A Simple Change (21 page)

I shook my head. “I didn't receive any pay.”

He tipped his head to the side. “I thought everyone who lived outside the colonies received pay for their work.”

“I knew the orphanage had financial problems. My father suggested I work without pay since he could easily support our family. I considered my work an offering to the Lord—and the children.”

“So at least one thing did not change for you when you moved to Middle Amana: You still receive no money for your work.” He leaned back against the tree trunk and bent his knees until they almost touched his chest. “You have given up a great deal to be here among us. I saw the light in your eyes when you spoke of teaching at the orphanage, and I saw sadness replace that light
when you told me the children are not learning so well now that you are gone.”

“I won't deny that I miss teaching the children or that I am sad they no longer have the attention they need, but I am thankful for the opportunity to help Madelyn and some of the other Amana children during the evenings.”

The glimmer I'd detected earlier in his eyes faded. “Ja, but it is not the same, is it?”

“Not exactly, but I want to be here. I couldn't bear to be away from my mother when she needs me. I made a choice to come here, Ritt, and I'm not sorry. Is that what you think? That I'm unhappy to be here?”

I needed to make him understand that I hadn't come here because I'd been forced to, or because I'd felt obligated. I wanted him to know that I came because I wanted to be here. I thought I'd made it clear before, but maybe when Nathan arrived, Ritt decided I hadn't been honest with him.

He tossed the pieces of grass aside and looked at me. “I want to tell you what is in my heart so there are no walls between us.”

My heart skipped a beat and I bobbed my head, eager to hear him say he cared for me and was thankful I'd come here. “I would like that.”

“I do not think it is a secret that I have come to care for you as more than a friend, but I have decided that I must put a guard on my heart.”

My spirits soared but then plummeted so quickly that my stomach felt as though it had landed in my throat. “W-why?”

“I can see that you still have strong ties to your former life.” When I opened my mouth to object, he placed a finger on my lips. “Let me finish and then you can speak. Ja?”

I didn't want to agree. I wanted to shout the objection that remained on my tongue, but I merely gave a slight nod.

“I cannot risk my heart when I am uncertain if you can ever be happy in Amana.” He traced his finger along the stitches that formed a flower in the quilt. “And I could never ask you to give up teaching. If you remain here, you will never be able to go into a classroom and teach as you did in Kansas City. It is clear you are a gut teacher, and I believe you want to use the talents God has given you.”

A sense of panic now assailed me. How would we ever know if we were meant for each other if he planned to distance himself from me? I needed to convince him he was wrong. “I may never be able to teach in a classroom again, but that doesn't mean I can't help some children in my spare time. I've been content since coming here, and I don't believe that will change.”

Tenderness shone in his eyes as he looked at me. “I don't know if you can be completely honest with yourself right now. Your mother is ill and you want to be here to help care for her. But if the time arrives when you are no longer tied to the colonies by your mother's illness, you may want to return to the orphanage.” He placed his hand over his heart. “Your heart may always be with those children. I can see how much you love them and what happiness they bring to you. Later, you may decide you cannot find that same happiness or contentment here. It is better if we remain only friends. To do otherwise could cause great pain for both of us.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I should go and check on the girls.”

Pushing to my feet, I wondered how everything had gone so wrong so quickly. I had hoped Ritt wanted to mend any differences
between us and move forward. I had hoped to explain that I never made a commitment to Nathan. And I had hoped to talk to him about Thomas and the hidden money. But none of those discussions would happen now.

The girls had finished their studies and were chattering about the onion harvest when I approached. “It's getting dark. I think it's time for you girls to walk home and for Madelyn and me to go inside.”

The girls folded their papers, gathered their books, and scurried off with hasty good-byes. I turned and walked toward the front of the house while Madelyn chattered. I stopped short and glanced over my shoulder when Ritt called my name.

He was holding the folded quilt in his arms. “You forgot your quilt.”

His hand brushed against mine when he passed me the quilt, and a shiver raced up my arm. How I longed to tell him he was wrong—that I could remain here if he would only declare his love for me and ask me to stay. But a look of determination shone in his eyes. I realized that nothing I said would change his mind—at least not tonight.

Chapter 21

Tears threatened as I bid Ritt and Madelyn a quick farewell. I turned and hurried inside, for I didn't want Madelyn to suspect anything was amiss. As I entered the front door, my father called to me from the bedroom. When I opened the door, he motioned toward my mother.

“Your mother has a terrible headache. She needs medicine from the apothecary. If you ring the bell near the front door, Brother Otto will come and help you. He knows what to mix for her. Brother Rudolf has given him the information.”

I glanced out the window at the darkening sky. I didn't fear walking alone after dark, but it wasn't the custom for women to walk alone at night in the colonies.

“I would go, but your mother doesn't want me to leave her.” He lowered his voice. “You'll be fine. If anyone asks why you're
out, explain the situation and there will be no problem.” His brow furrowed. “Is anything wrong?”

I forced a smile. “No. Why do you ask?”

He gave a slight shrug. “You appeared sad when you came to the door.”

“Everything is fine. I'll be back as soon as I can.” I turned and hurried away before he could quiz me further.

My shoes clattered on the wooden sidewalk, and my thoughts immediately returned to the recent conversation with Ritt. I didn't want to believe he was right, but maybe there was some truth to what he'd said. Maybe I wouldn't remain happy in the colonies. I knew Ritt hadn't wanted to speak of my mother's health, but what he was thinking had been obvious. Would I be willing to live here for the rest of my life? I'd thought I would, but now I wondered if he might be correct. Would I be content if I never was able to teach in a classroom again?

Unbidden tears streamed down my cheeks. I had hoped to gain Ritt's insight about Thomas and the money I'd discovered in the men's quarters. Instead, I'd lost hope of a future with him, and I had no one to guide me through this mess with Thomas. I became lost in my thoughts and yelped when a hand grasped my arm.

“It's me.”

My heart beat an erratic rhythm as an arm circled my shoulder. I twisted around and looked up. “Nathan! Where did you come from?” Relief flooded over me, and instead of pulling away, I leaned against him. “I was so absorbed in my own thoughts I didn't hear you.”

“I worked late tonight, and rather than going straight to the dormitory, I decided to take a walk and clear my head.” He ran his fingers through his dark brown hair. “After listening to the noise
of the machinery, I wanted to enjoy the quiet sounds of the night before I turned in. What about you? Why are you out here alone?”

Instead of his usual accusatory tone, his voice bore a hint of kindness and concern that both surprised and pleased me. Moonlight shimmered over us as he continued to walk alongside me with his arm around my shoulder. I explained Mother's need for medicine from the apothecary and her desire that Father remain with her. He reached around me with his free arm and wiped a stray tear from my cheek.

Gently squeezing my shoulder, he drew me to a halt and looked into my eyes.

“Are these tears because of your mother's illness?”

“Yes. She does well for a few days but then takes a downward turn. Each time that happens it takes longer for her to rebound. I'm worried that soon she won't be able to gather enough strength to . . .” I couldn't bear to say the words.

Nathan cupped my cheek and looked into my eyes. “I know this is very difficult for you, Jancey, and I haven't provided the love and support you need while going through all these changes. Since the other day, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I should be more thoughtful. I know you're very close to your mother. Sometimes that's hard for me to understand because I didn't share a close bond with my family. I suppose that's no excuse for my behavior, but—”

“But you want me to understand—and I do. However, you must give that same kind of understanding to me, Nathan.”

He nodded. “I know. Even after I arrived here, I didn't give you the compassion you deserved. I was determined I could persuade you to return to Kansas City, so I didn't consider what you needed or wanted. I hope you'll give me another chance to prove my love.”

I could scarcely believe my ears. This was a side of Nathan I
had never experienced. Granted, he'd shown an occasional glimmer of kindness, but he'd never before requested forgiveness. I didn't know what had caused the transformation, but I wondered if God had been at work in Nathan's life. If so, it couldn't have happened at a more opportune time.

I wasn't certain I could trust this change, but he'd arrived when I'd most needed someone. With his ties to the outside, Nathan could be exactly who I needed to help me. He might even know of the bank robbery, especially since Forsythe Construction conducted all its banking at the National Commerce Bank. Perhaps he'd even talked to my father about the incident when it occurred. A sense of relief swept over me as I decided Nathan was the better choice to help me with this matter.

He was staring at me, waiting.

“I must agree that you've been less understanding than I would have expected.”

His features tightened a degree. I hadn't said what he'd wanted to hear.

“However, I am pleased by this sudden change and hope it will prove permanent. I find you much more appealing when you're kind and thoughtful.”

“I'm pleased to hear you find me appealing. Does that mean you've accepted my apology?”

He winked and brushed a loose strand of hair from my cheek. My pulse didn't quicken when Nathan touched my hand or squeezed my shoulder—not like it did when Ritt drew near. I tried to force thoughts of Ritt from my mind.

“I accept your apology, Nathan, and I do appreciate the things you've said.” When a tear escaped and slipped down my cheek, he frowned.

“What is this? I thought you were pleased by the changes you'd seen in me. Is there more than the illness with your mother that's bothering you?” He lifted my chin. “You can tell me anything, Jancey. I want to help you however I can.”

My emotions were a jumble. I wasn't sure I should confide in Nathan, but there truly was no other choice. “I have to tell you something important. Promise you won't become angry with me if I tell you.”

“I don't know what could be so terrible that it would make you believe I'd become angry with you, but I promise.”

We were only a short distance from the apothecary. “Let me get the headache powders for Mother first. I'll tell you on the way home.” He started to follow me, but I held up my hand. “You should wait out here. It is better if Brother Otto doesn't see us together.”

“You're right.” He pointed to the side of the shop. “I'll stand over there, where I'll be out of sight.”

I rang the bell outside the apothecary, encouraged by Nathan's unusually quick agreement. A few minutes passed before I heard footsteps and Brother Otto, who was also one of the elders, unlocked the door. He stood in the doorway and peered over his wire-rimmed glasses. “Your Mutter is in need of something, Sister Jancey?”

“She has a severe headache and my father sent me for headache powders. He said you know what the doctor prescribed for her.”

He waved me inside. “Your poor Mutter is having a time with all this pain. Give me a few minutes and I will have it ready for you.” He shuffled around the counter and withdrew several bottles from the shelf behind him. Using a mortar and pestle, he mashed up a concoction, poured the powder onto a piece of white paper, and secured the corners.

“Your Vater knows how much to give her.” He handed me the packet before he pushed his glasses high on his nose. “I hope this will give her some relief.”

After thanking Brother Otto, I placed the packet in my skirt pocket and departed. I knew Nathan was waiting for me, yet I startled when he stepped around the corner.

He glanced at my hand. “You got the medicine?”

“Yes.” I patted my skirt. “It's in my pocket.”

“All the time you've been inside, I've been trying to think what you are going to tell me. Please don't make me wait any longer.”

I inhaled a deep breath and matched his gait. “This has to do with Thomas Kingman.”

His eyebrows arched high on his forehead. “Thomas? The fellow who has the bunk next to mine in the dormitory?”

“Yes. I've been trying to help him find his sister, Kathleen.”

Nathan stopped short. “How do you know his sister?”

I waved him forward. “We need to keep walking. Mother needs her medicine.” He hurried and came alongside me. “I don't really know Kathleen, but she lived at the orphanage in Kansas City years ago.” I explained how I'd seen the photograph on his trunk, and my subsequent meeting with Thomas.

Even with only the moonlight, I could see his features tighten into a frown. “You met Thomas alone out in the woods? How could you do something so foolish, Jancey? He's a complete stranger who could have done you great harm.”

“I'll admit it wasn't wise, but when I saw that picture, I couldn't resist. I had to know who she was—and he has always been a perfect gentleman around me.”

“Always? How many times have you met with him?”

“Only one time. After that, we exchanged notes.” I hesitated.
“He did come into the dormitory one time while I was cleaning, and we talked for a few minutes, but I met him out in the woods only one time.”

Nathan's frown softened. “I'm pleased you decided to write notes after your first meeting. That was wise.”

My earlier tension took flight. His affirmation both surprised and encouraged me. Bolstered by his unruffled behavior, I went on and explained what I'd learned about Kathleen's whereabouts thus far. “Lilly is awaiting further word from the family that adopted Kathleen, and I've promised Thomas I'll pass along any message as soon as I hear.”

Creases formed across his forehead and confusion shone in his eyes. “I don't understand why this has reduced you to tears. Do you think the girl has come to some harm?”

I shook my head. “No. That's only the beginning of what I have to tell you. Once you hear the rest, you'll understand why I'm in such a state.”

He waved his hand in a circular motion. “You need not worry, Jancey. Whatever it is, we'll resolve it together.”

Buoyed by his support, I detailed how the bed frame had been lodged on a loose floorboard and how my curiosity had taken hold when I examined the area beneath Thomas's bed. Nathan would likely believe me as curious as a hound dog sniffing a fresh scent—and he'd be right. If I'd practiced restraint, I wouldn't be in this dilemma. I recounted how I'd reached deep into the hole and tugged on the piece of canvas.

“Hurry—what did you find?” His voice quivered with excitement.

“A bag from the National Commerce Bank of Kansas City. And it was full of money.”

He chuckled. “You're joking with me. Tell me what you really found.”

I grasped his arm. “This isn't a joke, Nathan. If I hadn't seen that money with my own eyes, I don't suppose I'd believe it, either, but it's true.” A sliver of moonlight shone on Nathan's face, and I could see the disbelief that flickered in his eyes. “And that's not all.”

“You mean there's something else?” His voice cracked and he rubbed his fingers against his throat. “I'm not sure I can handle much more.”

“Yes, there was a newspaper clipping about a bank robbery at the National Commerce Bank. I took it out of the bag and have it at home. I'll show it to you when we get back to the house.”

“You removed the newspaper clipping, but you didn't remove any money, did you?”

“No, of course not. I'm not a thief, Nathan!”

“I know you're not a thief, but you did remove the clipping. I thought you might have removed a bill or coin to prove you actually discovered money.” He massaged his forehead. “I do remember that a bank robbery occurred back in January—or was it December?” He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. “I know it was cold when it happened, and I do recall your father mentioning it to me. He probably remembers when it occurred. He knows the bank officers, and I bet he recalls all of the details, too.” He hesitated a moment. “Why didn't you speak to him about this?”