All About Me (13 page)

“
I don
’
t care what he did, Dora. He needs to start acting like a real man, not like his brother,
”
India says, and I imagine the look at her face when she is saying that. Fuck, her words are crushing me. Obviously, my apology letter meant jack shit to her.

“
Hold on and listen to this. Rhian was devastated when she caught Malcolm with MacKenzie in the Robinsons
’
s party. She was in the back of the house, crying her eyes out. Then Oliver showed up. That prick comforted her. If you ask me, I think he was pretending. He didn
’
t really care if Rhian was upset or not.
”

“
Hold on. They talked and he was acting like he cared that she was upset?
”
India asked.

“
Oliver apologised. He said that he realised too late that he hurt her. I don
’
t remember the whole conversation, but I think he said that he shouldn
’
t have gone out with her anyway, because he cared for you, but he didn't know that at the time.
”

I clench my fists, really wanting to teach Dora a lesson. She doesn
’
t believe that this apology was genuine.

“
You know, in the restaurant I really thought that he had changed, that the past was behind us.
”

My heart is breaking again, over and over. I want to come out of my hiding hole and tell her that I finally understand what she went through. That I
’
m ready for another shot. Fuck, no, she doesn
’
t want me.

“
He is too cocky and too caught up with his own perfect self to notice what kind of damage he does to other people, India. I think you
’
re better off without him.
”

“
You
’
re right. Now I
’
m glad that I sent those letters to him. At least I don
’
t have to carry any more secrets. It
’
s over.
”
She sighs.
“
But it
’
s strange that he apologised to Rhian. Maybe he finally understands that he can
’
t carry on behaving like he does.
”

Dora laughs.
“
Don
’
t be silly. He is showing off. There are probably plenty of girls like Rhian on campus. At least Russell is not a liar.
”

India says something else that I can
’
t hear. Then I hear someone else approaching. I recognise Evans.

I stand by the wall, closing my eyes and squeezing my jaw tight. I apologised to Rhian because I wanted to. I didn
’
t expect Dora to bring this up, but fuck, even now India doesn
’
t think that I
’
ve changed. I hear them getting into Evans
’
s car. Shortly after that the car park is deserted and I
’
m alone. Harsh wind ruffles my hair and I drag my feet forward towards campus, knowing that I might never get another chance with her. The damage is done; she doesn
’
t believe in anything I do.

Dora is right: I used to use girls, sleep with them and then move on to the next one. It
’
s obvious that India thinks that my apology to Rhian is just one those of games that I play. I take a longer route, thinking and analysing until I get home.
 

Chapter Twelve

More.

Present

I manage to drift off to sleep for a few hours, as the sudden exhaustion and misery hit me out of the blue. By the time I wake up and change, the boys are over with the buzz. Jacob leaves, telling me that he has to smooth things with Dora, so I
’
m left to entertain the crowd and make sure that my team has an unforgettable party. Evans hasn
’
t shown up, but he is part of the team whether he likes it or not, and I have to accept that without him, we wouldn
’
t have won. Jhonny puts the music on and the boys are getting into the party mood. India is in my head and I desperately want to talk to her.

For a moment I just want to drink and get pushed into that oblivion where I don
’
t have to feel guilty, even if it only works for a few hours or so. When Jacob arrives just after nine, I leave the boys with him and vanish upstairs to get my head around what I heard earlier on. India blocked my profile on Facebook, so I can
’
t even check what she is up to. Nothing is going the way I planned. She can
’
t be happy with Evans. It
’
s her choice, but my chest feels like it
’
s going to explode if I can
’
t ever hold her again.

Drinking myself to death won
’
t change anything. The boys are wasted when I arrive downstairs after two in the morning. There are a few empty bottles of vodka on the table, but most of them are out, sleeping wherever they were sitting last. I switch off the music, get some drinks from the fridge, and head upstairs. It looks like Jacob has also gone upstairs to his room.

After an hour or so of constant tossing and turning, I decide to go for a walk to clear my head. It
’
s late at night, around three in the morning, when I start moving through the streets around my neighbourhood. Ideas are piling up in my head, and even though India doesn
’
t want me now, I can wait. Patience is a virtue, as people say.
 

I like the streets immersed in silence. Most of the students party until late, but it
’
s late now even for them. It
’
s the best time for a walk. The temperature drops to nearly below zero, even though it
’
s April. Soon it
’
s only me, surrounded by old Victorian terraced houses and streetlights. The letter wasn
’
t enough, even with my speech, so now it
’
s time to push this further.

I feel better being alone, and when I
’
m just about to turn around to get back to my street, I spot a figure moving in a zigzag pattern towards me. I stop abruptly and widen my eyes, wondering if maybe it
’
s a fucking dream. India
—
it
’
s India. I would recognise her anywhere, shining in the darkness. At first I can
’
t believe my luck, but then it
’
s clear to me that something is wrong.

She is drunk! She can
’
t even walk straight, and she
’
s muttering to herself. It makes me fucking angry that that prick let her out on her own in the middle of the night where she could have been raped or attacked. I swallow hard, telling myself not to freak, and I approach her.
 

“
Hey, India, are you all right?
”
I ask softly when she finally spots me. Okay, she is really, really drunk, so drunk that her hatred for me has been burned out and she no longer hates me.

“
Oliver, I
’
ve been
…
looking everywhere for you,
”
she blurts out, giggling, not getting her balance right.

Don
’
t fucking shout, just stay calm, you asshole.

My heart pounds and I
’
m ready to kill that bastard for letting her out on her own in this state. Breathing through my nose, I say,
“
Come on, India, let
’
s get you home.
”

“
Let me tell you a secret. I
’
ve been looking everywhere for you,
”
she says and loses her balance this time around. I catch her before she hurts herself falling on the ground. My hands move around her waist and my pulse starts pounding one hundred miles an hour. Easy there, I think, inhaling her scent deeply into my lungs. My cock goes hard in an instant and my mind isn
’
t registering the fact that just a couple of hours ago she wouldn
’
t dare touch me.

“
I
’
m taking you home to bed,
”
I say though gritted teeth.

India laughs, mumbling something that I can
’
t understand. My house is a few blocks away and there is no way that she can walk. The reasonable thing to do would be to call that prick or Jacob and get her back to the apartment on campus. Fuck me, sometimes I can be a reasonable guy, but right now I want her to wake up in my bed and then talk. I lift her up and push her over my shoulder. She giggles and tells me to put her back down.

There is no way I
’
m letting you go by yourself, my star,
I think, wanting to keep her forever. She doesn
’
t weigh much, but she keeps wiggling, so by the time I reach the house I
’
m sweating like a pig. Yeah, she made me work out and tomorrow I
’
ll be aching like hell.

Silently I open the door and carry her upstairs. She is barely conscious now, passed out from the alcohol. She could never handle drinking much, always a lightweight. I place her in my bed and stand, taking a few deep breaths. She looks beautiful, lying there where she should be. Slowly I start taking her shoes off, trying not to wake her. Her feet are dirty, but I can
’
t worry about this now. Her clothes stink of cigarette smoke and vomit. I can
’
t even understand how she was able to stay awake until now. She must have drunk quite a lot.

Her trousers go next, revealing her perfect, long legs. Everything is how it should be. India is with me and I
’
m going to wait until she wakes up so we can talk. She
’
s wearing black panties with a matching bra. God, I can
’
t even imagine how much I want to make love to her. She has been through a lot of pain. If she lets me, I can fix it, make this pain go away. Her body is perfect and it wrecks me that we had so many lost moments; that, a few weeks before the events in the restaurant she touched my soul, bringing me to the happiest place, and was there for me. I run my finger over her stomach, enjoying the view. She mumbles in her sleep. My apology obviously made a slight impact on her. She doesn
’
t normally drink, but tonight she did.

I push the cover over her and situate myself on the other side. When I glance at the clock it
’
s nearly 4:00 a.m. My lids are heavy, but I don
’
t want to fall asleep. I want to watch her and wait until she wakes up. This conversation is going to be a blessing and I can
’
t miss anything. Her breathing is even, her hair beautiful. She shines even in her sleep, making me want to look at her forever.

An hour passes and I still look at her. Time is not on my side because I can
’
t keep my eyes open. Exhaustion slowly takes over and I
’
m pulled into the darkness.

Someone bangs on my door, and for a split second I don
’
t know where I am. I open my eyes and get up abruptly, recognising my own room. It
’
s light outside and the spot next to me is empty. The banging doesn
’
t stop, and when I jump out of bed my whole body screams with pain. Yeah, I should have expected it today. I took a hell of a beating yesterday, so I feel like someone hit me with a tractor.

“
What?
”
I ask, opening the door
.

“
Everyone is going for a full English, man. You up for it?
”
Ryan asks, one of my teammates.

“
Have you seen India?
”
I demand, pushing by him to the corridor. I check the bathroom, but it
’
s empty. I fucked up again, falling asleep.
 

“
Olie, are you sure you
’
re all right? India wasn
’
t here yesterday, man,
”
he says, looking at me with a concerned expression on his face.

I already know that she isn
’
t downstairs. She sneaked out when I was asleep.

“
I
’
m fine. No, I don
’
t want breakfast. You guys go,
”
I tell him.

“
Whatever, man. Nice game yesterday.
”

Then he strolls off, leaving me alone. Okay, I lost it there a little. I
’
m fucking positive that India was in my bed yesterday. Her clothes are missing, so she vanished after realising that she ended up in my bed.
 

Shower, I need a cold shower. I have a hard-on just thinking about her. I have never gone so long without sex, but India is worth waiting for. When I think about the shower, another scene comes to me. The one from many years ago.

Past

I was seventeen when it happened. Every time I laid eyes on her I
’
d get a hard-on. My brother dealt with his sexual frustration a different way. I didn
’
t want to think what he was doing to India behind closed doors. She always looked so miserable whenever I saw her in school the next day. There were days when I wanted to rip her away from his arms because I feared that he was hurting her.