All of the Lights (55 page)

She just shakes her head against my hands. New tears stream down her face and then her shoulders tremble as her entire body seems to crumble in on itself.

"I never even got a chance to really know him," she whispers and squeezes her eyes shut. "I feel like it was stolen from us."

I don't want to waste any time imagining what might have been, but I just can't help it. Things could've turned around for them, for all of us, and she's right—that chance was ripped away before we even really got a grip on it. That dinner we'd planned just a few days ago, that would've been the start. If we'd had more time, if we'd had more opportunity, Brennan could've found a way to look past the history, the same way Sean has, and those guys would've reveled in having a little sister. Two big brothers, just looking out for their sister, giving her new boyfriend a hard time...yeah, I could see it. That could've happened—and everything that could've followed, shared family dinners, trips, celebrations of birthdays and new arrivals, Christmases and New Years, hundreds and hundreds of Pats and Sox games...

It's never going to happen now. At least not with Brennan.

"He would've loved you," I murmur hoarsely. "He would've welcomed you into the family—there's no doubt in my mind, Rae. You guys were already headed there, but—"

"We never got the chance," she cuts in as she wipes some more tears from her face.

My hands leave her face, but they don't get very far. I envelope her in the only thing I can give her. It's not enough, but this is all I've got. Just this little bit of comfort, this little bit of reassurance that somewhere, in another life and another time, Brennan could've been part of the family she never had.

"You still have Sean," I tell her as my thumb catches another stray tear. "You still have Lucy. And you still have me."
 

"That doesn't mean you have to come with me, you know."

My lips curl up into a pained smile. This isn't how I expected I'd tell her this, but here we are. Hands tied behind my back with no other options. Finally ready to admit something I knew was true a long time ago. It's the only way she'll truly understand, too, why I just can't sever myself from her.

"I'm coming with you because I love you, Rae. I'm not going anywhere you're not. If you have to leave, then I have to leave too. "

Her beautiful, soft lips part to protest, but I catch the words before they can fall out into the open.

"You've been mine since the night we met," I murmur against her lips. "There's no use in fighting it now."

I wrap my arms around her to prove my point, holding her body to mine, showing her that there's no emptiness in my words. I'm not just saying what she thinks she needs to hear. I'm not just throwing out such heavy words because I feel like I have to in a time like this. Every word, every feeling, every touch, every kiss, every moment has been real.

"I love you too," she whispers. "I'm just sorry it has to be this way."

"Not your fault," I tell her as I brush my lips over hers. "I'm with you, Rae. You're not leaving without me."

She swallows hard and her lips curl into a weak smile, but a few stray tears still slip down her cheeks. I catch them with my thumbs before they get too far.

"You're trying to be brave. You're trying to be strong," I grin down at her and her eyes soften. "That's just what you do. It's one of the reasons why I love you. But it doesn't matter where we go or how long it takes us to get there. I'm with you."

She buries her face in my neck and I can feel relief pouring off her in waves. Her lips trail up my skin, searching for something I know I can give her, and maybe this is just our grief doing the talking for us, but I've never needed anything or anyone like I need her in this moment. If I could just hold her this way forever, touch her this way forever, maybe we won't have to carry the horror we experienced tonight with us forever.

"How did that line go?" I whisper, my fingers trailing a line over her lips. "There're darknesses in this world and there're lights. You're one of the lights, the light of all the lights."

Her eyes squeeze shut and she rests her forehead against mine. "Are you sure it's a good idea to quote them? It's not like their story exactly had a happy ending, you know."

"I know," I chuckle and sweep some of that soft auburn hair away from her eyes. "We're not them. Our story will have a different ending. I promise you that."

She chews anxiously on her bottom lip and I swoop down to catch it between my teeth, giving it one soft nibble to get a laugh out of her. This is still so new, still so surreal that we're sitting here like this now—I've wondered what she would look like asleep in my bed, how peaceful she'd be, how much I'd want to trace the lines of her face just to convince myself that she's really there and tonight I'll get to do just that. Even though the next night we'll be sleeping in a different bed, in a different city, it's better than nothing.

There will be a tomorrow, but it's going to look very different from today.

So when a knock on my front door pulls us out of this one moment of safety, I don't want to let her go. I don't ever want to let her go.

Still, I let her slip away from my arms and get up to answer the door. Times like this, I really wish I owned a gun, but up until now, I've never felt the need for one. I've always felt safe in my neighborhood, surrounded by the people I've grown up with my entire life. Tonight I don't feel quite so warm and fuzzy about anything outside of my apartment walls.

"Go to the bedroom," I call over my shoulder. "Just in case, okay? We're fine, but...just stay there for a little while."

I wait long enough to make sure she's shut the door behind her before taking a quick look through the peephole in my front door.

"Shit," I exhale and shake my head. This night just went from horrific to excruciating. As if things could get any worse. As if things could possibly get any more complicated.

With a sigh, I open the door to Roark Callahan. His face is pinched tight with somber grief, his eyes are puffy and lined with red, and it's clear his night hasn't been much better than mine. He seems older than the last time I saw him, more weathered and wearier with the life that's led to this. I haven't spoken to either of my parents yet, mainly because I just don't know if I'll be able to take the sound of their distraught voices right now, but a phone call would've been easier than this.

"Jack," he nods, his voice low and scratchy, probably from crying.

"Pop."

I almost reach for him. I almost let myself comfort him even if he can't give me much comfort in return. And then I remember Rae. If I can do anything for her, I can shield her from this. I can—

Rae materializes from the hallway—God, does she ever listen?—and stills just a few feet away from us. It takes a moment, maybe because we're all strung out from grief, but my dad's eyes widen as they take her in. All the blood drains from his face and he stumbles back a few steps, like he's seriously considering making a run for it, but then he shakes himself out of it.

"Raena," he whispers like he's speaking to a ghost.

There's no reason to believe he poses any kind of threat to her, but I step in front of her anyway to shield her from his view. His eyes harden with new resolve as he looks to me again.

"I came here tonight because I don't know where else to go," he starts with a gravelly voice. "I guess it's just...I don't know, divine intervention or something that both of you are here."

"I don't know if I care anymore."

He grimaces and rubs a hand over his mouth with a slight nod. "Yeah, I get that. But the thing is, if I'd just done the right thing from the beginning, Sean wouldn't be in prison and you..." he swallows hard as his eyes find Rae, "you wouldn't have gotten hurt. And Brennan," his voice cracks on the name of his dead son, our fallen brother, "wouldn't have been a target. He'd still be with us. Everyone has suffered because of me—your mother...maybe she'd still be alive if—"

When I feel Rae stiffen behind me, I jump into action. "Why are you here?"

Despite my best efforts, she sidesteps around me until we're shoulder to shoulder. Her chin is held high and strong and there are no tears shining in her green eyes. Who am I to try to deny her this?

With his eyes focused solely on the daughter he abandoned, he replies, "I want to tell you the truth. You deserve it. You both deserve it."

My head dips into a nod, but Rae remains still and stoic next to me. When I rest a hand on her lower back to steady her, to comfort her, my dad's eyes widen with new awareness. Well, if he didn't know why she was in my apartment before, he certainly knows now.

"I know what Father Lindsay told you. I'm sure you're wondering if I ever got that last letter from Jill," his eyes soften and glow when he says her name.

I see it now—maybe he really does love my mother, but he never loved her the way he loved,
still
loves Jillian Moretti. That's okay, I guess, because now I understand what love can do, how it can completely alter your plans, your life, your motives, how it can shift the very axis you stand on. How it can sweep through everything you thought you knew and set you on fire. How it can be the greatest and the worst thing that ever happened to you all at once.

"I got the letter," he murmurs, looking down at the floor for just a moment before his gaze flicks back up to us. "And I wrote back, telling her to meet me at Castle Island. I just had no idea what I was going to say to her when we actually met. I knew she'd given birth to you...I was halfway to the hospital that day as soon as I found out, but then I just couldn't make myself go the rest of the way."

"That's because you're a coward," I tell him simply. It's easy now, telling him what I really think of him. I have nothing to lose. Nothing to gain either, but that's not the point.

My dad flinches, but he doesn't correct me. There's nothing to correct.

"You're right," he sighs heavily. "I am a coward. Always have been, always will be, I guess. I wanted them both—Jillian and Maura. I didn't know how to give the other one up because I didn't want to. Jill...she was the love of my life, but I married Maura. Took
vows
with her. Had children with her. Had a life with her. I couldn't just throw that away either. I guess, in the end, I didn't have to make the decision because Moretti made it for me."

Just when I thought I knew where this story was ended. Damn. Should've seen this one coming too.

"He came to see me at the bar the day after I agreed to meet with Jill and told me he'd known since the very beginning. Our secret meetings. Our relationship. Our baby. He knew everything. There was nothing I could say to defend myself because how do you explain away infidelity? How do you explain an affair that never should've started again in the first place? I knew, just as well as anyone, that things should've ended between us when she was 17 and I was 20 and it should've stayed that way when we found each other again six years later. When we knew better. When we had more to answer for than just ourselves. I'm not trying to excuse it; I guess I just want to explain it...when she came back into my life, I wanted to hate her for leaving me. I couldn't hate her, though, because she did the right thing. We would've had nothing except each other if we'd run away together and after a while, that wouldn't have been enough. But I was stubborn and at first, I wanted to punish her. Then I just wanted to love her again. I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried."

I don't like the way this story is headed, but now that he's started, we're left with no other options but to see it through to the end.

"So Moretti told me, as easily as if we were talking about the weather, that if Jill tried to leave him, he'd kill her and the baby she'd just given birth to," he pauses long enough to gather his bearings and Rae sways a little from the impact. "He even admitted, right to my face, that he set up everything the night Shane died. How it was just an 'unfortunate misunderstanding' that Shane was in the ring, not me. He told me he wouldn't hesitate if I left him no choice, that he'd make it look like an accident. What was I supposed to say to that? What else was I supposed to do?"

He shakes his head, more at himself than anything. "I think, in some way, I was grateful for the threat. I didn't have to make the decision anymore, you know? This way, I could save Jill's life and your life and I wouldn't have to destroy my family in the process. I thought it was the right choice. The only choice. I told Maura as much too."

My dad's eyes flick to me and he swallows hard before forcing himself to continue. "She knew. She'd known for a long time—probably even longer than Moretti because she just doesn't miss anything. The night of the fight...that was the night she finally confronted me. Screamed in my face that she knew everything, every dirty detail about the woman I was cheating on her with. That was why I didn't show up that night. You have to understand, Jack, I love your mother. I really do. I couldn't even look her in the eye I was so ashamed with myself. And then when I got the call that Shane had died, I took off running for Jill—from one woman to the other. In love with two women. God, I'm so pathetic. So pathetic and stupid. When Moretti gave me that out, I thought it would fix everything. Maura would be happy again and Jill and our baby would get to live."

"Didn't you ever think that leaving Rae and her mom with an admitted murderer was a bad idea?" I seethe, unable to believe what he's telling me. The depth of his cowardice and his stupidity is just...it's too much to wrap my head around all at once.