A Long Thaw (12 page)

As he walked up the front steps, his legs were jelly. His knees literally buckled beneath him and he had to hold onto the railing to stay on his feet.

The door was unlocked. Deirdre was sitting on the couch, facing him, holding a glass of wine. The bottle stood at her feet.

‘Where are the groceries?’ she asked coolly.

‘Where are the girls?’ The house was too quiet.

‘None of your business, that’s where.’ She was slurring her words.

‘Deirdre. You shouldn’t be drinking.’ She was still breastfeeding Lilly.

‘Oh, shut up!’ Her face contorted in disgust. ‘
You
shouldn’t be fucking around!’

Allen winced. He sat in a chair across from her. ‘I know,’ he whispered. ‘I’m sorry.’

Deirdre laughed wickedly. ‘You’re
gonna
be sorry. That’s for sure.’ The wine sloshed around in the glass as she lifted it to her lips and finished it off.

‘I am sorry.’

‘
Shut up!
’ Deirdre threw the glass. If it was meant for his head, her aim was off. It landed on the carpet beyond him and didn’t even break. ‘Get your stuff and go,’ Deirdre sneered.

‘Baby—’ Allen reached for her but she slapped his hand away.

‘You can have the house, but not tonight. Tonight you are sleeping in your fucking car!’

He could have the house? What was she saying?

‘I am taking the girls,’ Deirdre said.

‘You can’t just—’

‘I’m taking them.’

‘You can’t just take the girls. If you and I can’t work this out, you still can’t take the girls.’

Deirdre narrowed her eyes. ‘You think there’s a judge in the world who would give custody – visitation, even . . . to a . . . a child molester?’

‘What? A what?’

‘Your little sixteen-year-old whore. Oh, I see she’s no blushing virgin. But they have a word for what you did. Statutory rape! And they don’t give children to rapists!’

‘Sixteen? She’s not sixteen.’

Deirdre laughed again, bending forward and holding her sides. She was hysterical. ‘Oh, she’s sixteen all right. I talked to her mother. Lives in a trailer. Guess you didn’t know that either.’

‘No,’ Allen stammered. It couldn’t be true.

‘Yes!’ Deirdre shouted back. ‘Fucking little sixteen-year-old trailer-trash whore! I hope it was worth losing your family for. I hope it was some really good underage pussy, Allen!’

‘Stop it, Deirdre. If that’s true, I had no idea. She never told me—’

‘It doesn’t matter, Allen.’

‘It does matter.’ He knew better than to tell her it wasn’t really statutory rape, that sixteen was the age of consent. She wouldn’t consider it innocent that he happened to know this. ‘And, anyway, I love you. It was stupid what I did. I don’t know why I did it. I’m so sorry I hurt you.’

‘Hurt me? You embarrass me. You’re weak and you’re stupid, but I already knew that. That, I could handle. But I will not let you humiliate me. I had to hear about this from Nancy Peterson!’

‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. We can fix this.’

Deirdre leaned back and closed her eyes, suddenly calm. ‘I don’t want to.’

‘We love each other.’

‘No, we don’t.’ Deirdre opened her eyes and stared right at him.

He opened his mouth, but found he couldn’t argue. ‘Nothing is worth losing you and the girls. I’ll do anything—’

‘You just try to stop me from taking the girls. I fucking dare you!’ Deirdre leaned forward, reclaiming her rage. ‘Sex with a little girl. Only three years older than your own daughter! You could go to jail. And even if you don’t, you’ll be a pariah. You’ll lose your job, the children, everything. And just think what it will do to your
mother
.’

Allen sank into his chair, defeated. She had all the cards. She would ruin him. It was all about degrees now. That morning he had watched as she nursed Lilly, Hannah leaning against her, sucking her thumb. They had made such a pretty picture. He had kissed the top of Juliet’s head as she left to catch the school bus. And now it was gone for ever. He could do nothing but try to hold onto whatever scraps of his life Deirdre chose to leave him.

They sit on plastic seats, side by side, as they ride the T. Juliet hugs a brown-paper bag of groceries on her lap. Jesse sits with his legs splayed out, taking up room.

‘I had the funniest dream last night,’ Juliet says, leaning into the curve.

‘Dreams are only interesting to the person who dreams them,’ Jesse says, to his sneakers.

Juliet blushes and chews the flesh inside her cheek. She sighs heavily as she shifts the grocery bag onto her hip as if it were a child who had grown too big for carrying.

Juliet lies in bed with her eyes closed, awake but unwilling to leave the warmth of the bed for the cold of the room. Jesse pulls at the covers and she remembers that he stayed over the previous night. She tugs them back and tucks them under her hip.

‘It’s fucking freezing in here,’ he says.

Juliet turns towards him and nestles into his body. She feels his erection against her belly. ‘What are you doing today?’ she asks.

‘Walkin’ around. Same as any other day.’

Your work is never done
, Juliet thinks. It’s Saturday. She doesn’t want to fight.

Jesse slides his icy hands up her arms and her body stiffens. She takes his hands in her own, holds them to her lips and blows into them. ‘I have to call my mother. About the girls.’

‘I guess you’re not looking forward to it.’

Juliet groans. ‘I haven’t talked to her in . . . God. Months? She picked up one night when I called. It was brief.’

‘How long will they be here?’

‘A whole week.’ Juliet grins up at him. ‘No sleepovers for you.’

Jesse scowls. ‘I can come over after they fall asleep.’

Juliet shakes her head. ‘They’re going to be sleeping in here.’

‘All of you together?’

Juliet presses her palms against his. ‘Yep. It’ll be cosy.’ Their fingers intertwine. ‘I hope it snows. They’ve never seen snow. Well, Hannah has, I guess. But she doesn’t remember.’

‘Snow by Christmas?’

‘It could happen.’ Juliet places his hands on her breasts.

‘Maybe,’ Jesse says, but he looks doubtful.

‘Well, I want to take them on a winter hayride in this place in New Hampshire. You have to come.’ Juliet moves her hands in circles on his chest.

‘I do?’

‘Yeah. It’ll be fun. I used to go with Abby when we were little.’

‘How old are they?’

‘Fourteen and ten.’ Juliet kisses along his jaw line.

‘I’ve never been real big on babysitting.’

Juliet pulls back and searches his expression. ‘It’s not babysitting. They’re my family.’

‘Yeah, yeah. I know.’ Jesse shrugs. ‘I just haven’t spent a lot of time with kids. I don’t really know how to talk to them.’

‘You just talk to them like people,’ Juliet says, sliding her leg over his hip. ‘You’ll love them. They’re great.’

Jesse kisses her neck, then slides his hands down her spine and under the waistband of her pyjamas. They leave their shirts on and Jesse holds the covers over Juliet’s shoulders as she lowers herself on top of him.

The phone rings five times before her mother’s voice, sleepily disoriented, comes through.

‘Hello?’

‘It’s Juliet,’ she says, into the phone. She sits on the edge of her bed, twisting the fringe on a throw pillow.

‘Honey! How are you?’ Deirdre’s voice is full of false maternal sweetness.

Juliet clenches and unclenches her teeth. ‘I want the girls for Christmas.’

‘What?’

‘I’ll buy their tickets. You don’t have to do anything. Aunt Camille’s already promised to take them to the airport.’

‘You want me to be all alone for Christmas?’

‘I want to see my sisters.’

‘Then why don’t you come here? It would be lovely. We could—’

‘That isn’t going to happen, Deirdre.’

‘Don’t call me that.’

‘Look, think about it. They’ll be on school vacation. They’ll need more attention. I’m willing to give it.’

Deirdre is quiet at the other end of the line.

‘You could go away for the week, whatever you want,’ Juliet says.

‘I can’t afford to just go away.’

Juliet holds her forehead in her palm, squeezing her temples. ‘I’ll see what I can do.’

‘Well, I’ve always wanted to go to one of those spa getaways. And after the month I’ve had—’

‘I don’t have that kind of money.’

‘But you have the money for two plane tickets?’

‘I’ve been saving up. And I found a good deal if I book the tickets soon.’

‘I see.’ Deirdre allows a long silence to travel along the line from California.

Juliet takes a breath. ‘Maybe an afternoon. A massage or something. And I’m sure you’re welcome for Christmas dinner at Camille’s so it isn’t like you’ll be alone.’

Deirdre sighs heavily. ‘I suppose you want to be the one to tell them.’

Juliet longs to hear their immediate reactions, the unedited giddiness, but she has to let that go. She stopped asking Deirdre for favours long ago. ‘I’m going to call back when they get in from school. Just please make sure they’re there to pick up.’

‘Fine.’

‘Thanks.’ Juliet hangs up without waiting to hear if Deirdre has more to say.

When she calls back, Hannah and Lilly fight for the phone. Juliet can hear the scuffle, both of them calling her name excitedly.

Hannah wins. ‘We get to come see you?’ she shrieks.

Juliet laughs. ‘Yep. We’re going to have a whole week together.’

Lilly picks up the extension in the other room. ‘I can’t wait!’

‘I can’t wait either, Munchkin. I’ll show you around the city and you can meet Abby. She remembers you but you probably don’t remember her.’

‘I think I remember her a little bit,’ Hannah insists.

‘You’ll like her. And do you know the best part?’

‘What?’ they both chime in at once.

‘I have a really good feeling you’re going to get to see snow!’ Juliet stomps her own feet with joy.

‘Snow!’ Lilly yells.

‘That’s not really the best part,’ Hannah says, quieter than her sister.

‘I know, babe,’ Juliet says. ‘It’s been too long.’

The last time she’d seen her father it was a warm autumn night that smelt like burned leaves. That evening, a neighbour had had a small bonfire after raking his yard. Juliet was wearing a pink flannel nightgown and her bedroom window was open about an inch, the Indian-summer breeze lifting the curtains. She was supposed to be sleeping, but she heard his car in the driveway.

It had been a week since she’d left him at the kitchen table on her way out of the door. He’d kissed the top of her head and she’d bent her knees a little, afraid he would mess up her hair. She had brushed it out as straight as possible and pulled it back into a French braid. The hardest part was keeping the top smooth. Later that afternoon, her mother’s friend Amy picked her up from school. She already had Hannah and Lilly in the car. Amy said she’d decided Deirdre needed a night off. Mommies needed that from time to time. Amy talked in a singsong, as if Juliet and Hannah were the same age. Juliet slept fitfully that night, thinking someone had died and they hadn’t figured out how to tell her.

Back at home the following afternoon, Deirdre was already packing. They were going to California. Dad wasn’t coming. All of Juliet’s questions were redirected into lists of ways she could help pack.

The night she heard her father’s car in the driveway, she ran to the top of the stairs. She could hear her parents speaking to each other, but couldn’t tell what they were saying. As their voices approached, Juliet backed away. She saw her mother grab her father’s arm. He shook her off.

‘At least let me say goodbye,’ he said.

They glared at each other as Juliet held her breath. Deirdre let go and Allen trudged up the stairs.

Juliet ran back to her room and jumped into bed, pulling the covers to her chin and pinching her eyes shut. Her heart was racing.

She heard him walk into Hannah and Lilly’s room next door. She wriggled to the edge of the bed and pressed her ear to the wall, but heard nothing. After a few minutes, she heard him in the hall. She tried to lie still, afraid somehow of getting into trouble for being awake.

He sat at the edge of her bed. She opened her eyes to slits and watched him in the dark, his hands on his knees, not even looking at her.

‘Daddy?’ She stretched and yawned as if he had woken her up.

He turned. ‘Jules.’

She sat up. ‘We’re going to California.’

‘I know.’

‘Mom says you can’t come.’

He nodded.

‘Why not?’

‘Your mom is mad at me right now.’

‘What for?’

‘Grown-up stuff.’

‘Did you say you were sorry?’

‘I did. Apologies don’t always fix grown-up stuff.’

‘Will we still see each other?’ Juliet felt the lump in her throat.

‘Of course we will,’ Allen said, hugging her. ‘Maybe not for a while, though.’

Juliet pulled away, looking up at him with tears in her eyes. ‘But when?’

Allen drew her to his chest, tucking her head under his chin. ‘As soon as I can. Soon. I promise.’

Juliet sits at a table for two near the door. When Jesse comes in, a gust of wind follows him. He takes his jacket off and hangs it on the back of the chair. Juliet zips her fleece to her chin.

‘Hey.’ Jesse sits down and lifts the menu. When Juliet doesn’t respond, he drops the menu on the table. ‘What’s wrong with you?’

‘I got fired today.’

‘Fired?’

‘Yeah. They told me they won’t need me to come back after winter break.’

‘That sucks.’

‘Yeah.’ Juliet sips her iced water. ‘Janet called me into her office this morning. The way she phrased it, she said she didn’t think it was the right place for me. She acted like she was doing me a favour. I was so shocked, I didn’t even ask why.’

‘Who cares?’

‘I do. The way she acted. I don’t understand. I’m always on time. I get things done. They’ve never talked to me about anything.’

‘You’ll find something else.’

‘Have you been selling on the campus?’

Jesse leans back in his chair. ‘Oh, right, it’s my fault?’

‘Maybe someone saw you. They’ve seen us together. It makes more sense than anything else.’