After All (13 page)

FOURTEEN

Brandt

Three cups of coffee and I was still barely awake. I rubbed my eyes again as Ree turned the station from one to another to another, all the songs sounding the same, and us only listening to half of each before moving on.

My head throbbed, and I was bound to get looks over my bruised face for the next week or so. Worth it, but still painful.

Trevor snored in the backseat. At that moment, I wished Ree had her license so I could nap with Trevor while she drove. But there’s no way with just a permit that I’d be falling asleep in the passenger’s seat.

“Your nose looks worse,” she commented as she hit the search button again.

“Thanks.” I sat lower in the seat wishing the drive wasn’t two hours.

“Do you hate Alex?” she asked.

Yes
. “No.”

“I just…” And Ree actually looked conflicted as she bit her lip.

I needed to take some time and talk to her about him, but she always shut down, and I hadn’t yet cracked the code on getting her to actually talk.
And
it was a conversation that I really didn’t want to have.

“You okay?” I asked trying to leave the conversation open. I’d talked people down who were ready to chug a bottle of pills or put a bullet in their head, but nothing had prepared me for talking my daughter about boys.

She squinted at the dashboard again in concentration. “Just thinking about what Ashley said. That’s all.”

I wanted to jump for joy, to grin, to tell her it was smart. “Ashley’s smart.”

Trevor shuffled in the backseat.

“You really like her, don’t you?” Ree asked while pathetically attempting to hide her excitement—biting her lip to hold in a smile.

“I do.” I shifted, wanting them both awake for this. Although, what I needed to do was keep Ree talking about Alex. “Trevor?”

“Trying to nap, Dad.”

“Can I have a sec?”

“I’m listening.” But his eyes didn’t open.

“You two really like Ashley.” In ways it was huge. The chances of finding someone we all loved was slim, I knew that. There was tension in almost all patched together families, but there was tension in every family, so that maybe wasn’t a fair thing to say.

“She’s so cool.” Ree smiled. “Like, she’s older, but not too much older. Just right.”

“Meaning she doesn’t mind sneaking you fries?” I glanced back at Trevor who caught my eyes before closing his again. “And maybe keeping a secret or two.”

“What makes you say that?” Ree asked, so obviously trying to sound relaxed. And failing.

I shrugged. “Just that Ashley seems like the type. That’s all.” And that’s when I needed to open my mouth and tell them that we were just getting started. That it might not work out. That they shouldn’t get their hopes up. But I was already doing all of those things. We also needed to talk about what they were okay with me sharing about their mom.

Ree’s phone beeped in a text and she snatched it from the console, trying to read her phone, which now rested on the steering wheel. “It’s Jen,” she said as a way to hold off any more talk about Alex, I was sure.

“No texting when driving, Ree. Really.”

Trevor’s breathing had evened out again, and I’d just lost my chance to warn them that just because I liked her, didn’t mean we were forever. Or to talk about Alex. Or their mother. At least we had the weekend.

* * *

The small cabin was just as we’d left it, and only a hair above camping—probably something I should have warned Ashley about. The dust that gathered in the week since we were here last seemed worse than normal and my patched together kitchen and makeshift bathroom felt…shabbier.

I definitely should have warned Ashley.

“I already did.” Marie grinned.

“Did I say that out loud?” I turned around, still feeling baffled as to when my charming cabin turned into such a shack.

“You mumble all the time, Dad.” Trevor slapped my back before climbing the steep steps to the loft room above.

“And it’s getting worse as you get older.” Ree waggled her brows as she typed into her phone again.

“Brilliant.” I sighed, which put me into a coughing fit over the dust. There was no way I’d be ready for Ashley tomorrow.

* * *

The sun had gone down and I was alone on the dock. One of my favorite things. Small padded footsteps made me jump and I turned to see Marie tip toeing out.

"It's late," I said.

"Yeah," she agreed.

"Wanna come sit?" I patted the dock next to me.

She sat and slid her skinny arm through mine.

"You okay?" This kind of thing hadn't been "allowed" for years, she was too old to gain comfort from her dad. At least it felt that way.

"I'm better. I wish I didn't hate Mom so much. I wish I didn't care that we never hear from her." Ree never volunteered to talk about her mom. Maybe it was a sign that she was starting to move past it.

I tried to gather my thoughts to share. "I want you to feel, Ree. Even though it means you have to feel all the bad stuff with the good. Imagine what it'll be like when you find someone and make your own family. How much more it will mean after what we've been through."

She leaned into me further. "And how happy you might be with Ashley."

I tried to push down the hope and see the reality of getting involved. "It's new. We have a lot working against us, so I just need you to be prepared if it—"

"Geez, Dad. Lighten up. Enjoy her."

"If it were only that easy." I chuckled as I pulled her into a tight hug.

* * *

Aviator sunglasses. Coltrane blasting on her speakers. Bandana holding back her hair, and the always assorted straps and bracelets on her wrist. I’d have a crush on her no matter what age I was.

I stared from the large lawn in front of Cooper’s place, and watched her in the driver's seat for a moment longer.

“Damn, brother. Worth the dry spell for that.” Cooper slapped my back.

“Give me just a sec, would you?” I asked as I stared.

“If it only takes you a sec, something’s not right.”

I gave him a shove, but Cooper just chuckled as he backed off and started to walk down the hill to the lake.

She paused in her car for a moment more, and adjusted a strap before pushing open the door.

“Hey!” I gave her a wave, and headed over. If I was lucky we’d get about three minutes before we were interrupted, but then I heard Ree screech from out on the lake, and realized we might get a little more.

She fingered her locket as she smiled and when she stepped around the car door I stumbled.

Bikini top with a totally sheer tank over it. Shorts that were barely smaller than a swimsuit—old jeans rolled at the waist and cut up just under her—

“It’s still okay I’m here?” Her face scrunched up.

When I stop gawking, I’ll answer
. “Of course. Yeah. Everyone’s at the lake. Hot.”
What am I, a caveman?

“Very.” Even with sunglasses on, I could feel her eyes float over my body.

“Were you just checking me out?” I teased.

“Until I get my kiss.”

Easily done. Not easily stopped.

She tasted like fruity gum and Coke and there was no way to touch her without touching skin. Inviting her to the lake had been a
very
good idea. Or a very bad one if I was considering my waning self-control where Ashley was concerned.

FIFTEEN

Ashley

My black bikini that felt perfect at home, had shrunk during the trip.

Brandt stepped away with smile that finally started to ease some of the tension that built up on my drive. Toned and tanned and something about him was broader or fuller than the guys my age, reminding me again that part of our age difference was a good thing. All I could think was how someone should be photographing this guy for GQ or something.

"I’m glad you're here," he said as he finally pulled away.

"I came prepared to stay." The words came before I realized what I might have implied, and then it hit me as his dark eyes stared into mine that maybe it was good that I'd implied something because as I let my hands fall from around his neck, they found his shoulders and biceps, turning my stomach into a mess of nervous flutters. I started wondering what it would be like to be with someone who was so…real.

“The kids will be thrilled. I think they come up here for the S’mores and nothing else, but with you here...”

"So. Now I get to meet your fam." I grinned widely, even though there was a small part of me that wished it was just us, and walked away from my car and toward the lake before thinking too much and talking myself out of the whole thing.

Marie and Trevor were way out in the lake splashing one another on inner tubes with two little kids that I guessed were their young cousins and the accompanying nannies. It hit me again that I was closer to Ree and Trevor’s age than to their dad's, and then I glanced back over my shoulder to see Brandt, which put a delightful knot of anticipation low in my gut, and it didn't matter again. Ten years was nothing. Ten years was better. So far, I’d done nothing to take care of him, and he’d done a lot to take care of me. Definitely a switch from what I was used to.

I followed the trail through the sparse trees toward the large dock that stretched far out into the water.

"Aren't you a little too young and too hot for my little brother?" A man laughed who I guessed was Cooper. He was a shorter, rounder and less handsome version of his brother. From his confident walk and smile, I guessed it hadn’t slowed him down any.

"Guys my age are a-holes." I smiled as I hit the dock determined to not let all the newness of the situation bother me.

"Good one." He stepped forward and stretched out his hand. "Cooper."

"Ashley."

"I guessed." he smirked. "And this is my wife, Lorena."

His wife was pretty, soft and dark, Latina, with a huge smile. "Welcome to the chaos." Her accent was soft and almost melodic as she watched the kids with a smile.

"Thanks." I glanced behind me and Brandt’s eyes were still on me, and he had the same small smile, but kept his distance.

"What?" I asked.

"Later." He raised his brows as he glanced at his brother. "I'm always careful what I say around these two."

"Because he knows it'll come out in conversation later." Cooper said. "Like how he's been attracted to you from the start, but has tried really hard to keep away because his life is crap. But at least he looks a little more manly than normal with his shiner."

Brandt's lips pulled into a thin line, but he was also trying hard not to smile. "Thank you, Cooper. Watch yourself tonight when you sleep."

"Everyone comes with a mess," I said. "I think it's just finding someone who gets your mess and likes you in spite of it."

Lorena gave me a sly smile before taking another drink of her soda and staring back at the kids.

I'd probably just hinted at something I had no idea if I was feeling yet or not. I knew I was attracted to Brandt and I also knew that he felt safe, but beyond that...

"Ashley!" Marie screeched as she frantically waved. "COME OUT!"

"Guess that's my cue." I glanced back at Brandt who was watching me way too intently. Yeah. Just a little space. After the drive, the lake sounded perfect. I stripped down to my suit and dove into the water before giving myself time to think. The kids I could deal with.

* * *

It was almost too hot for a fire, but Cooper was as determined as the kids. His cabin was bigger than any house I’d lived in, and the Range Rover and small Porsche in the driveway also spoke volumes about his situation.

The sun was going down, finally giving us a reprieve from the heat. Though, it was a million times cooler here than in the city.

Ree plopped herself into the chair next to mine as her dad ran inside for “supplies.”

“I can’t believe you came.”

I let myself relax into the lawn chair. “After the mess at my house, with your poor dad and the cops, it felt good to get away.”

“Yeah” She sighed. “I get that. I’m glad we moved after Mom left because our neighbors were always asking.”

I realized how little I knew about her mom. Only that she was gone and they didn’t speak.

“That was a while ago,” I prompted.

“Yeah a while.” Ree nodded.

I guessed by her non-committal answer that she didn’t want to talk about it.

“I’ve never met my dad, but Mom’s third husband is the guy I call Dad.”

“Crazy.” But Ree seemed distracted, like she was talking but thinking about something else.

I wanted to ask more, but waited too long. The three-year-old twins screamed and ran opposite directions, giving both nannies a run for their money, and Trevor was chasing a guy his age through the trees near the lake—neighbors they saw up here often I guessed. Timing felt…off.

“How old were you when you…” Ree’s face went up in flames and she stared at the fire.

“When I…?” I whispered to let her know I was okay with our conversation being private.

“When you first had sex?”

I swear if someone had blown on me at that moment, I’d have shattered. It was so unexpected. How did I answer? Like an adult? Like a friend? Like I knew her dad wanted me to?

“Your dad would want me to tell you I’m still a virgin,” I teased quietly.

That worked in at least getting her to relax. She chuckled quietly and her eyes met me more evenly. “Alex is…”

“Probably ready,” I suggested. And then I felt this enormous relief that they weren’t already doing it. My age hit me again. I wasn’t much older than her, but also way older because I was past the point of being a kid. Maybe being seen as an adult was okay and actually where I was at. Crazy.

“Yeah.” She pulled in a deep breath. “I’m thinking I’ll be nervous no matter what, so…”

“No.” I ached for the possibilities of wonderful first experiences. “Marie. You should want it as badly as he does. No matter what your age is. Since I graduated, I’ve been in relationships where I get to call the shots. If I don’t like something about the guy, or if he’s pressuring me, I walk away.”

Her brows pulled down. “Is that what you’ll do with Dad?”

Brandt dug through the cooler on the porch, probably after something without carbonation, and I started at him for a moment. “Your dad is…different. And I can’t imagine him ever, ever pressuring me into something I didn’t want. In fact, I could see the opposite happening.” Warmth rushed through me as our eyes met and we both smiled, once again caught in that happy place of newness where the other person has yet to develop flaws.

“Gross. We have to leave my dad out of this.” Marie’s giggle was nervous and infectious.

“Agreed.” I chuckled back. “But seriously, Ree. I’m twenty-three and have slept with three men. Ever. One in high school. Two in my almost six years of college. And there’s a part of me that wishes I could take it back.”

“Because you think you should be married?”

“Maybe, but, no…” I sat still for a moment, trying to explain. “Because I knew they weren't the one, and in the end they all turned out to be people I knew I didn’t want to be with. When guys want something, they put their best foot forward. When they get it…”

“They don’t.”

“Unless they’re worth keeping.” I smiled and sipped my Sprite. “But if this is what he wants, and he’s not treating you like a goddess every time you’re around…”

Marie glanced at the ground. “I just don’t think everyone understands him, that’s all.”

From the very brief glances I’d had of Alex, I understood him perfectly. He was gorgeous, cocky, and was dating a very pretty girl who he wanted to see naked. I also knew that joining in with everyone else said was not the way to win over Marie. “Maybe you’re right. But that’s not as important as how comfortable
you
feel around him. Be the one in control, Ree. Because girls almost always are, and they very rarely realize it.”

“So, how do you fall in love if you’re keeping your distance that way?”

I took another sip of my drink, wanting to answer honestly but not ready to let on what a mess I sometimes felt like. “Very carefully.”

Cooper and Brandt hollered out that we had dessert supplies, and several kids came onto the lawn from the woods to join us. The conversation was definitely over. Too many ears and eyes.

“You two look conspiring.” Brandt winked as he stepped off the porch and started making his way across the grass.

“We absolutely are.” I winked back.

“Don’t say anything to Dad, okay?” Ree leaned over. “Promise?”

I leaned back. “As long as you promise to do nothing unless
you
want it, and it’s
your
idea.”

Ree nodded and then jumped up to snatch a marshmallow from her brother to put on her stick.

“Okay?” Brandt mouthed.

“Perfect.” I smiled back as he sat next to me and laced his fingers through mine.

In a couple short months and with a few small steps that felt like jumping off a cliff, I was part of a family. The wholeness and solidness of it held me in a way that gave me comfort. I was with the ‘different normal’ people Mom always talked about. It was working, and it was a place I definitely felt like I belonged.

* * *

My back rested against the headboard, and Brandt rested against the tall footboard. The old wooden bed both fit the small cabin and was perfectly out of place.

“Was it hard to transfer law school halfway through?” he asked.

My legs rested against his, and the soft glow of the two lanterns in the room made it feel almost, but not quite, like a campout. “You know how universities are about credits.” I sighed. “But only one class didn’t transfer. I can make that up.”

He smiled. “I was very, very fortunate in that my parents paid for all my school.”

“All of it?” I couldn’t imagine what that was like.

“It was rough, you know? I had this pregnant, new wife. I was seventeen, stupid, in love, and clutching a GED.”

“And you made it
all
the way.” It was impressive, and something I might not have seen through to the end.

“All the way.” He nodded. “And look at you.”

We’d almost all made it out. “Josh was supposed to be with us.”

Brandt rested his hand around my knees. “Sorry. I’ve lost three patients to suicide. I was close to two. It’s… There just aren’t words.”

I closed my eyes for a moment and breathed in the wood smell of his cabin not wanting to think about Josh in this moment.

“Amy’s cool.”

“Yes.” I grinned. “They used to call us the energizer bunnies in college—for totally non-dirty reasons. It’s that our names both started with A, for double A batteries, and we both worked like two jobs and went to school and ran on coffee.”

“And now?”

“I’m doing the transcript thing, but I’ve given in to the idea that I’ll have a house worth of student loans at the end.”

“It’s worth it.” He gave my knees a squeeze. “Even just the sense of accomplishment.”

“You know what?” I stared at Brandt and felt the quiet of the cabin wanting to ask about Jessica but not wanting to break the mood, which was both relaxed but also charged with the energy between us.

“What?”

“This is really nice, but we’re not sleeping head to toe are we?”

“No.” He chuckled. “When you’re ready to sleep, let me know. I’m set up on the couch.”

“Uh…” I leaned forward. “You’re not sleeping on the couch.”

“It just felt like—”

But I crawled forward and cut him off with my lips. His warm hands slid around my sides.

He pulled away. “I felt like you should have your own space.”

“I don’t want it.”

He blinked and studied my face for a moment. “I’m not moving that fast.”

“Are you for real being this careful with me?” I sat back. “I’m not a kid.”

Brandt crawled to my side of the bed, resting a hand on either side of me. “I’m
well
aware you’re not a kid. It wouldn’t matter who you are. I’ve screwed up enough in this life, and I really want to do the right thing.”

“Which is?”

“Taking it slow. Slower than my body wants to. Slower than
I
want to. And so far, we’ve done a really bad job at slow.”