All About Me (14 page)

My mind was always filled with fantasies about her. What if we were together? What if Christian had never been born? It was during one of those days when I was coming home from the gym early and my parents were gone. Mother had left with Dad for the first time in years. I heard them arguing about this not long ago in the kitchen.

In the past two months I
’
d been working out. No one knew about this, and it was the only thing that kept me sane since my pathetic mother
’
s illness got worse. India, Christian, and Bryan were in the living room watching some movies as I walked in. It was early evening and, as usual when my parents weren
’
t at home, Christian had invited his buddies over.

“
Hey, loser,
”
shouted Bryan.
“
Are you still a virgin? It
’
s about time for you to shag a bird.
”

That prick was showing off in front of my brother. Christian looked at me for a brief second, not saying anything. My brother never directly insulted me, but he let other people do it, just for fun.

India blushed, smiling at me. She had a bottle of beer in her hand. Christian always encouraged her to drink. I didn
’
t get why, but he kept saying that she had to chill out more.

“
Fuck you,
”
I snapped and went upstairs. Christian wasn
’
t a big fan of that prick, but they were always together, like he couldn
’
t get rid of him.
 

I
’
d had a great workout at the gym. I
’
d chosen a small sports centre, which was situated out of town. It was easier not to be recognised there. Back in my room, I stripped off my clothes and headed to the shower.
 

Warm water felt good. Tomorrow all my muscles were going to hurt. It
had
been only a couple of weeks, but I
’
d already started losing that fat around my stomach. My mother was probably going to be back later or tomorrow morning. Christian would get pissed along with that loser Bryan, and as usual, my stupid mother would blame me for the mess. Better bail in the morning before the row began. It fucked me off that my perfect brother got away with everything.

The water surged over my body. I started washing my hair as I heard the door open.

“
Fuck off, Christian,
”
I shouted, knowing that my brother liked to take a leak while I
was
occupying the bathroom. When there was no response, I let the water wash soap out of my face and looked around. India stood by the door, staring at me. She was flushed and smiling, which meant that she
’
d drunk a little bit more than she could handle.

She could see me. Within a few seconds, I
was
fully hard and not moving at all. She just stood there watching me.

“
Get out of here before Christian catches you,
”
I said to her, but my voice was barely audible, like I didn
’
t want her to move. She was wearing a tank top and shorts and had caught some sun, and she looked so good it made my chest tight. We both were aware of my apparent erection.
 

“
They went to the store to get some beer,
”
she said.
“
They asked me to get drunk. They said that I
’
m too uptight.
”

Fucking pricks.

I looked at her for a few more seconds and then I pushed the shower door open. I was naked and stepped back into the bathroom in front of India. My long hair was stuck to my body.
Her eyes met mine and then she bit her lip, pushing my thoughts away to another universe. No other girl had seen me naked and exposed before. As her eyes hovered over mine, I didn
’
t feel humiliated but instead, horny as hell. She blushed and darted her eyes down to my chest. Her pupils dilated as she began moving her eyes downwards, getting me hotter and harder. My head swam and surging heat rolled over the nape of my neck. My heart pumped more blood to my veins. I wanted to devour her trembling body. Even with her clothes on, I was ready to ignore the world around us and just keep staring at her. She was everything I
’
d ever dreamed of. Her beautiful face and those glowing eyes were making me want to bury myself inside her.

She lifted her hand and her fingers traced my wet chest, her hand shaking while my body raged with desire. I wanted more. Her touch was like a thunderstorm on my skin and I wanted to grab her and pull her closer to me. I didn
’
t care that my brother could walk in on us at any time. When her hand moved down to my pulsing hardness, I thought that I was going to come in front of her. I had to close my eyes, restraining myself from touching her. Wave after wave of heat spread through my naked body.

“
Oliver, you
’
re so beautiful,
”
she said as her hands moved away back to my chest. This was all too much for me to take. I had been dreaming about her for years, always thought she hadn
’
t even noticed me. She was drunk now, so she wasn
’
t in control of her faculties. I knew alcohol affected her that way.

“
India, why are you with him? He doesn
’
t make you happy.
”

“
He has control over me and I can
’
t break away,
”
she replied.

“
He doesn
’
t own you, India. Christian is just a spoiled brat. He noticed the way I was looking at you when we both showed up at school with my mother, and that
’
s why he asked you out all those years ago. He was playing a game with me, to prove that he was better than me.
”

Her lips started to tremble as her eyes acknowledged what I said. For that one moment, I thought that she was going to go back downstairs and tell my brother that it was over between them. Instead, she dropped her eyes and mumbled,
“
I have to go, Oliver. You are making me swoon and I can
’
t breathe when I
’
m around you.
”

Then she was gone, leaving me alone in the bathroom, hard and wrecked. So I got back in the shower and jerked off until that fucked-up tension was released.

Chapter Thirteen

Raw passion.

Present

Sunday passes and a couple of times I walk outside India
’
s apartment building, but I don
’
t have the balls to walk inside. I keep stretching my knuckles, wondering if it
’
s wise to go and see her. She slept in my bed, and it was obvious that she got drunk because of me. Maybe in the end she is convinced that I
’
m not the same cold, hateful guy anymore. Finally, I leave, knowing that I
’
ll only make this situation more complicated. India has been causing turmoil inside me since I realised that I love her, but she is with Evans now, so I can
’
t go in there and simply claim her back.

I get back home and then go for a run to cool down, but training only makes me angrier. Jacob doesn
’
t come home for a night, so I get drunk again, because alcohol pushes me into a deep, black hole and once I
’
m inside, I don
’
t need to think about the past.

Dora gives me a dirty look during lunch, not letting Jacob sit with me and the rest of the team. India shows up, yet again not acknowledging me at all, her head held high. Our eyes meet briefly when I pass her table, but I find nothing in them. She got drunk and wandered off towards my house. I didn
’
t apologise to Rhian for her, but I think I made a right call.

The rest of the day feels like time hasn
’
t moved at all. The lectures drag, and when I finally leave the biology room, I know that I need an early night. I have to stop drinking heavily; the hangover only fucks everything off. Cutting through the main building, I walk down to the ground floor, hoping to grab some food. The stairs are empty and some of the classes are nearly over, but I stop abruptly on the first floor when I hear a familiar voice.

“
You have nothing to worry about. Oliver hurt me, and I
’
m not going to even look at him. He can keep apologising as much as he wants, but it
’
s over between us.
”

My stomach churns while I stand still on the top of the stairs, hearing an intimate and private conversation between Evans and India. I made my bed so I have to lie in it now, but fuck me, she can at least talk to me. She showed me before that she is not running away, but I deserve a conversation. We slept in the same bed last night and she sneaked out in the morning. She probably didn
’
t tell Evans about that.

“
Tell me the truth: do you have any feelings for him? Because if you do, I don
’
t want to be the third person. Morgan wants you back; he wants to be close to you again. You guys have some sort of connection.
”

“
Russell, please, there is nothing between us. Let
’
s move on. My feelings for him died the moment he humiliated me in that restaurant. I don
’
t want his friendship or his apologies. He doesn
’
t deserve to have me back.
”

I choose not to listen to her anymore. The air is not getting to my lungs. Evans lets her wander off in the middle of the night. Fuck, she is lying to him and to herself. It
’
s like she pretends our years together were never important to her. I wait for him to leave, and when he does, I
’
m determined to talk to her. It
’
s now or never. This conversation is going to take place whether she likes it or not. But I need to stay calm, no swearing and shouting. Just two damaged people talking about the future.

She shows up a few seconds later, climbing the stairs, and I walk down and stand in her way. Her eyes go wider as she spots me, and she glances down. That startled look somehow makes me harder, but I need to concentrate right now. This is important.

“
Listen, don
’
t you think we should talk?
”
I ask her, going straight to the point.

“
Get out of my way, Oliver. We don
’
t have to talk. We have nothing to talk about,
”
she snaps.

“
You vanished from my room. I was disappointed. I
finally get it
—
how hard it has been for you. I don
’
t deserve to be with you, but please, let
’
s try to be friends.
”

India kept this secret from me. She led me to believe that she chose Christian at that party and fucked him because I hadn
’
t shown up. I was planning this, yeah, but I made that bet at the beginning of the term. Her breaths are shallow and her perfect chest rises and falls, sending a stream of inappropriate images through my mind. It
’
s just a conversation, that
’
s what I
’
m asking for. We slept next to each other and now she can
’
t even look at me.

“
Friends?
”
she snarls like I said a very good joke.
“
I
’
m never going to be friends with you, Oliver. If I mean anything to you, then leave me alone.
”

Okay, that fucking stabbed me right in my gut, but I have to keep going; rejection doesn
’
t bother me. I can take the punches.

“
I have behaved like a jerk, a selfish bastard. You were right about everything. I was too immature, but let me show you that I can be different, India.
”

She twists her lips a few more times, before she walks around me. Then she tosses her hair behind her.

“
Is it true that you apologised to Rhian couple of weeks ago?
”

I pinch my eyebrows together, breathing through my nose.
“
I
did what I thought was right. She was upset and
…
I think I should have done it sooner.
”

She smiles and walks around me, heading down the stairs.
“
That
’
s good, but your gestures don
’
t impress me. I don
’
t want to hang out with you, even as mates. I have Dora and Russell; they are people that I trust.
”

Then she runs downstairs while I stand still in the same position, my jaw hanging open. She is right; after all the shit, why would she need a friend like me? I can keep trying to apologise, but she has already made up her mind. I have to rebuild her trust
 
before she
’
ll even consider looking at me like that again.

The whole university is booming with assumptions of what I
’
m going to do next. Fuck me, I think I could go without the attention. People are so caught up with everything that is going on around me. It
’
s partly my fault. I created this cool image around me and made others spread gossip about me. I wanted to be in control, but now I see that it was a mistake. Right now, it
’
s all about India, but she only sees me as Christian, and I fucking hate that. Maybe there are other ways to make her look at me again.

I head home and sleep on my new ideas for the next couple of days. Her rowing competition should be happening soon. Instead of getting worried about what is going to happen with her, I grit my teeth and just move on with my life for the next couple of weeks until May. The British summer is finally on the way and I give myself until the end of this academic year to get her back or to be friends with her again. Either way, I
’
m going to leave her alone until then.

Some days I just like to look at her, admiring her beauty and the way she interacts with everyone. Yeah, people could ask me what the fuck is wrong with me. Why I
’
m so hung up with this girl. This whole love thing is exhausting and hurtful, seeing her hugging and kissing the other guy. I haven
’
t looked at any other girl since we broke up. It
’
s all right. I
’
m showing people that I am a changed man. India has to see that I
’
m most definitely not like my fucked-up brother.

Jacob isn
’
t really allowed to hang out with me, but Dora is, as usual, unreasonable. She is pissed, but at the end of the day she can
’
t give him an ultimatum if she loves him.

In a week or so, India is going to be forced to spend some time with me. She won
’
t tell her mother that we broke up. I know her too well. The exams are going to start pretty soon, but I
’
m not bothered about that. Christian acquired a new laptop before going to start Uni. It was a present from our father. Now the laptop belongs to me and I only just started using it.

During one rainy afternoon, when the weather forces me off the field, I wonder if there is any other way I can apologise to her again. The conversations and the letters didn
’
t get me anywhere. Now I
’
m ready for another shot. I switch on the laptop and put the camera on. This whole setup has to be original, deep, and from my own heart. In front of others, I
’
m cool with a bit of a temper, but I want to distance myself from that image. There is also that romantic side of me. Being without her is suffocating.

Okay, the camera is rolling. There is no point wasting time, so let
’
s get this show on the road.

“
Hey, India. This is me again, the guy that you hate so much. Since you don
’
t even want to look at me anymore, I thought that I
’
d give you this message; but first, I have to apologise to all the girls I hurt in the past. It
’
s not easy to admit that I
’
ve been jerk, a cocky bloke who thinks he can have any girl he wants, stealing hearts without looking at the consequences. I
’
ve treated girls like objects, things that I could have fun with, but never actually commit to emotionally. This wasn
’
t cool, and I know that all you ladies agreed to my terms, but I was in the wrong, so I
’
m sorry.
”