. Grams church packed the church halls with activities all
summer long. I will give yoga a try and the self-defence lessons
again, I need to do a de-arming a manic drunk with a knife course,
I will ask if they do those? I inwardly laughed for the first time
in ages.

“It will be a nice presentation, we’ve had to hire the
Stockton Civic Hall we’ve had such a big influx of new people
learning, this place isn’t big enough. We will hold it the last
Saturday in September. Michelle, your test results, Ellie yours.
Your class ones are in the envelope there Michelle well done they
all passed with good grades too, yours were excellent and I have
the forms here Lee says fill them in, we need a professional couple
to represent us.”

I loved the presentations, professional dancers and a good
night with friends. I often dreamed of being in a floaty dress in
posh shoes, with the makeup and the hair and dancing as a
professional dancer too, I promised I would give it a go when I got
back from my summer away. I hadn’t yet told them I might never be
back, that will break my heart, but all I see now is Sam everywhere
and I shiver as someone walks over my grave the cold shiver was
just that freezing cold.