A Slave to the Fantasy (3 page)

Then there was another thing that stood out: when
given the option of looking for romance, dating, marriage, or pen
pal, she chose pen pal.

She was 19 and Roberts was 36. Deep dark skin with
large full lips, a lithe but filled out body, 5 feet 5 inches (tall
side for a Filipina), feline eyes.

Samuel Roberts was taken.

When she'd look into the camera serious, her eyes
would almost dance where one was slightly off center. Not so much
that it would make you think there was anything physically wrong.
It added an innocence to her visage that frankly drove Roberts into
orbit. He was captivated the more he examined the photos.

He imagined waking up to this natural beauty and her
hair flowing wildly over her eyes while he gently rubbed her
bottom, and up and down her lovely legs, and her willingly falling
on top of him begging for deep love making. How this might
transform his day and give it life and energy, rather than the
drain of his almost daily involvement with internet
pornography.

This girl. When she smiled, it was a slight forward
bite on the bottom making her chin more pronounced, but her teeth
we're flawless and white.

The profile. The part about looking for a pen pal and
not romance, went right over his head.

All he saw was beauty, striking beauty wrapped in a
youthful innocent, but upwardly mobile package. She wanted more and
he felt he possessed the power to give her more. Immediately he was
inventing future outcomes in his head.

This was the essence and attraction of looking for
companionship in a foreign land using the internet, if you were a
westerner from a more prosperous country. Unlike the persistent
feeling of dealing with women in your area where he couldn't
achieve power in the interaction, the attraction was a given in
almost any case where Roberts contacted and got to know a girl from
the Philippines.

The yes in the form of reciprocation of interest
initially and throughout the “getting to know you” process was so
much more gratifying to his male ego. It was refreshing probably
because it wasn't the work. He had come to see dealing with
American women as a tiring cat and mouse game of not acting too
interested too fast.

He felt like with practice, he had cracked the code
with a Filipino or Thai girl online and he was now determined to
pull out all the stops in his pursuit of Tanya.

…

She jumped online. The family only had one computer
and they shared it. Tanya loved the attention from these western
men.

She probably got on Filipino Lover and put down a
profile because of the ego boost it gave her. She had to admit it
to herself. She hated to do that of course. No one wants to face
the truth about why they actually do things right?

She admitted this to her closest friends, when she
told them she had created the account.

Most of them were so old. Old enough to be her father
or even older. Many of them were older than her grandfather. “What
the heck?” She thought.

She wanted nothing. She had a boyfriend and they had
been together for years. She felt nothing exciting for him though
and maybe that was why? They had only kissed. To feel real
excitement with a man. She would put “pen pal” and see what
happens. That way if somehow it got discovered, she'd simply have
some way to deny doing anything wrong.

Her mind couldn't quite pin-point why. This was her
at the core. It is the core of many women, especially one so young
and inexperienced. Men don't understand. This is most all women.
That's the reality.

It's definitely most all women at 19. Tanya didn't
care. It seemed normal for a girl.

Was this wrong?

She couldn't say.

She saw Samuel's interest. Then a message. Wait a
week. Then another message. This time with his personal
contact.

She was enjoying all the attention. He was one of a
hundred plus a week, but he was different. “We'd have to see,” she
thought. Lots of choices.

…

One night about two weeks into sending Tanya like
message 3, Roberts pulled up her pictures and began to fantasize
about her and being inside her, kissing her all over. Vigorously he
pleasured himself. After that for 30 minutes or so, he didn't care
about women or companionship again. The same as every time he
masturbated.

Was this why he was still a virgin? The question ate
at him. He obsessed over this girl already. He imagined enjoying
her dark sexy skin and body and he got nowhere. Still 8,000 miles
away. Right now though, he didn't need women. He was satisfied.

….

Roberts wasn't saying much of anything. After all,
there were no guards anywhere. He wasn't in handcuffs. He felt a
lot more at ease.

Who was this Judge? Why did he want to know this?

“Yes,” Roberts said with a confident tone. “You?”

…

For Tanya, a man enraptured with her charms was
nothing new, but it gave her nothing beyond empty fruitless
power.

“You won't know what we could be unless you try,”
Judge Bryan Yaso said, driving along side her as she made her way
to a pick up point to get into town for her new job. “I know how we
met. But I loved you from moment one.”

Tanya thought it all weird. She was his possession
for money. They did videos. Together fulfilled his twisted carnal
fantasies. She would never reveal him. But she could never love
him. She felt nothing.

Even though he was gorgeous and well-connected. He
had money. Enough for her to never worry again.

But the way he looked at her. Women know. It was
obsession and she was a prize. She could never trust him beyond
that.

Don't make it personal. Her number one rule. Her
daddy taught her. The Professor.

But lately none of what he was asking for made sense.
She looked to the right as the Judge stared at her begging her from
a moving car as she walked.

Her skin crawled. Her nerves were frayed right now.
She had a deep sick feeling in her stomach. No man she wanted could
actually see the real her. Her indescribable beauty actually a
curse.

“I've got this all on tape,” she said. “I'll break my
number one rule and show this to your family. Don't ever talk to me
again.”

He floored the car and almost immediately accelerated
out of sight. It would be the last time they would see each other
among the living.

Chapter 4--Rope

Tanya hated her own damnable perfection. Whose was it
and why could it not rescue her from her endless hell if it was so
great. Her face almost taunted her as her life slowly drifted
towards darkness and self-hate.

She stared into a mirror many times a day and didn't
see it. She wondered why the world couldn't see what a mess her
life was. The morning of her first day of work, she was sure
everyone would know what a tramp she was. Having sex with all those
men for a hidden purpose. Because she was told to by her father

She got to work on her first day on the job. It was
in the nicest area of Manila. Makati. Where the upper crust of the
country dealt, worked, lived, and separated themselves even further
from people like her.

She could only feel desperation and fear.

He saw her and she saw him. Desperation became hope.
Weakness became power. It wasn't his looks. The bizzare smile.
Almost like they were small metal spikes.

It was how he looked not at her, but through her. The
self-assuredness that declared he already knew everything about her
deep flaws. Not that they were ok. Many men, like Roberts had lied
to her they were. This man. This Bendato Martinez said with his
eyes that it didn't matter because none of it mattered.

Powerful lust for the first time sprung alive inside
Tanya Carasco.

...

Brunettes. Samuel had loved them all along.

His first sort of girlfriend (lasted about 8 hours)
back in 3
^rd
grade was a redhead. She was the “it” girl
in his small class. The girl everyone wanted.

He thought back on it, and her, often. She was in
high school now and more beautiful than ever. She was in track and
on the dance team. She had blossomed with muscles in those legs.
Amazing beauty but that time where he might have been interesting
to her had passed.

She was a sophomore dating a senior on the football
team. It had only been 6 or so years since their brief childhood
relationship, but it might as well have been 20 or 30. When he'd
see her now, it was like they were on two totally different
planets. She had matured, had other boyfriends along the way. He
bet she probably didn't remember that brief relationship. Probably
forgot about it a week or so after it happened.

He thought back to it more often than he should have.
That's the other thing: when you can't get a woman you want and
have regular sex with her, you live in the past. Your past failures
never leave you. You ruminate on them. You hate these
recollections, but you can't stop giving them life.

This is the curse of smart people. He was an “A”
student and great students too often need to have things make sense
logically. Samuel Roberts always needed logic and dealt with women
logically.

Logic couldn't explain gym class and Andi, the most
lusciously built power packed little brunette he'd seen. They'd
never spoken and still hadn't on the day he most recalls. She
walked around with perpetual sour face, dark rimmed glasses perched
on her nose. She was always casually and loosely dressed, but that
didn't affect her snobbiness from shining through brightly.

Then he laid on eyes on her in those gym class
clothes, watched her jog around indifferently and sort of
participating. She didn't have any captivating personality. She
wasn't all that nice. She only seemed to talk to about two people.
Neither of them popular. She wasn't in any groups which were
noteworthy. She didn't play sports, cheer lead, or do drama
class.

Logically, none of what transpired with Roberts made
any sense.

What happened: He sprung an erection immediately
seeing her one day in class right at the beginning. Her thighs were
sort of chunky. Not athletic, not perfect. She did have large round
breasts. His penis raged upward actually when she was rope
climbing. In his cotton workout shorts, the embarrassment could be
awful. He was scared to be discovered in this way

This was the time when having a friend or two in the
same spot: virgin but wanting to be physical with a cute girl,
would have made a huge difference. It was all a secret when he'd
get together with friends. It was basically everything to all of
them, but it wasn't talked about within his circle of friends. But
at that age, it what was really dominating each of them under the
surface.

That honesty in discussion would have made it all
better. However Roberts never practiced honesty in the moment about
any of this. Was this all a product of that deep shame earlier in
childhood?

When he saw Andi try to torque her body up the rope,
it was time to sit down, on top of some wrestling mats. So no one
could see his raging hard on. Man it felt amazing. The burst of
energy was different. He actually felt sort of fired up and more
deeply aware in the moment.

He'd never orgasmed so he didn't know what it all
meant. He wanted to take Andi and her lovely round breasts and kiss
her all over. Then down to that spot between her legs. He didn't
even know what that area looked like.

I mean, he'd never seen anything but hairiness. He
and a buddy snuck Playboy a couple times at a store. He knew so
little and he felt he had no one to talk to.

That guy was still a close friend. They even shared a
locker still. But they were in different places. Like his “few
hours” girlfriend from 3
^rd
grade, he was drifting away
from his friend in this vital area of a man's life. He couldn't
talk to him because he sensed that “Peter” was so far ahead of him
with all this and would laugh at him.

Man he was a mess. Man he wanted to fuck Andi and let
it all out. Here it was again: his mind blocking him at every turn.
Just like always.

…

“So you went and sat down and did what?” asked
Michael Blake, Samuel's psychiatrist.

“Waited. Made some small talk. Like always, I never
got to the point. I can't tell you how many times I did this in
some form when the desire for sex would overcome me,” Roberts said.
“I even chose my friends who all lived by the same code apparently.
No girlfriends. No talking about sex or even girls generally. None
of it. It was a “code of no discussion” we never breached.”

“Hmmm,” Blake contemplated long and hard while he
removed his wired round glasses, his eyes fixed on his notes. “Who
did you talk to girls about?”

“I didn't. All through high school, I just didn't.
Aren't you listening to me Doc?” Roberts asked angrily. “I thought
you were going to help me get out of this?”

“Get out of what Mr. Roberts? I am not following
you,” Blake deadpanned. “You haven't been charged. Only followed
and only questioned.”