A Moment of Weakness (18 page)

Jade tried desperately to stop the tears, but they came anyway.
What can I say to make him understand?
“Daddy, I’m an adult now. I’ll get a place of my own, and I won’t be in your way. But I need your help. I can’t go through this alone.”

Her father sneered at her. “You’ll get no help from me. You made your bed … now you can lay in it. Just like a pig in its slop. I won’t be respo’sible for your brat.”

Jade stared at her father, stunned. She had expected him to be angry, but this … There was no way around what he was telling her now. He wanted nothing to do with her. “Daddy, I’ll—”

“Get out! Get your things and leave. You’ve got yourself in grown-up trouble, Jade.” Her father was shouting, shaking in anger, and Jade feared he might hit her again. “Now be a grown-up and get out!”

Jade considered ignoring her father’s command, writing it off as something crazy spoken in a moment of intoxication. But then her father’s eyes locked onto hers, and in them she saw that no amount of time or circumstances could change the truth. He didn’t love her.

But I love you, my child. I know the plans I have for you.…

Jade blinked back the voice. If God loved her, he had a strange way of showing it. As for his plans … they had disappeared weeks ago in Tanner Eastman’s bedroom.

Her father took a step toward her, his fist raised again. “Get out!”

Jade wondered how she had lived with him this long. If he wanted her out, then she would leave. And whatever happened, she would not look back. Not ever.

She turned and went to her bedroom. In an hour she had stuffed all her worldly possessions into three pillowcases and an old suitcase. There wasn’t much. She hadn’t saved scrapbooks
from high school or photo albums of days gone by. There were a dozen mystery novels, a photograph of her in her mother’s arms when she was two, and a dozen journals and diaries. She had barely enough clothes and shoes to fill the suitcase. A few posters and knickknacks.

Everything Tanner had given her she placed in a small box. A dried rose, several cards including the one he’d given her their last night together. Two teddy bears, a gold bracelet, and a framed photograph of the two of them taken by a passerby one afternoon when they were at the river.

She looked over the collection and thought ahead fifteen years to a time when her child might treasure them—the only reminder of a father who never existed. But then she pictured Mrs. Eastman and her sickly sweet smile threatening to steal her child with a team of powerful lawyers if she dared tell the truth about who the baby’s father was.

She wasn’t afraid of her child’s eventual questions, but she was terrified of Mrs. Eastman’s threats and the hatred behind them. No one would ever find out Tanner was this baby’s father, even if she had to eradicate all signs of him from her life. Trash day was tomorrow. Folding the container so the contents would stay put, she carried it outside and pushed it deep inside the trash can.

Exactly where her box of dreams—and everything associated with Tanner Eastman—belonged.

When she was finished packing and loading her car, she found her father snoring on the sofa, two empty beer cans lying on the carpet below him. She studied him for a long moment and wondered if she should wake him and tell him good-bye. This would, in all likelihood, be the last time she stood in this living room, the last time she saw him.

But she was strangely unaffected.

She studied him one final time, his undershirt riding up on his belly, his workpants covered with week-old grease stains. She could hear his accusations as clearly as if he were still shouting at her.
You’re an idiot, Jade … worthless, just like your mother.…

Jade felt no connection whatsoever to the man lying before her.
He never loved me. Even in his sober moments
. He had felt guilt and remorse and inadequacy. But never love, Jade was sure of it. And she would not tell him good-bye. If this was how it felt to have a father, she was thankful her child would be spared.

Jade turned and without looking back she left, walking away from the house where she’d spent eleven years, and leaving all the sordid, sad memories that went along with it.

Later that evening, Buddy Conner woke up, belched loudly and rubbed his bare belly.
Stupid undershirt never stayed put
. He stood, moved his tongue along the inside of his pasty mouth, and tried to remember if there were any beers left in the refrigerator.

“Jade, get me a beer.” He waited but there was no response. “Jade!”

Then he remembered. She was pregnant and he’d told her to leave. He hadn’t really meant it. The girl could live here for a while, anyway. She was his daughter, after all. And he hadn’t exactly been surprised by her announcement; he’d always known she would wind up like her mother. He raised his voice. “Jade, get in here.”

His words echoed through the house, but there was no response. Buddy scratched his armpit and shuffled down the hall to Jade’s room. Posters were gone from the walls, and her closet was empty.

He shrugged. She was gone, but she’d be back when she figured out how hard it was living on the streets with a baby on the way. They could live with him, but if Jade thought he was going to raise the kid, she was in for a rude awakening.
No, sir, not Buddy Conner
. He was a busy man, and he had no intentions of raising some fatherless brat.

He huffed as he moved back down the hallway. He was a generous man, but he had to draw a line somewhere. The effects of a perpetual hangover pulsed at Buddy’s temples and he thought about getting a drink. But there was something he had to do first. Now that he was sober enough to concentrate and Jade wasn’t around.

He lumbered into his bedroom, pulled out his top dresser drawer and took out a bundle of three envelopes. Letters from that snobby neighbor boy, postmarked Hungary. Buddy carried the letters into the kitchen and ripped them into a dozen pieces. He may not have been a very good father—he may not have been a lot of things—but at least he’d kept these letters from Jade. Uppity kid like Tanner Eastman wanted one thing and only one thing from a girl like Jade. Well, he’d gotten what he wanted, but he wasn’t getting anymore. Buddy simply wasn’t going to stand by and watch the guy break his little girl’s heart.

He wadded up the torn pieces of the boy’s letters and tossed them in the kitchen trashcan where they settled unceremoniously on a pile of rotting spaghetti and beer-soaked cigarette ashes.

Jade would never know the difference.

D
RIVING SEEMED TO BE THE ANSWER AT FIRST
. S
HE HEADED TOWARD
1-5. “Where do I go, Lord? Where would you have me set up a home for this child? How can I ever make it alone?”

Tears streamed down her face as she drove, making it difficult to see. The windshield wipers swished out a rhythm, and the rhythm became taunting words in her head:
Whore, whore, whore, whore …

Every movement was another reminder. Jade blinked back her tears so she could see the road more clearly, but they continued to come. She had lost everything except the one thing no one would ever take away from her.

Jade placed her hand over her abdomen and massaged the area gently.
Stay safe, little one. Mommy’s here. Mommy’ll never, ever leave you, baby
. She realized that she would have to withdraw from fall classes at the college. She had more to think about than school. On her way out of town she stopped at Kelso General, and when she had collected herself, she went inside and informed the head nurse on the children’s unit that she was going to be gone for a while.

“Everything okay, Jade?” The woman looked concerned. “You look like you’ve been crying.”

For a moment she wanted to tell the old nurse everything, but then she stopped herself. There was no point making the staff at Kelso General think poorly of her. They would know soon enough. “I’ll be all right. I’ll let you know when I can come back.”

Before she left, she checked on Shaunie, who was back in the hospital with more kidney problems. But the child had been discharged earlier that day. It was fitting. There wasn’t anything keeping her in Kelso anymore.

She drove to the freeway, heading south toward Portland. Without realizing her plan, she exited west Highway 26, and two hours later she was at the beach. The rain came down in heavy sheets, and she pulled into the parking lot of a motel with a neon-lit sign that promised color TV and vacancies. The paint was peeling on the office door. She paid forty-two dollars cash and took her room.

A small table and chair sat by a narrow glass door overlooking a deserted highway and beyond that the ocean. She was too frightened to cry, too painfully aware of the truth. She was twenty years old, pregnant, without a friend in the world or medical benefits, and with barely enough money to get her through her pregnancy. What would she do then?

She thought about praying but changed her mind. It hadn’t helped her so far. If anything, it had brought her bad luck. Jade chastised herself for thinking that way It wasn’t bad luck, just a lack of connection with the Lord. God had saved her, but like her earthly father, he no longer seemed to want anything to do with her.

For I know the plans I have for you.…

Jade disregarded the thought. No, if she was going to find hope and a future out of this problem, she was going to have to find it herself. She sat back in the chair, motionless, allowing herself to sort through the possibilities. There were relatively few, really, and each of them involved single parenting, full-time daycare, state-provided medical treatment, welfare, and low-income housing. There were children who managed to do well under such circumstances.

Jade began to shiver.
Not my baby
.

The sun disappeared beyond the water and hours passed. Ten o’clock. Ten-thirty. Eleven. Still Jade sat, unmoving, desperately trying to think of a solution.

Then, just after midnight, the answer came. It was so obvious she didn’t know why she hadn’t thought about it before. As soon as she formulated the plan, she began to cry, her heart sinking like sand in an hourglass.
Is this it, Lord? My hope and future?

She didn’t wait for a response.
I don’t care; I’m doing this. It’s the only choice I have
.

The cost will be high
.

Jade squeezed her eyes shut, willing away the holy whispers that ricocheted about in the corners of her mind.
It’s my life
.

You were bought with a price
.

Jade’s crying grew harder, and she felt herself losing control. This time she answered out loud. “Stop! I have no choice.…”

No, my daughter, you do have a choice. I know the plans I have for you … plans to give you hope and a future
.

Jade covered her ears with her hands.
I have no hope, no future. She
wrapped her arms around her midsection.
I have to do this. Now, leave me alone!

Silence.

Jade waited, but the voice had stopped. God may not have wanted her to do the thing she was about to do. But he hadn’t provided any alternative, either. She thought about the plan and realized it was true, the cost would be high. Nothing less than her heart and soul. But if it meant protecting her child, it was a price she was willing to pay.

In return, her baby would never lack anything. There would be food and a warm bed and a mommy and daddy. What more could a child need? She fell asleep then, dreaming
of the infant inside her and whether he or she would have Tanner’s eyes or his tall, athletic frame.

The next day she checked out of the motel, drove to Portland, and got the directions she needed. At five o’clock she stood on the porch of a man she had never intended to track down.

“Well, well, well …” Jim Rudolph allowed his eyes to wander lazily over the length of Jade. “What a pleasant surprise. I always knew you’d come to your senses one day.” He leaned against the doorframe. “Tell me … have you changed your mind about my offer?”

Jade wanted to turn and run back to her car.
There’s no choice now. Think of the baby
. The voice didn’t seem like God’s, but it was the only one she could hear. She closed her eyes briefly. “Yes. May I come in?”

Jim opened the door wider, and without hesitation Jade walked inside. She would do anything for the child she carried. Even this. It didn’t matter. What she was about to do would never involve her heart. She would be kind, dutiful, pleasant. Grateful she had someplace to turn.

In exchange, Jade knew Jim would provide for her, shower her with attention, and treat her well. He would give her child a home and a name. Yes, Jim lacked the depth of character to ever love her the way Tanner had seemed to love her. No, she would never love this man. But she would be indebted to him forever.

That Saturday the two of them stood before a justice of the peace. And in ten minutes, Jade Conner became Jade Rudolph.

T
HE
V
IRGINIA SKY STRETCHED LIKE BLUE CANVAS OVER THE
Richmond Airport as Doris Eastman waited for her son to return from Hungary. She had missed Tanner. He was such a good, idealistic, young man, just what the country needed, perfect for public office. The way Doris saw it, she was willing to forgive him and move forward. Tanner had sowed his wild oats—first with the Conner girl and then with this trip to Hungary. There was still time between now and graduation to line up a political job. Still time for Tanner to come to his senses.

His connecting flight from New York was scheduled to arrive in five minutes, and Doris had to admit she was nervous. The issue with Jade would have to be handled delicately; Tanner must never know that his mother lied to protect him. Even so, Doris was worried about how Tanner would react when he heard the news about Jade.

Thoughts of the girl and her sudden wedding brought a smile to Doris’s face. When she’d first learned about it, she’d been unable to contain her elation. At least she didn’t have to lie to Tanner. Jade had taken care of the problem herself.