All That I Need (Secret Desires)

Chapter One

We had our happily ever after right? We were husband and wife, and were ready to tackle the world together. Only when we least expected it, lights exposed the cracks that would challenge our marriage and test us in ways we could never expect.

I didn’t anticipate the changes that would come, the stress that would follow, or the heartache we’d both have to work through. When I pictured our happily ever after, I didn’t plan on the speed bumps that would slow us down.

Not long after we were married, we had a going away party for Jake. He volunteered and deployed once again. Only we had no idea that we were actually saying good-bye. When the news came that he’d been killed during combat it hit Austin hard. He was never the same.

I was quickly learning that being married to a soldier meant more than being his lover and best friend. It meant he had more baggage than I could ever imagine; baggage that would challenge us ways we couldn’t anticipate.

Austin’s mind played with him, and everyone around him became a possible threat, even me. Nothing prepared me for the changes that came when

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder settled in and made itself at home in Austin’s brain.

I’m getting ahead of myself, because quite honestly there were amazing moments, and we started our marital journey on a cloud of bliss. The anxiety, the stress, the challenges…they weren’t always there, but after losing Jake everything changed.

After our wedding, we went on our honeymoon and talked about our future, our plans, and Austin’s desire to start school and find a new career. We were excited, even enchanted with our dreams. This was it, the start of our lives together. Heck, we barely got out of bed, and spent most of our honeymoon making love. When we’d stop for a bite to eat, we’d laugh and share our plans, a new career, a family, and whatever else sounded wonderful at the moment. It seemed perfect, but it was only an illusion, a picture that would never materialize.

My life would never be the same. It took all of my energy to cope, and watching him go through it was torture. I started out feeling sympathetic, but after a while when it didn’t correct itself like a simple cold and dragged on, I grew tired and weary, tired of his defensive state, and it pained me to see life wasn’t going to be what we planned.

Sure there were moments I felt selfish and wanted things to be easier for me, but most of the time I watched him quietly struggle, withdrawing from life, and simply checking out. I didn’t know how to deal with that, live with that, and make sense of it. I loved him, I just didn’t know how to make it better, and felt lost.

He hated that I saw him as broken. I didn’t mean to, he just seemed wounded, and I wanted to fix him, only I couldn’t. Austin battled his own mind, and it was wearing him down – wearing me down, wearing us both down.

His mental scars were invisible. It’s not like a bullet wound, where you can see his flesh had been torn. I couldn’t see this, and I didn’t know how to make it better. He didn’t either.

He thought it was behind him, coming home from combat. He thought it was over… only he can never fully let go of what he saw, what happened, or losing a friend.  Who knew it would sneak up on him later; it was all some grand illusion, this regular life he thought he could live. Fading away, it left a mental wound large enough to tear a hole into our lives.

There was guilt, pain, lives that were taken and lost, souls that lived in his mind…gone at the hands of those fighting a war. He was simply doing his job, and now that it was over he was left to clean up the shattered glass of his mind.

Chapter Two

Curled up in bed, Austin fed me a piece of shrimp, slowly dragging it through the cocktail sauce, and then lifting it to my lips. The mix of horseradish was strong in the spicy dip, heating my tongue. We called down for room service and were enjoying a leisurely snack. We barely crawled out of bed, and while the resort and amenities were amazing, I wanted nothing more than to spend time with my new husband in bed.

“Mrs. Sharpe, I love the sound of that,” he cooed, as I nibbled on the shrimp he fed me.

“Mmm, me too,” I purred. Looking into my husband’s eyes, I got lost over and over again. How had I gotten so lucky? Life was good, and was only going to get better. We had plans, a future was opening up, and we were going to have a family.

Our honeymoon ended too quickly, and on our last day, we made full use of the room, melting into each other’s arms, tangling in the sheets, and making love over and over again. I hated to pack up and head home, but I knew everything would be okay. Austin was my husband, and we were ready to start our lives together as one.

When Jake announced he was going back overseas, Heather and I got together to plan a going away party. Scott, Jake, and Austin were like the Three Amigos, and we needed to put a proper bash together. There would be booze, laughter, and plenty of people to party with. We didn’t know… how could we? I mean, there’s always the chance, but you push that out of your mind.

As the night wore on, the three of them were drunk and laughing, sharing stories of adventure. We took Jake’s motorcycle keys away, and made him sleep at Scott and Heather’s house for the night. It was fun to see them having so much fun. We didn’t know…

That was the last time we saw him, and reality came crashing down, hitting Austin hard.

We were in bed when the call came in. His face nuzzled between my breasts, a romantic encounter about to take place…when he turned to answer the ringing phone. It was in that moment that I lost him…and I’m still waiting for him to come back to me.

Oh, he’s here in body, but his mind is elsewhere. He’s been distant, depressed, and the anger comes in fits and starts. He’s burdened with guilt, and his sleeping is erratic again. It’s like somebody flipped a switch in that moment, and everything that was buried inside of him unlocked.

I don’t know how to fix him, heal him, and when I beg him to talk to somebody, he gets angry. He doesn’t trust anyone to help, and feels frustrated and lost. I can’t even begin to grasp the change, but I try to understand, it’s just that sometimes it’s hard not knowing how to make it better.

Cracks were forming in our marriage, and I didn’t know if I could hold it together. How could this be happening so soon – the stress bearing down on us?

“You can’t understand,” he’d yell. “You have no idea what it’s like to be fired on, ambushed, wondering if you’ll survive, and living with that state of mind that it’s kill or be killed. How do you live with killing somebody trying to surrender, or seeing innocent children hurt, and hoping and praying when you go home, you’ll be able to erase it from your mind? Only the joke is on you, you’re going to see those images in your head forever. How do you forgive yourself for the things that happened, and how do you let it go? You tell me.”

I never had a response, how could I? I let him vent it out when he needed to, but he was withdrawing from me, and what started as outbursts turned to stone silence. The depression, the need for a rush, the drinking…it went from a social activity to an escape from reality.

When I suggested he see somebody, to get help, he thought I was against him. He didn’t trust that he’d get help, and only feared he’d be labeled, something that would never go away from his files. He was sure it would fix itself eventually… and no lousy doctor would be able to erase the images he saw, or the thoughts he had. Only people with weak minds got help… he was a soldier, and he didn’t need to “talk” to somebody.

This wasn’t the life I planned; it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. Where was our happily ever after? I felt selfish having these thoughts, but I couldn’t turn them off.

I finally begged Scott to sit and talk with him, at least try to reach him. I was losing Austin – and Austin was losing himself.

“It’s going to take time, Kate,” he soothed, “give him some time.”

“I’ve tried giving him space, tried to understand, but it’s like he’s withdrawing more and more. I’m worried about him. He should talk to somebody.” I pleaded with him, not knowing what else to do.

“He thinks it’s a sign of weakness to get help,” he said quietly, “for a man, a soldier, it’s different.” Scott shook his head, “He’ll get through this, but you just need to give him time. You can’t force him to get help. If he wants it, he’ll seek it out.”

“He’s shutting down, I don’t know how to help,” I said. “I love him so much, and hate to see him suffer. Please Scott,” I said, looking him directly at him, “please reach out to him. He won’t listen to me anymore, and I’m worried about him.”

Scott let out a loud sigh, “I’ll talk to him, but I can’t promise anything. Trust me, we all need to talk to somebody, but actually doing it is something else.”

“Thank you,” I said, feeling relieved. Maybe coming from somebody else he would listen, get help…talk to somebody, anybody. Scott had gone through it too, he would understand.

Scott shook his head after talking to Austin. “He’s not ready,” he said. “I’m sorry Kate, but he has a lot to process, and it’s going to take time.”

I looked down, “I appreciate your time.”

I got the cold shoulder from Austin for going to Scott. “It’s not his business,” he shot at me. “How can he respect me as a man, now that he thinks I’m weak?” He was pissed for going behind his back, asking Scott to discuss things with him.

“It’s not like that, he doesn’t think you’re weak” I pleaded. “We want you to get better.” Couldn’t he see I just wanted to help? Only instead it came off as me betraying him, talking to somebody else about his personal problems.

He shut me out. I couldn’t be trusted after that and became the enemy. I was at a loss.

How had my life spun around so quickly? It was tragic losing Jake, and I knew it hit Austin hard, but I had no idea it would sink our marriage. We were still newlyweds, and now this. I was angry, hurt, and frustrated. Where was my happily ever after? This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. My husband was barely talking to me, and I didn’t know how to fix things.

Austin was set to start school the following month, and suddenly was losing interest in changing his future. The idea of going to school daily overwhelmed him, and while he wanted to start a new career, he could barely drag himself out of bed each morning.

We needed him to build a career. My job wouldn’t carry us alone. Sure, I made money, but it was a dead end job that wouldn’t advance enough over the years. And what about starting a family? I was going to stay home and raise our child. Now I didn’t know if there would be a child, and the idea of him bailing on school terrified me. What would our future be like?

Austin spent the day in front of the television with a six pack, and when I got home from work, he avoided me, heading to bed. It was a cycle that felt unending. This wasn’t the man I married, and prayed it was a phase that would play itself out. I needed him to start school – and he was still hanging on the edge, deciding if he’d go or not.

The amount of relief I felt when he decided he’d at least start school was immense. I hoped distraction would make a difference in his life, and pull him out of the funk he was in. I knew he was still struggling internally, but he wouldn’t share that with me, so it was a big step for him to start school.

He was engaged in learning, and for a while it seemed like he was enjoying himself. I saw him pull from his shell, and his excitement over the future was growing again. I’d missed him tremendously, and once again he was opening up to me.

I thought it was behind us, thought whatever it was had left. He was healing, and the depression appeared to have lifted.

We planned a romantic night out, a celebration of our marriage, surviving the hurdle that was thrown in our path. For a moment in time, I had my husband back, and Austin genuinely seemed like himself.

Choosing a small Italian restaurant that was off the beaten path, we smiled and smoldered over a bottle of wine and amazing food. It felt like old times, looking into my husband’s eyes, the warmth was back, and I knew we were meant to be together. We had amazing chemistry, and truly loved one another.

We’d weathered the storm, or so I thought, and the worst was behind us. I didn’t know it was festering, growing silently like a cancer and would reappear at a later time. As far as we were concerned, it was over, he’d waited it out, and his mind had healed. Foolish, maybe naïve of me to believe it would just go away, but for the time being, things felt back to normal.