All My Life (13 page)

“Hey, you don’t have to be. No biggie.”

She gives a flat laugh, her face still filled with remorse. I rush to change the subject. “So how about it? Soup?”

She looks at the steaming bowl placed on the table and nods slowly. “Thanks. I’ll just go to the bathroom and brush my teeth first.”

As she slowly trudges across to the bathroom, I clean up the dishes I’d used to make the minestrone. It’s late and Mom will be worried. So, just as Agnas steps out, I tell her I have to get going. As I’m leaving, she hugs me tight and whispers a thank you in my ear.

In spite of the day I’ve had, I walk home feeling not the least bit tired. The small perks of a selfless good deed.

But as soon as I enter the living room, all my bliss fizzles out because Mom is sitting on the couch wearing her blue kitten pajamas and an ugly scowl.

“Kari…”

I break off her reprimand. “Agnas is not well, Mom.”

The scowl immediately clears. “Not well? What happened?”

I wonder if I should tell her everything. Neil has trusted me with this. Should I share it with Mom? The pause becomes long enough to be filled with static, so I don’t think, I just rush to fill it. “She’s got AIDS!”

Mom’s mouth pops open and she flops back on the couch as if the air just got kicked out of her lungs. “AIDS?” she whispers.

I nod my head and she gives me a sharp look. “How?”

“From a local clinic in Africa. She fell sick on vacation.”

Mom closes her eyes and shakes her head. “Unbelievable.” A beat later she opens her eyes and asks, “Is it an early stage? How much time…?” Her voice trails off but I get her unspoken question.

“Not much. She didn’t look too good today.”

“How can I help?”

I see the earnestness in my Mom’s eyes and I realize that’s what I love the most about my Mom. She may not like Agnas’s job or even her person but knowing now that she’s sick…she’ll bend over backwards to help her out. Pure solid gold. My Mom.

I give her a fond smile. “By being yourself.” Then I sit next to her and put my head in her lap. We stay like that for a long time.

I turn listlessly on my bed. It’s almost midnight but the voice just won’t go away. ‘Lie still now…yes, fuckin awesome.’ Bile rushes up my throat. Gagging, I jump off from my bed and rush to the bathroom. The filth inside me is itching to come out.

I just about make it in time. After throwing up noisily into the pot, I crouch next to the sink with my head in my hands.

I’d thought it was all over. That it was behind me now. I’d thought the nightmares would stop.
Oh! God.
This shit will never be over, will it? Every time I come close to Neil, it’ll surface again. I’ll never be clean again. The thought tortures me and I break down, muffling my sobs with my shoulder.

My phone beeps from the bed. I flush the toilet, blow out the snot flowing from my nose and then walk to my bed, feeling like a very old woman. A text message is blinking on my phone. From Neil.

Wld u believe if I tld u sumthin?

I’m not in the mood for cryptic messages so I just type.

Wht?

His reply is prompt.
That I’m d luckiest person alive?

Yah! Right! I type feeling weary and jaded.
& y wld that be?

I’ve got an angel lookin over me.

I smirk. Maybe he’s just talking about the soup I made. Men like that sort of thing. Women slaving, slogging over them. My Dad was the same. I type.
Is this d minestrone talkin?

Nah…It’s just…

What?! Just…what?! What could he possibly say that would make this night any less crappy? I look down on the phone. Nothing but despair in my heart. I’m gripping the phone so tight my fingers have turned white. Another beep and the screen flashes again.

Just that I…really, really love you.

My eyes start burning and the lump in my throat is so hard it’s almost painful to swallow. I drag in a lungful of air and let it out with a big whoosh. The feeling that washes over me…is completely indescribable. Completely incredible.

As a little girl your mind is filled with snow white, dwarfs, wizards, then you grow up and you realize you’ve got it all wrong. Life’s the dead opposite of a fairy tale. It’s at that time that you need to believe…in something magical. You need to hope there is something out there more fascinating than the dreary mess of your life. Maybe that’s why I like reading fantasy novels so much. The world in there is so much more interesting than mine.

I look at the message again. Memorizing each and every word, every comma, every turn of the letter. Because for the first time in my life, the reality seemed way better than fiction.

My phone beeps again.

Hope u din’t skimp on dinner? Dnt make me climb into ur bdroom…

Oh! This…this boy! He is a tormenting mix of contradictions. Sweet, attentive on one hand. Bossy on the other.
Jesus!
I am getting in over my head.

Plateful of lasagna, bowlful of salad & half a tub of ice cream. Does tht meet ur approval?

A few seconds too long and he replies.

Jesus! Has food become free?

I grin as I type.
No jerk. My appetite’s jst come bck with a bang.
Then I write.
Hv 2 yrs to make up for.

I get a one word reply.
Babe.

After a few seconds. Another one.
Gunight. Sleep.

I type before thinking.
& sweet dreams? I really need those.

His reply is instantaneous.
Havin trouble sleepin?

I drown in remorse.
No. Nothin like that. Just sayin.

Okay. Sweet dreams then.

2u2. And…I love you too.

Wish I cld be next to u right this minute.

U r. :  )

:  ) Goodnight, Angel.

Goodnight, sweetheart.

Babe. 

I push the phone under my pillow and plop my head on it. A wide grin intact on my face. It’s like I can’t stop smiling. I try to scowl, to frown, to mope but the smile keeps winning. Maybe they’ll get me for this. The guys up there deciding my fate. I imagine how I’ll look to them. A girl lying on her too hard bed, in her tiny room in a suburbia home in a crammed city, concrete continent, the bluest blue planet in a nondescript galaxy far, far away. They might be very busy those guys. But being this happy? It’s like sending out a beacon to the blight of fate. I shudder and close my eyes. Then something snaps inside me. Something that is tired of being afraid. The resolve strengthens and I decide not to cave in to the fear. I decide not to let go of this feeling. Instead, I open my eyes and tell myself to remember. To remember this moment that I’ll always dredge out from my memories. That will forever keep me warm. This moment when I feel so light, if I tried I could actually fly away. I won’t drown this moment. I’ll let it soar.

I drift off with the smile still intact on my face.

Morning comes but somehow, waking up doesn’t feel like such an unnecessary torment. I’d like nothing else but to scamper off to the shop to meet Neil but I can’t afford to miss college today. My finals are just weeks away and there is an important refresher class today. I whistle incessantly all through my morning routine, even as I walk into the kitchen.

“Good morning, Mom!”

I collect my share of the scrambled eggs and toast, and then I realize Mom is just standing there looking out of the kitchen window, a pensive look on her face. Immediately, all the cheerfulness is sucked right out of me.

“Mom? What is it?!”

She doesn’t say anything for some time and her silence worries me. I keep my breakfast plate back on the island and walk up to her. “What is it, Mom?”

She sighs deeply and then looks straight into my eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

My body jolts. “Told you what?” I whisper.

“About what happened to you, Kari. Why didn’t you tell me?! You thought I’d get angry? That I’d blame you? Judge you? Or did you think I couldn’t handle it?”

I squeeze my eyes shut and turn my back to her. “I just thought…I thought it’ll be over and then I wouldn’t need to bother you.”

“Oh! baby…I’m your mother! You’re not my bother…nothing you tell me could ever be a bother.” I feel her arms go around me and her chest collides with my back. She grips me tight and whispers in my ear. “You’re my baby girl. Nothing in this world is more important or more special than you are.”

The current I’m holding inside breaks and we’re both swept in it.

Almost an hour later, after I’ve spilled out everything to Mom, we finally manage to get down to having our breakfast. Around a mouth full of scrambled eggs, I ask her, “Who told you?”

“I got a call from the police station. They want you to give them a call. They need to speak to you about your complaint.”

My spine snaps to attention. “What else is left to say? I told them everything.”

“They said there are some formalities you need to complete.”

I immediately get up and head over to the land line. I hadn’t even remembered giving out the land line number in the police report! Why hadn’t they called me on my cellphone?

“Kari, finish your breakfast first!”

“I need to get this over with, Mom.”

I dial the number and ask for officer Browne. After a long wait, he finally comes on the line.

“Officer Browne? This is Kari. I got a call? About some formalities left for me to complete?”

And then he tells me. That they paid a visit to Eddie’s home yesterday. The apartment where he had taken me is apparently just one of the many properties his father owns across lower Manhattan. His father who is…a senator.

My heart thuds in my chest as he goes on. Every word more devastating than the other. He tells me Eddie has lawyered up. He will now fight against the charges in court. This is now going to go to the court! A
public
court.

Oh. God.

The rest of the morning passes in a daze. Tatiana keeps asking me what’s wrong. I have nothing to tell her. No excuses. No evasions. I have nothing left in me to put up any pretenses.

I ignore Neil’s messages and calls as well. I feel so tired. Of people. Their concern. Their questions. Their vile. Just so fucking tired.

After college, instead of going straight to the shop, I head home. Just as I’m about to put my keys in the door, I hear the voices coming from inside. Dad!
Oh. Dear. God.
 Mom told him. Now how will I ever face him?

I turn to walk away when I hear his voice shouting, “You are the reason she’s turned out like this! You’ve filled her brain with rubbish! Congratulations Agnas, you’ve turned your daughter into a slut!”

Pain cuts through my heart, slicing it clean. I turn around and rush to cross the street.

“Hey, Pippi! Howz you?!” Nalini’s voice greets me as I enter the shop. One look at my face and she immediately walks up to me, placing her hands on my shoulder. “Babe? You okay?” My face crumples and she envelops me in a hug. Then for the third time in a week, I recount the whole nightmare. For a whole year, I kept it a secret and now it’s like I can’t stop. A dam has been broken and the waves just keep rolling in.

“All you need is a kick-ass lawyer,” Nalini says when I’m finished.

I look at her with bleary eyes. “
What
?”

“A lawyer. Someone smart who can fight your battle in court.”

I shake my head dejectedly. “We can’t afford that. Mom doesn’t have much of her own money. And from what I just heard, I don’t think my Dad is going to help.”

“You don’t have to worry about that! I can get one for you.”

My head snaps up.
What?!
“How?!”

Nalini shakes her head.  “My Dad! That’s how! He is a criminal lawyer. Haven’t you heard of Q. Qureshi?”

I nod my head slowly. The name did seem familiar. Then I remember. Something on the internet about him defending a celebrity. The actor had been accused of shooting a trespasser but Mr. Qureshi had helped him evade jail.

“My Dad’s got a whole firm. I can line them up for you, girl! No sweat!”

I gaze at her incredulously. She’s not kidding. She really means it. Nalini is Q. Qureshi’s daughter? Who would have known?! First Neil, now Nalini! I feel like such a butt head. I’ve had my blinkers on so tight that I completely missed all the rich and famous people I’ve been working with!

Nalini smiles at me and wipes away my tears. “Life just dealt you a blow, Kari. Now you have to fight back. If you sit still for too long, it’ll just keep punching you in the gut.”

“Nalini…I don’t know how to thank you,” I tell her honestly.

“Then don’t. Now, much as I love to say this…let’s get our asses back to work!”

She hops off and continues with her filing work. But before I get on with my work, I check my phone. There are 15 missed calls and 8 unread messages. “Where’s Neil?” I immediately ask Nalini.

“He didn’t tell you? Agnas had to go for a check-up. He’s with her. They left just before you came.”

“Oh!”

“Does…he know?” Nalini asks me softly.

I nod my head in the affirmative and Nalini gives me a wide smile. “I always knew the panty-melter wouldn’t let us down.”

I roll my eyes as she sniggers, bringing some much-needed normality back into my life.

I type a long overdue reply to Neil’s messages.

Sorry cldnt reply earlier. ur Mom ok?

A minute later and my phone beeps.
Just tests. Where were u in mornin?

Oh God, he’s pissed!
 
I punch in my reply.
Prep classes.

Thankfully, he buys the excuse.
Okay. See ya later?

Ok : )

I
will
tell him everything! But just not now. He has enough on his plate already.

I have just two clients for the evening. One slotted, one walk-in. Both want butterflies. The trending metaphoric emblem of womankind.

After we’ve wrapped up, Nalini and I part ways but not before she tells me that she’s already called her father and fixed a meeting for me for next week.
God
but I have the bestest friends.

Now, I’m lying on my bed buried under my soft quilt and just as I shut my eyes allowing myself to drift, my phone beeps.

Goodnight, Angel.

My fingers can’t type fast enough.
Goodnight, sweetheart.

Then I place the glowing screen of my cellphone right on top of my heart and go to sleep.