A Life Plan Without You. (102 page)

“I love you Bump and Daddy… Well he did love me once.” I cried
and I sat on the cricket steps eating my stash. I'm here at my go
to place and I weep, I was alone and pregnant, but I was happy too!
I would have been happier knowing Sam was in the country, should I
need to get in touch. I had the baby and she was what was keeping
me sane, well fairly sane anyhow! I’m still hearing my favourite
hymn each and every night, and have done for Lord knows how long?
Perhaps I need to go to Grams church?

At some point I would have to tell mum and dad I was pregnant
but I will leave that for a while though, umm not looking forward
to that shit. She had me at twenty two and she thought that was too
young. However for now, ignorance is bliss as they say. For me
though this baby is my connection to him. The man I loved, and
would always love, he had unknowingly left me with his child and
that was fine, for now anyway. I still had a part of him and she
was mine. I continued to eat, the sandwich was bloody great and
fresh, the giant salad bowl was already eaten and I lay down, to
let tea or supper, which ever meal I had just eaten, to settle. I
was awakened from my daydreams by a familiar voice.

“Hello you, you look well had another row with the other guy…
Sam?” I smiled Adam was on leave again.

“No, I was too much for him so he left me. How’s the navy
treating you then?” He came and sat down by my side, his mad dog
running havoc in the fields.

“Everything’s great. I love it in fact and I've just been
promoted. You look different, can’t put my finger on it, but in a
good way. What have you been doing with yourself over the
holidays?” He moved over and sat by me on the steps, sharing my
stuff.

“I have been working at the Castle Hotel in Blackpool for the
summer hard work and long hours, but fantastic.” He helped me up
and we walked back across the field. He put mad dog on her lead and
she walked happily at his side.

“Do you fancy going out whilst I’m on leave Michelle?” I
smiled, as I bit into the last of my sandwich.

“At this moment in time you wouldn’t want that Adam I come
with baggage and I don’t want to get involved with anyone else yet,
I’m not over him.” He smiled! He had such a nice smile.

“As mates you idiot, we are still friends aren’t we?” I
blushed, how and why did I think he meant something
else?

“Yes, sorry of course we are that would be wonderful, thanks
as friends.” He smiled.

“What’s the baggage Michelle tell me?” I put his hand on
Bump.

“She is my baggage and no he doesn’t know and no I don’t want
him to know and yes I can manage. Did that answer all the
questions?” He laughed.

“I didn’t have any questions it’s just that she moved I think?
It felt funny.” I laughed.

“She’s been doing it a week, I thought it was gas. She is
quite the early mover my little Bump, I’m not supposed to feel her
move for weeks yet.” He laughed and helped me through the fence.
“Keep it to yourself I haven’t told my parents yet and don’t want
to, well for now anyway. There’s plenty of time for the shit to hit
the fan.” He smiled, he knew my family well and he too got on well
with my dad, our dads are best mates and drinking
buddies.

“She’s like her mum then, quite the kicker and fighter. Please
come out with me tomorrow, I won’t keep you two ladies up and I
need to get out of the house, please, it’s my treat? It’s bloody
bedlam in the house, too many kids and not enough space. Mum’s
pregnant again too I am a big brother at twenty two. Seven, sorry
eight kids, with this one, you’d think they would have stopped at
their age.” I looked at him. She was thirty eight not old. I
laughed and she was a good catholic girl.

“Yes, I fancy that Adam but we go Dutch, the last idiot I went
out with thought buying me drinks meant he got sex, so no I pay my
way or I don’t come. As to your mum she is not old, she had you
when she was only sixteen. That bodes well for me then, I forgot
your mum was younger than me. I can use her in my argument that I’m
not as young as her best friend was or the first single young girl
to get myself in a the family way.”

“Sam expected sex because he bought you a drink? You’re not in
a mess and I will be here if you need me Michelle, I will always
have your back. You’re my best friend and my biggest regret.” I
smiled he’s going to offer to be Bumps Dad.

“Thanks Adam, you’re the best friend ever but put the thought
of you and me that way out of your head please? I like you, love
you and adore you, but not that way goat-boy, your more my like a
big brother. So do you still want to take your biggest regret out
Adam? The other lad he was called Paul and he was and is a proper
idiot, total head case. No Sam wouldn’t do that to me ever, he was,
is… Oh I miss him Adam, what do I do?”

“We will talk tomorrow and you get big brother advice only. I
will pick you up at, what about seven; can you be ready that early?
You, Michelle Welles, should never say never, I’m pretty good with
babies. Mum has had enough and I hope this one’s a bloody girl then
she may stop, she has it in January.” I shook my head.

“I’m mid to late January too. See you at seven tomorrow, Adam
and remember shush, your mum will tell mine and well I need a few
weeks to sort shit out.” He kissed my cheek and I watched as he
walked the damn dog down the road, he turned, smiled and waved. I
waved back and went in. Mum was back and ranting in the front
room.

“I’m going to bed Mum, I have a banging headache, and I need a
darkened room.” She called me into the front room.

“What is this?” She had my bankbook in her hand. I was fuming.
Thank God, she hadn’t rummaged through my drawers or had she? No,
the photo would be wafting there instead, shit she is a nightmare
rummaging through my stuff.

“It Mother is my bank book, and why have you been routing
through my bag.” I snatched it off her.

“Where did all the money come from?” Where did she think I got
it from, did she think I worked hard all summer for nothing. On the
other hand, had I spent the night’s street walking for cash?
Please, she probably forgot I was even bloody working.

“It’s my wages from work, and whatever I earned Gramps matched
the same amount as I banked weekly, the rest is work bonus and
money from dance classes. They pay us nut jobs to work nowadays
Mother. Do not go through my things again Mum, that’s my stuff and
its personal, you’ve no right to go through it.”

I went to bed. She was ranting about it being her and house
her rules, if I didn’t like it I should go. It had been quiet all
bloody summer without me, as she opened another box of my
chocolates. Bitch, as soon as I could, I would be getting out of
here. Oh hell, I wanted to hurl. My headaches were horrid and
painful. First thing tomorrow I go buy some sort of lock
box.

I put my rings, the photo, Sam’s birthday card to me,
ensconced in it are the bundle of well-read valentines cards and
finally my bank book, safely in a bag and put them under my pillow,
they were coming with me tomorrow.

Waking up I felt like crap; I’m starving and so tired because
I slept awfully last night. I’d told Paul I was pregnant and I knew
that was going to bite me in the arse, it was just a matter of
when. Adam was fine, I could trust him, and he wouldn’t tell a
soul. I had a shower and dressed, I headed to the kitchen and great
there was nothing in for breakfast. So I went to town for breakfast
in a café, when I realised it was gone midday when I actually woke,
I decided on lunch. I was spending stupid amounts of time sleeping
and tired. I spent quite a bit of the afternoon window-shopping,
where I bumped into Zoë. She ran straight into my arms and hugged
me. Strange, I always thought she hated me? I certainly didn’t
trust her at all.

“Are you all right Michelle?” I half expected her to ignore
me.

“Feeling absolutely great, but I have a lot of sad and lonely
days, but generally I’m fine and you?” I noted she didn’t have her
ring on and she spotted me staring at her empty finger and she
smiled.

“I’ve finally split from Andy, I sobered up and he was
drinking more and more and was not that nice of a man and not a
brilliant one to have a proper caring relationship with! One thing
he wasn’t able to show me any warmth or love. He couldn’t do
normal, not with his way out of control needs. He became odd very
odd, in what he wanted me to do and well… Janet… Well her yes, me
definitely not.

He wanted beating raw and until he bled, shit he wanted
flaying as a punishment. He'd scream at me he was a drunken wreck.
When I did it the first time, I thought it was a new sex game, but
after that first time he just curled in a ball and cried that he
was a bad boy and that he had to learn to be good! He frightened me
and he went wackier each day. I got a rest he didn’t want sex of
any kind, just beating the crap out of. It was quite nice reversing
the punishment, arghhhh good memory’s, no seriously Michelle; I’m
well off out of all their shit now.” I held her hand I knew it must
have been bad, if she said it was worse.

“You sort of wonder is it worth it you know Michelle after
what they did to you? You who actually loved them, what chance did
I stand? Andy went off at the deep end when all this crap happened
and boy did he go mad?” I knew what she did with Andy and what she
was like and perhaps sober, what he liked she didn’t, she wasn’t in
the right relationship. We went for coffee and she filled me in,
she it seems knew everything of what Sam went through, lucky her.
Whilst I knew nothing and I was really envious she knew all about
Sam and had a pang of jealousy running through my hormonal mind
that she knew things about him and I didn’t.

“Sam had a nervous breakdown and had gone into some sort of
shock state, he didn’t speak anyone for ages, because for the first
couple of days he was a child and didn’t know who the people round
him where. That was awful to see, he didn’t recognise Emma or
Allison, when they got back. Andy had hoped he would be better when
they got back, but he only started coming around when they showed
him pictures. The lads, well Jimmy, told him about you, he just
cried all the time, Andy said he was making him worse and poor
Jimmy was in a bad way too. I spent ages talking to him about you,
but he couldn’t remember you, he just said who was Michelle.” I bet
that made her fucking day, I was angry she was allowed by his bed
and I wasn’t.

“He came to see you, at Jimmy’s insistence and Andy flipped.
He went when he was at work and it has to be said, Andy was right.
It set him back weeks and Andy blamed you even more. Poor Sam, he
was heartbroken when he got back from that meeting, but he said he
just couldn’t hurt you again and what you said to him was all
true.

You were better off without him, and then we watched him so
closely, I actually thought he would do something stupid, but I
think he might have done it already, because Andy said he would
have killed you if his brother had managed it, whilst he was drunk.
That was the night he went to hit me and I ran and didn’t look
back. Sam, apparently took his prescription pills too many times,
Andy said he just forgot, but they watched him a lot after that.” I
cried as she passed me a napkin.

“I ranted at him that was all I remembered about that horrid
day, that and his silence Zoë I can’t remember what I said to him,
but honestly I’m so in love with him still it’s awful. I didn’t
want to leave him because I loved him and I will always love him,
just him Zoë but there’s not much chance of that with him in Spain,
is there and me here?” She looked at me. She laughed what was funny
about being heartbroken and still as madly in love with him now, as
I was back then?

“What? He’s not in Spain Michelle, he only went there for
three months or so, to get over the attack and recuperate with
Aunty Jane and Emma.” I stopped blubbering.

“What attack? I know Andy said he fell down the stairs, at
dance class but what attack Zoë, tell me?”

“He didn’t fall down, he was punched or pushed, using both
shoulders he was thrown backwards down the stairs, they found blood
on the top landing and the others too, he had very nasty bruises on
them both and they were quite bad marks from the sheer ferocity of
the push. He breaks all over his body and his head was leys just
say Sam doesn’t suit a skin head, he was in a coma for two weeks he
had brain surgery too and at one point they thought he’d either die
or be brain damaged, especially coming so soon after Dennis’s
episode!

The police reckon they were waiting to rob who ever came up
the steps; he crawled out and was found outside the toy store next
to dance class. He’d been robbed and was a fucking mess. He didn’t
have any identification on him and as luck had it, a nurse
recognised him in casualty, being as he was frequent flyer there
with Emma, she contacted Andy and well we had a nightmare two weeks
of bed watching and praying he’d get all his memory
back!

I don’t know they never caught the fella? Andy was pissed
though, and has been really nasty to everyone since that thing at
their old house and well when Sam was attached he got worse, he
turned psycho like their Dad, sorry Dennis they don’t call him Dad.
I left when he hit me I wasn’t going to be treated like Emma and he
would have it’s in his eyes.