After Math (6 page)

“Really?”

“Really.” I can’t believe how
happy
I feel right now. It’s such an unfamiliar emotion that I barely recognize it. “You didn’t have to do this, Tucker. The university is paying me to tutor you. Besides, we’re friends. ”

“I know. But I wanted you to know how much I appreciate you.”

I’m nearly speechless. “Thank you.” I finally get out.

“You’re welcome.”

We stare at each other for a couple of seconds. I have no idea what he’s thinking, but I’m amazed this thoughtful guy is the same person who fuels the university’s gossip. I’m so grateful he’s part of my life.

“So what are you doing now?” he asks.

I take a deep breath. My nerves feel like they’re about to jump out of my skin. “I’m meeting someone from my Arabic class at Panera to study for a test on Wednesday.”

“Panera should give you some kind of frequent-customer discount.”

“Yeah,” I laugh. “Where are you off to?”

“Training. Then some quality time with Western civ.”

“That’s right. We have another test coming up next week.”

“Maybe we could...” Tucker shakes his head, rubbing the back of his neck, then releases a long exhale. “When do you meet your friend?”

“At six-thirty.” I shift the strap of my bag on my shoulder. “I need to get going.” My clock is still in my hand, with the handle of my bag looped over my fingers. I should put the clock in the bag, but I can’t make myself do it yet. I still can’t believe he’s given me a gift, let alone such a perfect one.

“I’ll walk you out.”  He reaches for the strap of my messenger bag and slides it down my arm, then hooks it over his shoulder. It’s a simple thing, but I can read so much into it. The gift. Taking my bag. What does this mean? Is that what friends do?

We head for the staircase.

“I’ve been thinking about Daniel Bailey,” he says, his demeanor shifting again. He’s quiet, thoughtful now, with a twinge of sorrow. “I…I hope I didn’t sway you to not go out with him because of what I said.”

“You didn’t really say anything, Tucker.”

“I know. Look, Bailey and I don’t get along because I’m an asshole. He’s entitled to his opinion of me. I earned it.” He stops at the exterior door, his hand on the handle, keeping his gaze on my mouth. “I think he’s probably a nice guy, Scarlett. If you want to go out with him, you probably should.” His eyes shift to mine.

My breath freezes, and I’m not sure how to process everything that’s just happened within the last few minutes. “You think I should go out with Daniel Bailey?”

A war of emotions flashes in his eyes and finally settles on acceptance. “You deserve a nice guy, Scarlett.”

But what about you
? stays tacked to the tip of my tongue. Where did that come from? How can I misinterpret our being friends to Tucker wanting to go out with me? And where did this sudden desire to go out with Tucker come from? I feel like I’ve been struck by a lightning bolt of want.
I want Tucker Price
. My knees start to buckle from the shock. It steals my breath, and I fight not to suck in a lungful of air. Instead, I smile, my chin quivering. “I’ll think about it.”

He pushes open the door and a gust of cold air blasts my face, springing tears into my eyes.

“I can walk you to your car.” He looks down at me with sad resignation. Sorrow oozes from him, filling the air and choking me with it.

Or is it my own?

This revelation is shocking and strong, as though I’ve run headlong into a wall. I cannot confuse his thoughtfulness with romantic interest in me. This is why me trying to date is a terrible idea. I get caught in a quagmire of confusion and anxiety, unable to read simple social cues. Tucker is encouraging me to go out with Daniel. He’s not interested me in other than as a friend. He’s never hinted that we were more than friends.

Tucker waits for an answer. The wind blows his hair, making it stand on end. His cheeks are turning pink, and his hands are shoved in his pockets. He shifts his weight to one side.

How could this happen?
When
did this happen? This is terrible. Horrifying. The one person I want is the one person I can’t have. Tucker Price flits from girl to girl, party to party, from one destructive situation to another. We live in different worlds that barely intersect, and that’s only with algebra. Which I love and he hates.

“Scarlett?” His voice is gentle, and it sharpens my pain.

I shake my head. “No.”

Confusion furrows his brow. “I can’t walk you to your car?”

“I have to go.” I turn and head toward the parking lot.

“Scarlett! Wait.” Tucker runs in front of me and blocks my path. Worry pinches the bridge of his nose. “Did I do something?”

“No.” I shake my head, desperate to get away from him. “I’m going to be late.” I try to step around him, but he moves in front of me.

“Something’s wrong. What did I do?”

You’re too kind and thoughtful. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before. You see me, the me I keep carefully hidden behind facts and pretense. You see through the layers I’ve built up over the last twenty years. You give me hope when I have no right to feel it. That’s what you’ve done. You’ve made me feel for the first time in longer than I can remember.
But I say none of these things, and instead attempt to swallow the burning lump that clogs my throat.
I will not cry. I will not cry.

“I’m tired. Maybe I overdid it yesterday.” My smile is weak and is probably worse than no smile at all. “It’s been a long day, and I still have hours of study time ahead of me.” All these things are true. But only partially.

Tucker recognizes the half-truth, but doesn’t respond. He steps toward me and wraps his arms around my back and holds me close. “I’m sorry,” he whispers into my ear. Then he releases me, hands me my book bag, and he’s gone.

I stand on the sidewalk, trying to stop shaking. The street lamp overhead casts long shadows around me. The shadows of the bench and the trash can and a nearby tree are dark and thick. But mine is gray and obscure, the hint of me is there, but only a ghost compared to the world around me.

How long have I existed in this nether world? Living in it but not part of it? Standing on the sidelines as a bystander? I’m like an alien, exiled to a foreign land in which I never fit, no matter how hard I try. For twenty years I’ve lived alone, keeping me safely tucked inside, but it’s an illusion. A lie. I thought I could protect myself from the horror of my home life growing up, but all I’ve done is isolate and ostracize myself from the world. I’d always hoped someone would hold the key to open the door to my prison. Someone I felt safe letting in. Now I’ve found him.

And he doesn’t want me.

I take several deep breaths, counting to ten before I find the energy to walk to my car. Studying with Anne is a blur, and I go through the motions, forcing myself to concentrate.

This is so unlike me that it shakes me to my core.

By the time I’ve left Panera, I’ve regained control and even decided that I’m overreacting. So I have some schoolgirl crush on Tucker Price. Who doesn’t? This is a good sign, that I can actually have feelings about a guy, instead of the apathy I’ve had with every other guy I’ve gone out with.

When I get home, I close myself in my room and pull out my homework. My fingers curl around my mechanical pencil and the lead glides across the paper, the crisp, smooth sound filling the quiet of my room. My lamp pools light on my desk. I’m in my own little world. Numbers and variables fill the page and my head, easing back the prickly emotions that make me uneasy. This is my nirvana.

And for the first time, it’s not enough.

Chapter Fourteen

I’ve seen movies and read books in which the girl secretly pined for a boy who didn’t know she existed. I never understood why she didn’t move on. Why she got so
stuck
. But now I get it.

I’m living it.

Only it might be better if Tucker didn’t acknowledge me instead of showering me with niceness. We sit at Panera going over Tuesday’s algebra lesson. I’ve convinced myself that being with him in some way, even as a friend, is better than not being with him at all. He’s sweet and jokes with me, coaxing out my smiles. After thirty minutes, I’m more relaxed, and he seems relieved. He’s not awkward with this moody me, just subdued until I open up more.

“Are we still on tonight?” he asks, but he doesn’t look at me. He keeps his gaze on the notebook in front of him.

If I were smart, I’d say no. If I had any sense in my head, I’d convince the chancellor that Tucker needs another tutor. But my intelligence has fled along with my self-control and my common sense.

He glances into my face as I hesitate, probably because I hesitate, and I see the fear in his eyes.

He knows.

Of course he knows. Why else would he apologize yesterday? He’d done nothing to apologize for. He knows, and yet he pretends like he doesn’t.

I take several deep breaths and count to ten. I’m never nervous around Tucker, at least not until now. Now I’ve ruined everything.

He’s still waiting for an answer.

As much as I want to be with him, I can’t. It hurts too much. “No.”

His eyes widen and disappointment sweeps over his face. “Why not?”

I can’t admit the real reason why, and I don’t want to lie to him. I decide to tell him something that will make everyone happy. Everyone but me. “I already have plans tonight.”

“Oh.”

He doesn’t ask any more questions, but he’s quiet for the rest of our session. When our time is up, we pack up our things, and Tucker walks me to my car like he usually does. But this time feels different.

I twist the keys in my hand. “So I’ll see you Thursday. You’re doing great, Tucker. You may not need my help for much longer at this rate.”

He doesn’t respond for several seconds. “Then I guess I’ll have to work on looking more inept. I like knowing I have you to explain the lessons. You’re my safety net.”

There’s affection in the way he says it, and I can’t help smiling. “I’ve never been called anyone’s safety net before. But the arrangement is that I tutor you until your grades have improved, and you no longer need me. As long as you need me, I’m yours.”

Horror rushes in my head as I realize what I’ve just said, but Tucker smiles his sad smile.

“You have no idea how much I need to hear that.” Then he turns and walks to his car.

I watch him for a second then get in my car, processing the last hour in my head. I’ve made the right decision. For my own self-preservation, I need to create some distance between us.

Before I leave the parking lot, I text Daniel and apologize for the short notice and ask if he wants to go out tonight. He answers me back within thirty seconds, asking if I want to go see a movie.

This is good. I need to move on, and Daniel’s a great guy. So why does my heart hurt so much?

I drive back to campus to finish my math lab hours. Between students, I text Caroline and tell her I have a date tonight. I’m glad it’s a text when she sends an excited
Squeeeeeee!!!!!!

Time drags, and I’m getting more and more nervous. Daniel texts and gives me the choice of a rom-com or an action movie. He seems surprised when I picked the action film and tells me it starts at seven forty-five, and he’ll pick me up around seven-twenty since I work until seven. I’m thankful there are few students waiting for help, and I get to leave ten minutes early.

When I leave the campus, my stomach is a mess of nerves and fear. I reassure myself that people go on dates all the time. Daniel is not an ax murderer. We’ll be in a public place. But when I walk in the door, Caroline tosses her afghan to the side and hops off the sofa.

“Where have you been?”

I squint my confusion. “Working. Like I always do on Tuesday afternoons.”

“We have to get you ready.” She drags me to my bedroom. Caroline seems more nervous than I am. I didn’t think that was humanly possible.

“I’ve been on dates before, Caroline. Calm down.” I really need her to calm down. She’s freaking me out.

Her eyes widen. “Dates? You mean those encounters with that beady-eyed science guy last year?”

“He wasn’t beady-eyed.”

Her head shakes in short bursts. “Oh, he was beady-eyed all right. He doesn’t count.”

“He most certainly does count!”

“Not like this. Daniel is
normal
.”

I could argue that I’d had three normal dates other than the physics major I’d gone out with last spring, but I don’t see the point.

Caroline deems all my clothes “hopeless,” and loans me a pink sweater that she says looks good with my complexion and dark hair. I draw the line at her putting on my makeup and fixing my hair.

“For God’s sake, at least take out your ponytail.”

Releasing an exaggerated sigh, I pull out the hair band and fluff my hair. “Better?”

“I wish you’d wear your hair like that all the time.”

“One step at a time, Caroline.”

Caroline hands me a plate of pizza rolls she heated up, since I haven’t eaten since my partially eaten bagel at Panera. I’m brushing my teeth when the doorbell rings.

Caroline’s eyes fly open. “He’s here.”

“I swear to God, Caroline, if you don’t calm down, I’m going to slap you. One of us has to be calm, and it has to be you.”

She takes a deep breath. “You’re right. I’m calm.” Barely. She opens the door and invites Daniel in. “So what do you crazy kids plan to do tonight?”

Daniel smirks. “We thought we’d go see a movie.”

I grab my coat off the chair and try to settle my nerves. Why am I so nervous? “Don’t mind her, Daniel. She’s scheduled for her lobotomy next week.”

“Very funny,” she grumbles.

Daniel and I walk to the parking lot, and I stuff my shaking hands into my coat pockets. He stops next to a pickup truck and looks at me apologetically. Most of the guys back home drive trucks, but the guys here at Southern tend to drive cars.

“Sorry it’s so tall. It comes in handy with construction.” He shrugs and opens the passenger door.

I have to step on the running board to climb in. Caroline wanted me to wear a skirt, but I refused because of the cold. Now I feel justified with my decision.