Aint too proud to beg sfdg-1 (23 page)

J
osie collapsed into Gloria Needlemans plastic-covered couch and looked around the room, thinking that this was where the whole saga began just a little over a month ago. She showed up for an interview that day and left with a plan to change her life.

Not for the first time, Josie wondered if things would have been better if shed never written that list, never met Rick, and never fallen so deeply in love.

She balanced her elbows on her knees and sighed. Maybe a grand life adventure wasnt all it was cracked up to be. Maybe Josephine Agnes Sheehan was destined to live a dry, boring life in the company of a Labradoodle. Maybe she wasnt supposed to find love. Maybe shed messed with destiny, and shed be paying for her impudence the rest of her days.

Drink this. It will fortify your soul.

Mrs. Needleman suddenly appeared at Josies side, and her words startled Josie. The old woman had gone into the kitchen a few minutes ago to make tea and Josie had forgotten all about her.

She squinted up at Gloria. Did you spike it or something?

The old woman laughed and sat down next to her.

Heavens, no. Its just good old-fashioned black tealoose leaf, mind you.

Now, drink up.

Josie took a cautious sip of the hot liquid and set the cup and saucer on the side table. She let her head fall into her hands.

Gloria patted her back in rapid, gentle taps. The important thing is you werent harmed, and that man is behind bars.

Josie shook her head back and forth, feeling her hair fall down around her like a curtain. Shed come here to ask Mrs. Needleman for advice, but now all she wanted to do was get back under the covers and hide, her preferred mode of existence for the last week and a half. She hadnt left her apartment except to walk Genghis. Her family and Bea, Ginger, and Roxie had been her only visitors.

You have to see your young man.

I cant, Josie said, her face still covered by hands and hair.

Nonsense! Weve already seen how courageous you are.

Dear God, Josie was sick of that word. Where had courage gotten her?

Shed been courageous enough to write the list, ask Rick for a date, chase him down, accept him for who he was, and survive a two-day kidnapping ordealand where had all that taken her? Right back where she started, where she always seemed to end upalone, a man gone from her life, without her soul mate.

The only difference was that this time, it hurt so bad she didnt know if shed ever bounce back.

Josie raised her head and glanced over at Mrs. Needleman. The old womans knowing expression made her so uncomfortable she couldnt sit still. May I use your bathroom? Josie asked.

Mrs. Needleman pointed an arthritic finger toward the hallway. Second door on the right. Take all the time you need, dear.

Thanks. Josie bolted to the hallway but didnt make it past the first door on the right or the left. She stopped in her tracks. The hallway was covered with framed photographs. Josie had to blink a few times to make sense of what she was seeingGloria Needleman, marrying people, on the beach and in gardens and on the court house steps. In backyards and on sailboats and in a rooftop garden, the wind whipping her dress around her skinny legs.

The photos were in color and black-and-white, and they showed old couples with canes, college students, middle-aged people with kids. The people were black, white, Chinese, Latino, and everything in between.

The dress code was white satin, jeans and boots, or hippie chic. The photos were dated from the 1960s through the first decade of the twenty-first century.

Josies mouth fell open.

Yes, I am a certified marriage officiate in the state of California, said a warbly voice at Josies side.

She jumped. /God, this lady has a habit of sneaking up on me!/ But Josie stared down at the wrinkly face with the fierce eyes. I dont get it. Youre a preacher or rabbi or something?

Gloria laughed heartily. Why, I do happen to be ordained in a nondenominational faith. Im also a notary public. But the point is Ive been given a gift, and its my duty to use it.

Your duty is to go around marrying people?

Gloria laughed again. My duty is to connect people, to use my gifts to gently guide people toward love.

Josie squinted. So youre a real matchmaker?

The old woman shrugged.

Josie returned her attention to the wall, searching for something that would help her understand why she suddenly felt angry. She turned abruptly toward the old woman. You set me up with Rick? This was your plan all along? Josie felt herself shaking she was so mad. You had no right to do that, Gloria.

No, no, dear girl. I didnt know Rick existed as an individual. Please, come sit down with me again and Ill try to explain.

Josie felt as if she were sleepwalking as Gloria led her back to the sofa.

When you came to see me after Ira died, I knew instantly that you were my next assignment.

Josie laughed. I know Im going to regret asking, but who exactly gives you your assignments?

Gloria giggled the way she did sometimes, narrow shoulders shaking and hands clapping in joy. She looked like a young girl. On that particular day, /you/ gave me the assignment, Josie.

She shot her a dubious look.

I saw how you bristled when I talked about my happy life with Ira.

I bristled? Josie sat straighter. I dont recall bristling.

I could feel how lonely you were. And I sensed that you were on the cusp of finding your beloved, but were going to need a little, well, /encouragement./ Gloria paused and reached out for Josies hand. The old womans skin felt papery and cool to the touch. I saw that yours would be a special case.

Josie glanced at the ceiling, trying to be polite but losing the battle.

Shed come here for help. More of Glorias gobbledygook was the last thing she needed.

I should probably go. Josie began to stand up, but Gloria held on to her hand.

You should sit still and listen if you know whats good for you.

The reprimand in Glorias voice was startling. It reminded Josie of the nun who taught her in fourth grade, the one who regularly made Josie stay after to clean the chalkboard with warm water and stinky liquid soap.

I sensed that without some extra attention, you and your love would pass each other by, never find your chance for happiness in each other. She patted Josies hand. I could not let that happen.

Josie tilted her head, puzzled. I had a similar thought once, sitting on the porch at Ricks ranch.

Gloria smiled softly. You dont say?

I remember looking out at the beautiful view, feeling truly in love for the first time in my life, and then, /bam!/ I knew it was a miracle that wed found each other. It wouldve been so easy for Rick and me to have never met. It seemed the more likely outcome, really.

Exactly.

Josie looked at Gloria for a long moment. So writing the list put me in the right frame of mind? It helped me see Rick for who he was when we met? It made me bold enough to go after him?

Glorias eyes lit up. Perfectly put.

Josie shook her head vigorously to regain her focus, and stood up from the couch. She paced across the living room, her heart ready to burst with the disappointment and loneliness. She spun around and pointed at Gloria. But you were wronghe wasnt the one! Josie knew her voice sounded shrill but she didnt care. Im right where I started, only exponentially more miserable!

She didnt want to cry anymore. All Josie wanted from this visit was some comfort, not a whole new round of confusion.

Tell me why hes not the one for you. Mrs. Needleman patted the clear plastic. Come. Sit back down and tell me about it.

Josie sighed, shuffling back to the couch. She told Mrs. Needleman everythingthe details of Ricks past, his solemn promise to her that hed never gotten any woman pregnant, his claim that he would have moved heaven and earth to be a good father if he had. Then she shared Bennett Cummingss tragic story of his daughters pregnancy, abortion, and death.

Rick lied to me, Josie said simply. I could overlook everything about his pastevery selfish and harmful thing hed ever donebecause he never set out to harm anyone. And I told myself he had changed! I /trusted/ him! How gullible can a girl be?

Mrs. Needleman nodded solemnly. So what did Rick say when you gave him a chance to explain? Gloria blinked, waiting for Josies answer. When it didnt come, she asked again. What did your young man say when you told him this story?

Josie tilted her head and stared in disbelief. I never asked him. I havent spoken to him since he busted the door down to save me.

Mrs. Needleman folded her hands neatly in her lap. But hes tried to contact you?

Josie swore the old lady was trying not to smile, and she didnt appreciate her attitude. Several times a day. But Im not returning his calls.

I see.

Whats the point? Josie asked, growing more pissed off by the second. Ive learned my lesson for good this time. I dont want any more men in my life. Why bother? Theyll only use you and lie to you and then leave you.

Gloria made a tsk-tsk sound behind her teeth. So, refresh my memory, dear. How exactly did Rick use you?

Josie froze. That was an interesting question, and she decided to organize the list of offenses in her mind before she shared it with Gloria. Unfortunately, her mind went blank.

Josie?

Rick had made her laugh. He had taught her what it felt like to make love. He had put her safety and happiness above his own. Hed chosen her to be the one woman hed confide in, trust, and love. He had told her she was sexy and beautiful. Hed given her that gorgeous painting, simply because shed liked it! Hed enjoyed her eggplant Parmesan. Hed even cooked for hernaked.

Dear God, he even liked her /dog/.

Uh… Josie said.

Gloria smiled cheerfully. And when exactly did he leave you?

Josie felt her eyes go big. She didnt say anything.

Is there any chance that Rick wasnt lying to you at all? Mrs. Needlemans eyes got that laserlike focus that made Josie uncomfortable. Is it possible that he was truthful, and you are the one who left him, and for no good reason whatsoever?

Josie remained quiet, but the inside of her head was roaring.

How will you ever know if you dont communicate?

That was enough. Josie jumped from the couch and grabbed her bag. She headed for the door, the tears streaming down her face. Her hand trembled as it grabbed the doorknob.

Dont blow it, dear girl.

She spun aroundMrs. Needleman was once again right up against her. Josie shook her head. If I go to him, hell tell me what I want to hear. But how will I know whats real? There will always be this little voice in my head telling me I made the biggest mistake of my life trusting him again. Ill always be waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Gloria nodded. Well, then theres only one last-ditch option.

Whats that?

Follow your instincts. Have faith in love.

Josies hand slid behind her back, where she rooted around for the doorknob.

Ira and I werent perfect. Oy! Far from it. Gloria shrugged. There were times I couldnt stand being in the same room with that man.

How convenient that Gloria skipped over that part for Iras obit, Josie thought.

Oh, but how I loved him. A smile spread over Glorias wrinkled face and her eyes mellowed. Many times I would look at Ira and feel a sacredness in our being together. I knew he was my soul mate, the other being handpicked by the universe to help me grow into fullness on this earth.

Josie was taken aback. Thats pretty deep, she said, slowly turning the knob.

Ira was my beloved. And I have reason to believe that Rick is yours.

Glorias eyes bored into Josies widening gaze. Some mystics say that if you are lucky enough to find your complementary soul, the Divine steps in to create a third entitya spirit companion, if you willwhose only job is to watch over the two of you.

Josie swallowed hard. She pulled the door open a crack. Nice idea.

But if you turn your back on your beloved… Gloria pressed a hand to her heart, as if overwrought by what she was about to say. Dear girl, if you consciously turn away from your belovedthe one designed to love your human heart into perfectionthen the spirit companion leaves you. It never returns. And the goodness that was meant to be will never come to pass.

Josie blinked a few times, letting the words sink it. Great, she thought. Not only had she failed spectacularly in loveyet againbut this time shed also managed to tell her guardian angel to fuck off and die.

Go to Rick. Talk to him. Afterward, if you know in your gut that Rick is not your beloved Gloria poked a finger into Josies belly, then tell him so and be on your way. It is your choice.

Josie felt her shoulders sag. She nodded slowly and sighed, yanking her bag higher on her shoulder. All right, Gloria. Maybe Ill talk to him. I guess it wouldnt hurt to get some closure, one way or the other.

Thats the spirit! Gloria slipped something into her hand. Josie stared at the words on the business card: /The Reverend Mrs. Gloria Needleman, Universal Spiritual Church; Notary Public; Wedding Officiate; Mensch.

Payment Plans Available./ Josie laughed. She half expected Mrs. Needleman to tell her she was pulling her leg.

Instead, Gloria leaned close. In a conspiratorial whisper she said, Im already booked solid for June.

Gloria was right. Josie was being hardheaded. Rick deserved a chance to explain. Hadnt Josie once promised him that shed be kind and forgiving?

These last ten days had been filled with nothing but grief, anger, betrayal, and general nastiness, and she hated the way it made her feel.

By the time she reached her friends at the top of the hill at Dolores Park, shed made her decision. There would be no going back.

The women stopped dead when she appeared, not only because they didnt expect her, but because of Genghiss drastic change in appearance. They stared in disbelief, mouths open, eyes big.

Jesus H! Bea shouted. Did he have a fight with Edward Scissorhands or something?