Altar Ego (16 page)

The smell of petrol fills my nostrils and I am aware of sirens in the distance. I try to move but my legs feel so heavy. Like lead weights.

My hand does too. It feels weighted down by something.

I look down and see Dominic’s hand clasping onto mine tightly but I can’t focus enough to see him.

My vision is blurred and I’m aware of wetness. I start to panic as I realise its blood, dripping onto our hands like a leaky tap.

I rest my head back on the headrest and blink in an attempt to adjust my eyesight.

I can see a man outside of the car. He is running towards us.

He is screaming something, his mouth open and his face contorted but I can’t hear him.

Everything is fading away slowly.

I try to lift my arm to open the door but I am too weak.

I just want to sleep.

“YOU HAVE TO GET OUT!” The door opens and my seatbelt is released.

“Dominic.” I murmur.

“YOU FIRST.”

He is shouting and I don’t understand why.

I feel him slide his arm around me and I want to fight. I want to tell him to get off me. But I can’t. I’m at his mercy.

I feel myself fall and I close my eyes.

I’m moving now, the hard ground grazing my skin as I’m dragged along. But I feel no pain.

Just let me sleep.

I hear the shouting all around me.

“GET HIM OUT.”

“IT’S BURNING! HURRY UP!”

Who are they talking about?

What’s burning?

I let myself drift.

It’s quiet now.

No more shouting.

No more sirens.

Just silence.

Just calm.

Let me sleep.

*****

There is beeping.

The light is so bright. I flutter my eyelids as I try to open my eyes but it hurts.

“She is awake.” I don’t recognise the voice.

I feel someone’s hand on mine but it isn’t right. It feels strange...alien.

“Elise.” The voice is soft and gentle.

I open my eyes slowly and look to my side.

“I have called the nurse.” The voice continues as his face slowly comes into focus. “How are you feeling?”

“Dominic?” I ask. “Where is he?”

Adam looks at me. There is pity in his eyes.

“He’s gone Elise.” He says.

I snatch my hand away from him and turn away. The tears stream from my eyes and I sob loudly.

“Get out.” I say to nobody in particular.

“GET OUT!” I scream.

I feel the tightness in my chest and convince myself that my heart is actually breaking. He can’t be gone. He can’t be.

I curl myself up into a ball, ignoring the wires and drips around me and cry uncontrollably until I drift back into sleep.

When I wake up properly there is a nurse fiddling with a monitor at the side of the bed. She gives me a sympathetic look as she fusses round me, helping me into a sitting position and plumping my pillows behind me. She holds a glass of water in front of me and encourages me to take a sip.

“Come on sweetheart. Just a little and then we can start to take these lines out.” She nods towards the canulas in my hand and smiles as I let her tip the glass to my mouth.

“That man? He was here...” I mutter.

“You husband?” She moves around the bed. “He has gone for some lunch, he won’t be long.” She moves towards the door.

“No...No...You don’t understand...” I start to say.

“He hasn’t left your side since you were brought in.” She continues.

“No...I don’t want him here...” I try again to tell her.

“Just rest now.” She calls over her shoulder as she leaves the room.

I am left alone, frustrated and furious with Adam for letting them think we were still married. I pull myself up and search the side table for any of my personal belongings. There is nothing. No purse or phone. I am completely alone. I bite my lip as the tears pool in my eyes. I can’t believe that Dominic is gone. I was so angry with him and now....Now I will never see him again. He showed me how to love life, and now, all because of a stupid row he has lost his. I am brought out of my moment when a doctor bustles in to the room.

“Well hello there. It’s good to see you awake.” He smiles at me. He is older with dustings of grey peppering his dark hair and deep brown eyes which crinkle at the corners when he smiles.  “How are you feeling?”

He perches on the edge of my bed and assesses me as he chats. He shines a torch across my eyes, holds up his fingers and asks how many...all the usual stuff.

“You had a bump on the head so we popped you off to sleep for a few days to help the swelling go down, but all is well.”  He pats my hand sympathetically. “Your leg will take a little longer to heal but you will be back on your feet in 12 weeks or so.”

“My leg?” I scrabble around trying to lift the sheets.

“Don’t go into a panic. Your ankle was broken in several places. From what we can gather you were trapped in the car, and had to be pulled free.” He picked up my notes as he continued. “You have had quite a bit of metalwork put in there but it’s all good.”

“The accident. I was with someone...” I was desperate to find out what had happened.

“Your husband has all the information you need.” He told me. He patted my hand again as the door opened. “Ah...talk of the devil.” He stood up as Adam entered the room. “I will leave you to it.”

I dropped my head back on to the pillows and closed my eyes. Adam was the last person I wanted to see.

The doctor and Adam chatted quietly while I ignored them. The door closed again and I sensed Adam sit down beside me.

“That’s good news.” He was far too cheery for my liking. “The Doctor has said you can come home tomorrow as long as you manage to eat something today.” He carried on chatting, not giving me the chance to respond even if I wanted to. “Daniel has moved out of his room so you can stay in there while you get back on your feet.”

I snapped my eyes open and looked at him with disbelief.

“I’m not going home with you Adam.” I told him. There was no way I was leaving this hospital with him.

“You can’t stay in the flat by yourself.” He told me.

“Then I will stay with Max.” I retorted. “Speaking of Max. I want to talk to him, where is my phone?”

I glared at him. He was fidgeting, wringing his hands again and you could practically see the beads of sweat collecting on his forehead.

“You didn’t have anything with you when they brought you in.” He said. “I can get you a phone if you would like?” He was being sickeningly pleasant and all I wanted to do was scream at him. I knew it wasn’t his fault but I couldn’t be happy when he was sat next to me and the man I really wanted had gone.

“It doesn’t matter...just go.”   I turned away from him. “I don’t want you here.”

I closed my eyes again in the hope that he would leave.

He did, and when I woke again Ellie was sat holding my hand. She had her head on the bed and her hair fanned out across my arm. She looked so young. I gave her hand a little squeeze and she jumped up.

“Mum!” She grabbed me in a bear hug. “You don’t know how happy I am to see you.”

“And me you sweetheart.” I kissed her head. “Now...do me a favour....call Uncle Max and tell him to come and get me.”

She moved away from me and sat back down in the chair beside the bed.  She pulled out her phone and pressed the numbers all while still holding on to my hand. I smiled as the call connected and her only words were...

“She is awake...and you have been summoned!”

She put her phone down and grinned at me.

We spent the next 30 minutes or so chatting, and I even managed a little dinner when the auxiliary nurse brought my tray in. I persuaded them to bring me some crutches and even went to the toilet by myself. I was just heading back to the chair when the door burst open and my gorgeous best friend strode into the room.

“Well thank fuck for that!” He declared. “That ex husband of yours has been keeping vigil while you slept and wouldn’t let anyone get near.”

I lowered myself onto the chair as he just stood there grinning.

“It’s so fucking good to see you Princess.”

“It’s good to see you too Max.” A tear slipped on to my cheek. Now that I had Max and Ellie here I could truly be myself. “I can’t believe he isn’t here.” I whispered.

“I know Princess. I know.” Max comforted me. “We will get you through this I promise.”

“I know.” I told him. I couldn’t cope with anyone feeling sorry for me, not just now. For now, I just wanted to get out of this place before Adam came back. “Now...get that nurse in here with some discharge papers and take me home.” I forced a smile.

“That’s my girl.” Max said with a wink. 

He left the room and I gestured for Ellie to pass me the bag that Max had brought in. He was a star and I opened it to find a maxi dress and a huge cardigan, along with one boot and a huge woolly sock for my foot which was in a cast. He had thought of almost everything. There was a hairbrush and clip, a pot of my favourite moisturiser, a can of body spray and a pair of cotton knickers. By the time he came back in I had managed to get into the dress and Ellie was helping me to put on the cardigan.

“You thought of pretty much everything but you didn’t bring a bra?” I asked him.

“Nah...Your tits are still as perky as they were before you hit middle age.” He chuckled and I swiped at him with one of my crutches.  “It’s good to see you laughing Princess.” He winked again.

The nurse bustled in shortly after, and she wasn’t impressed.

“I can’t recommend that you leave tonight Mrs Bentley.” She looked nervous. “Your husband said...”

“I don’t give a fuck what he said!” I shouted. “And stop calling him my husband!” I trembled with rage.

“Now just calm down...” She started again.

“Don’t tell me to calm down. That man is NOT my husband, and I have no idea what he has been telling you but I am not going to be here when he gets back!” I took a deep breath. “Now...are you going to get those discharge papers for me to sign or shall I come to the fucking desk myself?”

She tutted and with a roll of her eyes she stormed out of the room. Nobody spoke. Max and Ellie just stared at me, neither one of them knowing how to react to my temper tantrum.

“I’m sorry Ellie.” My eyes met hers. “But your dad is an arse and I cannot still be here when he gets back.”

She nodded in agreement as the nurse burst back through the door and slammed the papers down on the bed. It appeared that my having a go had caused her to lose sight of her professionalism. I scrawled my name on the papers and hobbled past her on my crutches, Max and Ellie following behind.

As we exited the hospital I paused and took in a lungful of the cold air outside.

“It smells like Christmas.” I said quietly.

“It is Mum. Well almost anyway. Let’s get you home.”  Ellie placed her hand at my elbow and led me a little way across the car park to Max’ car.

The drive was uncomfortable to say the least and I was relieved when we pulled up at the house. I could see the Christmas lights twinkling through the window. Max always had a massive tree in the bay window. His lounge looked amazing at Christmas, and I choked back the tears as thoughts of the decorations Dominic and I had planned for the apartment sneaked into my mind.  I had just about lifted myself out of the car and Ellie was handing me the crutches as Max came round the side of the car and scooped me up off my feet and into his arms.

“The steps are icy Princess. I’ve got you.” 

I leaned into him as he carried me up the steps and the door opened ready for us. I was carried through the hallway and deposited safely onto the sofa. Max stepped back and his partner Ian took his place at my side.

“I’m so pleased you are home Elise, we were ever so worried about you.” He smiled and kissed my forehead before standing up and taking hold of Max’ hand. “Tea?” He wasn’t really asking anyone, I think he just wanted something to do.

“I would love a coffee.” I said with a forced smile. “I have never really done the tea thing.”

“Well that’s terribly ‘un’ English of you Elise.” Ian laughed. “Coffee it is then.”

He moved into the kitchen and Ellie took my bag upstairs. Max hovered around, clearly not wanting to leave me alone for a minute now that he had me home.

“Max.” I called his name gently. “I’m fine...really. Stop worrying....please.”

He sat beside me.

“I thought I had lost you. I don’t know what I would do without you.” He looked at me with glassy eyes. “You scared the shit out of me Elise.”

I took hold of his hand clasping it in mine tightly. It felt good to be back here with him. Of course I would rather be home with Dominic but that wasn’t going to happen. Ever. I opened my mouth to speak and the sob that escaped took even me by surprise. In an instant I was being held tightly as the tears flowed and my heart broke.

“What happened to him Max? I blubbed. “Nobody will tell me anything.”

“I don’t know Princess.” He sighed. “I really don’t know.” He rubbed my back as I shook, my body racked with sobs. “I tried to find out, but you had no mobile, purse or anything. There is nobody at the apartment and I can’t get to the club without an invite. I have tried really I have.” He moved back a little and tilted my chin upwards. “All I know is that he never came into the hospital as a patient. Adam was there from the minute you were brought in and he wouldn’t tell me anything.”

I looked into his eyes. He looked as broken as I felt.

“I have never felt pain like this Max. He promised me. He promised that he wouldn’t leave me.”  The tears were still falling, my head hurt and I just wanted to curl up in a ball.

“Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry.” Max spoke softly as he stroked my hair and attempted to calm me. “Let’s get you into bed and try to get some sleep.”

After a restless few hours trying to get my damn leg comfortable and alternating between dreams of times Dominic and I had together and nightmares where I was watching them lower his body into the ground, I did eventually manage to get some sleep.