A Place of His Own (3 page)

He only wished that were true. “
Nee.
I came back.”

“I see that.” She tilted her head in the direction of the mare's stall. “I heard your horse whinnying. Is he all right?”

“
She
should be fine.” He shined the light toward the stall. Everything seemed in order. “Probably getting used to her surroundings.” He could certainly relate. He looked back at Amanda. “She's okay.”

“
Gut
.”

They stood there for a moment in the dark barn as he held her small flashlight between them. The light cast her face in shadows, but he could still make out her features. She had changed a lot since he'd last seen her, when they were both fourteen. Even then she had been pretty, a fact that had struck him full force the year he turned twelve. But the word hardly did her justice now. Her eyes were large and round, her nose small and pert, and her lips full and lovely. Unable to help himself, he took in the rest of her slender frame, immediately noticing she had become a beautiful woman.

He turned away, not liking one bit the unstoppable attraction flowing through him. Despite his efforts, he'd never gotten over his boyhood crush, one he had kept a secret from everyone, especially her. Even at that time he knew he was tainted.

“Josiah?” she said, stepping toward him. She put her hand on his arm. “Please don't be upset with me. I'm sorry. You're right, I shouldn't have been snooping. I didn't mean to make you mad.”

Now that was the Amanda he remembered. A people pleaser through and through, always worried about other people's feelings, never wanting them to be uncomfortable or, God forbid, angry.

He looked at her, eager to give reassurance. “It's all right, Mandy. I reckon I should have let your parents know I was here. Didn't mean to scare you, either.”

She grinned, and his heart skipped several beats.
Not a good sign
.

Slipping her arm through his, she guided him away from the stall. “You must come over and see them right now. I know they'll be happy to see you, just as I am. Your father can come too.”

“He's not here.”

“Oh. Is he coming later?”

“
Nee
.”

“Okay. Well, then you can tell us where you've been all these years.” She looked up at him. “I'm dying to know.”

But he wasn't dying to tell her. In fact, he didn't want to explain anything to her or her parents or anyone else in Paradise. But that wasn't realistic. People would have questions, and they would want answers. He would tell them a few things, enough to satisfy their curiosity, but no more than that. Better to let the past stay buried.

He glanced down at her arm in his. Amanda had always been demonstrative, a stark contrast to many of the Amish, who were much more reserved. Her walking arm in arm with him seemed so natural, just as it had when they were kids. His life in Paradise up until the day his mother died had been carefree and happy, and Amanda Graber had a lot to do with that.

“I made chocolate chip cookies yesterday,” she said as they exited the barn. “We can have some cookies and milk and catch up on old times.”

Reluctantly he stepped away from her. “
Nee
, I can't. Not tonight.”

Disappointment seeped into her eyes. “Then maybe tomorrow. I'll let
daed
know you're here. I'm sure he'll want to talk to you.”

He nodded, remaining noncommittal. “It's been a long day, and I just got here a couple hours ago.”

“Of course. I'm sure you had a long trip from . . .” She hesitated. When he didn't respond, she simply shrugged and smiled. “Josiah, I'm so glad you came back home.” Whirling around, she started to walk away, then called over her shoulder, “See you tomorrow!”

He watched as she headed for her house, a house nearly as familiar to him as his own. The glow of gas lamps burned like welcome beacons through several of the windows on the bottom floor. He'd spent many hours inside, sharing lunches and dinners with Amanda and her parents, who treated him like their own child.

For the first time since he'd stepped back in Paradise, his mind opened to the pleasant memories from his childhood. His life hadn't always been a living nightmare.

Only after Amanda had gone inside did he glance down and realize he still held her flashlight. He thought about returning it. He could imagine her inviting him inside and his being enveloped by the warmth of a family who cared about each other and also cared about him. His soul ached for that, yet he knew he would never have it. He couldn't. Just like he couldn't walk the hundred yards or so to Amanda's house. Not tonight.

Because if he did, he would never want to leave.

Amanda practically floated up the stairs to her bedroom. She couldn't believe Josiah Bontrager had come back to Paradise! She also couldn't believe how much he had changed. Her last memories of Josiah were of a scrawny boy who had a crackly voice and was at least three inches shorter than she.

He certainly wasn't that scrawny boy anymore. Josiah had grown into a tall, fit man with a deep, smooth voice she could listen to all day. Even in the low light of her flashlight, she could see how handsome he'd become.

Her flashlight. She had forgotten to get it back from him. For a brief moment she considered walking back to retrieve it, but she decided not to. He seemed eager to go inside his house. He looked tired, weary even, and she didn't want to bother him again. Besides, she would see him tomorrow. Then she'd not only get her flashlight back but find out where he had been all these years.

Slipping the bobby pins out of her
kapp
, she removed it and laid it on her dresser, then opened the drawer and pulled out her nightgown. She had her own room, another added benefit to being so much older than her siblings. Small, but the perfect size. She didn't need much space.

After she put on her nightgown, she knelt beside her bed and said her evening prayers. Once she finished, she slipped between the cool sheets and pulled the green-and-white basket-patterned quilt over her body. Despite the fatigue from putting in a long day of work, helping her
mamm
with the children and chores, she still couldn't get Josiah out of her mind.

Obviously he had changed physically, but she sensed something else different about him, something intangible and mysterious. She smiled in the darkness. Tomorrow she would find out exactly what that was. She rolled on her side and hugged the extra pillow she couldn't sleep without, Josiah Bontrager still filling her mind.

“Josiah Bontrager's back,” Amanda announced as she bounced into the kitchen the next morning.

Her
mamm
paused as she pulled nine white plates out of the cabinet, a surprised expression on her face. “He is?”

“
Ya
.” Amanda took the plates from her
mamm
and started setting the table. “Last night while I was outside, I heard a sound coming from the Bontragers' barn. When I went inside, I saw a horse in one of the stalls.”

“Really?”

“
Ya
. Then Josiah came up behind me. Practically scared me to death at first, but I was so happy to see him I didn't care.”

“You shouldn't be nosing around someone else's property, Amanda. Especially by yourself.”
Mamm
gave her a somber look as she cracked an egg into a skillet on top of the propane stove.

Amanda smirked. “He said the same thing.”

Rachel yawned as she entered the room with Hannah. “Who's ‘he'?”

“Josiah.” At that point the kitchen filled with children, some wide awake and full of energy, others still dragging. Amanda scooped up Jacob in her arms before Thomas accidentally trampled him.

“Who's Josiah?” Hannah asked.

“The young man who used to live next door.”

“You mean someone actually lived there?” Andrew said. “In that dump?”

“Thomas, come butter the toast,”
Mamm
said, scooping the fried eggs onto a platter. “Andrew, that's not nice. Josiah and his
daed
moved away nine years ago.”

“Ten,” Amanda corrected, helping her younger siblings get settled at the table. “Josiah moved away ten years ago,
Mamm
.”

Just as she went to pick up the platter of cooked eggs, her father walked into the room, pulling his black suspenders over his shoulders. “Did I hear you mention Josiah?”

Amanda grinned.
“Ya, Daed
. He's back. Came in sometime yesterday.”

Daed
looked at her. “How do you know that?”

“I saw him last night. For just a few minutes.”

“Was he alone?”

“David,”
Mamm
said in a low voice.

Amanda didn't miss the look that passed between her parents, but she thought she should answer her father's question. “I think so. He didn't say anything about his
daed
.”

Daed
nodded and sat down at the table.

When everyone finished eating and her father left for work, Amanda picked up Jacob out of his high chair. “I invited Josiah over,
Mamm.
I thought you would like to see him again.”

“Hannah, it's your turn to clear the table.”
Mamm
looked up at Amanda as Hannah began to remove the dirty dishes. “Of course I want to see him. So would
Daed
. He was like a
sohn
to us, and a brother to you.”

Amanda's face reddened. What would her mother say if she knew that last night her thoughts about Josiah Bontrager had been anything but sisterly?

“When is he coming over?”
Mamm
asked, slowly rising from the chair. She laid her hand over her swollen belly.

“I don't know.”

Jacob squirmed in Amanda's grasp, and she set him down, watching him as he toddled over to the living room to the large toy box in the corner. Flipping open the lid, he bent over, his head disappearing inside the box as he searched for his toys.

“Josiah didn't say. We didn't talk very much. He seemed pretty tired. I thought I might take some lunch over to him, if we don't see him before then.”

“I'm sure he would appreciate it. Now, if you could start the wash for me, Amanda . . . It's such a nice, breezy day. The clothes should dry quickly on the line. Get Rachel to help you.”

Amanda nodded and searched for Rachel. She found her sister swinging outside while Andrew and Thomas chased each other into the woods. As she breathed in the fresh spring air and let the warmth of the sun seep into her skin, she agreed with her
mamm
. The Lord had blessed them with a beautiful day. Before long autumn would end and winter would set in, and days like this would be a memory.

An hour later she and Rachel were putting the second load of laundry on the line that stretched between the house and the barn, when she saw Josiah emerge from his house. He stood on the back stoop and leaned backward, stretching. She couldn't help but stare at him. Even though he stood some distance away, she could see him clearly enough, more clearly than she had in the dim light of the barn last night. He didn't have his hat on, and she took in his hair—thick, brown, and wavy, with coppery, sun-streaked highlights. A little long for the traditional Amish hairstyle, but she didn't mind. In fact, she liked it that way, noticing how the ends brushed a little past the top of his shirt collar.

A light breeze rustled the colorful leaves of the oak trees surrounding Josiah's property, causing a few to release and flutter to the ground. The movement lifted a couple of locks of his hair. Amanda squeezed the light blue dress she held in her hands.

“Mandy, are you gonna hang up that dress or what?”

Amanda looked at her sister, who held up a damp pair of Christopher's small trousers. Quickly she clipped the dress to the line and took the trousers, all the while unable to keep her gaze off Josiah. They had been the best of friends, and now he'd come back into her life after all this time. No wonder she couldn't get enough of looking at him.

As she finished hanging the wash, she peered over the line of clothes and watched Josiah heading for the barn. Disappointment threaded through her when he didn't even look in the direction of their house. Hadn't he heard Rachel and her talking? If he had, he must be purposely ignoring them, and she didn't know what to make of that. He had never ignored her before.

Josiah disappeared into the barn and emerged with his horse a few moments later. He led the horse to the buggy parked next to the barn and hitched it up. As Amanda hung the last item of clothing, he jumped into the buggy and steered it down the dirt driveway.

“Is that Josiah?” Rachel asked, turning around to see the buggy turn onto the road and disappear in the distance.

Amanda ducked underneath the line. “
Ya
, that's Josiah.”

“Were you two friends?”

“We were
sehr gut
friends,” Amanda said, remembering that her sister was just days old when Josiah left.

“Are you still?”

She looked at Rachel. Doubt pressed at her, but she shoved it away. Their encounter in the barn had been awkward. Maybe it would take time for Josiah to pick up where their friendship had left off. While she had several good friends and many acquaintances, no one had ever taken Josiah's place.

“
Ya
,” she said, grabbing the laundry basket and motioning for Rachel to follow her. “We're still friends.”

Chapter Three

“AS I LIVE AND BREATHE,” JOSIAH'S AUNT VERA SAID, slowly rising from her kneeling position at the back edge of her almost completely harvested garden. She wiped her hands on her apron and walked toward him, then placed a soft, wrinkled hand on each side of his face. “Josiah.” Tears filled her brown eyes. “I didn't think I'd ever see you again,
kind
.”

He smiled, and the knot that had formed in his stomach as he drove to his aunt and uncle's house loosened a tiny bit. After finishing up in town and making a stop at his mother's gravesite, he'd decided at the last minute to stop by Vera and John Yoder's home on his way back from town. He had spent a lot of his childhood here.