A Life Plan Without You. (100 page)

“I have university and the Royal Navy to look forward to, and
running away hasn’t helped, but thank you nice to know I have a run
back to place, I love you two, because you’re my much improved and
better than I have already… Mums.” That had him in tears and Lord
what a drama queen, and he was literally. We’re only forty minutes
down the motorway.

I also got a tattoo, after a stupid drunken night out with
Michelle she had a devil, with a trident and a scroll with 'Hornie
lil devil.' I whilst in a full I love Sam mode, had a heart on my
shoulder, a scroll running through it, 'Sam, always and forever
mine.' I woke up the morning after in the hotel room and Michelle,
laughed at my shoulder I did the same, her devil wasn’t hidden that
well, not by her thong. It looked like it was hanging itself from
the G-strings things she laughingly calls knickers.

“Shit we’re going to get hung, Michelle, you’re the daughter
of the preacher and you have the devil on your bum, and my Daddy
will kill me, why did we get it done again? Those bloody vodka and
coke scud missiles again, what a memory blocker they are, you are a
bad influence, how much did we spend last night?”

“Nothing, we had drinks bought us all night thanks to you and
your shaking your sexy arse at everything and anything. Do you not
remember saying you saw Sam watching you and followed the lad out,
you came back so upset that the lads all got you a drink?” I held
my head, nope blank I couldn’t remember anything from coming out of
the Manchester.

“Who’s idea were these then?” Michelle laughed and held her
hand up.

“Umm, mine, you were meant to have a pair of lips on your arse
with kiss this Sam on them, and it would have been hidden, but you
fell in love with that, you wanted it done and were bloody
insistent. Anyhow Dad says I have him in my soul, well I’ll flash
it and say nope he’s on my bum Daddy.” It healed nicely and
actually made me laugh, when I saw it, I will have to give err tee
shirts that show my shoulders a miss.

With one day left at work, I was due home the following
Wednesday and a few days earlier than planned. I had hardly spent a
penny of my wages, other than ferry and tram fare, a couple of
dresses and pairs of shoes. I had given Gramps my wages every
Sunday. He gave me whatever I needed back, but generally I managed
with just the basics. I over worked myself if anything, not too
many days off, because if I did I would think of him constantly. He
was never far from my thoughts. His laugh heard in my dreams his
touch felt in all of my dreams. This made sleep near on impossible
as he invaded those dreams with his shitty promises to love me
forever.

I kept my days packed, and in hopes I’d be too tired to do
anything other than sleep. Days off spent with the oldies at the
home, nights off at the club or running, I was back up to speed
with that, I may even have got quicker. Sundays were my favourite
day. Met from the ferry, after my Saturday night in the club, with
my adopted godmother’s by Joe. We would have Sunday lunch at the
pub by the harbour and talk, he mainly about Hattie and their
travels.

They had been everywhere and seen some wonderful places, they
couldn’t have children, so their lives were taken up with dancing,
travelling and going to shows in their home town London, he was
shocked when I told him I was born in Purfleet, just down the river
from them. He asked could he adopt me, I laughed and said I loved
the idea and agreed. He said he’d look into it.

“I’m too old to be adopted I think, but you can still be my
Pops if you’d like?” So Pops he became. He spent time at Grams and
Gramps, Gramps and he talked all the time as he loved Manx land
too, and went a couple of times a week, so I get to meet him too
when they get back. Pops noticed that Gramps called me Missy, and
started to call me it too.

My last half day, I had been asked to the hotel manager’s
office and was asked, if I would like to work at their Manchester
Castle Hotel, or even in the Stockton Castle, I thanked them. I
would have to think about it, as I wasn’t sure of uni and where and
if I had to work weekends. They gave me their number and said I
would be able to let the other hotel know, when and if I wanted a
job, I was welcome back with them at any time.

I had bigger ambitions than to be pot-room washer or a
waitress, but it would give me money of my own, and being here had
brought more friends, that are both good and trusted into my life.
I went back to work, Mara had been promoted after my leaving today,
and she was busy training her replacement. She made me laugh all
the time, the kitchen staff called her Mini-Mish. I picked up my
last wage packet and I left, after a shorter shift than normal, my
holiday job over and after even more tears from Dan. I said
goodbye.

I had an appointment at the doctors in town because I hadn’t
been feeling well and was still tired. Grams said I need some sort
of pick-me-up, perhaps anti-depressants were an option and now
perhaps it was time to try them, I’d fought against them all
summer. I didn’t have much down time, other than Grandad’s
twice-weekly visit to work for our lunch and walk, down the prom.
He listened to my ramblings, loved the lady on my bed story, for
quite a few weeks I dreamed a woman was at the end of my bed
singing ‘All Things Bright and Beautiful.’ I wasn’t afraid of her,
and I had seen other 'people', in weird and wonderful places all my
life, who weren’t there for anyone else to see. He asked was she
the one walking with us, I turned to look and he
laughed.

“Got you there Michelle, you need a proper holiday, sunshine
and excitement, and not an oldies holiday either, you spend too
much time with the old biddies and fogies Michelle. Why do you not
go on one of these summer youngsters holidays a
club-some-ert-or-other with young people, you’re not old you know,
I’ll even bloody pay for it? Get some sun Sea and se...” I laughed
and cut him off!

“Grandad, you watch too much television, I can’t do that,
that’s… Well I’m not discussing sex with my Grandad!”

“Why not? I am an expert I have a few children tha’ knows!” I
laughed, as did he!

“You’re a
one Grandad, I do love our walks, and talks are you feeling
better?”

“Aye I’m
fine, I just worry about young Sam, and how this is making you ill,
still not eating Michelle?”

“Nah, it is a hit and miss thing, I keep salads down and
scrambled eggs and liver and onions, but Grams says I need to see
the doctor here and get some help even get checked out at the
hospital. I’m not stupid I know I have lost weight, but I eat as
much as I can, I will go when I get home!”

“Your, putting it off go to the doctor here, your heartbroken
my sweet little girl, and as soon as that heals you will too, give
him time he’s coming back to you, now stop putting it off and go
when you finish work!” I gave him a huge hug and cried a little, he
bribed me with new shoes if I stopped putting it off, he knew my
weakness and I said I’d go when I finished at the hotel, but
without the bribe of the shoes, but I got them anyway.

He ate his sweets as I chose my shoes, his weekly escapes from
Nana and he loved them, I’m sure he told her he spent a whole day
with me! I had my wonderful Sunday afternoon lunch, with Joe and
Gramps keeping Thursday as our day, he would meet me from work at
dinnertime, for an early finish and we would go shopping, then go
for lunch and have long walks. I spent too many days of the week at
work. I was bloated, killer wind, cramps and those awful water
infections were a weekly thing, food and me was so hit and miss
too. I ate a little and well, just enough to stop my stomach making
that awful noise, but boy oh boy did it rumble and then I had to
eat. It made Mara laugh she had a stash of biscuits waiting for me
when it did.

I left the hotel armed with packages, cards, flowers, wages,
and my summer bonus cheque, that was a shock and a nice surprise
too. Dan and the girls had bought me a beautiful pendant. On it, a
pair of handcrafted golden angel wings, made by one of the girls, a
highly gifted jeweller, Dina Doors, Jed Powers in his life away
from the club. They had thrown me a leaving party last night, and I
drank champagne, sang and danced until well into the early hours,
good job I was leaving early. I was, as JJ so eloquently said, this
is his new word apparently, knackered. He tells me he’s knackered
each night as he says night-night at bedtime and his snot monster
is called busted, it says night-night too and that they have been
knackered all day. I just smile and say I love him.

I made my way around to the doctors’ offices. I waited
patiently, my name called and I went in. I told him about the
dreams and the problems with the eating and sadness, I expected the
prescription for depression suppressors, as I explained it all to
this stranger sat opposite. He asked me a barrage of questions, he
took bloods and then asked me to lie on the bed, and I went through
another barrage of questions about my periods.

“I have missed the last one, and the others have been lighter,
but on time and the pill I take makes me very regular doctor.” I
showed him the pills and he smiled, coughed, and then
laughed.

“Miss Welles, have you had sexual intercourse, in the last few
months?” I answered with my face burning with embarrassment. No, I
had hot rampant first time sex, for just two wonderful days in the
end of April, and he smiled.

“Yes I have, but months ago why, is there a problem?” The
doctor made a phone call and I was booked in with an ultra sound at
Blackpool Victoria. I was apparently pregnant. I was in total
shock, silent and I didn’t know if I was happy or frightened. I was
in shock and strangely happy, I had Sam’s child growing inside me.
The pills I had taken daily for over five years, were not as I
thought, and what mum had told me, birth control! No they were just
stupid hormone tablets, bloody hell.

Sam and I were having a baby, shit he would be angry, hell
everyone would be angry. The doctor estimated I was about nineteen
weeks into my pregnancy. I cried when he told me. I’d had lighter
periods but I’d had them; this was unreal it wasn’t happening to
me, but it was. I got in a taxi to the hospital I was a mess, I was
nervous, sick, excited and then relieved, yes that threw me too,
but I had a reminder of my Sam, my always and forever was the child
I carried. I was called in to see an ultra sound technician, I had
gel put on my belly and sure enough there was a baby. I looked in
awe at the screen, my baby Sam’s baby was there. She calculated I
was in fact nineteen weeks into the pregnancy, the baby was fine
and healthy and I'm given a picture, I looked at it and
cried.

“Can you tell what I am having from that picture? I would love
to know.” She smiled.

“Your baby girl is due anytime between the middle and end of
January Ms Welles, a two week window, and she is quite clearly a
girl. Though I have never been wrong, there is a small risk I am
maybe one day, I have to say that in case you sue me when you buy
pink and in fact you needed blue. So my advice don’t go buying pink
just yet, I’d wait until your later scans.”

I smiled thanked her and started my journey home. They had all
been given my doctors address in Stockton and she would be
contacted. I had to make an appointment with them as soon as I got
home. They were worried about sickness and my weight was a big
issue. I was underweight and malnourished. I was given pills to
give me energy, and some to stop the queasiness after I ate, I’m
told to eat more or risk losing the baby.

Hell no that wasn’t happening I'd force myself to eat. I
bought a sandwich for the tram and ate that along with it I drank a
milkshake and grinned like an idiot, all the way home. It seemed to
take me forever to get back home too, and when I did I just wanted
to curl up in bed with my baby. Grams came to my room with tea and
toast. I slept, and I slept really well too, for the first time in
ages no dreams of Sam and her.

I had my baby to dream of, his and my baby, wow talk about
euphoric, is this what they meant, the others, that the one I loved
I would love forever. I would have Sam and then love his child
forever? I got up had a wash and went to meet Gramps off the ferry,
with Michael I sat legs hanging over the jetty edge and stared into
the sea. I'm suddenly back to being the six year old, looking and
waiting for my Gramps.

“Are you all right, Michelle?” I looked at Michael and
smiled.

“I’m fine actually, really fine. I’m just happy to be going
home on Wednesday.” My baby was just mine for now, I had my piece
of Sam and I haven’t been happy like this for months.

“Are you looking forward to getting back to school Michelle?”
I thumped him.

“I’m going to university barf breath” He smiled at
me.

“You haven’t called me that all summer, troll face.” I got up
Gramps ferry was here. I walked down to meet him, I handed my wages
over and the cheque, which I hadn’t even looked at. He smiled and
gave me a hug, I wanted to tell him but was too frightened that he
would hate me, or I would have embarrassed him. I’d hate it either
way, so for now Bump was mine. I smiled yes she was just
mine.

“Michelle, you’re going home with over three and a half
thousand pounds, plus the cheque.” I was gob smacked. Gramps and I
had opened a bank account, with my first wage. He had put my money
in each week and matched it each week. I nearly fainted.