All of the Lights (3 page)

God, this sounds like I'm talking about
The Hunger Games
.

For as long as I can remember, my dad has told us that the Callahans are nothing more than Southie trash. "
I can't let a Callahan get into office,"
I even overheard him saying a few weeks ago. "
They have no business trying to govern our city."
Before my attack seven years ago, it might've just been about differences of class, philosophy, and education. Now even my dad can't hide the personal reasons surrounding his blatant animosity.

His agitation over this upcoming election is so out of character it's not funny. The last thing he needs is to have one of his daughters, even if it's Lucy, seen anywhere near a Callahan establishment, especially given the way our two families are irrevocably connected. The press would eat the story up like the overindulgent children they are and my dad's standing in the election would suffer.

I know better than anyone what he'll do to avoid a potential scandal and as much as I should leave Lucy to her own devices, I just can't set her up to fail like this.

"Alright, Raena," my dad finally relents and blows out a deep breath. "Since Luciana isn't answering her phone, will you have her call me when she's back on our side of town?"

Of course, by our side, he means all the sides that aren't in Southie.

"I will. Promise."

"Good."

He ends the call because I've served my purpose and I stare down at my phone like it'll somehow magically display the answer to my lifelong question:
what do I have to do to get you to actually love me?

The answer is cloaked in years of pent-up frustration, countless cries for attention, all of which blew up in my face, and finally, a heartbreak that just won't heal. Valentino Moretti is not a sentimental man, but the only time I've ever seen anything remotely like emotion flicker across his face is whenever my little sister is around.

"Rae," Bennett's voice calls out to me, pulling me out of that darkness. "Hey, Rae?"

My head shakes on its axis and I suck in a breath.

"You okay?"

My eyes flick up to Bennett's dark ones and the lines in his forehead crease deeper in palpable worry. He's seen this exact same exchange a million times and it never gets any easier for either of us.

"Yeah, Benn. I'm fine."

"I've said it before and I'll say it again: your dad is a dick."

A weak laugh pushes through my throat and that's about all I can muster. One short, practically one-sided conversation shouldn't have this kind of effect on me. But it does and I suddenly wish I had more than just one bottle of white wine waiting for me in my apartment. At the rate I'm going, I'm probably better off just checking myself into rehab.

"I mean, seriously," Bennett continues his crusade to cheer me up, but we both know he's failing. "Who gives someone like Zero a freaking
store
? He deserves to lose all the money he's put into this and then some."

For my college graduation, I got a check for $1,000. Generous? Sure. And I used half of that money on the security deposit for my first 'adult' apartment and put the rest in the bank.

My sister got a store.

"If he comes in here one more time and says you need to be helping her more, I'm gonna...I don't know what. I'm gonna do something."

"Thanks, Benn," I pat him on the shoulder just for good measure. "Appreciate it."

"That's what I'm here for, Clamato," he smiles and squeezes my hand. "And please know that I'm only saying this because I love you, but it's time for you to figure out how to move on."

My lips part to protest, but I don't have a chance to even get a word in because he swoops in with a truth I'm not ready to hear.

"It's been three months, Rae. Josh has moved on. You know he has. And he probably hasn't thought about you twice since you moved back home. It's time for you to get out of your cave and do things again. Happy things. Scary things. Whatever it is, I just want you to figure out how to be yourself again."

He says the word,
again,
like I ever had it figured out in the first place.

"Benn," I sigh. "It's not that easy."

"I know," he nods sympathetically. "But look at where you are. You're stuck here working for your
sister
, of all people, when you could be doing so much more. You just choose not to."

"What if I like working here?"

He cocks an eyebrow my way. "Okay, I'll accept that you like working here, but not that you like working here as her
employee.
You're so much better than this and you know it. I mean, you've basically been running this store for her since you moved back. Everyone and their mother knows it's been doing better and she still takes all the credit for it. Doesn't even compensate you the way she should. You have a degree in finance for shit's sake and are
way
overqualified. She should pay you what you're worth, but she doesn't and you want to know why?" He doesn't wait for me to respond. "Because you haven't asked for it. That's why."

Instead of addressing the elephant in the room, I choose to focus on the easiest hurdle.

"I'm sorry I haven't figured out what to do with my life," I tell him with a shrug. "But what am I really supposed to do? I just don't...I just don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. I just..."

Something is simmering right underneath the surface. It's so close I can taste it and I think if I were to reach out and finally hold it in my hands, it might be enough to crumble everything I know and every plan I've ever made for the course of my life. I just don't know if I'm brave enough. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to set out in this new direction, wherever it may lead.

"I just..." I stumble through it, fumbling toward something as elusive as it is terrifying. "I hated it. I've always hated it."

Now that I've finally said what I've always known, the insurmountable weight holding my lungs in a chokehold loosens and slips away. I can breathe now. Maybe I could get used to that feeling if it didn't bring a whole mess of daunting prospects with it. Namely, what my life will look like if I do go back to a place like Kirkland & McKenzie, where they pulled my soul out of my nostrils one day at a time.

And that's even without acknowledging the fact that my boyfriend dumped me right after I found out I'd lost my job three months ago.

Bennett stares at me like he's been expecting this. In fact, given the way his lips curl up in a soft, knowing smile, I think he's a little surprised I haven't said it sooner.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" he laughs and wraps an arm around my shoulders. "They did you a favor. Just because you're good at math doesn't mean you have to make a career out of it. You're like Matt Damon in..." he snaps his fingers and looks to me for help. "Crap. What's the name of that movie?"

"
Good Will Hunting,"
I offer dryly.

"Yes!" he claps his hands together. "That's the one!"

"Benn," I shake my head. "I wouldn't exactly call myself a mathematical genius. If I was, I'd be working for NASA or something awesome like that and I probably wouldn't hate my life as much as I do right now, so...there's that."

That sobers him up a little and he releases one long, weary sigh of compassion.

"The point is," Bennett leans forward on the counter to show me just how sincere he is, as if I didn't know already. "Matt Damon—God I love him—didn't want to spend his whole life being something he didn't want to be. If I remember right, he decided to go see about a girl instead, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, what I'm
trying
to say is that math isn't the only thing you're good at. It's okay to plan on not having a plan for once, but at some point, you have to start pulling one together."

That's a hard pill to swallow. Up until three months ago, every day of my adult life has ticked by like a well-oiled machine all thanks to lists, post-it notes, and planning. My teenage self, riddled with mistake after mistake and one wrong turn after another, is all the fuel I need to force myself into making better choices and to operate safely with as little risk-taking as possible. The problem is that my well-oiled machine is currently in the midst of a breakdown.

"And you know what?" Bennett soldiers on. "You can do anything you want and it's okay to take the time to figure that out. But it's not okay to waste yourself in the process. It's not okay to be so miserable all the time. It's not okay to let your dad and your sister take advantage of you. It's not okay to just go through the motions. You need to live, Rae. You need to take some risks. You need some adventure."

It's like I'm stranded on the side of a road, without a phone, without a spare, without any gas and I've got no way to get where I'm supposed to be. Or, even worse, I'm floating down a river towards a bluff without a paddle or a lifejacket. Bennett's pushed me right up to the precipice and it feels like I just might jump. Something is coming and I don't know whether to shake with fear, cry in anticipation, bounce with adrenaline, or something in between.

"Adventure, huh?" Now it's my turn to cock an eyebrow at him. "Going to Na Soilse is the adventure you have in mind?"

His lips part sheepishly and he shrugs. "I'm just trying to get you out of this funk. Look, we don't have to go to Na Soilse. You're right—it's not a good idea for you to be there. We'll make a pit stop, I'll talk to my cousin and see if I can get Zero in tonight because I feel like being nice for once—"

"It
is
her birthday," I remind him playfully, but I still don't like the turn this conversation has taken.

"That's right!" he claps a hand to his forehead. "How did I miss that little detail? Anyway, you'll get to make your sister happy, you can make sure she calls your dad, and then we'll hit up some place closer to home."

My face scrunches up indecisively. He's almost got me and he knows it. I just don't know if I'm ready for it. Suddenly, Bennett clicks through some screens on my iPad and opens my well-used list-making app. I never should've admitted that I actually downloaded an app specifically for lists. His dark eyes scan my most recent one and his eyes flash to me.

"Oh wow," he shakes his head. "This is...I knew your existence was bleak right now, but I had no idea you were
this
far gone."

I reach for my iPad, but he palms a hand on my forehead to keep me at bay.

"Stuff I Need To Buy At Target," he reads the title a little too gleefully for my liking. "1) Karina Halle's new book 2) Litter 3) Tampons 4) Mascara 5) Toilet bowl cleaner...Jesus, Clamato, this reads like a must-have shopping list in
The Sad Cat Lady's Digest
or something."

"Shut up," I snap, once again trying and failing to get my iPad back.

"Alright," he taps his chin in thought. "Sometimes your compulsive list-making, type A stuff makes me a little stabby, but I think this is one of those situations that calls for a newer, better list."

He doesn't waste any time and clicks open a new list before I can stop him. I look over his shoulder warily as he titles our new list, "Reasons Why Clamato Can't Go Out Tonight."

Bennett drums his hands on the counter in thought before he starts typing. "1) She has a smutty book to read. Fact: you can find a guy at just about any bar or club in town to get
actually
smutty with. Moving on. 2) She doesn't think she's ready yet. Fact: you'll never know if you don't try. Moving on. 3) She feels depressed about the state of her life. Fact—"

He whips his phone out, clicks a button, and then I hear it: "
I feel better when I'm dancing, yeah yeah. Better when I'm dancing..."

Bennett's hips move to the beat as he sings along with Meghan Trainor and somehow, he's got me smiling again. My shoulders even shake a little and then my head bobs from side to side before he twirls me around.

Who am I kidding? He had me at
bye bye bye.

Rae

Street lamps and bright neon signs light up the road like a spotlight, zeroing in on exactly where I shouldn't be.

"Hm," Bennett muses from behind the steering wheel. "I forgot what Southie was like at night."

If he means the ominous, slightly nefarious glow from the street lamps, then he's hit the nail on the head. This place is terrifying. At the end of the day, it's just some buildings and some concrete, but it's the culmination of everything I'm afraid of: the unknown. The forbidden. And instead of being sucked in like Lucy, entranced by that thrill, I'd rather run back to my safe apartment as fast as Bennett's little Prius can take me.

And considering that Bennett spent the first part of his life here, his puzzled voice is more than a little unsettling. The wide, bright green neon sign for Na Soilse comes into view and a cold shudder works its way down my body.

Bennett ends up finding a parking spot about three blocks away from the club and then we have to decide:

"I mean, you can't stay in the car, Rae. I don't know how safe it is for you."

"It's not safe for me in that club either."

"I know that," he relents and grips the steering wheel a little tighter. "We won't go inside, okay? I'll have the bouncer go talk to Patrick or something and it'll be fine. We'll just stand outside the door and wait until everything's all settled."