Absolute Surrender (52 page)

The moments that passed following those words seemed insurmountable.

“
Charles
will be here soon. Only give him a moment.”

“You left me. Hugh, you…left me.”

“I
’
m here now, Amelia. I
’
m here. There
’
s no apology great enough for what I did. There are no words that would suffice, my darling Amelia. Would that I could take it all back…”

“You left.” She searched his face. “Charles was there.”

“He was, wasn
’
t he? And it was glorious, was it not? He loves you, Amelia. He truly loves you. He can care for you. He can help you. He
’
s more than the man I believed him to be, and he
’
s yours, all yours.”

“But I
’
m not all his. I never can be.”

Her head spun.

He left me.

That
’
s not what I
’
m going to do.

“You.
Left.
Me.” She closed her eyes tightly, forcing the darkness away.

He left, Hugh left, he left me. He left me, and I was…I was gone. I fell down…down…down…and I haven
’
t been back since.

Amelia realized she wasn
’
t speaking as she reached out and curled her fingers into the top of his waistcoat. His hand skimmed the length of her arm, then cupped her elbow. What happened? Only moments before, she
’
d wanted Hugh with her. She
’
d mourned the loss of him. Only moments ago, he had been naught but the memories in the boxes that surrounded them now.

She opened her eyes. Not now. Now he was here, lying beside her amidst her memories of him. The true man, flesh and bone. “You
’
re here.”

“I am. I
’
ll not leave you again. I promise you this. I
’
ll never willingly leave you again. I
’
ll come to you whenever you need me. I
’
ll be with you no matter how difficult. I
’
ll follow wherever you may go. I
’
ll not abandon you. I promise you.”

Never. Again.
She took those words and let them repeat in her mind.

She closed her eyes again and took an inner stock of her physical form. She was sprawled on her belly, her legs tangled in her skirts. She couldn
’
t begin to imagine what her mother might think of this. She stretched her legs, kicking her skirts loose and felt Hugh jump to his feet. He stepped over her, then reached beneath her body, rolling her into his arms and lifting her to his chest. She kept her eyes closed and simply felt.

The light shifted in the doorway, and she concentrated on the heat of Hugh, the strength of him, and her hands tangled in the fabric of his jacket as she held on tight.

“Charles.” Hugh’s voice rumbled through Charles and crept into her soul as the light dimmed further, and she felt the heat of another body beside her.

“
Let me stand.
” Amelia felt her legs slip, as Hugh bent his knees and brought her feet to the floor. Then he held her as he straightened, and she felt Charles’s hands on her shoulders behind her. She took a deep breath and looked up at Hugh, half of his face blocked from the light by Charles’s shadow. She stood there, for a time, between them. Just allowing them to be. Then she let go and moved away from them, into the room.

“Look…this is my life, in all these boxes. This is the entirety of me, where all of my memories reside. I feared disposing of anything because I believed it was the only place in my life that you would reside in my future. I believed, only moments ago, that I would never see Hugh again.”

“I—”

“No, no.
NO!
” Amelia screamed. She let loose her faculties, threw propriety to the wayside and filled her lungs with as much air as she possibly could as she railed. She took up one of the boxes, held it to her chest, then threw it across the room to break against the wall. “This, this is what I relegated myself to, without you. I was going to live forever in these boxes, amongst my memories. Forever bereft of human touch. I was gone,
GONE!
How could you? How? You always said you loved me!”

“I do love you, Amelia!” Hugh argued, and she picked up another box and threw it at him. He was showered with buttons as the top came off and the contents bounced off of his chest. “Amelia, I was frightened, so very—”

“You, Hubert Garrison, know nothing of fear.
NOTHING! Why?
Why did you leave me?”

“I was a coward. I am a coward. I couldn
’
t see past my fear to what could be, what Charles would do…I…I
’
m truly sorry, Amelia. So very sorry. Please—”

“
I don’
t know, Hugh, I—”

Hugh took a step toward her, and she put her hand up. “No!”

He stopped.

Charles spoke then, and Amelia turned, seemed to sway in his direction. “Amelia, you were right. About everything, about love, about forgiveness, about everything.”

“What…what do you mean?” she asked.

“You were right.” Charles walked toward her slowly. “When you care deeply for someone…you forgive them. As I have done.”

She watched him carefully as he approached, and they stood there, within arm’s reach, as she tried to figure out what he was on about. Who had he forgiven? He had forgiven her back at the Cliff House, but that wasn
’
t—

“He forgave me, Amelia. Charles forgave
me,
” Hugh said, and she looked to him. Hugh seemed to be considering something, looking from her to Charles. “We belong together. The three of us. We were created for each other.” Hugh turned to Charles then. “I understand what you meant. I gave up. It wasn
’
t about either of you. It was about me. I left because of my fear…and that wasn
’
t fair to either of you.”

Charles turned as Amelia watched. Part of her thought that he would shred Hugh now, and her brain tried it
s
level best to understand how Charles and Hugh were in the same room and both breathing. It was impossible. Hugh said Charles had forgiven him. She stared at Charles then, watched his features. He wasn
’
t angry—and she had seen him angry.

Charles looked
…he looked…peaceful. He moved toward Hugh, and she felt her muscles relax, then tension flowed from her body like a cleansing. She felt clean. Charles took Hugh
’
s shoulders, leaned in, waited for Hugh to meet his gaze. “I forgive you,”
Charles said.

Amelia felt those words like a corset. She couldn
’
t breathe. She wrapped her arms around her middle, attempting to hold herself together as she watched them embrace, Hugh
’
s tense hands on Charles’s jacket as though they wrapped around her heart—and she felt it skip.

Charles straightened and looked at her, and she shivered. “Come, Amelia, there is no us without Hugh.”

“What now?” she asked.

“There is no
us
without
you
,” Charles repeated. “Come here.”

She shook her head, then took two steps, coming up next to them. Hugh and Charles both reached for her.

“Please, wait,” she said. She turned and brought her hand up to let it rest on Hugh
’
s waistcoat, just below his cravat.

His cravat.

His very rumpled cravat. Ruined, really, this cravat.

There isn
’
t even a semblance of a knot remaining—he should see to that.

She put her hand to it, pushed it back, tucked the edges into his waistcoat, then tucked her fingers into the top of his waistcoat and held on. His heart beat against her fingers, and she concentrated on the feel of it. Willed herself to stay here, now.

“You left me.” Her voice was so quiet she almost didn
’
t hear it herself. “I never thought you would do that to me, and in that belief, I found strength. You shattered the very foundation of who I believed myself to be. For better or worse? I
’
ve no idea. I understand that I need to find that strength in myself, but at times…at times, I simply can
’
t, and at those times I always looked to you. I don
’
t know why.”

A realization came over her suddenly, instead of in stages, as though an idea simply hardened and crystallized in her mind without force. When before she
’
d believed that in the right situation she would be perfectly fine, she now realized…she never would be. This is who she was, for whatever that meant. Knowing this gave her strength. Knowing that she was to live this way forever gave her a certain power over whatever it was that did this to her. It was finally all right to be who she was. To not fear her reactions, to simply
be
, and to deal with whatever came.

Amelia lifted her other hand, tucked it into Charles’s waistcoat, beneath a perfectly placed cravat—and of course it was. She smiled. These men couldn
’
t change her. They couldn
’
t heal whatever was wrong with her, but they were willing to stand by her side as she lived with it.

“You men. I
’
m blessed. Well and truly blessed. I understand I
’
ll never change. There are certain things about me that simply are. You both continue to believe that I
’
ll change, and to continue on that way may be our undoing. I will
never
change. I can
’
t make excuses for myself, hoping that neither of you see through me to the truth of it. This is me. I will not change. I understand that now. Perhaps there
’
s a place for me in this world, perhaps I belong somewhere where I can
’
t hurt myself, or others.”

“Amelia, you
’
ll not be better off anywhere but with us,” Charles said, and she looked up at him.

“Us?”

“Amelia, whatever the future holds, we will see to it, together,” Charles replied.

She looked at Hugh, who smiled. “Hugh, you stand here next to Charles, alive and well. That surprises me a bit, even though I did ask that he not damage you.”

Charles smiled, and Hugh laughed. “Yes, I
’
m alive and well and here, with you, the both of you, and it has never felt more right. Amelia, I believe you, but I also believe that there
’
s better, there
’
s more. I believe that you will be healthier when you feel safe. I believe these things with my whole heart. Will you change? No, not at your heart. You
’
ll always be my Amelia, our Amelia, whatever comes our way.”

Charles put his hand over hers. He had to touch her, though he knew he couldn
’
t do anything drastic, not yet. “Amelia, I…my mind is full of all the things that would need to be dealt with before we can marry. The how of it is at the foremost of my mind, of course, but then what follows…children, for one.” He looked at Hugh then back to her. “Beds, for another. It just seems that everything,
every small thing
, must be taken into consideration in ways we
’
d never thought before. Previously, these were things that were simple. We marry and carry on, but now—” Charles stopped and looked at her.