After All (9 page)

TEN

Brandt

I hated being so back and forth with a woman who was so perfect and gorgeous and fun. Hated it.

She nearly unwound me as she crawled around in her car in her cutoffs, and small tank. After doing everything in my power to watch the movie instead of watching
her
watch the movie, we were driving home.

It was way too soon and not soon enough.

“Wait.” She glanced my way. “Where’s your car?”

“At work. Took a cab to meet you downtown. Long story involving parking lot construction and my lateness.”

“Do we need to get it?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to say goodnight to her in the parking lot at my work. “I’ll deal tomorrow.”

“How? That sucks. Let’s just do it now.” She smiled wide. “You can show me your office.”

Flashes of a few things I’d love to do to her in my office floated through my head, but I shoved them away. I still had no idea what I was doing here. Only that I was sitting next to a woman I really wanted to sit next to. After that, it was a mess.

“Okay. Take the next left.”

In what felt like seconds we were at my office, across the parking lot, through the secured doors and in the hallway, bumping into each other more often than not and me desperately trying not to notice, again, the lack of bra.

She leaned against the wall as I unlocked my door. “Bet you have a messy office.”

“You guess correctly.” I held open the door for her and she ducked under my arm to get through, her side brushing against me on her way, further tightening the anticipation.

Ashley paused in the center of the small, white brick room. Every horizontal space held books and stacks of files. “It’s not as big as I expected.”

“No large couches and open spaces for people to spill their guts,” I agreed.

Her smile was wide as she turned to me. “So, mostly you do group stuff then?”

I was strung up too tight in nerves to guess if she cared or was just making conversation. “Mostly. Yes.”

Her deep eyes were on me, and a hint of a smile played at the edges of her mouth. “Is this the part of the night where you tell me you had a good time even though you were stuck in tuxedo shoes and dress pants all night?”

“It was fun, Ash. Really.”

She blinked and I swear her eyes changed a little each time. She took one step closer, and I knew it in that moment I could kiss her. That she’d be okay with it. That she’d probably kiss me back.

I couldn’t breathe. My tongue swelled up and I shoved my hands in my pockets. I was panicking like an idiot.

Two kids. Ages. She was still a student. I’d only barely convinced myself that I could be a dad, and now what… I was going to rob another woman of her youth with my kids? Jessica had been unsure of keeping the baby both times we got pregnant, but we had. I thought I could carry her, and them and me. And I couldn’t. Ashley would be stepping in and just… I wasn’t sure what.

“We should go.” I stepped back out of the office, staring at the carpet because I couldn’t take any amount of surprise, disappointment or relief that might be in her eyes.

Too many things spun around in my head as we silently walked through the dark hall together.  No teasing bumps or accidental brushes this time. My brother would want a full report and what would I say? We all found a friend? My mistake?

Actually. Probably yes. But the moment that thought went through my head, selfish as it was, I was desperate for more.

Ashley leaned against her car and stared at me with her huge, dark eyes.

“Weren’t you going to kiss me goodnight?” She put enough tease in her voice to keep herself safe, which I could totally understand.

And I wanted to. Glanced at her lips. Thought about running my hand around her waist. About how her body would feel next to mine.

“I’m totally flattered, but—”

The way she cringed and then tried not to show it twisted my gut. She held her hand up between us, her face going flat. “Please. Just… I don’t know. Let me walk away with some dignity, okay? I won’t bring it up again if you won’t.”

“No.” This wasn’t what I wanted at all. “Gah.” I ran a hand through my hair like it would somehow help me think of the perfect thing to say and walked closer to her. “It’s not that I don’t want to. I mean…look at you. And I love running with you and talking and…”

She looked hurt, rejected, everything I didn’t want her to feel. And the sadness I'd seen in her eyes seemed magnified.

“Trust me, Ashley.” I moved toward her until my arms rested against the car on either side of her. Not the best position for keeping my distance, but I loved being so close. “I’ve thought about kissing you a million times since you moved in. And even more once I got to know you. I don’t get what you see in me.”

Our breathing echoed between us, and she leaned in first, letting her eyes fall closed. I leaned in and brushed my lips across hers once, then again. Her hands found their way around my neck, and she pulled us together further.

Everything about her felt perfect. Her small lips, her strong arms. Her warmth.

Maybe I was being stupid. Ridiculous. Over thinking.

I slid my hands around the waist I’d stared at too many times, and brought her closer, deepening our kiss. There was no rush. We had nowhere to be, and as our tongues slid together and the saltiness of her lips touches mine, and her body arched toward me. I couldn’t imagine letting her go.

“I feel safe,” she breathed. “With you.”

Her words crashed into me and I slid my hands to her face, cupping her small cheeks. I knew enough of her past to take her words as the compliment they were. How did a kiss feel like so much more? We hovered for a moment, both waiting for the other to make the first move until our lips met again. We kissed even slower this time. Like we were feeling each other. Tasting each other. Enjoying the moment in the quiet dark of the empty parking lot.

Ashley leaned back slightly, and I let her go, still watching her, still locked into the moment. I wanted this to be just Ashley and me, but starting something with her was about so much more.

I rubbed my face with both hands and took another deep breath in. “We need to talk.”

She shook her head with this knowing look in her eye as if she knew what I was going to say. “I just—”

Now that I knew there was definitely something here, we had to have the conversation I didn’t want to. The one where I’d have to lay out my situation and my fear of getting involved with anyone. “I’m not just me. I’m me and two other people. I have to talk.”

“Fair enough.”

I took her hand and we both leaned against the edge of the hood of my car. Her hand was so small, but so strong, and I ran my thumb across her palm over and over. The soft skin I’d been wanting to touch since we met. Ashley’s face looked more vulnerable than I ever remembered seeing it, and I wanted to wipe that vulnerability away. Wanted to see her strength like I did when we ran or when she talked to Ree and Trevor.

“You’re worried about your kids,” she guessed.

“Yes. Of course. It’s more than that, though. It’s me not being able to help but wonder if you know what you’re in for with me. What you’ll miss out on by being with someone older.”
If you’ll end up feeling the same frustration Jessica had
.

“We’re not talking marriage, Brandt.” She actually scooted away, and I was equal parts relieved and terrified of what it might mean.

“I know…” How to explain without sounding like an ass. “I can’t do the casual dating thing, and at your age, that’s what you should be doing.”

“What were you doing at my age?” She bumped her shoulder to mine with a soft smile. Some of her strength was coming back, and I was relieved. Mostly because her seeming strong would make me feel like less of a jerk with the horribly awkward position I was putting her in.

“Wrestling with a four and five year old and eating Ramen noodles while I did everything I could to get through school as fast as possible.” Maybe now she’d get it. What I wasn’t sure she was ready for.

The smile fell from her face as she absorbed what I just said.

“And you turned out okay.” She reached forward then and pushed her finger into the dimple on my left cheek. The one I hated before this moment.

“I know I could really fall for you, and I don’t know if you feel at all the same, but I feel like…”

She pushed off the car and stood facing me, close enough that one of her legs rested between my knees. “You feel like you’re worried about me because you’re older, have kids, and don’t want to just mess around.”

“Yes. That.” I nodded knowing that it could go either way. That she could decide either way. Or the most likely is that she’d push forward and realization on her part would hit so late that it might ruin us both.

“I don’t think the kid issue is as big as you think it is.” She cocked her head to the side, watching me. “I already adore your kids—”

“It isn’t the same as being a parent. As being put in the awkward position of being together or breaking up, with the kids.”

“I know that.” She sighed as she rested her hands on either of my shoulders. “Can we just…go out? Relax, Brandt. Maybe we’re not as far apart as you think we are.”

“Maybe we aren’t.” I stood up and wrapped my arms around her, knowing that probably nothing I said really sank in, but I guess I should be flattered that she shrugged off my concerns and wanted to do something else together. “Night, Ashley.”

She tightened her arms around my back and leaned her head on my chest. Perfect. She fit perfect. “If I walk you to your door when we get home, would I get another kiss?”

“You
have
to know how much I want to.”
And more.
“But… It’s that I need for you to really think about this. I don’t even feel like it’s fair for me to ask so much of you right now. I’m asking you to make this big decision before we get more involved. But I like you enough to already be involved, and your relationship with my kids happened before this. I know… I know it’s not fair of me to be basically asking what your intentions are… Or whatever this is.” I suddenly felt like an idiot, but it all still needed to be said.

She backed out of our hug. “But you can’t date someone without your kids, and now I feel like I’m being punished because I met your kids first.”

“I just want you to take a few days and think. Okay? If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t, but just…” I hated it. Hated that I was afraid to just date an incredible girl. But there was no way I was going to risk hurting my kids the way I had with their mom. Or how it could have been with my brief affair with Becky.

“Okay.” Ashley sighed and walked to her car. My whole body twitched wanting to follow her. Wanting to continue to kiss her, to feel the high I got from her body next to mine.

“No. Wait.” She stopped and scowled at me over her car. “Can you please take your kids out of the equation for just a minute?”

She didn’t get it. Not yet. Not at all.

“No, Ash. I can’t. My kids are part of the equation. It’s a mistake I’ve made before that I don’t intend to make again.” Maybe now she’d understand.

“I like your kids. A lot.”

“That’s not the problem. I’m so afraid that you’re going to step into our lives and then realize that’s not where you want to be when you’re in your early twenties. And I wouldn’t blame you for it. It wasn’t easy.”

“Okay.” She let out a long sigh her small, perfect mouth pulling into a frown. “I’ll be thinking then.”

Wishing I could just let all my worries go, I stood next to my car and watched her back away. She was right here, only somehow now exquisitely untouchable, and I wished I’d have been able to shut off my brain for one night and enjoy being with her. I really had to stop over-thinking.

* * *

“What’s that face?” Cooper smirked as I stumbled out of my car in the wide driveway of his cabin. I hadn’t slept all night after Ashley drove away. Cabin and fresh air was more likely to force me into a nap than anything else. The four Cokes I forced myself to drink on the drive weren’t helping at all.

Ree and Trevor raced past me toward the lake where the neighbors’ kids were already waiting.

I knew I had no idea what I was doing. I also knew I’d probably just made a stupid mistake and pushed Ashley away when maybe if she was in deep enough the kids wouldn’t matter, my age wouldn’t matter, our past wouldn’t matter. Not that I’d given her a chance to absorb any of my past because it wasn’t just mine. It belonged to my kids, too. But at least I was upfront with everything else.

“Dude.” Cooper slapped my back as he led me toward the lake. “How badly did you screw it up?”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” I rubbed my eyes again to no avail. My body still wanted to collapse on the porch.

“No, but seriously.” He shook me a few times as he squeezed my shoulder. “How bad did you screw up?”

I shrugged him off and flopped into a chair, throwing me feet up and kicking off my sandals. It was early morning, already hot, and I was ready for fall.