A Lova' Like No Otha' (3 page)

The day was exactly the way it'd been this morning—dark, gray and ugly. My elegant wedding dress collected a layer of mud along the hem as I trudged to my Ford Probe.

Getting into my car would have been hysterical to watch if I hadn't been so…well, hysterical. The crown of my veil caught on the top of the doorway, yanking out the carefully placed bobby pins, which in turn pulled out several strands of hair. I winced, then hollered and grabbed my veil, pushing it back onto my head. It sat crookedly and part of the white mesh draped over my left eye. I plopped into the driver's seat, but most of my dress remained outside the car.

“Zoe, wait. Let me help you.” Chase tried to stuff in as many layers of the satin dress as he could before I grabbed the handle and slammed the car door shut, catching the muddy hem in the frame.

Chase hurried around to the other side of the car while I dug through my purse for the keys.

“Ouch!” I exclaimed. The veil pulled my hair again now that it was wedged between my back and the car seat. Finally my frantic search produced keys and I started the engine.

Just as I got the car started, Devyn ran up and pounded on my window. I glared at him through the glass. He looked like a fool standing in the rain, his naturally curly hair drenched and flat. Then I wondered, who looked like the bigger fool—him or me?

“I don't have anything to say to you,” I yelled, jamming the gear into drive.

Devyn flew to the front of the car and planted his hands on the hood. I revved the engine with my right foot, keeping my left foot pressed hard against the brake.

“Hold up,” Chase yelled. “You can't run him over. I'll talk to him.”

I returned the car to park, then took my foot off the gas pedal. Chase jumped from the car. I watched the two, standing and being pelted by the rain, as Chase tried to talk to Devyn.

I rolled down my window, just enough. “I just wanted to apologize,” I heard Devyn say, “and tell her I never meant to hurt her.”

“You've said enough already,” Chase replied. “You've been pulling this junk on her for years. Dev, she's finally had enough. Now, leave her alone.”

“But—”

“Let her go, man.”

As they continued, I lowered my eyes and turned inward. I felt empty—there was nothing inside me. I'd lost it all—everything that was important to me.

Without thinking, I put the car into drive again and inched forward. It made the men stop talking and they stared at me, their eyes wide. In the next second, they both jumped out of my way and I screeched off, leaving them both behind.

The rain had turned the streets into rivers. So once I turned on two wheels from the church's parking lot, I slowed down, maintaining that steady pace. I drove, with no destination in mind. I aimlessly roamed the streets. But twenty minutes later, I found myself at the park—where my perfect outdoor wedding was to have taken place.

After pulling into a parking space in the empty lot, I reached behind and ripped off my veil. Then I grabbed the tape player and cassette box off the seat and opened the door. My enormous dress billowed out of the car as if it were grateful to be free. With my veil in one hand and the tape player and cassette box in the other, I stomped toward the gazebo, not caring that my dirty, tattered dress would now also be wet.

I stood right outside the redwood circle. Even with the wind and the rain, a few white crepe paper streamers still clung to the roof of the gazebo, like they were holding on to a memory. This was all that was left of the decorations that my friends and I had excitedly put up the previous night when there wasn't the slightest hint of any storm.

For several moments, I stood, with the rain beating down on me, staring at the banner still hanging across the archway. It screamed
CONGRATULATIONS
! in blue letters outlined in gold.

“Congratulations,” I muttered. “That's a joke.”

I tripped up the three steps and then plunked down on a wet bench inside the gazebo. My dress was now drenched with tears and rain. I stared at what was left of my veil before I tossed it into a nearby hedge. I opened the cassette box and pulled out my Yolanda Adams tapes. I searched the covers and saw what I was looking for—the album
Through the Storm.

I inserted the cassette into the tape player, ignoring the wind that had kicked up and the hail that had started to fall. But when the gazebo walls began to rock from strong gusts, I grabbed the tape player and cassette box and dashed back to my car.

Stuffing my dress into the driver's seat was even more difficult now that it was wet and muddy.

Sitting inside my Probe, I wondered where I could go. The church was out of the question because guests might still be there—or even worse, Devyn might be hanging around, waiting to see if I returned. I couldn't go to my mother's apartment in the projects because it was so small and I knew I wouldn't have privacy. The reception was supposed to be there, and you know black folks—even though the wedding was off, I'm sure people were planning to go over there and get some free food. And I was sure that my friends and family had probably gathered there to discuss my humiliation.

So, I sat with the hail beating its rhythm on the roof and hood of my car. For a moment, a thought played through my mind. I could go to Orlando. Devyn had booked a honeymoon suite at Disney World. It seemed only fair that someone should enjoy it. And that someone could be me.

I pushed the play button on the car's cassette deck. The hail was beginning to let up as I listened to Yolanda sing about the storms of life. I compared the weather outside to the blow I'd just received from my fiancé.

After a moment, I noticed that the beat of the song matched the slap of the windshield wipers. But both sounds were drowned out by my sobs.

“Lord,” I prayed, “I don't understand why You didn't give me the desire of my heart. I know You want what's best for me. But right now, this sure hurts!”

In addition to the hurt, I was afraid. I couldn't imagine what tomorrow would hold for me. I had quit my job at the Marriott as a hotel management trainee; I had talked my way out of my apartment lease; I had donated most of my belongings to charity the weekend before. All to be with Devyn. Now I had no husband, no job, no money and no home. Everything I owned—other than the stained, ragged wedding gown clinging to my damp skin—was in the two suitcases in the trunk of my Probe.

I let my tears flow, though I carefully maneuvered through the rain outside, still not really knowing where I was headed. But after only a few minutes, I could feel the presence of God. I knew that Jesus was holding me in His arms. I knew that no matter how much I hurt, God would heal this wound. Just like He'd healed all my other ones.

There were so many times that God had rescued me. I remembered when my father passed away. I was a sad little five-year-old girl sitting on the floor by his favorite chair, just hoping he'd walk back through the door and sit in it. He always sat in that old dusty chair. And when he was comfortable, he reached for me and let me sit in his lap till I fell asleep.

I wasn't the only one who was sad. My mother had cried for two weeks straight. Her tears could have made a garden grow. She loved my daddy. Though I was young, I knew it. They hugged all the time.

She was angry with him, though, about a month after he was gone. She cried, “Why'd you have to go to the store in that storm? I told you I didn't need any wine. Dang it! You would still be here if you had just listened. Now you're gone and we have no money. I hate you.…I hate you.” My brother calmed her down and later she apologized to my dad at his grave. Yep, I had no doubt she loved him. Sadly, though, he'd be the only man she'd ever love. Or maybe though it was brief, at least she felt deep love once in her life.

I didn't know how I'd go on after my dad's death. I was sure I'd never be happy again. But God stepped in and worked everything out. Within weeks, I began to feel better and healed more every day, so I knew I'd be okay this time too. I was standing on His promise that He's the same God yesterday, today and forever.

I recited what I believed in my mind. I believed that God could do anything except fail. I believed that He would bring me the right man, the right job, the family I longed for. He would do all these things and more. I just had to be patient and understand His timing.

The Scriptures where Jesus had calmed a storm at sea when He was with His disciples came to my mind. He had uttered simple words: “Peace; be still.” I needed that miracle of peace to calm my storm.

By the time Yolanda's song ended, I was beginning to feel a part of the peace that I wanted. It was then that I decided not to go to Orlando. It didn't make sense to run to another city for comfort when I needed to run to Jesus. It was His serenity that I craved. Calmly I drove back to the church.

My eyes widened with surprise when I drove into the church's parking lot. It was still packed with cars. I had suspected that some people would still be here, but not this many.

I took a few deep breaths and then bravely got out of my car. I slowly walked up the steps, then inside toward the sanctuary. I stood at the wide doors, staring at my family and friends. They were hovering near the front, whispering. I could imagine their words of pity. My soiled wedding gown dripped water, forming a puddle on the carpet beneath me.

Tasha turned and saw me first. “Zoe!” she called out.

Everyone followed her gaze. There was a moment of stunned silence before they rushed to me, crowding around. My mother located a blanket, placed it around my shivering shoulders, then led me to a pew where I could sit down before my quivering knees gave way.

I could feel some of the peace that I asked God for, in the midst of my friends. I was surrounded by people who loved me, and I was glad I hadn't gone off to Orlando by myself.

“Is she okay?” I heard someone ask.

“I'll be fine,” I answered for myself. “What Devyn did was terrible. But you know what? It's better that he walked out today than after we got married.”

I paused. Heads nodded, while other people mumbled their agreement.

“Sure, things look bad right now,” I continued. “But I know my Lord will provide a way out of this. You see, Jesus and I aren't staying in the dark.”

The muttering of agreement got louder. For a moment, I thought my friends and family were going to cheer.

Feeling momentum, I stood up and repeated what I'd just said. “Jesus and I aren't staying in this darkness. We're just walking through some frightening thunder!”

Chapter 2

M
y brother brought one of my suitcases to me.

“Let me help you change,” Tasha said, and my mother nodded.

“No, I'm fine. I'll be out in a few minutes.”

I ducked into the rest room and slipped out of my ruined wedding gown into jeans and a sweater. When I looked in the mirror, I couldn't believe what I saw. My face was streaked with mascara, my eyes were swollen from my tears and my hair was a tangled mess. I washed my face, brushed my hair, then went back into the sanctuary, where people were taking down the decorations.

I could feel every eye watching me as I joined them. From all appearances, I was a woman who had overcome her adversity. With my words and actions, I assured everyone that Devyn wasn't going to get me down. I'd be just fine without him, thank you very much. I chatted, told a few jokes and helped to take down the decorations, which were supposed to adorn the happiest day of my life. I behaved as if I had accepted the realization that I wasn't going to be Devyn's wife.

But my outside did not match what was going on inside. My heart was breaking. How could I get over the man I'd loved for four years? True, we didn't have a perfect relationship, but I was ready to take it to the next level. I thought the love we shared was a bond that nothing or anyone could break.

But the realization that this wasn't true hurt deeply. Knowing that Devyn was—at this very moment—with someone else on the day we were supposed to be joined together as one was too much to take.

The overwhelming pain began to consume me. I knew I couldn't fake it any longer, but I had to do something. I didn't want everyone to see me collapse in agony.

Filling my voice with fake enthusiasm, I said, “You guys must be starving! Why don't you go to my mom's house and start on that banquet. Even though there wasn't a wedding, we can't take back the food, so we might as well have a party.”

I only said what they wanted to do anyway. It took a few moments, but everyone finally agreed, and people started walking out to their cars.

As Tasha walked to the back of her car, she asked, “Are you coming with us?”

“You go ahead,” I said as casually as I could. “I'll be there in a sec. I just want to get some more of these decorations into my car.”

Tasha stared at me for a moment, shrugged, then got into her car as I crammed another load of paper wedding bells and streamers into my backseat. I waited until the last car left, then returned to the empty sanctuary.

I climbed the stairs to the balcony and took a seat in the middle of the highest pew. No longer able to keep the pain locked in, I curled into a ball and burst into tears that had been held in too long.

“Why, Lord?” I cried out. “Why doesn't Devyn love me? I really want him, Lord. I really need him. Please work this out. I don't think I can walk through this world without him. God, I will do just about anything to keep that man. Tell me what I need to do. I love him so much!”

I rocked back and forth, my shattered heart weeping loudly to the Lord. “Are You there, Lord? Can You hear me? I'm hurting so bad!”

All of the thoughts I had earlier about just wanting God's peace were gone. The only solution I could see was getting back with Devyn and making our relationship work. Being Devyn Jackson's wife was my heart's desire, and I couldn't see it any other way. I didn't want to.

“Lord, if You love me,” I began, “give me the strength to do what I need to do to make this right.” I looked at the big wooden cross in the pulpit. I knew God heard my words. “Thank you for being here with me, Lord. I know You will make Devyn realize what a terrible mistake he made here today.”