After All (17 page)

TWENTY-TWO

Brandt

Twelve days. I shouldn’t have been counting. It was stupid. It’s that it still hurt, and still felt longer. I pulled in to Taco Bell on my way home knowing the kids would be thrilled with our crap dinner.

I slid my fingers over my phone a few times, wishing Ashley would call. Text. Anything. It was stupid, and at this point, I needed to let her go, and to focus on the fact that she was still talking to my kids. She’d gone to Trevor’s first football practice the other day, and I knew Ree had stopped in a few times. She felt so close, but further away than she’d ever been.

I pulled up in front of my house to see Trevor, Ashley, Ree, Alex (shirtless and touching Ree on the arm) and Amy all shooting hoops in the front yard. I froze, wishing I could disappear down the block so I wouldn't interrupt. Ashley stopped briefly and then her mom waved at her and they climbed into Ashley's car. All the while, I knew I shouldn't watch her. My chest felt both like it would explode and cave in at the same time.

Our eyes caught as they passed my car, and I couldn't let her go. There was still so much sadness and I hated myself a little again for how this had turned so wrong.

Once Ashley was around the corner I gasped, not realizing I'd been holding my breath. I wasn't supposed to feel so much so fast. I should have dated someone for months before feeling so much. I pushed open the car door, flooding it with August heat.

"How are you guys playing in this mess?" I asked as I stepped out.

"Occasional sprinkler runs." Trevor grinned.

Alex gave me a chin tilt as a hello, which made me want to lecture him on politeness and manners, and Ree's eyes were trained on his face with that puppy-like loyalty, which I wished I could shake out of her. She should still be grounded for her stunt, but when Ree texted to say Ashley and Amy were coming over... I just didn't want them to miss out.

Trevor ran the ball for an easy layup, which earned protests from Ree and Alex about interference.

And I stood still, watching Amy, wondering of there was a polite or easy way to ask about Ashley, whether or not Amy thought we might be able to salvage anything.

"Wanna talk?" Amy stepped toward the house and I followed relieved that I hadn't had to find a way to bring it up.

The cool air hit me in a welcome blast as I stepped inside.

"You two are being stupid," she said as the door closed behind us.

"Don't hold back, Amy. Tell me how it is." I tried to tease, but it came out all wrong.

Amy sighed. "Look. I don't know how you feel about my friend, but—"

"I miss her. I was just in the car and I—"

"You knew her past. About Josh. Why didn't you tell her about your wife in a way that she would have felt sorry for you instead of this? She should feel awful for the situation that you were in, but now she’s just confused and hurt."

"A question for you first."

Amy nodded that I should go ahead.

"Do you think that would have made a huge difference?"

Amy's face fell a little. "She's so stubborn. I don't know."

"And to answer your question. That is easily the worst time in my life. The worst. The thing that keeps me awake at night. That has kept me nearly single since my wife was arrested. I couldn't very well tell her the night Josh's dad came here. And it's not just my story, it's Ree and Trevor's as well."

Amy nodded again in understanding.

"And I'm not making excuses here, but we didn't have time, Amy. We hadn't been together that long. Of course now I wish I would have told her in the beginning. But if I could do it again, and if I could know she wouldn't find out on her own, I probably would have waited another week or two before we talked about it. Maybe even talk to her with Marie. I'd have expected she'd need some time to absorb, but—"

"But it didn't happen that way."

"No."

"I would have told her before we...got more serious…" But I trailed off, knowing Amy would catch on. "I would have told her before that, knowing her well enough to know she'd need time."

Amy took a long breath in. "Ashley and I are both funny about relationships. It's the fierce independence that comes from growing up with parents who were too busy working to be around. Or too busy being assholes to bother. Or just watching too much crap happen in good people's lives."

We stood in the quiet for a moment, but I had to know, even though in ways it was the last question I wanted answered. "Do you... Do you think she'll come around? At all?"

"I don't know, Brandt. But I will say that every girl wants a guy willing to fight for them."

"I don't want to drive her away. I'd rather have friendship than nothing." I didn't want to push too much, and there was still a part of me that felt like I should let her go.

"Then tell her."

"I don't..." I wasn't sure how without invading her space.

"She's been staring at her phone a lot, Brandt. Don't make me spell it out for you." Amy moved back toward the door.

"You're a good friend."

"The best." She winked before stepping back outside and I fumbled with my phone before deciding on another text.

TWENTY-THREE

Ashley

My new phone dinged in a text and I snatched it off the side table.

Brandt
:
Being friends is better than nothing. Miss hanging out. Let me know when you’re ready to ask questions because if I were you, I’d have a lot. I’m ready to answer. More than ready. I want to answer. Say the word, Ash.

Mom smiled and gave me a sideways hug, "I'm going home. Stop being your obstinate self and talk to the guy. No one is perfect, Ashley. I wish I'd have talked less about
our
people and
other
people, leading you to believe there was such a thing as a perfect life. Everyone has a mess somewhere.”

"I want—"

"You're holding on to this like you're holding on to Josh. Let it go."

I grit my teeth, but almost immediately relaxed. There was no point in arguing with Mom.

* * *

Trevor stepped onto the back porch and slowly walked to where me, Josh, and his Snapple bottle sat in the grass.

“Hey, Trev.”

“Hey.” He sat near me and picked up a few daisies, twirling them between his fingers.

“Where’s your smile?” I teased as I kicked his leg.

“I’m tired.”

My gut sank and then turned over. I slid Josh back into my bag. “What’s up?”

“I just… I know you’re mad, but can I tell you the story how I remember it?”

My fingers shook as I fingered the metal cap of Josh’s Snapple. I was terrified of what he’d say. Anger was simple. Clean. And I knew before he opened his mouth that he was about to make it messy. “Of course you can talk, Trevor. I’ve missed you.” I bumped him again. I’d been able to keep Ree from pleading her dad’s case, but I couldn’t say no to Trevor’s normally bright eyes being so sad.

“I know Marie hates Mom. I mean… She was older and got hurt the worst. The thing is… Her life was hard. I’m not making excuses; I’m just saying that we covered for her. It didn’t happen often. We had a lot of fun with Mom, too. She just had a hard time when Dad got stuck at work a lot, and when he was in school.”

It took everything in me to not give in to the flashes of anger I felt. “There is no excuse for hitting your kids when it’s not deserved, Trevor.”

“I know.” He nodded. “I know that, but I swear Dad didn’t know. Not until way near the end. I heard everything they said when he found out. He was so angry, Ashley. His voice was low and furious. We stayed with Uncle Cooper for a week to give Mom a break. Dad hung out with us every night there, and spent extra time with Mom…

“I lied to Dad, Ashley. Marie lied to dad, but mostly me. Marie has always tried to get what she wants, and even if she
had
told Dad, I’m not sure that he would have believed her, and I wouldn’t have blamed him.”

“It makes me realize how much I like you guys.”

“What?”

“That I want to kill her.” I chuckled so he’d know I was sort of kidding.

Trevor shook his head. “I miss her. I get more why she got angry than why she just disappeared.”

There was really nothing to say to that, because I didn't get it either. Who would leave these two behind?

“I’m so sorry, Trevor.”

He shrugged. “It is what it is. And this might be me overstepping or whatever, but Dad really did what he thought was right. When he came home and saw Ree, that was the end of it. He called the cops, and she went crazy on him… But Dad got us through it. We went to group therapy for a while, but they sent us home because we didn’t really need it. Dad saved us."

I blinked furiously to hold in tears as Trevor finished. How would Josh have been if his mom had watched out for him? Made it all stop?

“You know a friend of mine was abused through high school. He was one who slipped through the cracks, and he killed himself two years ago.”

“I’m sorry, Ash.” Trevor stopped picking apart the grass he held.

“You know what?” I pulled in a deep breath. “I’m so proud of you for coming over here. I hope that doesn’t sound condescending or weird, but I love that you came.”

“Miss you.”

“Me, too.”

“Hope you still come watch me play sometimes.”

“Definitely.” I bumped his leg again my chest full of too many emotions to put in one place.

He stood up and brushed off his shorts. “I’m gonna help Dad with dinner. You could come…”

“I have a lot to process.”

“I get it.” He nodded.

“You’re pretty remarkable, you know that?” I grinned as I stood up and wrapped my arms around Trevor’s skinny body.

“Thanks.” He ducked his head down as stepped back from me and loped out the back gate.

And I was right. Trevor had made everything messy.

I think part of me knew it couldn’t be as horrible as I imagined. Mom was right. I let my whole life fall apart over this? I definitely had a lot of thinking to do. I needed to run, which meant that I’d probably spend another night without sleep.

* * *

Nothing came into sharp focus as I ran, but I started to realize Mom was right. Trevor was right. When I thought about how mad I was at Brandt, I thought about Josh as much as Ree and Trevor. I thought about how he'd been the first person I'd dated who felt real. And I also realized I missed him. It would be hard, though. There was a past there I didn't understand, and there's where Mom was right. No one is perfect.

Which brought me back to me. The darkness of the night and the pounding of my feet helped me to look at myself and the larger picture of my life. Donetta was also right. I was trying to do a job I didn't love because I was angry. Maybe there was something else I could do that would still honor my friend, but also be for me. I just had to figure out what it was.

With so little sleep, and not a lot of food, I slowed to a walk, knowing I wasn't ready to head home. Not quite. I was about to sort out my life, and I may have used what I learned about myself from other people, but when it came to who I did or didn't want to be with, or what I wanted to do after school... That was all on me. And as soon as I knew it was mine, for me, for no one else, the pieces started to fall into place.

* * *

“Amy!” I burst into her room, realizing too late that five in the morning was maybe not the best time to tell her about my revelation.

“Ash. Just because you’ve been suffering from insomnia, doesn’t mean the rest of the house isn’t sleeping.” She pulled her pillow around her head as she rolled away from me.

I sat next to her on the bed, not to be deterred. “I get what I’m supposed to do now.”

She groaned. “Tell me already so I can get back to sleep.”

“I’m going to be a counselor.”

The room was still for a moment until Amy rolled over looking confused. “How do you do that with a law degree?” Her voice was still morning scratchy.

“You don’t.” I grinned. “But I’m okay with that. I’m going to go see an academic advisor at ASU today.”

“You’re crazy, Ashley.”

“But it’s sorta perfect, right?” I didn’t need her to be excited for me, but it would definitely help.

Amy gave me a small smile. “It’s totally perfect. You’re going to be fantastic. And once you make up with the hot man next door you two can make lots and lots of gorgeous babies and save the world one messed up person at a time. Now can I go back to sleep?”

“Yep.” I squeezed her arm one more time before dashing out of her room and stopping in the dark, quiet of the living room. My high from all the pieces falling into place began to fade away as I realized the person I really wanted to tell was Brandt, and I had no idea how.

TWENTY-FOUR

Brandt

I knotted my laces up and stepped into the hot air. My legs felt too heavy to run, but I wasn’t sure how else to start my day. I did about thirty seconds of quick stretches, all automatic, and started down the steps.

And froze when Ashley came into view. Running shorts, messy hair and wide eyes.

“Hey. So. I had this revelation about an hour ago, and realized I wanted to share it with you, but we weren’t talking…” she trailed off, and my throat had closed off, so I waited for her to continue.

“So… So, I thought that we should be talking again.”

A million things flashed through my head. Maybe we would salvage something like friends. “That would be great.”

“I’m not really ready to run. Actually I've been running for half the night. Would you be okay with a short walk?” she asked.

What she didn’t realize was that I’d do anything she asked. “Of course. Yeah.”

We both stepped forward and then stopped like I didn’t know which way she wanted to talk and she didn’t know which way I wanted to walk and then the most amazing thing happened. She grinned widely because this was all kinds of awkward.

“This way.” She nearly walked past me before my brain caught up and told my body to move.

“Can I say just a few things?” I asked. There had been a million things I wanted to tell her about me and Jessica and the kids, and wasn’t sure how.

“Yep.” She shuffled her feet on the sidewalk in her worn running shoes.

“It wasn’t like you think. In our house. I’m so worried you have the wrong idea.” All I could think was that her closest experience with abuse was that massive man who nearly broke my nose.

She let out a slow sigh. “Part of me knew that, I’ve just… I think I’m still dealing with things I thought I’d let go.”

Now that she was so close, I was definitely ready to fight for her. “I want to talk. I want to explain.”

She blinked a few times, making me question whether or not I should have just jumped in. “Just no excuses, please. I’ve heard too many.”

I pulled in a deep breath, making my ribs feel like I was stretching them a mile too far. “But it’s what I
do,
Ashley. I help people with anger management issues and people with addiction issues. And I was in love. I mean really, really in love. It made me blind to a lot of things. Not often, Ash, but sometimes I’d come home and Ree would have some sort of bruise and she’d tell me that she fell while running up the stairs. Little kids get banged up. It happens all the time. Jessica would be so caring toward her that I couldn’t even bring myself to think it. When it all came out, it took me a long time to recover from how I should have protected them, and maybe I haven’t recovered from it. Not yet. I will never live long enough to make it up to my kids.”

“But—”

“You also have to know that months and months would go by where we all felt normal. I convinced myself that I was being paranoid. Jessica would laugh when I’d bring a bruise up and tease me about bringing too much work home. I knew that I was. That I was overanalyzing. I get sick thinking about it now. The idea that any part of me knew, or suspected, and that I didn’t do everything I could to make sure, makes me feel like a complete imposter of a father, and someone who might not deserve second chances.” All my words came out in a rush, like I wanted to make sure she heard everything when no one was running or yelling so she could absorb.

“Everyone deserves second chances,” she said quietly, and I finally allowed a real feeling of hope to push through.

As much as I wanted to talk more about this, to hope that she could see that I wasn’t trying to hide, that I wasn’t pushing off my responsibility, she wanted to talk.

“I’m… I’m on the mend, is that okay with you?” she asked.

I reached out and grasped her hand. “We’re all on the mend in one way or another, Ashley.”

Her small fingers squeezed mine.

“And what’s happening with you? I’ve been in court a lot the past couple weeks and haven’t seen you.”

“I quit my internship. I’m quitting law school.”

“What?” I stopped to see her face, but her smile told me everything. She’d found something else.

“I want to counsel the victims. Teens in bad situations. I guess I want to grow up to be just like you,” she teased.

I thought about how Trevor came home lighter, and how much better Ree had been doing. “It’s hard, but you’d be fantastic.”

“It was harder being on the legal side of it. I felt like that was my anger pushing me forward. If I was doing something like what you do, it wouldn’t be my anger motivating me, and I think that’s a good thing.” Everything in her words said that she’d given this a lot of thought.

My thumb ran over the back of her hand again and again. Her. Her skin. Her closeness. It was all enough to help my body relax into the thought that I might get another chance with her. “That’s huge, Ashley. Are you excited?”

“Nervous, a little.” She nodded as we started to walk again. “I’m going to go park myself in the Academic Advisor’s office today until someone helps me figure out what undergrad classes I’d need to get into the graduate program, and I’ll be racking up more loans, but…”

“But it’ll be worth it.”

“Yeah.”

We walked in silence for a while. And then even further. I was so glad for her company that I didn’t mind missing my run or that words weren’t tumbling out of our mouths like they sometimes did when we were together.

“I need to head home and shower and get ready to get my fall semester figured out,” she said.

“Okay.” I took the next right knowing that would loop us around.

“Being able to walk in silence and have it be comfortable is sort of a cool thing, huh?” she asked as we continued to shuffle along.

“It definitely is.”

* * *

It was probably one of the last things I should have been doing, but my vinyl was stacked in piles on the living room floor as I re-sorted.

“Dad, do you even listen to this?” Trevor made a face as he lifted up a record.

“Not often, but the soundtrack to South Pacific is a classic.”

“Why are you doing this again?” He pulled up a few more albums.

“Because I agree with Ashley. The only genre that should be alphabetized on its own is soundtracks, all the others should be together. There are too many bleed-overs between genres.”

“You guys are so weird.”

“Not your music,” I said as I got the last of the A’s on the shelf.

“No. Mine is all in here.” He held up his phone. “And there’s probably just as much as what’s taken over our living room.”

There was really no point in explaining that some albums were just made to be on vinyl.

Trev jumped to the door when we heard a knock, and I figured it was one of his football friends. They’d been over a lot with the school year about ready to start up again.

“Hey, Trevor.”

My heart jumped. Ashley.

“Welcome to the mess.” He laughed as he stepped back.

“Wow.” Her brows went up as she smiled. “This is quite a project.”

“You were right. About the genres. I had to re-sort,” I said over my shoulder, trying to hide my excitement that she was here.

“
Had
to?” she asked.

“Yes. Had to.” I smirked as I started on the pile of B’s I’d made.

“Want another set of hands?”

“That would be great.”

“I’m gonna head out and play football with Jackson.” Trevor moved for the door.

“Don’t you need your shoes?” I asked.

Trevor rolled his eyes. “XBOX, Dad.”

“Oh. Right.”

Ashley chuckled. “Crazy that you don’t even need to be in the same room or the same state or the same country to play video games with someone.”

“Agreed.”

She smiled and kneeled to my left to hand me another stack of B’s, and the front door closed behind Trevor.

“How did your meeting go today?” I asked. It was killing me that she was right here because what I really wanted to ask was—what are we? Anything? Something? Friends? More? And just earlier today I was thrilled for friends, now that she was so close I could smell her shampoo… I wanted more.

“Great.” She flipped through the stack of albums closest to her as I straightened the ones already on the shelf.

“Get it figured out?”

“Yeah.” She sighed. “A few more years of school for me, but I’m okay with that.”

“Good.”

“I got a lot figured out.”

I glanced back and let myself stare into her eyes for a minute. “I’m glad for you, Ashley. Really.”

Hope was pressing in, but I pushed it away. Sitting next to her and just talking was more than what I expected a week ago.

“Including how I feel about you.” Her small body tensed up in maybe nerves or uncertainty.

I raised a brow and gave her a smile, hoping to release some of the tension from her features.

“I think the age difference is good. I’ve been taking care of myself since I can remember because Mom’s always worked such weird hours. Only one husband in the three that I remember while living with her was anything like a dad.”

“Oh.” And I remembered some brief discussions on her mom, but it made me realize what an odd and complicated relationship they had.

“Which really means that I’ve been practically an adult for almost as long as you. And means that I have a hard time relating to the guys my age who don’t know how to do laundry.” She smiled a little. “And you were actually apologizing even when I was horrible to you and so angry I couldn’t stop to listen.”

“Totally understandable.”

“But it wouldn’t have been understood by most people.”

I shrugged. I agreed with her, but I wasn’t about to be the one to put myself up on any kind of a pedestal.

“And I love your kids. I love your food. I love…” She swallowed hard. “I love the way you’re looking at me right now.”

I started to lean toward her, but stopped, realizing she might still be talking friends. And then her lips touched mine. The briefest kiss before she pulled away, but placing her arm over my shoulder.

“And also because even just those small kisses do amazing things to me.” Her minty breath hit my face as she spoke.

I wanted her. Every inch. Every piece. Every amount of crazy, love, tears, joy, everything. I slid my arm around her neck, pulled her to me and kissed her again.