A Love Undone (20 page)

“You think he’ll stay here and listen to me?” She didn’t care that she was discussing Van as if he weren’t right there. He’d pushed her too far by meddling in Ray’s life. “Nothing I say matters. I stopped being able to get through to him ten years ago.”

The horse whinnied, laying its ears back as it pranced nervously, trying to back away from her.

“It matters, Jolene.” Andy patted the animal’s neck reassuringly. “Even the horse can feel the quaking inside you. You say what needs to be said whether anyone else understands what you’ve done or why.”

The horse looked at her walleyed, as if frightened of her. She reached out to let him smell her hand, but he backed up. Andy was right. Even the horse could sense this fault line inside her where Van was concerned, an earthquake waiting to happen. She lowered her hand.

Andy gave a nod toward Van. Had Andy decided to stay to make sure Van didn’t walk away before she said her piece?

She turned to Van, and memories of all he’d forced her to live
with shook her. “Just taking my ground has never been enough for you, has it?”

“Kumm on, Jo. You have no cause to be this angry.”

“Your actions almost pushed Ray over that edge he’s been flirting with for at least a year.”

“Over the edge?” He pondered, hints of concern flicking across his face before his confident look returned. “How was I supposed to know that?”

“If you were part of the circle of family or friends, you would get it. As it is, it’s none of your business. Ray is my responsibility. Would you let your wife’s former boyfriend step in, take charge of a family matter, and enter into an agreement with your child—one that involved keeping an important secret from his guardian?”

“It’s not the same. I knew Ray for several years before we broke up. We were like family for a while.”

She gritted her teeth. “The difficulty of raising Ray was a large part of why you broke up with me. You had no right to interfere where Ray is concerned. If you can’t see that after all I’ve said, I really don’t know what else to say.”

“I … I was trying to protect Ray.”

“Ya, me too, but the problem is only one of us knew enough about the situation to do it justice. Why would you dare try, Van? Do you need redemption for prodding me to give up my siblings?”

“Maybe. When I look at my children, I see the bond between them and how vulnerable they are. Two of my children are close to the ages that Ray and Hope were when your parents died, and my words and actions from that time haunt me.”

“But you can’t meddle in our lives and behave as if you have rights in the Keim family because of some delayed remorse that’s nagging you!”

He removed his leather apron and hung it on a stob of a nearby support post. The horse snorted, tugging against the lead in Andy’s hand.

“Maybe I wouldn’t have lingering guilt if you didn’t carry such obvious anger toward me for the breakup.”

She fidgeted with the envelope of money he had yet to take from her. “It’s not the breakup that built a wall between us, Van. It was everything else you did. Since then I’ve never been sure if you are mean or just clueless.”

“Mean? I’ve admitted the timing stunk. I should’ve slowed down, but Donna understood. She eased my pain, and I fell in love.”

“And
that
I understood. But you did so much more. Tell me you’re aware of it.”

“If I’ve caused such offense, then by all means explain it.”

She looked at Andy. He gave a reassuring nod.

Jolene patted the horse, and Puzzle didn’t shy away from her this time. She felt the weight of stuffed emotions lifting from her heart. “You knew the church leaders were watching my every move to see if I was worthy of raising my siblings. The court system gave me guardianship, but if any Amish man or woman complained about me, the ministers could’ve caused trouble for me. They could have stirred enough controversy to prevent me from receiving supplemental support from anyone. They could have even gone so far as to remove my parental rights. You knew all that, but you invited me to
your wedding, making sure the church leaders knew. You did that because you were more interested in how you looked to the community than in what it would do to me to attend.”

Van drew a deep breath and held it a moment. “Some of the older men murmured against you for trying to fill the position of a man, but the rest of the community had you on a pedestal. They condemned me for walking away from the commitment I’d made with you. What harm was there in you being at the wedding for a few hours? It helped set the tone for the community to accept our breakup and my marriage to Donna.”

“The harm is you used me. You didn’t have that right when we were in love. You certainly didn’t have it once you broke up with me. But if that wasn’t bad enough, your wedding was on the third Tuesday of September—one year to the day after my parents died. Not the same date, but the same week and day of the week.”

Van’s brows knit. “I married on …” He grabbed his forehead, looking mortified. “I didn’t realize that. I should have, but I was so confused when they died. I barely knew my own name, let alone the week or day. I made sure I didn’t choose a wedding date in the same month as ours was supposed to be, and then it got so complicated about when certain relatives could come, and …” He closed his eyes.

Had he really been ignorant of the day? She didn’t believe him. He’d done too many other thoughtless, mean things. “You had a place to live and a better job in Ohio, so why choose to stay in Winter Valley? And the most absurd of all absurdity, you chose to live in my district. So which is it, Van? Are you that clueless or that mean?”

He stared at her, opening his mouth numerous times before words finally tumbled out. “I … I stayed in Winter Valley because I
wanted to be here if you needed anything. I knew you wouldn’t let me help overtly, but I thought if I could stay close enough, I would hear of the needs and could help behind the scenes.”

“You stayed to help me? Are you serious? Not only did I have to continue sitting with the unmarried youth after the time I should’ve been married, but I had to do so in front of your wife. And not many months later I watched as her belly grew with your child. You want me to believe you put me in that position for my benefit? You and Donna may believe whatever you wish, but the very idea that either of you thought of me is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard. If you’d wanted to make any of that easier for me, the least you could have done was move into a home that put you in a different church district.”

“You seemed fine, so I … I assumed—”

“You assumed wrong! We have church meetings in each other’s homes. When we women serve the men meals, there you are, time after time.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“Why, so I could give the church leaders cause to doubt I had the maturity to be the head of my home? Or so Donna would feel complete in having won? If you’d cared,
you
would’ve thought about something besides what you wanted.”

“I did, although I can see that it doesn’t look like it. I took the job of being a traveling blacksmith because it pays the best. Surely you know I have the reputation that I don’t dicker on prices. I insist on top money, so I have some to give—” He stopped short.

Did he add to the money her uncle gave her? Is that how her uncle had grocery money for her during those first five years when
everyone lived at home and feeding them cost more than she could make?

“Jolene, I …” He wiped his brow, looking lost and confused. “I should’ve talked to you and asked what you would have me do. I thought I knew best, and I did use your coming to the wedding to smooth ruffled feathers against me. Maybe guilt is why I gave to your uncle Calvin too. I … I don’t actually know my motivation now.” He picked up a file from the ground. “Tell me what to do to make it right. What do you want?”

She held out the money. “I want you to take this.”

He took it, turning it over as he peered down at the white envelope. “Is that all you want?”

She searched her heart concerning Van. They’d been young and trapped by grief, making mistakes left and right. If she hadn’t been so stubborn in her pride never to approach him with any kind of need again or so fearful of the possible backlash from the church leaders, she would’ve confronted Van about the wedding invitation and not gone, and she would’ve voiced her displeasure at his plan to live in the same church district.

They’d both been wrong—him in selfish actions, and her in prideful and fearful inactions. She forgave him, and she knew he wouldn’t interfere in her life again without asking her permission first. “It is.”

She didn’t have an answer concerning Ray and his job, but her final words, “it is,” seemed to lift untold weight from her, and she felt more free than she could have imagined.

Andy stood there in silent support. His thoughtful demeanor was wrapped in a kind of calm, and it called to her.
He
called to her.
Didn’t he have feelings for her too? His blue eyes didn’t reveal his thoughts, and she longed for them to go for a long walk and talk.

“It’s not all I want.” She studied Andy. Should she be embarrassed at all he now knew? She wasn’t. He could know anything about her life. “I want to get a phone again, and I want to wade in the creek until panicked thoughts float downstream with the water.”

Andy’s smile warmed her as he nodded. “As good as done.”

She stepped toward him, not intending for Van to hear the next part but not caring if he did. “And most of all I want you to ask me out.”

What?

Andy couldn’t feel his legs. If he budged, he was sure they’d buckle. His mouth went dry as he tried to force words out.
God, don’t make me have to tell her
. “Jo.” He barely heard the whisper above the pounding of his heart. Had he called her name, or had Van?

Andy glanced at Van. His shoulders slumped, and he seemed as dismayed and hurt for Jolene as Andy was. The man grimaced, a friendly regret of sorts, before he turned off the gas to the forge and walked away, leaving them alone.

Jolene stood there, a beauty of wide-eyed innocence. She wanted them to go out? It was an honor to know she thought so highly of him.

Confusion crept into her eyes. “Was that too bold?”

The world spun, and Andy took several deep breaths. He walked the horse to a post and tethered him. “Jolene.” He moved closer. Did she have to find out this way? “I … I thought you knew. You said …”
She’d said that she understood about his marital situation, that she’d asked Lester and he’d explained it. “Jo …” There was no easy way to say what had to be said, and he’d never hated the facts of his circumstances more than right now. “I’m married.”

Disbelief covered her face. “What?” Her eyes bore into him. “Lester said you’re a widower.”

His heart broke for her. For them.

“I’m a grass widower.”

“A what?”

“A grass widower. It means my wife left me.”

She seemed rooted in place as she shook her head.

He wished he could at least take her hand into his as he explained the situation. “She’s been gone since Tobias was three years old.”

Jolene finally took a breath, and then she fled into the misty rain.

He went after her. “Jolene, wait.”

But she kept going, hurrying along the fence line and away from the house and barns. Where was she going?

He chased after her. “I’m sorry. If I’d thought for one minute that you were confused about my marriage, I would’ve told you.”

She slowed, and he caught up to her. The rain had drizzled on them until they were drenched. “Married?” She didn’t try to hide her disappointment, and he knew he was looking at a woman he could build a rock-solid, happy life with … if he wasn’t married.

“It was a mistake to marry her. I knew Eva struggled to cope with life, but I believed I could help her. I wanted to rescue her, but all I did by marrying her was give her the ability to drag both of us under.”

“But you feel it too—the connection that runs between us?”

He hadn’t trusted his gut concerning Jolene. He had believed every feeling that crossed the line of appropriateness was his to contend with—not theirs. Glen had said she wouldn’t allow herself to be around a married man she was attracted to, and Andy had thought she knew he was married. In hindsight, he realized they both felt a growing bond between them. “Yes.”

“It’s not because we’re lonely. I’ve thought about it, and I know that’s not the reason.”

“I agree.” He wanted to wipe droplets of rain from her face and feel the warmth of her skin.

“I wish I didn’t know about her.” Tears filled her eyes. “Now …”

He knew the rest.
Now
they had to put distance between them. He could already feel her slipping away from him and closing the doors behind her. What could he say? Eva rarely felt real to him anymore, but whether he ever saw his wife again or not, he was a married man.

What had he done so wrong that he was required to pay with a lifetime of being chained to an empty marriage?

In a blur of movement, Jolene wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his chest. He could feel her hands tighten into fists, clutching the back of his shirt. He held her, tears stinging his eyes because he knew this was good-bye. No amount of arguing or clearing the air could change their situation.