Absolute Surrender (26 page)

Hugh nodded, and he and Amelia watched as Jackson ran across the lawn as dark as night. He seemed to float along like a spirit, his lithe form in the white shirt and vest separated from the dark of his trousers and the ground below.

Hugh could feel her tension and migrated closer.

“Take yourself away from here,” she whispered as she turned to him.

“Amelia.”

“You cannot do this to me. You cannot do this to
him
.”

“I meant no harm, and yet…it seems I arrived in time to save you from—”

“From myself! He did nothing,
nothing
wrong!”

“I know, and I
’
m truly sorry. I only want what
’
s best…”

“I’m not sure I understand
want
anymore. I feel I
want
for so much, and yet…whenever I start to want…”

“We can help you…or we can try.” Hugh knew he was begging, but he couldn
’
t let her walk away now.

“Stop. Simply stop. This afternoon…” Her eyes flitted around the gardens as if looking for someone to rescue her. “I cannot believe what you said this afternoon.”

“Amelia, I only meant to point out to you that it
’
s possible that you don
’
t know what happens, that your fear may be your problem with
Jackson. Because y
ou aren
’t afraid of me.”
Please don
’
t forget who I am to you. Please.

“Were I to have a chance with you, we would not be here now. You cannot take my one chance at happiness from me. Please—go.”

Hugh removed his hat, dropping it to the ground so he wouldn’t appear so pretentious, and he knew he did, in this full dress. But he needed her comfort at the moment, to strip down to who he was, not who he attempted to be. Because that was who could help her. “
I don’
t mean to take anything. I only mean to help you, in whatever way possible. I realize my speech this afternoon was forward. I beg your pardon for that. I only meant to attempt to open the conversation, one that would hopefully help you understand yourself more, help you understand what it is that drives these episodes. Fear…panic…if we can alleviate that at least somewhat—”

“I understand your intentions. I understood them at the time as well. I just need…
I don’
t know what I need. A respite. I do love you, Hugh, but Charles…and he
’
s a good man. One of the best. Even
you
cannot argue that. He must be my future. There cannot be
us
if there
’
s to be
him
. I
’
ll not do that to him.”

“Are you asking me to walk away? After all?”

Silence
.

His query was met with silence. Much too much silence. He couldn
’
t stand it. “When just last night—” Last night she
’
d requested that he not hold back. His shoulders fell. “I understand…”

“No, Hugh, you don
’
t. How can you when I don
’
t? When none of us do?” Hugh watched as her hands started to shake, and her voice quavered. “Hugh, I—”

He stepped toward her, held her, calmed her even as she tried to fight it. “This is my doing, and for that I
’
m so terribly sorry.”

“That
’
s exactly the problem, Hugh. It
’
s not your doing. If it hadn
’
t been for you being here—” She heard the carriage at the back mews and pushed past him toward the gates.

He followed. “Amelia, I—”

“No, Hugh. Believe me now. I
’
m to marry Charles. I want so very much to remain friends with you. I want to be able to share my joy with you. But this we cannot do. It cannot be the three of us. I don
’
t know how he and I will suit, but I
’
m determined to that end, as is he. He wants me.”

“
As do I
… I do, I want for you, so desperately.”

“Perhaps it
’
s this desperation that
’
s at issue. Hugh, I understand you wish to help, but for your sake, and his, this needs to end now, tonight. It simply cannot be, and we all know this. I must stop considering it. What I said last night…what I said was a mistake.” She turned on him. “Do you know how I had to work to rescue all of our reputations this afternoon?” She paled, then turned and stormed through the gatehouse with him at her heels.

Hugh watched as
Jackson handed her into the carriage, and she turned, sitting on the seat, taking his jacket from her shoulders and giving it back to
Jackson so he could return to the ball, find her parents.

“I need to speak with you,”
Jackson
said,
“but I should go, Amelia. It
’
s already been too long since we’ve been gone. There will be talk.”

“Of course there will be, and the talking will be frenzied, because I am…broken. I need to quit this place. I understand that this may change everything, but above all else, my wish is to not hurt anyone. Even so, all I ever manage to do is cause pain.” Her voice was tense, erratic.

“
I don’
t understand, I—”

Amelia slammed the carriage door and yelled to the driver. The carriage pulled away from the mews.

“Jacks,” Hugh said quietly, so as not to startle him.

Jackson whirled. “You
’
re still here.”

“You asked me to watch over her
,
did you not? Perhaps if I
’
d made myself known sooner, I might have prevented—”

“You could have prevented nothing,”
Jackson spat from clenched teeth, obviously confused by Amelia
’
s dispensation. “You have caused
so much
. She
’
s run away…again.”

Hugh turned to walk away, but
Jackson caught him. Hugh did not want to be a witness to this...this… What was this? What was
Jackson’s intention?

Hugh had found his own bed two nights ago with every intention of finding a way to hers. Marry her or ruin her. It had mattered not at the time.

When Hugh awoke, his mind more clear, he had gone to see her straightaway, determined to break with her, to end their suffering. Then they’d spoken, and his mouth had betrayed his mind when he’d seen with a physical acuity the pain in her eyes. The question had been whether the cause was him, or this duke, and he’d had to know. Hugh had had to pursue her.

“
I don
’
t mean to take this out on you. You were merely a victim of my excitement, much as she,”
Jackson said, obviously attempting to calm.

“A victim,” Hugh said.

“I should know better than…I
do
know better than to be so callus with my regard for her. I have just waited for so very long, and then that
dance. I
…I
’
ve no right to discuss this with
you,
of all people. I beg your pardon.”

“Who would you discuss these thoughts with then?” Hugh asked with a pained smile, attempting to break the tension that was as thick as London fog.

Jackson watched him for a moment, then his tension seemed to ebb even as Hugh
’
s flared.

“That was…
a disaster,
”
Charles said.

“
Your Grace.
”

With his title tossed at him, Charles knew this discussion was not going to be easy. “Jacks…we agreed on Jacks, Ender. It would be my wish that, in the end, when all is said and done, that you can think on me as a friend. I believe if you think of me in that regard, this situation might be easier. This all may be uncomfortable now, but if we
’
re to regard each other as friends, if you were to gain trust in me...”

Ender nodded and shifted. “Yes, of course, Jacks and Ender.” He said it like a child teasing his foe. It was quite obvious that Hugh was still a bit flustered, out of sorts. “It seems you
’
re getting on well enough. I cannot.” Ender shifted. “I do not want—”

“To lose her,” Charles finished with sudden clarity.

Ender shook his head. “It seems I
’
ve already lost her. I
’
d prefer to not
hurt
her, or anger her, or in any way tarnish what we
’
ve had.”

“No. You still don
’
t want to lose the possibility of a future with her,” Charles said as he put his jacket back on and Ender quietly studied him. Charles watched Ender tense like a lion worrying a thorn in his paw.

“Damn it all, Jackson—Jacks.” Ender shook his head. “Jackson. This is not a conversation to be had between us. We are supposed to be rivals in this.”

“I
’
m willing to change the rules. My purpose here is not to damage what you have, or had, or will have. It
’
s merely to attempt, somehow, to lessen the shock.”

“The pain,” Ender corrected offhandedly.

Charles shook his head. He could not rightfully fathom how he was to retain this man
’
s regard for his future duchess, or why he should want to so desperately. He knew everything Ender did was for Amelia. He knew that to lose Ender forever would tarnish the light in her eyes, and that was not something Charles was willing to do, because it was that light that he chased. Charles was aware that he and Ender could be friends if it weren
’
t for this mess. He was aware, now, that Ender was a good man through it all, and Charles truly wished to see him well.

“
Ender
, I don’
t mean to pry, and by all means, don
’
t tell me what
’
s happened between the two of you. I do hope to understand someday. Actually, I
’
m hoping I
’
ve begun that understanding somewhat already. But just what is it between the two of you? She knew you were here. She quite obviously
felt
your presence through the reality of my physical proximity.”

Charles saw the stiff nod reverberate through Ender. “I can’t tell you that. We
’
ve always just…been. I should go and leave you to it. I can no longer help you in this. It was selfish of me to mislead you in that regard. But the fact is, what we have cannot be taught, cannot be explained, it just
is
. I will be leaving London shortly, until this business is over with, and you
’
re both safely back to Castleberry Keep.”

“You assume we
’
re to live there primarily?”

“I assume nothing. If you
’
re to make her happy, that
’
s where you
’
ll live.”

“I
’
m a duke. I have a presence—”

Ender looked at him calmly. He was always so terribly calm, and that calm always
unnerved Charles.

“You misunderstand her completely then,” Ender said. “It
’
s not merely that I help her. It
’
s this.” He waved his hand through the air. “The
ton
as it is, London society and all its dregs. This is not where she belongs. If you want her, you must understand her. She
’
s in London for her mother, for her father.
For you.
She will suffer it, but is that what you want? For her to suffer?”

Charles considered him as he leaned over and picked up the other man’s top hat. “No, I suppose not. I presumed that what you have transcends all that.”

“You, again, presume too much. If we
’
re done here—
”

“
Not entirely. Ender, I
…I
’
ve cared so much for her from the moment I saw her. I wish to understand more.”

Ender
nodded.
“Then understand she will suffer it silently. This life. As she does now.”

“I see,”
Charles said.
“What is it about then? The crowds? The judgment?”

“
I don’
t rightly know. All I know is that she can be more herself when she
’
s away from them, and already I
’
ve said more than I ought. I must be off. This evening—”

Charles took his arm to stay him. Then handed him his hat. “
Ender,
do you believe we would better suit were we to leave London?”

Ender turned the hat over in his hands. “I believe it possible. As it seems, my other postulate is not to be tested. Perhaps that one can be.”

“And yet I fear progressing without you nearby. I still have fear, for her sake.” Charles watched as Ender studied him. “You realize that before she realized you were here, I believe she was close to losing her…to becoming…”

“I understand…and we have yet to decide on a course of action for her. And, again, she
’
s not a party to the current discussion, which she
’
s made perfectly clear she
’
s not comfortable with,” Ender said finally.

Charles shook his head, and a sudden push of anger gripped him. “You try my patience. You do realize it would be easier for me to simply call you out than to give you leave to interfere in something you know you shouldn
’
t. I merely ask because none of us want to be in the situation we continue to find ourselves in.
We
are to be married. I
’
m not certain how much of this situation I can manage. It
’
s obvious that she cannot handle much more of it, and as for you…” Charles shook his head again. “If you were to walk away now…this has all been quite beyond me and tested every bit of patience I have.”