After Math (9 page)

“Scarlett, wait.” Tucker is behind me and wraps his arms around my stomach, pulling my back to his chest.

I lean my head against him and try to catch my breath. “You can’t have it both ways, Tucker. It’s not fair.” Even as I say the words, I realize how ridiculous they are. Nothing in life is fair. I’m not naïve enough to believe in fairness, yet I’m insisting on it anyway. But this is something within my control, as limited as it is. And Tucker’s right. I’m all about control.

“I know.” His voice is heavy and choked. But he doesn’t say anything else, and I know his answer. I’ve known it all along. He made it perfectly clear yesterday. Maybe Jason is right. Maybe Tucker is afraid to get close to me, and the only way he can handle it is to keep me at arm’s length. I can’t make him want me, and I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than beg him. The choice is his. Unfortunately for me, he’s already made it.

Taking a deep breath, some of my hysteria evaporates, leaving cold determination in its wake. I gently push Tucker’s hands down and unlock my car. He doesn’t stop me, and I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling because I refuse to look in his face. I start the car and grip the steering wheel.
You can do this
.

And I can. Even if it kills any hope of ever being loved in the process.

I back up and drive away, Tucker still standing where I left him. I watch him in my mirror until I turn the corner and he’s gone.

With a shaky voice, I utter the word he begged me not to say, but I need to say it now because I need the closure. “Goodbye.”

***

I call in sick to the math lab, and go home with the intention of studying. Instead, I lie on the bed and take a nap. When I wake up an hour later, I’m still depressed, but my head has cleared enough for me to study.

Caroline comes home and finds me in my room, huddled over my desk. “Why aren’t you at work?”

I offer her a grim smile. “I have a big test tomorrow. I need to study so I called in sick.”

Her eyes widen. “
You
called in sick when you’re not?”

I offer her a teasing smile, but I’m sure she can see it’s forced. “Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

“Apparently not. I just found out from Tina that Tucker beat up Daniel in The Higher Ground yesterday.” She’s upset that I didn’t tell her. It’s thinly veiled, but there all the same.

“Tucker did not beat up Daniel. It was one punch.”

She throws up her hands. “
Only one punch
? But it was over you, right?”

I sigh in exasperation. “What do you want me to say, Caroline? Daniel was making rude statements about me, and Tucker overheard.”

“But Tuck—”

“Let’s get this out in the open: No, I’m not going on another date with Daniel. No, Tucker and I aren’t seeing each other. In fact, this afternoon, I quit being his tutor.” I tilt my head to the side. “Now is there anything else you want to know?” I don’t know why I’m taking my anger out on her. None of this is Caroline’s fault.

She sags against the door frame, offering me a sad smile. “Is it true Tucker’s brother came to see you yesterday?”

Tina and her big freaking mouth. “Yes, but it doesn’t matter one way or the other. I quit, remember?”

“Yeah,” she says softly. “How are you doing with all of this? That’s a lot for you to deal with.”

“I’m fine.” I look down at my desk. “I just need to concentrate on this test tomorrow.”

“Are you hungry? I can make you some mac and cheese.”

I release a soft laugh. Comfort food. “Yeah. Thanks.”

She hangs on the door jamb, kneading her lower lip with her teeth. “I’m sorry about Daniel.”

I don’t look up. “It’s not your fault. Nothing for you to be sorry about.”

“But I pushed you…” Her voice trails off.

I lift my eyes to hers. “You didn’t know. And we both know how resistant I am to trying new situations. I need you to push me sometimes. If Daniel had been great, I would have thanked you for it later.”

After she leaves the room, I find a groove working the problems on my study guide. I stay up to three in the morning, studying. I hope it’s enough. My concentration is off and my mind keeps wandering to this afternoon. If I close my eyes I can feel Tucker’s arms wrapped around me, not that it matters. Tucker let me go.

I suppose it’s better to find out now. Before my heart is broken anymore.

Chapter Eighteen

On Friday night, it’s Caroline’s turn to be nervous. She has another date with the guy she went out with on Sunday. This is the first guy she’s dated since she broke up with Justin in the fall. Honestly, I’m surprised it’s taken her this long. Caroline is cute and outgoing. People love her, especially guys. But she cocooned within herself for a few months, emerging into this new, more self-reliant woman. A broken bone sets and becomes stronger than it was before. Perhaps this will happen to me. Perhaps I’ll emerge from this situation, stronger and more confident. Seeing Caroline so happy makes me believe maybe I can be happy, too. Someday.

“You can come to the party, Scarlett. Tina says she’ll swing by and pick you up.”

I shake my head. “I’m exhausted, and I don’t want to run into Daniel.”

“He might not even be there.”

“True, but I can’t take any more drama right now. Maybe in a few weeks.” I’m surprised to discover that I mean it.

“You should be celebrating passing your test today, not sitting home pouting.”

“First of all, I’m not pouting. And second, I don’t know that I did well, I only think that I did.”

She waves her left hand while her right hand puts on a touch-up coat of mascara. “Please.”

“Besides, I have an exciting evening planned with my abacus.”

Her eyes widen as she stares at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.

I grin. “Or maybe I’ll order a pizza and watch a movie on Netflix instead.”

“Now you’re getting wild and crazy.”

Lifting an eyebrow, I laugh. “I know, right?”

Her date arrives, and Caroline leaves me instructions like I’m the babysitter staying with her kids. Even though my mood has lifted some, she’s still worried about leaving me.

“Caroline,” I groan. “Go already.”

When her date gets her out the door, I actually consider going to bed. I’m exhausted but it’s only nine-thirty. If I go to sleep now I’ll be up around six on a Saturday morning. I’m not one to sleep in, but that’s ridiculously early, even for me.

The apartment is too quiet without her, and the emotions of the week make the walls of the apartment close in. I grab my coat and head down the stairs, stopping midway to face the half-empty parking lot. I sit on a step, leaning over my knees and breathing in the fresh air.

Sitting outside, especially at night, has always helped clear my head. When I was growing up, and the fighting and the drinking got to be too much, I’d escape to the stairs out the back door of our trailer. Old habits die hard. The apartment is fairly quiet, but the outdoors has become ingrained as a partial cure for my unease. The cold from the concrete seeps through my jeans, but I ignore it as I take in deep, steady breaths.

I rest my head against the railing and close my eyes. The rational part of me assures the irrational part that life will go on without Tucker Price, and I know for a fact that it will. But that doesn’t ease the pain of him being ripped from my life.

I hear a thud below me and open my eyes with a gasp.

Tucker is standing at the foot of the stairs.

He’s been running again, wearing shorts and a sweatshirt. He’s out of breath, and his shoulders rise and fall as he watches me.

Neither of us speak. The parking lot light washes half his face with a pale glow, but his expression is unreadable. He looks as though he’s waiting for something. Is he waiting for me? He knows what I want. It’s up to him.

He moves to the stairs, climbing them slowly until he’s several steps down, squatting in front of me. “Do you know why I’m here?” he asks, his voice husky.

I shake my head, unable to find the words to answer.

“Everything just feels so right when I’m with you, Scarlett. I can be me. But it’s more than that. You give me something I haven’t had in a long time, if ever. You give me peace. It’s like the jumbled mess in my head can settle down, and I can be still with you. Like none of the other stuff matters.” His voice catches, and he swallows. “I had a bad day and usually I’d get shitfaced drunk, but the only thing I could think of was I had to see you.”

“Me, too,” I whisper, tears blurring my vision.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. His tension washes away, then a grin tugs at the corners of his mouth. “You wanted to get shitfaced drunk?”

A soft laugh escapes. “No, you give me peace.” I say the words, reinforcing how true they really are. When I’m with Tucker, my life makes sense.

He turns serious. “I don’t want to hurt you, Scarlett. I tried to stay away from you, but I need you too much.”

“Maybe I’ll hurt you,” I whisper as my eyes search his. “I’m broken, Tucker. I’m hopelessly broken inside, and I’m not sure there are enough pieces in me to put back together. But when I’m with you, I feel like maybe I can actually be whole.”

I expect him to look at me with pity or disgust, but instead his eyes are full of desire. “That scares the hell out of me, Scarlett. I don’t want to break you more,” he murmurs, standing and pulling me to my feet. His left hand slides down my jaw to my neck.

“You’ll break me more if you turn around and leave.”

His lips find mine, tentative at first, as though he took my words to heart and he’s afraid I’ll shatter if he’s not gentle. His tongue works slow magic on my lips before discovering the inside of my mouth. He’s slow and tender, coaxing my tongue to join his.

My stomach tingles, and an ache deep inside my abdomen catches me by surprise.

I release a tiny gasp, and Tucker wraps an arm around my back, pressing me to his chest. His mouth is more insistent, and I’m lightheaded as we stand on the steps.

His hand slips in the opening of my coat. I tense slightly as his fingers rest on my waist, but he wraps his arm around my back, his palm between my shoulder blades.

I reach behind his neck, one hand burying in his hair while the other pulls his mouth harder against mine. I’m breathless with anticipation and longing.

Encouraged, his lips are more demanding, and he presses so tightly against me that I can hardly move.

I have never wanted anything more.

I pull away from him and worry wrinkles his brow, but I offer him a gentle smile and take his hand, tugging him up the stairs to my apartment. When he shuts the door behind us, he watches me with fear in eyes.

What is Tucker afraid of?

I’m about to ask him when he slides my coat of my shoulders and slides it down my arms, throwing it onto the sofa. Smiling softly, I take his hand again and lead him down the hall.

When he walks into my tiny room, he seems too big and out of place. He moves to the nightstand and turns on the lamp, filling the room with a soft glow. I close the door and press my back against it.

“Where’s Caroline?” he asks, hesitant.

“Gone. To a party.” My nerves make me breathless. For once I don’t mind my nervous jitters.

I step toward him, and he pulls me to his chest, one hand behind my head and the other pressing on my back. I’m flush against him as he kisses me with pent-up longing . I wrap my arms around his neck. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I shouldn’t be here, Scarlett,” he mumbles against my lips. “Send me home.”

My response is to kiss him back. He makes me feel alive. His touch makes my body respond the way it’s never responded before. Kissing him fills me with an ache for more.

I step back and grab the bottom of his sweatshirt, lifting up. I get it partway before he pulls it over his head and tosses it over the back of my desk chair. His t-shirt is next. I start to remove it, but he finishes, tossing it to the side as well.

He’s bare from the waist up, and he’s gorgeous. I knew his arms were muscular, but I had no idea the rest of him was so toned. I reach for his shoulder, wanting to trace the outline of his well-defined muscles. His eyes sink closed as my fingers travel across his shoulders, and down his arms, then back up to explore his chest. His arms hang to his side, but his fingers twitch.

His hands reach up for my shirt, unbuttoning the top button and working their way down until my shirt is hanging open. He pulls it off and throws it where his clothes went. His hands find my waist and skim my ribs as he stares into my eyes, searching for something.

He unhooks my bra and lets the straps slide over my shoulders and down my arms. Now we’re both naked from the waist up.

One hand reaches behind my neck as his mouth lowers to mine. His other hand cups my breast and fondles it, sending a jolt to my core. I moan, and he becomes more insistent, with both his hand and his mouth.

I want to cry with happiness. Tucker is here with me, partially naked in my room, and he’s making my body feel more alive than I ever thought possible.

“I’m trying to go slow for you, Scarlett,” he groans, his lips moving down to my neck. “But if you keep making noises like that, I’m liable to rip the rest of your clothes off and finish this too soon.” His teeth lightly graze my skin and his tongue follows.

If he’s trying to stop my sounds, he’s taking the wrong path. Another moan escapes and he reaches for the button on my jeans and zipper, quickly undoing both and pulling my jeans over my hips. I step out of my slippers as well as my pants, suddenly self-conscious that I’m standing in front of Tucker wearing only a pair of panties.

His eyes are on me as he kicks off his shoes and removes his shorts. He leaves on his underwear, as if he knows I need to take this in slow, manageable steps. But I don’t find that surprising. He’s always seen through me. Seen who I am and what I need.

It’s one of many reasons I’m drawn to him. This man has the capability to help me heal.

I’ve only known him a few weeks, yet long enough to know it’s true. Still, I keep the revelation to myself. Tucker may be willing to risk his heart coming to me tonight, but I have no doubt that a declaration of anything deep and meaningful will send him running.