A Mother for Matilda (11 page)

Cindy sniffed. ‘Okay, then. I’ll just go and throw a few things in a bag.’

Five minutes later, with Cindy and Jayden secured on the stretcher in the back of the ambulance, Vic started up the ambulance. Lawson, who’d taken over as Patient Care Officer to administer the adrenaline, applied the paediatric nebuliser mask to his little patient’s face as Vic pulled into the street.

Vic heard the little boy’s protests at the confines of the mask and the noise made by the flow of oxygen. She could hear Lawson’s low murmurings as he distracted and cajoled Jayden into keeping the mask on, and she adjusted her rear-view mirror so she could surreptitiously watch him in action.

For a guy who was an enigma most of the time he could certainly be animated when he wanted to be. She’d seen that in his interactions with Matilda and now with Jayden. He was rarely that way with her and she’d known him for ever. She watched as he handed over his pen to the little boy and the notebook he kept in his
breast pocket. A grin split his face as Jayden obviously took to the offering with gusto.

Lawson really was a sight to behold when he smiled. The neutrality of his features was totally transformed. The craggy planes softened, the tautness disappeared, the grey of his gaze changed from watchful to warm. He looked relaxed and at ease. And very, very desirable.

Lawson’s gaze met hers in the rear-view mirror. The smile he’d been sharing with Cindy died a quick death and a shutter came down as the watchfulness returned. Vic looked away, concentrating on the road, his need to hide himself from her hurting more than his rejection.

Lawson looked away too. He’d managed to forget about their indiscretion for a few minutes as he’d focused on Jayden, but it all came crashing back again. Her mouth, the huskiness of her voice, how her naked breasts had felt against his chest. How could they work together when every time he looked at her all he could think about was the perfection of her body?

He was a professional, for God’s sake. So was she. And she deserved to be treated like one. Not as some object of desire. Up until recent months in their working relationship he’d thought of her as a paramedic first and a woman second. Which was as it should be. But he knew he couldn’t go back now.

He was always going to see her as a woman first.

It actually ended up being past midnight by the time they got back to the station. A baby post-ictal from a febrile convulsion, an overdose of sleeping tablets and a suspected stroke kept them on the hop transporting all three patients to the mainland hospital.

Lawson made her a cup of coffee and plonked it down in front of her at the staffroom table. He pulled up a chair opposite and sat. ‘Before I leave in the morning I’m going to request a new partner.’

Vic was so startled she sloshed her coffee all over the table. ‘What?’ Whatever she’d been expecting, it hadn’t been this.

‘I think you heard me the first time.’

‘But…why?’ she spluttered. Their personal stuff aside, she didn’t want to work with anyone else.

Lawson shot her an impatient look. ‘I would have thought that was obvious.’

‘I think that’s a slight overreaction, Lawson.’

‘Victoria. We almost slept together.’

Vic felt heat rise in her face. ‘
Almost
being the operative word.’

Lawson pushed back his chair and stood up. ‘Victoria, do you think the degree matters?’

Well, obviously not to him
. But it sure as hell mattered to her. Being left high and dry in a highly aroused state mattered a lot. Her body had ached, throbbed, for him ever since. Her dreams had been haunted by their kisses and she’d woken each morning with a fire roaring out of control deep down low. Even looking at him now at his most distant and forbidding she wanted to reach out and touch.

She took a steadying breath. ‘I think it does if you’re talking about busting up a highly successful team, especially when we’ve only got sixty-five days remaining until we split anyway.’

‘Maybe now’s the perfect opportunity for it. I was always going to get a new partner when you left anyway.
This will just be moving it forward slightly. Give me an adjustment time.’

‘And what the hell do I do for the last couple of months while you’re adjusting? It makes no sense for me to be partnered with someone new for such a short period of time and you know it.’

Lawson sighed. He did know it. ‘Yes, you’re right. But what happened between us changes everything, Victoria. It was wrong. I should never have let it get out of hand. It was a mistake.’

Inexplicably, the barb hurt and she clutched her mug hard while she took a moment to recover from its impact. A moment in which she realised that was what all this was about. Lawson Dunlop didn’t make mistakes. Not since he’d been sixteen and a mistake had nearly killed him. All she was going to be from now on was a painful reminder of their indiscretion. Their
mistake
. Day after day.

‘Well, guess what? We’re grown-ups. And grown-ups just have to live with their
mistakes
and get on with it.’

Lawson shut his eyes and turned away from her. He wandered over to the window that overlooked a large parkland area. ‘You don’t get it.’

Vic watched the breadth of his shoulders. Admired the way his overalls fitted glove-like around his magnificent physique. Framed against the window, he looked such a lonely figure and she was standing before she knew it, her feet moving towards him before she could question the wisdom of it.

She drew level with him, her hands wrapped around her mug. She looked out over the view for a moment or two, took a sip of her coffee and said, ‘So explain it to me.’

‘Do you know what I was thinking about tonight at every job we did?’

She glanced at his stern profile, his jaw clenching reflexively. ‘I’m guessing it wasn’t D,R,A,B,C?’

Lawson gave a half-smile at her attempt to lighten the mood. Then the reality of what he had been thinking about returned. He daredn’t look at her as he gathered the courage to be frank.

‘I was thinking about your kiss, and your smell and the way you make that moaning noise at the back of your throat when you’re turned on and how perfect your breasts are and how much I wished I hadn’t been noble and just lay you on the couch and had my way with you.’

Vic felt heat flare from her toes and scorch a path right up to her face. She gripped the mug hard, clamping her lips together as a moan fought to escape. His words stoked the fire that had been smouldering since he’d rejected her the other night.

She swallowed. ‘Oh.’

Lawson nodded grimly. ‘Yes. Oh.’ He turned to face her and put his hands on her shoulders, holding them firmly. ‘Even now I want to push you hard against this window and kiss you until you’re moaning into my mouth.’

Catching his breath with difficulty, Lawson let go of her shoulders, and turned back to face the view again, firmly crossing his arms across his chest.

Vic reached for the window sill as she swayed forward when he released her. She wanted to kiss him so badly now everything in front of her was a red haze. She was trembling and her pelvic floor responded shamelessly to his blatant description.

‘I can’t afford to be thinking about this on the job,
Victoria. Putting aside the whole other issue of our long association and how it impacts that, it’s just not appropriate. Not when I should be thinking about things like danger and the ABCs. It’s not safe. I should be focusing on what I’m doing, not on what you look like out of your uniform.’

He was right. She knew he was. But his husky voice was taking her back, trailing verbal fingers over her skin like the silken caress of cobwebs.

With a mammoth effort she pulled her mind away from the contractions of her internal muscles to the most pressing issue coming from his decree. ‘How exactly are you going to explain that to my father?’

Lawson sighed. Victoria had put her finger directly on the problem. Bob Dunleavy, his old mentor and dear friend, wasn’t going to be fooled by any old explanation.

‘Are you going to tell him we made out? On his couch?’

Lawson hadn’t quite figured that out yet. He didn’t know how to tell Bob, the man who’d shown him how to be a man, that he’d been fooling around with his daughter. The daughter Bob had entrusted him with.

From the minute Victoria had taken an interest in the opposite sex, Bob had wanted all of them dead. And while he might not have been a horny teenager after only one thing, he wasn’t sure Bob would see the difference.

And he didn’t think he could bear to see the disappointment in the older man’s eyes. Bob’s faith and trust in him meant a lot to Lawson. Bob Dunleavy had been more of a role model to him than his own father had ever been. He didn’t want to lose the man’s respect. Losing his own had been bad enough.

‘He won’t be happy about splitting us up and you know it, Lawson. Unless you’re prepared to tell him the
truth, he’s not likely to even agree. Not with my departure so close.’

Lawson nodded. Unfortunately Victoria was right.

But he didn’t see any way out of it. He owed Bob one-hundred-per-cent honesty. ‘Then it looks like he gets the truth.’

Vic screwed her face up, not quite believing what she was hearing. ‘Are you kidding? He’ll have apoplexy,’ she spluttered. ‘His blood pressure will hit the roof and he’ll probably stroke out.’

While Bob was hardly the healthiest specimen of manhood, Lawson did feel that was a slight exaggeration. ‘I’m not going to lie to him, Victoria.’

Vic put her hand on his arm. ‘I don’t want my father knowing my personal business.’

‘When we crossed the line, we made it his business.’ He turned away from the window and moved back to the table, her hand falling away.

Vic looked out of the window for a moment as a helpless feeling of things spinning out of control enveloped her. She couldn’t believe that only five days ago her life had been on track. Now a whole other dazzling world had been opened up to her for a brief moment and then the door had been firmly shut in her face again and things just weren’t the same since.

She needed to get back control
.

Vic straightened her spine and marched back to the table. ‘I don’t want to be palmed off to a new partner in my last two months at the station. Let’s make a pact.’ She stuck her hand out. ‘Let’s agree to pretend what happened didn’t. Let’s go back to what we were before. Strictly partners.’

Lawson glanced at her hand, then up into her face. He shook his head. The memory of what happened the other night was going to fuel his dreams till the day he died. ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to say. There’s a thing between us now. Our relationship has changed irretrievably. We can’t go back. What happened the other night…that’s all we’ll be able to think about while we’re out there.’

Vic left her hand out. ‘Speak for yourself,’ she said calmly. ‘I’m a professional. Taught by you. Another professional. I hide lots of things on the job. My distaste for men who assault women. My annoyance with people who ring up for an ambulance who just need a Band-Aid. My dislike of Saturday-night drunks. We can do this. I know we can.’

‘Victoria.’

The exasperation in his voice was mildly arousing and she quashed the thought as further proof she could put this stuff between them aside. She pulled up a chair beside him and placed her hand on his forearm. She looked into his eyes even though she felt too exposed.

‘Please, Lawson. I don’t want to have to spend the next two months with someone I don’t respect as much as you or having to explain to all and sundry why we’re not partners any more.’
Least of all her father
.

Lawson could feel himself wavering. This close he could smell the same perfume she wore the other night and it triggered another potent memory.

‘Come on, Lawson, all we have to do is make a concerted effort. Yes, it’ll probably be awkward at first but we’ve got twenty years of history between us before this.’ God knew, she’d kept her crush a secret for all that
time. ‘All I’m asking is that you put up with me for another two months. Compartmentalise what happened and lock it somewhere at the back of your head. That’s what I’m going to do. You’re a strong person, Lawson. If anyone can do it, you can.’

He was strong. He knew that and, sure, she was probably right, he could do it. But what if he didn’t want to? With a new partner he wouldn’t have to compartmentalise anything and when she left for distant shores in a couple of months what was in his head wouldn’t matter.

‘I’ve never asked you for any special favours or considerations. Ever. But I am asking for this.’

That was true—she hadn’t. She’d taken what he’d thrown at her and never questioned him or shirked her responsibilities on the job. She’d been an excellent paramedic and a perfect partner. ‘Okay.’ He moved his arm so hers slipped off.

Vic grinned at him on a surge of relief. ‘Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.’

‘But at the first sign this isn’t working, for either of us, I’m pulling the plug.’

Vic nodded wildly. ‘It’ll work. I promise.’

Lawson wasn’t so sure as she leapt from her seat to make them another coffee and his gaze travelled straight to the contours of her butt.

It had only been a few seconds and already he was compartmentalising like crazy.

‘H
EY
,
Vic, how many days now?’

Vic smiled at Carl and his partner, who were vacating the lunch table as they sat down. It was the first time she’d seen the other team working the same shift with them. She and Lawson had been called to an incident as soon as they’d come on so there’d been no time to chat with the other crew.

‘Thirty.’ She grinned. Even though all the excitement had gone for her. It was more about relief now. Only thirty more days to put up with the polite civility that had become her relationship with Lawson.

‘Where are you off to?’ she asked, her heart sinking that she would be left alone with Lawson. She’d been hoping for a buffer.

‘To the nursing home. Ninety-year-old female, suspected fractured neck of femur.’

‘You guys going to the pub after work tonight?’ she asked hopefully. It was a weekly ritual, one that Vic had quickly embraced. Being the only female at the station, she’d felt the need to integrate. To be one of the boys.

‘Sure.’ Carl nodded. ‘It’s Saturday, isn’t it? You want to join us?’

She slid a glance Lawson’s way. He was munching on a sandwich, reading the paper. ‘Why not?’

‘Lawson?’ Carl asked.

‘No, thanks.’ Being a single father made it hard to socialise. But his daughter had always come first and as far as Lawson was concerned it was no sacrifice.

Vic felt her mouth tighten as Lawson didn’t even bother to look up from the paper. Given that he rarely joined them it was no surprise, but he could have at least acknowledged Carl.

The other crew left and Vic went to the fridge and retrieved her lunch. She sat opposite Lawson, who didn’t look up when she joined him. She reached for the latest gazette that was on the table and feigned interest in it.

The last month had been difficult. More difficult than she’d first appreciated. Compartmentalising was easy for her—she’d had five years of practice with her crush. But it obviously hadn’t been so simple for Lawson. He’d become distant—emphasising his already famous reserve further—and businesslike, careful not to share any of himself other than what was required from him professionally.

They didn’t venture out of the station during their breaks to eat somewhere picturesque and interesting anymore. Eating at the station usually guaranteed someone was around. They didn’t hang out with Matilda in the afternoons if the pager allowed. He hadn’t asked her to babysit.

In fact anything that put them alone together any more than necessary he’d avoided like the plague. When she’d ventured a complaint a few weeks back he’d given her a
direct look and said it was the way it had to be. He’d sounded so detached she lost the nerve to push him further.

Her father had noticed the difference in Lawson and had asked her if everything was okay. Vic had assured him everything was fine and hoped her father hadn’t detected the flush to her cheeks at the blatant lie.

‘You’re going out with Carl?’

Vic stopped eating mid-chew. It was so rare for him to address her these days other than the minimum required during cases she almost fell off her chair. He hadn’t looked up from the paper but he’d still initiated a conversation. A non-work-related one to boot. ‘Sure.’

Lawson had been battling with himself to stay quiet. He’d read the same sentence in the paper about fifty times. Who Victoria chose to go out with was none of his business.
But Carl
? ‘You do know Carl is an incorrigible flirt? He prefers to play the field.’

Vic gaped at him.
What the hell did he care
? ‘So?’

Her dismissal grated. Was that what she wanted? Did she want to make a fool of herself with Casanova Carl in her last weeks on the island? The thought of Victoria letting the other man touch her made him want to break things. In London, she could do what she wanted—he wouldn’t have to see it or hear about it. Could he bear to watch it right beneath his nose?

Lawson shrugged with what he hoped was nonchalance as he concentrated on the print in front of him. ‘I didn’t think you were that kind of girl.’

Vic felt an eruption of suppressed emotions from the last month explode inside her. She narrowed her eyes and snatched the paper out of his grasp. ‘What kind of girl?’

Forced to look up, Lawson was surprised to see the
fire in her whiskey gaze. ‘To let a bit of flirting go to your head.’

‘I’m young and single, Lawson,’ she goaded. ‘It’s supposed to go to my head.’

‘Yes, but Carl is only likely to offer you a quick fling.’

‘Well, maybe I need a quick fling, Lawson. Personally I think I’m ripe for one.’ God knew, she was so frustrated she could scream.

Lawson felt her comment punch him low in the gut. If she was ripe it was because he’d primed her and he was damned if Carl was going to benefit. ‘I just think it’s a bad idea to get involved with a colleague’

Vic felt an irrational urge to launch herself at him. Whether it would end up with her shaking him senseless or kissing his lips off, she wasn’t entirely sure. All she knew was she trembled just below her skin with a suppressed emotion that she didn’t want to examine too closely.

‘So, let me get this straight,’ she said, breathing slow and deep to stop from screeching like an irrational female. ‘You don’t want me, but you don’t want Carl to want me either?’

God. Lawson cringed inside. It sounded totally screwy. But she was right. Carl. Some random guy on a job. The entire male population of the British Isles. He wasn’t particularly fussy.
Jeez. What was wrong with him
?

One thing he knew for sure: this conversation had fraught written all over it and he needed to back away. Should never have let the green-eyed monster goad him into starting it in the first place. ‘I think this is a totally inappropriate conversation to be having at work.’

The steam finally found an escape and she leapt to
her feet, her chair scraping back and falling to clatter on the ground behind her. ‘Damn it, Lawson. Don’t do this. Don’t retreat on me now. Answer the bloody question.’

Lawson was surprised at her outburst. She’d seemed so calm over the last month, coping much better with their mutually agreed upon amnesia than he had. He knew he’d been a total pain in the butt and his forced reserve had both annoyed and hurt her. But it was the only way he could deal with what had happened between them and continue to work together.

Their pagers beeped and he’d never been more grateful to hear the noise in his life.
Saved by the bell.

‘Damn it!’ Vic swore as she wrenched hers off her belt and contemplated throwing it across the room.

‘Fifty-six-year-old male. Central chest pain, diaphoretic, S.O.B. Query M.I.’

Vic followed the message with her own gaze as Lawson read it off. She got to the address and map coordinates, the small printing leaping out at her. She looked at him dazedly. ‘That’s my place.’

Lawson frowned and scrolled down to the address. Yes, it was. He looked at her. ‘Let’s go.’

Vic, unable to move, stared at the message. Her father? Could her father be having a heart attack?

‘Victoria!’

Lawson’s voice cracked across the room, yanking her out of her paralysis, and she scurried after him, a host of awful scenarios tumbling through her brain. She climbed in the truck and buckled up as Lawson screeched out of the garage. She pulled her mobile off her belt and her fingers shook as she punched in her home number.

She chewed on her bottom lip as she waited for it to pick up. ‘It’s not answering.’

‘Who’s home?’

‘Just Josh. Ryan’s out with some mates.’

Lawson groaned. Ryan would have been more likely to keep it together than sensitive Josh. ‘He probably doesn’t want to leave your father to answer the phone,’ Lawson assured her.

Vic nodded. ‘I guess.’ She pushed the end button. A rush of emotion swelled in her chest. Could her father really be having a heart attack? Pictures of patients they’d lost on scene to myocardial infarction flicked through her head.

She turned to Lawson. ‘Oh, God, what if…?’ She stopped, her voice cracking.

‘No.’ Lawson shook his head and gave her a hard look before returning his gaze to the road. ‘Don’t go there, Victoria. I’m going to need you. When we get there, I’m going to need you. If he is having an M.I., I don’t need to tell you how critical that makes him or all the things that can go wrong. I’m going to call for back-up but until then it’s going to be just you and me and, I’m sorry, you don’t get to be a daughter right now. You’re going to have to be strong for Josh and I’m going to need you to help me save his life.’

Vic blanched, shying from his demands. She couldn’t do what he was asking of her. She couldn’t. Just thinking about what might greet them was causing a massive lump in her throat. She didn’t want to see her father grey and in pain. ‘But…’

Lawson shook his head again. ‘No buts.’ He gave her hand a quick squeeze. ‘You can do this. You’ve done it a hundred times. I need you. Your dad needs you.’

Vic swallowed past the painful lump of emotion that was battling to find an outlet. It hurt and her eyes burned. She sucked in a breath and nodded. ‘Okay.’

Lawson waited for her affirmation and immediately radioed Coms. ‘Coms this is nine six zero. Please note the patient to which we have been sent is Bob Dunleavy, OIC of Brindabella Station. Am responding with Victoria Dunleavy. Please send back-up ASAP.’

Lawson knew the coms centre would be able to read between the lines. One of their own was down and his daughter was having to attend. He knew they’d send every resource available.

Josh, who had obviously heard the siren, was waiting at the door when Lawson pulled into the drive. Victoria didn’t even wait for the van to fully stop before jumping from the vehicle and running to her brother.

Josh’s face crumpled. ‘Vic, he’s bad.’

She gave him a fierce hug, wishing she could make it all better for him as she could when he’d been little. ‘It’s okay, Joshy, we’re here now.’ She caught his hand and dragged him inside with her.

‘Dad?’

He was on the couch and Victoria gasped as she crouched beside him and reached for his hand. It was cool and clammy against the warmth and dryness of hers and her anxiety increased another notch. He looked exactly like every heart-attack patient she’d ever known: grey, perspiration running down his face, rubbing at his chest.

‘Lawson,’ she called, trying to keep the panic out of her voice as she smiled at her father.

‘He’s going to be all right? Isn’t he, Vic?’

‘Of course…going to be…fine,’ Bob puffed and sent his son a weak smile.

‘Don’t talk, Dad,’ Vic murmured as Lawson entered laden with equipment.

‘Bob,’ he said. ‘Always wanting to be the centre of attention.’

Bob gave a half-smile. ‘Got some GTN?’

Lawson nodded. ‘Absolutely.’ Giving the drug used to dilate coronary arteries was governed by strict protocols but he wasn’t about to question his old mentor’s clinical judgement. If anyone knew what having an M.I. looked like it was Bob. And the evidence of his own eyes confirmed the diagnosis. If Bob Dunleavy weren’t having a cardiac event, he’d give up his stripes.

‘Hook him up,’ he said to Victoria as he reached for the medication pack.

Vic felt all fingers and thumbs as she went through the motions she could usually do with her eyes shut. But sticking dots to her father’s chest was so much more personal. Watching as the ECG trace revealed massive ST elevation, indicating cardiac ischaemia, was utterly sickening.

Placing an oxygen mask, wrapping a cuff around his arm and taking his blood pressure, putting a sats peg on his finger, witnessing Lawson spray the GTN under his tongue—it was all too close.

She could hear Josh’s low whimpering in the background and it tore at her professional veneer. She was the big sister—she fixed things; she’d always fixed things. From homework to a disappointing test result, from a severed finger to a falling out with a friend. But she didn’t know if she could fix this.

Lawson viewed the monitor with a sinking feeling. Bob was in trouble. They needed to get him to hospital ASAP. He needed a special drug to help dissolve the blockage that was restricting his coronary blood flow and he’d probably need some kind of surgical intervention.

He gave Bob an aspirin to chew. ‘I’ll get the trolley, Bob. We need to get you to hospital.’

Bob, too short of breath to talk effusively, just nodded and said, ‘Hurry.’

Vic felt her father’s plea slam straight into her gut. She squeezed her father’s hand and said, ‘It’s okay, Dad. We got you now. We’re not going to let anything happen to you.’

Her father smiled at her, squeezed her hand and then grimaced as a loud moan tore from his throat.

‘Dad!’ Josh’s voice cracked with emotion as Bob clutched at his chest.

Vic’s own heart hammered in her chest as she watched the trace on the ECG deteriorate into VF. ‘Get Lawson,’ she instructed her brother as her father slumped forward. ‘Now.’

Josh ran as instinct came over Vic and she pushed her father back, delivering a pre-cordial thump directly to the centre of his chest. The monitor rhythm remained unchanged and for a second she let helplessness engulf her.

‘Victoria! Get him on the ground.’

She looked up to see Lawson striding towards her and it was just the slap in the face she needed. She leapt to her feet and grabbed his legs at the same time Lawson reached them and he grabbed Bob’s torso and they lowered him to the ground.

Lawson depressed the button on his radio. ‘Coms,
this is nine six zero, CPR in progress.’ He took his finger off. ‘Josh, move the coffee table. Give us some room. Victoria, do compressions while I hook him up to the defibrillator.’

Victoria didn’t even hesitate, just responded to his commands as she always did on the job. She put her hands in the centre of her father’s chest and pushed down rhythmically as she’d done a hundred times before. She tuned out Josh, who was now sobbing, tuned out whose flesh it was beneath the flats of her palms, and counted.

But as she shifted her hands to allow for Lawson to place the defib pads she made the fatal mistake of looking down, seeing her father’s still, grey face looking back at her, his mouth slack beneath the mask and pulling into a grimace with every downward pump to his chest.