[Alaskan Quest 02] - Under the Northern Lights (25 page)

‘‘Of course,’’ Jacob said, getting to his feet. ‘‘I should probably go.’’

‘‘No. No. Sit and drink your coffee. There’s plenty more.’’

She left them, pausing only long enough to help the boys with their coats as they headed outside with Limpy. ‘‘You stay close to the house,’’ she commanded.

Jacob shook his head. ‘‘They’ll soon be venturing out everywhere. I can’t believe how those boys have grown.’’

‘‘Jacob, you can’t go,’’ Helaina said, not in the least bit interested in the boys.

‘‘I beg your pardon?’’ He looked at her oddly. ‘‘I can go and I will.’’

‘‘I thought you cared about me. Were those just idle words?’’

‘‘This has nothing to do with my caring for you.’’

‘‘Of course it does. You’re deserting me when I need you most.’’

‘‘I’m providing for my family—for you as well. Emma and Bjorn can’t be expected to feed you and keep you without some kind of compensation.’’

‘‘I’ll pay them,’’ she said in a flippant manner.

‘‘Helaina, have you not yet learned that your money can’t buy everything or everyone? Up here money is useful, but only when there are products and goods to be had. We are self-supportive people in this territory. We hunt, gather, or make most everything we need. If we don’t, we do without in many cases.’’

‘‘You can’t really care about me and just walk away like this.’’

‘‘I don’t recall our marriage,’’ he said sarcastically. ‘‘You don’t own me, Helaina.’’

‘‘I didn’t suggest we were married, but you said you cared.’’

‘‘And I do. But that concern is rooted in your spirit right now.’’ He paused. ‘‘Well, at least most of my concern is there.’’

‘‘So this is just about getting me right with God, is that it? You only care so far as helping me to see the error of my ways. You’re worse than a preacher.’’

‘‘Why do you say that?’’

‘‘At least preachers are open about the numbers they seek to gather for their cause. You are deceptive with your plan.’’

‘‘I don’t need to listen to this.’’ He got up and headed for the door. ‘‘Tell Emma thanks for the coffee.’’

Helaina followed after him. ‘‘Fine. Be like that. At least it tells me what I need to know.’’

Jacob turned and found her only inches away. ‘‘Which is what?’’

‘‘That you only care about yourself. That I don’t matter to you.’’

Jacob had had all he could take. Without thinking, he grabbed Helaina in his arms and pulled her hard against him. Then he lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her long and passionately, just as he’d wanted to do for some time. Then just as quickly as he’d begun, he pushed her away. ‘‘There,’’ he said. ‘‘Think about that while I’m gone and tell yourself that it’s just your soul that matters to me.’’

The house seemed quite empty with Jacob gone and Jayce not yet returned. Leah fell into a routine of work that included finishing off many sewing projects she’d started the summer before. It was hard to believe she’d been gone from home for nearly half a year.

There were plans in the village for a big celebration in honor of Christmas. In years gone by these were always festive occasions where the village would gather at the big community house. Here they would share copious amounts of food and stories, as well as enjoy traditional singing and dancing. The children would show off some of their school papers and put on skits related to Christmas. It was a wonderful time of sharing and fellowship. Even the non-Christians would join in to celebrate the birth of the White Jesus, as they sometimes called Him.

There would also be an exchange of gifts. Usually these were very little items—trinkets, really—that would show respect and consideration for those in the village. Leah always tried to have a little something for everyone, but it would be very difficult this year. Having been gone so long, she would be limited on what she could make or provide. She had planned to bring back jelly and preserves from Karen, but those were all lost when the ship had gone down on Leah’s return trip.

But always, even in the midst of planning for the festival, Leah couldn’t help but worry about Jayce and wonder about her own physical condition. There was still no sign of her monthly cycle, and Leah was growing more certain that pregnancy was a very real possibility. There had even been moments of nausea.

Against her beliefs, Leah contemplated the herbs that she knew would induce a miscarriage. If she were pregnant, there was no way to be certain of whose child she carried. She couldn’t bear the thought of not knowing, but neither could she reconcile the idea of killing her own baby.

‘‘But I don’t know for sure that I’m carrying a child,’’ she reasoned. ‘‘If I take the herbs to bring on my monthly time, it wouldn’t be wrong.’’ But even as she spoke the words, Leah knew it was no excuse. She couldn’t pretend that she wasn’t pregnant, because the odds were too great that she was.

‘‘Why is this happening, Lord?’’ she prayed as she worked on a shirt for Jayce. ‘‘I’m trying so hard to put what happened behind me—to find a way to not let it come between Jayce and me . . . and now this. How can I bear this blow?’’

She had always figured that when she married and became pregnant, it would be the most joyous moment of her life. While cuddling the village infants, Leah had often imagined what it would be like to hold her own baby. With every baby she’d helped deliver, Leah had paid close attention to the things that worked best for mother and child. She wanted to learn so she’d be prepared when her time came.

Just that spring, with the arrival of her thirtieth birthday, Leah had wondered if she would ever know the joy of motherhood. But it wasn’t a joy to her now. The very thought sickened her with despair.

‘‘It isn’t fair.’’ She looked to the ceiling. ‘‘God, this just isn’t fair.’’

Though a visitor was the last thing Leah wanted, when a knock sounded, she opened the door to find Helaina Beecham.

‘‘What do you want?’’ Leah asked without any real interest.

‘‘I need to talk to someone . . . to you.’’

Leah shook her head. ‘‘I really have no time. I’m quite busy.’’

‘‘Please, Leah.’’

Her tone sounded different—almost desperate. Leah knew she’d probably regret her decision, but she opened the door fully and stepped back. ‘‘All right, come in.’’

She directed Helaina to the kitchen and closed the door. Leaning against it momentarily, Leah couldn’t help but wonder what Helaina was up to. ‘‘Do you want some tea?’’ she offered.

‘‘No. Please just come and talk with me. I feel so confused.’’

Leah raised a brow. ‘‘You? The epitome of confidence?’’

‘‘Don’t mock me. It was hard for me to come here.’’

Something in Leah’s spirit softened. ‘‘All right. Tell me what’s wrong.’’

Helaina looked distraught. ‘‘I can’t stop thinking about things Jacob has said to me.’’

Leah cringed inwardly. If Helaina wanted to talk about her brother’s attraction to her, Leah wanted no part of it. ‘‘I don’t think I should be the one you talk to. Why don’t you wait for Jacob to come back?’’

‘‘Because I need answers now.’’

‘‘But how would I have any of those answers?’’

Helaina folded her hands and pressed them to her lap.

‘‘Because you are a women who believes in God.’’

Leah frowned. ‘‘What does that have to do with anything?’’

‘‘I have questions about God. I never used to care about such things, but ever since I met your brother, he has challenged me with such things. You have as well. I suppose I’ve simply had too much time to contemplate it all, and now I find myself confused.’’

Leah felt a sense of frustrated anger. Why should God bring Helaina here? She was living in the missionaries’ house after all; why not ask Emma?

‘‘Why do you come to me?’’ Leah looked at Helaina and saw desperation in the woman’s face.

‘‘Because I trust you. You’ve been through a great deal— mostly because I’ve caused it, I realize—but your faith has never wavered and you seem to completely understand what God is doing.’’

Leah laughed out loud at this. ‘‘Oh, Helaina, if you only knew. I’ve been sitting here for days trying to understand why God has allowed certain things to happen to me. Believe me, I’m not the best one to talk to about this.’’

‘‘But you seem so strong. Even after Chase forced you to join our trip north. You were always talking to him about God’s love and His desire for Chase to be forgiven his sins.’’

‘‘Not that it ever made a difference.’’ Leah contemplated how much to share with Helaina. The woman was still so focused on going after Chase that Leah wondered if it would make a difference. ‘‘Let’s sit down.’’ She went to the table and motioned Helaina to a chair.

Sitting, Helaina considered Leah’s words. ‘‘Well, Chase seemed to respect you at least. I think he knew your faith in God made you different.’’

‘‘Chase respected no one.’’ Leah took a seat and tried to sort through her emotions. She wanted to tell Helaina the truth and hoped that in sharing she would abandon her pursuit of Chase— especially if it involved Jacob. There seemed no easy way to share what had happened, however.

‘‘Helaina,’’ she began, ‘‘you were too sick to know what was happening, but one night when he was particularly angry, Chase . . .’’ She paused and drew a deep breath. ‘‘He raped me.’’

Helaina covered her mouth as a small gasp escaped. Leah decided to press on. ‘‘Worse still, I may be pregnant, and I don’t know if the baby belongs to Jayce or to his brother.’’

Leah couldn’t comprehend why she was sharing this news with Helaina, but the words just kept pouring out. ‘‘Do you understand now why I had to get away from him? I couldn’t bear the sight of him. I feared what I might do to him. I couldn’t understand why God would allow such a thing to happen to me when I was trying so hard to live a good life for Him. I still don’t understand, but . . .’’ She fell silent and tried to collect her thoughts.

‘‘Leah, I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.’’ Helaina had tears in her eyes. ‘‘You’ve often said that I was selfish and thought only of my needs, and you’re right. I can’t bear it. I never even considered the possibility. I suppose because Chase didn’t seem like a threat to me in that way, I assumed he’d be no threat to you.’’

Leah shook her head. She hadn’t expected Helaina to respond with such compassion. What was happening to change Helaina’s heart? Leah decided to continue. ‘‘I haven’t told anyone but Jacob about the rape. I didn’t mention the idea of being pregnant to Jacob, because until you spoke of your monthly time when we first arrived at Emma’s, I hadn’t even thought about it. I tell you this not because I have some great confidence in our relationship, but rather because I am desperate for you to stop your pursuit of Chase Kincaid. Especially if you plan to involve my brother. Don’t you see? Now that Jacob knows what Chase did to me . . . well, if he agrees to help you track and capture Chase, he will be guided by his anger and need for revenge. I can’t let that happen.’’

Helaina leaned back in her chair. She appeared to be deep in thought. Leah could only hope—pray—that her words were finally helping the younger woman to understand.

‘‘What will you do?’’ Helaina finally asked. ‘‘How will you trust God, when all of this has happened? See, these are the things I cannot understand. I’ve heard lofty sermons given by pious men all of my life. I saw no need for such things in my life. Now, in the midst of all you’ve endured, I need to understand how believing in God works. Tell me in a concise and logical manner.’’

‘‘I don’t know if I can explain it in a logical manner, Helaina.

I’m not sure God works in what mortals consider logical ways. All I can tell you is what I know. When I was a little girl, the Bible was respected as God’s Word. The people around me believed that God was their final authority. My mother helped me to see, as a child, that trusting God is a matter of faith. My faith is rather damaged right now, but I’m doing my best to let God help me nurse it back to health. I remind myself that oftentimes things happen that we cannot understand. For example, why would God allow so much of the world to be involved with war right now? Why did the
Titanic
sink and take so many lives? Why must children get sick and die? I don’t have answers. All I have is my belief that God is good and just—that He will honor His promises.’’

‘‘But that’s exactly what I’m talking about. How do you do that? How can you believe in a God that allows such horrible things? How can I turn to God when He allowed my mother and father and husband to be killed?’’

Leah’s heart softened toward the woman. They weren’t so very different after all. Although they’d been raised in very different worlds, peace of mind and spirit were still dependent upon letting go of all that seemed secure and putting one’s faith in God.

‘‘I suppose as far as logic and reasoning go, I would have to ask: What are your other choices? What are the alternatives to trusting God? You could put your faith in money or possessions, but those things aren’t any more eternal than human life. We can put our trust in other people, but they, too, will fail us. And when they fail us we’re left empty—wounded.’’

‘‘Jacob said long ago that only God could fill that emptiness,’’ Helaina said, growing thoughtful. ‘‘I never believed him, but the last few days I’ve had a great deal of time to think. Emma won’t let me do anything but rest, and I find I’m not very good at sitting idle.’’ She smiled. ‘‘I think it has mostly to do with the fact that I don’t like myself very much, and when I’m alone and quiet, I only have myself for company.’’

Leah couldn’t help but smile to see Helaina bare her soul and seek help as she reached out to God.

‘‘I want the kind of faith you have, Leah. I want to know how to have the kind of trust in God that you have. The kind of trust that can love Him and believe in Him even after being mistreated as you’ve been by Chase. I want to know how you go on believing, even when you might be carrying the child of your rapist.’’

Chapter Twenty-two

L
eah looked at Helaina. ‘‘The Bible says that God sent His Son Jesus for all—that none should perish. Jesus died on the cross to be a supreme sacrifice for the sins of men—to give us a means of returning to the Father. When we admit our sins and ask God to forgive them, He does. He sees us not in our sinful nature, but through the blood of Jesus and gives us everlasting life.’’