All About Me (11 page)

Jacob checks his phone once we go out in the evening. Apparently Dora called, but he doesn
’
t call her back, putting his phone in his pocket. We have a few beers in the local pub, which is full of people that I no longer associate with. It
’
s all right anyway. No one recognises me. Last time I was here with India, I lost it. Bryan, my brother
’
s old mate, recognised me. When I found out India had sex with him, I couldn
’
t fucking believe it. She
’
d turned her back on me and fucked another bloke. I shake my head, knowing that I can
’
t judge her. She was lost. That bastard brother of mine broke all the rules, only because I wanted her.

The next day I
’
m standing in the entrance to Christian
’
s room.
“
I
’
m going out and then we
’
re out of here,
”
I say to Jacob.
“
My mother is downstairs. I
’
d try to avoid her if you can.
”
We both got a little wasted last night and my head is pounding. I feel like shit, but my decision to get India back is more important than anything at the moment.

I smooth my hair, walking towards my car.

“
Hey, Olie, hey, I haven
’
t see you for ages,
”
shouts my neighbour Patrick, who used be close with my father. I
’
m not in the mood for a chitchat today, but for my mother
’
s sake, I need to be polite.

“
Yeah, I
’
ve been away studying in Braxton.
”

“
My condolences about your father. He was quite a character.
”

“
That he was,
”
I mutter, having had enough of this conversation already.

“
I
saw you with that girl India at the funeral, the one that had been visiting your mother when you left.
”

His words rang in my head. Patrick is this nosy neighbour that knows what is going on around the neighbourhood. I remember a few times when he caught my brother when he sneaked out for a party in the middle of the night.

“
Yeah, they were close. I guess India visited her once in a while.
”

“
Well, it was quite often. She looked after your mother whenever she had a spare minute until she graduated high school. I talked to her that one day when she was going to Scotland, but then your mother had this fit
—”

My stomach churns and blood starts pumping in my ears. I knew that India was close to my mother, but I didn
’
t know that she was there for her when I bailed.
Scotland.
She was going to Scotland? I run my hand through my hair, trying to breathe. It looks like I don
’
t know India at all.

“
Listen, Patrick, thanks. Sorry, but I
’
m in a rush,
”
I cut him off and stroll back to the car.

“
All right, good luck.
”

As soon as he is out of sight, I feel like I know how to breathe again. The ache in my heart only keeps growing. I
’
m a total jerk and I
’
m slowly beginning to realise that I don
’
t deserve India
’
s love. Maybe she was going to Scotland to talk to me, to find the strength to tell me the truth, and I just bailed, left town, not even thinking that there was something behind her bullying me.

“
FUCK!
”
I roar, slamming my hands into the dashboard over and over. There is a lump in my throat and I can
’
t swallow because right then her pain crawls all over me, increasing my pulse and creating a river filled with sorrowful emotions. She must have been trying to deal with the memories, but then my mother had one of her attacks, so her plan was ruined.

I don
’
t want anyone to see me like this, so I pull myself together and drive towards a road I know very well. I have no choice but to pretend that I
’
m stable emotionally. It
’
s Sunday, so Mrs. Gretel should be at home, along with her daughter. I lock the car, shaking. After a few deep breaths, my heartbeat gets back to normal. I need to do this for her, just to show her that her friendship is all I
’
m after.

The house is basic but looks homey, and all sorts of crucial memories start bouncing off my head. Something warm surges inside my chest when I think about all the times I spent in this house. Every time India invited me and Christian over, I was over the moon. Then, sometime after the funeral, I noticed changes in her behaviour, which now make sense to me.

Mrs. Gretel looks baffled when she opens the door. It
’
s going to be difficult if India has told her what happened between us two. This whole visit will go nowhere if she is aware of what kind of scumbag I became.

“
Oliver, what a surprise. Come on
…
come on in,
”
she says with a smile.

Okay, this a good sign. Maybe she hasn
’
t told her anything after all. Mrs. Gretel is a no-nonsense kind of woman, but she likes me. She always did, even when that dick used to go out with her daughter.

“
Hey, Mrs. Gretel, how are you?
”
I ask.

“
I
’
m a little surprised to see you here. Where is India? I thought you would come together?
”

“
She isn
’
t here with me. She
’
s back in Braxton,
”
I mutter, entering through the living room. It
’
s a funny thing, this relationship. Her daughter now hates my guts, and I have a better relationship with her mother than with my own.

Josephine is on her phone. She smiles when she sees me. Yeah, everyone is all right with me, so that means I
’
m fine here, for now. Their living room is modern; it looks like Mrs. Gretel just had some refurbishment done. The paint looks fresh.

“
So, Oliver, is everything all right? You
’
re worrying me slightly.
”
 

“
India is all right, so no stress there, Mrs. Gretel. I
’
m visiting my mother, but I
’
m here because I want to surprise India and I want to ask you about something.
”

“
I bet you
’
re going to ask for India
’
s hand, dude! That
’
s so lame.
”

“
Josephine!
”
warns her mother, looking totally gob-smacked. It
’
s getting a little hotter here.

I laugh nervously. Yeah, it would be great if I could marry India, but let
’
s not get ahead of ourselves here. She needs to start talking to me first before I can go to second base.

“
No, it
’
s just a surprise, so make sure you keep your pretty mouth shut,
”
I say, pretending that I didn
’
t hear what else Josephine said.

Mrs. Gretel raises her left eyebrow, staring at me with a mixed expression on her face. She is an attractive woman and I
’
m sure plenty of men are interested.
“
Okay, we
’
re listening,
”
she says.

Chapter Ten

Toxic memories.

Present

“
You should come and visit Braxton. I know that she would love to have you both there during her rowing competition,
”
I begin, clearing my throat.
“
But I don
’
t want her to know about this. It
’
s supposed to be a big surprise.
”

“
Oh, that would be lovely, Olie. We kept telling her since the term started that we would love to visit, but she
’
s always so busy with, you know, her life,
”
says Mrs. Gretel.

Josephine jumps in front of me.
“
Yes, yes, please tell me that you are taking us there today. India is so mean. She kept promising that I could come with her,
”
complains her sister.
   

Okay, this is much easier than I anticipated. India is going to be pissed if she finds out that I had something to do with this, but her hatred should be a little less apparent when her mum and sister show up unexpectedly. Of course I will play guide, so she won
’
t have any choice. She would have to spend time with me and she has to be nice to me, because something tells me that deep down she would die before she
’
d tell her mother what I did.
 

“
And I
’
ll organise everything, so you can watch how she competes. We can go out for dinner later,
”
I explain, wondering if I
’
m ready to hear about Scotland.

Mrs. Gretel looks at me suspiciously and at that point she reminds me so much of India. Their focused stares and even their breathing are the same.
“
That
’
s nice, Oliver, I think she will appreciate it. When is the competition?
”

“
Two months, so we
’
ve got plenty time to prepare, but, Josephine, remember
—
it
’
s a secret.
”

“
Yeah, yeah. I
’
m not a stupid bimbo. I can keep a secret.
”

“
Great, that
’
s what we need. Plus, India and I had sort of a serious fight, so this is my apology,
”
I admit, knowing that it
’
s better to be safe than sorry and reveal that things between India and me aren
’
t great.

Her mother frowns watching me, drilling me to the ground with her beautiful eyes.
“
Whatever it is, I think she will forgive you. It
’
s a nice gesture, Oliver,
”
she mutters.

“
I hope so, but there is something else that I need to ask you,
”
I add, breathing through my nose.

“
What is it, Oliver?
”

“
I heard from my neighbour that India sort of looked after my mother when I left. He heard that she was going to Scotland, but then
…
something happened?
”

Mrs. Gretel sighs, moving her hands over her thighs. My heart races away and my jaw is so tight that I
’
m hurting myself.

“
She spent a lot of time with your mother and I think that at some point she wanted to visit you. It was during the evening when your mother
…
oh God, Oliver. I think maybe I shouldn
’
t tell you this.
”

“
No,
”
I say, feeling like I
’
m dead inside.
“
Please tell me.
”

Mrs. Gretel swallows hard, finally looking at me again.
“
India arrived at your mother
’
s home just in time. I think your mum was trying to end her life; she took too many pills.
”

Thunder passes through my body and I can
’
t move. Darkness, pure and oblivious, blinds my vision. India wanted to visit me in Scotland, but she never made it there. I don
’
t remember how I managed to say goodbye to Mrs. Gretel and Josephine. In the end I got to the car and drove off, not registering what was happening around me. Unbelievable pain encompassed me. I didn
’
t care about her feelings and now, looking back, I can
’
t believe that I was so cruel. Her arrival to Braxton erased all my humanity. I kept hurting her and never took time to actually think about how she might have felt. All those months of causing her so much pain
—
in the end, that inflicted cruelty became my obsession and her pain didn
’
t matter.

I park in the middle of nowhere, howling and digging my nails into my face. Disappointment, regret, confusion and more pain swirl through me. She arrived at Braxton and I only hurt her more.

Fuck!

This whole thing seems like a nightmare, but I
’
m still awake. I had so many chances to end this silly grudge, but I chose not to.

I stay in the same position until I
’
m able to drive again, but the pressure that embraces me never eases off. The drill in my gut never stops working, and I know that I have to come up with something really fucking special if I want to regain her friendship. Loving her isn
’
t enough. She needs more, because she is an angel and I should be rotting in hell.

I feel like shit going back to Braxton, but somehow I manage to hide my gloomy mood from Jacob.
A
s soon as we get back, Jacob wants to drive my Audi and I let him. He vanishes for an hour, during which time I try to recoup my energy. Every inch of me is numb, but I have to keep going, come up with a way of getting close to India again.

“
Man, this car sounds sweet! Can
’
t believe your mother kept it in the garage all this time,
”
Jacob says, as he stops on the street next to the house. My mother tried to talk to me before we left, but I couldn
’
t deal with her. All of a sudden she is pretending that she wants to fix my life. She didn
’
t tell me about the rape, but it
’
s not her fault. I
’
m the one in the wrong. If only I
’
d known about her fall. Someone should have told me that she was trying to kill herself. I cut all the ties because I didn
’
t want to be associated with my past, so it
’
s all my fault. India was there for my mother and I was too pathetic to keep in touch.

“
I don
’
t know, I might sell it,
”
I say.
“
If I want India to trust me again, I can
’
t drive around in this. My brother had great style, but this car will trigger her memories, and I don
’
t want that.
”

Jacob suggests we get some pizza and buzz for later in the week, so we head to the supermarket. Jhonny has some good shit and I
’
m planning to get stoned because I don
’
t want to feel anything. Then I remember the letter that I sent to India before we left. She probably received it on Saturday. My stomach feels like it
’
s filled with a pile of bricks because now I know that this isn
’
t going to be enough. I don
’
t want to think about Gargle. So, while sitting in the car that
’
s parked in front of our doorstep, I open a beer and drink to shut down the roaring guilt, to ease off the pressure and needles in my heart.

“
Oh crap, don
’
t tell me that she
’
s really here,
”
Jacob murmurs.

Dora shows up from around the corner, looking pissed, like a baby that is just about to start screaming. This doesn
’
t look good at all for my friend sitting next to me. That frown in the middle of her forehead deepens as she spots my car.

“
What
’
s her problem anyway? I thought that you two needed space?
”

“
Can you actually get any space from girl like Dora? She is more determined than anyone I ever knew.
”

We both get out of the car and I can see how Dora
’
s face changes from red to ashen as her eyes move around the Audi. She fucking knows about Christian, she has to.

“
Jacob, where the hell have you been the whole weekend?
”
she snarls, eyeing me with those angry eyes.
 

“
Dora, give it a rest. I went with Oliver to visit his mother. Besides, I don
’
t need to explain myself to you.
”

“
So you
’
re choosing him after what he
’
s done to India? He doesn
’
t deserve your friendship. He is a dirty, fucked-up psycho, worse than his own brother.
”

“
Shut your mouth, Dora! I
’
m nothing like my brother!
”
I bark, running my hand through my hair. I say that I
’
m not like him, but after today I start believing that I might be worse than him.