Always and Forever (15 page)

“Yeah, that’d be great.” Matt passed him the phone. “Thanks.” They could have just tried for a selfie, and he wasn’t one to volunteer to have his photo taken usually, but he wanted some memories of this trip so Lisa could stick them on the fridge with all their other pics.

“Come here,” he said, dropping down beside her again and slinging an arm around her shoulders. Lisa looked up at him and smiled, staring into his eyes before they both turned to the stranger holding Matt’s phone.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” The guy laughed. “And I was kinda hoping you might be able to do the same for us if we can wrangle our kids.”

Matt slipped his phone into his pocket and held out his hand. “They say never to work with children or animals, but I’ll give it a go. Lisa, come help.”

Lisa gave him a puzzled look. “What are we doing?”

“Reciprocating. You can get the kids looking at us, I’ll take the photos. These guys want a family shot.”

“Oh, hey!” Lisa said when a little boy and girl came whizzing toward them, only just stopping before they crashed straight into their legs.

“Sorry! Just a sec.”

Their dad was trying to catch them and their mom looked embarrassed. Matt knew it was crazy, especially when the kids were clearly acting out, but it only reminded him of what he’d wanted with Lisa. What they’d lost. Anger swelled inside him, made his skin hot, but he forced it down just like he always did. Him losing the plot wasn’t going to help anyone, least of all himself. He thought of what she’d been through and what made her so damn angry and sad all the time.

“Quick kids, come on!” the mom called out, sitting down by the tree and beckoning them over.

Matt glanced at Lisa, saw she was watching the children as they raced into their mom’s arms and almost knocked her back against the tree. The dad sat down, they all looked up, and Matt quickly took a few shots before they were off again. He knew it was hard for Lisa, hated that seeing a happy family might knock her back when they’d been having fun together all morning.

“You’ve sure got your hands full there,” he said.

“Tell me about it,” the dad moaned. “Thanks,” he said when Matt passed him his phone back.

The woman was pretty, her hair tied back in a ponytail. She smiled broadly and held out her hand to Lisa.

“I’m Kate,” she said. “It means a lot to us to actually have a family shot. It’s usually only one of us with the kids.”

Lisa introduced herself and then gestured to her husband. “And this is Matt.”

“Pete,” the man said.

They all shook hands.

“So do you two have any kids?” Kate asked. “Or is that a stupid question given that you’re here at lunchtime, just the two of you?”

Matt hesitated, wasn’t sure what to say. He knew Lisa hated people looking at her and thinking she didn’t want a family, that she had no interest in being a mom. He doubted anyone actually thought that, but it was one of the few things she’d been sensitive about since they’d gone through all the IVF treatments. And now she was being questioned after losing her baby. He was ready to jump in but she answered.

“We would love a family one day,” Lisa said in a deeper voice than usual that told him how hard it was for her saying the words. “We’ve tried so hard, but it just hasn’t happened for us.”

The other woman reached for Lisa, placed her hand over hers. “We tried for years before these two came along, had a miscarriage in between, too. It’s so painful at the time, but it’s worth the heartache when it finally happens.”

“We lost a little one too, at around four months.”

Matt saw tears in Lisa’s eyes as she spoke and wished he could take her pain, but the truth was he felt it, too. It wasn’t like he’d ever talked about it with the guys, got it off his chest, but there wasn’t a day that went by when he didn’t look at their little black and white ultrasound photo. Not a day when he didn’t think about the boy they’d lost, what he would have looked like, talked like, cried like, smelt like. Hell, it woke him in the night thinking of the decision they’d made, the fact that he’d told his wife to do it, chosen her so easily over their unborn child. Matt swallowed, hard. He’d never said the words to her, never been able to get it out. Instead, he’d buried it, drinking when his thoughts became too dark, drowning his sorrows instead of showing the hurt.

“Your little one’s with God, that’s what we believe,” Kate said, still holding Lisa’s hand.

Matt suddenly didn’t want to be having this conversation with strangers, and he could see that Lisa was treading water. Or maybe she was about to drown. “It was great meeting you guys,” he said, “but my wife stole my breakfast so I need to go grab something else before all the good stuff sells out.”

“Thanks,” Lisa mumbled as he dragged her away.

“No problem.”

“I just . . . I don’t know,” she said, when they were out of earshot. “I guess I thought I was okay talking about it to a stranger, that I was ready to admit it. Guess not.”

“Want more to eat?” Matt asked, happy to move on and not discuss their lack of children with anyone else ever again.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

Tomorrow they were heading for Napa, and he hoped that the surprise he’d planned took them back to a happy place, before cancer and terminations and IVF. And then maybe he could bring up the whole adoption thing again. If he could just make her see how many babies there were out there that she could love, give her what she wanted, he was convinced it would make everything okay.

15.

M
att wound the window down and pushed his elbow out to rest it on the door frame. He drummed his fingers across the car to the beat of the music.

“How much longer do we have to go?” Lisa asked.

He smiled over at her. “Sick of being stuck in a small place with me already?”

She smiled back over at him and he hoped it meant no. She was clearly trying to be upbeat, but it was obvious the encounter in the market had knocked her.

“Maybe another twenty minutes. It’s not far,” he told her. He couldn’t wait to get to Napa Valley; she might not like surprises but he was sure she was going to love this.

The rest of the drive passed quickly and soon they were there, rows of grapes growing in picturesque vines welcoming them to the valley. Matt rolled his shoulders back, pleased the drive hadn’t taken long. They’d talked about coming back for some time, and it felt good seeing the place again. It brought back memories of good times, and he was hoping like hell it would help Lisa, especially since she’d been so quiet since the market. She hadn’t even wanted to go to the drive-in after being so excited about it the day before.

Matt pulled off the road, taking the turn that he knew Lisa would recognize.

“Matt, this is where we got married,” she blurted loudly.

“Oh, yeah. So it is.” He knew his mock innocence wasn’t fooling her when she spun in her seat to stare at him, grabbing his arm.

“Are we staying there?” she asked, her tone uncertain.

“Yeah, actually, we are,” he said, taking a hand off the wheel to reach for her. “Happy?”

“But, isn’t it too expensive or, I mean . . .” her voice trailed off and he saw she was staring out the window now.

“It’s not too expensive and we are staying,” he told her, finishing her sentence for her. “I booked it as soon as you said yes to the road trip.”

“Matt, we can’t.”

He wasn’t sure why she was so hesitant, whether it was actually just the money or something else. “Don’t go shooting down the one seriously romantic thing I’ve done for you in a decade.”

He listened to her sigh. “I’m sorry—it’s just I wasn’t expecting it. It’s brought back a lot of memories.”

“And that’s a bad thing?” he asked. He wasn’t sure what she wanted these days, what she meant half the time. He’d expected her to be over the moon that they were staying in the same place.

Lisa finally took his hand and squeezed it. “I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”

“When I told you Napa was going to be amazing, I meant it. We can pretend we’re honeymooners again.”

Lisa nodded but he was left with an uneasy feeling. If he hadn’t done the right thing now, he doubted he’d ever be able to.

“Thanks, Matt. I’m sorry I wasn’t more excited.”

“You’re worth it,” he said. “Every damn thing I do for you is worth it.” The huskiness of his tone, the gruffness of his words, surprised him. But he was speaking the truth. He might not know how to show it sometimes, but he loved Lisa, and all he wanted was to make her happy.

Lisa’s phone rang and he sped up a little when she pulled away to answer it, keen to get to their accommodation.

“Hey, Kelly,” he listened to her say. He was pleased Kelly had just phoned Lisa this time—he didn’t like being the middle man between them.

Lisa and Kelly had always been so close, but Lisa had been closed off from everyone lately, her sister included.

“We’re in Napa Valley. Matt’s booked us into the same place we got married.”

Matt smiled as he listened, enjoying the upbeat tone of her voice.

“How’s Blue? Everything okay? I wish he was with us.”

There was a long silence and Matt glanced over at Lisa. He hoped everything
was
okay.

“Well, tell the girls that they can share him with us. Maybe he could do weekends.”

Matt relaxed. He’d thought something might have happened or that the dog was being too much of a handful for Lisa’s sister. He tuned her out while she spoke to Kelly, focusing on the scenery and loving how green everything was. He’d often imagined them having some land, being away from everything when they raised a family of their own, and driving through the countryside reminded him of those dreams. Then again, he loved their house, and given the hours he’d put into remodeling it, the last thing he really wanted to do was move. Plus, he didn’t think he could convince Lisa to trade pretty clothes for mud and animals.

“You’re going to laugh at this,” Lisa said, interrupting his thoughts as he turned into the entrance.

Her easygoing voice made him smile. “The girls won’t give Blue back?” he asked with a chuckle.

“Even funnier. They’ve worked out a shared custody arrangement!” She burst out laughing as she told him. “Apparently one of Eve’s friends has parents going through a divorce, and her friend was telling her what custody means and what nights she’ll be spending with her dad. So Eve and Zoe decided to draw up a plan on paper to show us what days they want Blue and what days we’re allowed him back.”

“So in other words, if we want our dog back, we have to buy them a puppy of their own?” he suggested.

“I don’t think we’d need a dog if we both did that because we’d be dead. My sister would kill us.”

Matt slowed down and smiled over at Lisa. “We’re here,” Matt said, stopping the car.

Lisa went silent again and he suddenly wished he’d driven even slower so he could enjoy her being happy for a bit longer. He opened his door and got out to stretch his legs before moving around to open Lisa’s door, holding out his hand.

“I can’t believe we’ve come back,” she whispered to him, and he folded an arm around her when she stood, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

“Believe it,” he said.

“We had some of our photographs taken over there. I remember how big Kelly’s stomach was because it was so soon to her due date, and she was trying to disguise it by turning into that row of grapes.”

Matt smiled at the memory. “It was a great day.”

Lisa turned into his arms, eyes searching out his. “I don’t know if I can do this.” Tears filled her eyes and he had no idea why.

“I wish I could help you, but I don’t even know what’s wrong.”

She shook her head and looked away, and in that moment he felt like he’d lost her again. Like a wall had gone up between them that no amount of chipping away could break.

“Me too,” she murmured. “I wish I knew how to fix me, too.”

“Lis, I know you keep getting angry every time I bring this up, but if you really want a baby, if you want to be a mom—”

“Don’t,” she whispered. “Why can’t you get that I want
our
baby? A baby of our own?”

He steeled his jaw. He got it, because he wanted it too. But that wasn’t going to happen, so why the hell couldn’t she consider another path?

Lisa sat and looked up at the bright blue sky, thinking how blissfully perfect it seemed. Everything about where they were right now was perfect; there was just no other way to describe it. The sun was shining, birds were singing, there was a faraway hum of a harvester or something working nearby, and the breeze was gentle. So why couldn’t she just focus on all those beautiful things? Why did she have to keep thinking about what they didn’t have? What was wrong with her?

Matt was off running, and it was nice to have some time without him. They’d had some lovely moments together, but the thoughts inside her head drove her half crazy sometimes, and those moments made it hard to be upbeat all the time. She just wanted to sit, and she sure as hell didn’t want to take a walk down memory lane like he wanted to. Because being here reminded her of the dreams they’d had, the things they’d planned for the future. Things she was never going to have, no matter how badly she wanted them.

But the problem was that she didn’t want to be alone; she just didn’t want to be with Matt right now. They’d always been so easy with one another, but now he was suffocating her again.

Lisa reached for her phone, needing to talk to someone. Her sisters were always good at talking her down from any ledge she needed rescuing from, and that was exactly how she felt. Instead of calling Kelly, she decided to phone Penny. Her big sister already had Lisa’s dog to contend with twenty-four-seven; she didn’t need Lisa to deal with too.

It rang for what seemed like forever, and just when Lisa was expecting the voicemail to kick in, her sister answered.

“Hey!” Penny panted, sounding breathless. “I’m so sorry I haven’t called!”

Lisa smiled. Her sister always talked a million miles an hour and hearing her voice was exactly what she’d needed.

“It’s fine. We’ve been having fun driving so it’s no big deal.”

“Hey, as much as I want to talk, can I call you later? I’m just running in to see a customer, and I have my arms full of crap and . . .”

Lisa tried not to be disappointed. Her sister was busy and she got it. “Of course! No hurry.”

“You’re okay, though, right? I mean, as okay as you can be considering everything.”

Lisa clutched the phone tighter. “Yeah, I’m okay. It’s weird, though. I feel like I’m looking down on my body, kinda numb all the time.”

“You could always try getting stoned.”

Lisa laughed. “Only you could make me laugh when I’m feeling like shit.”

“Hey, I haven’t done it since high school, but if it took your mind off things, I’d happily take a walk down memory lane with you.”

“You don’t have to break the law to make me happy. I’ll be fine, honestly.” She knew her sister was only kidding. They hadn’t exactly been pot-heads when they were in school.

Lisa said goodbye to her, still smiling at her younger sister’s words. She was too cute.

She dialed Kelly after all, wanting to keep the happy vibe going, to stop herself sinking back into her own thoughts.

“Hey!”

Both her sisters were bright and easy to talk to, but the fact that Kelly picked up so fast told her that Penny had probably already texted her and told her she needed cheering up. She’d probably have her mom calling soon to talk to her, and for some reason Lisa found it a whole lot harder to hold it together when it came to her mom. Maybe because she knew her mom could see through any cracks, no matter how well she thought she’d patched them up.

“How are the girls? And Blue?” Lisa asked.

“Great and great,” Kelly said. “I’m just getting the kids an after-school snack ready, so I’ll put you on speaker.”

Lisa could imagine the scene, could see Blue sitting at Kelly’s feet, tail thumping as he drooled over whatever food she was fixing. His tongue would be lolled out to the side, blue eyes bright, ready to catch any morsel that dropped before it even touched the ground. Her sister would be putting home baking or sandwiches or something else yummy in little containers, ready for the girls to eat in the back of the car after she collected them from school so they had something to fill them up before swimming or dancing or whatever activity they had to get to.

“So, anything to report?” Lisa asked, sitting back with her phone to her ear, eyes shut as the sun beat down on her. “Any gossip?”

“No. We’re just doing the same old here. You? Is Napa beautiful as ever?”

“Did you know that he was bringing me here? To the same place we got married?” Lisa sighed. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

“Matt was so excited about taking you back, and I thought he was right, that it would do you good to remember those times.”

Lisa listened to Kelly’s sigh and tears filled her eyes. She hated how emotional she’d become. “I don’t know if I want to remember anymore.”

“I can still see you two, holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes. I was always so worried that he’d break your heart, but Matt changed when he met you. It’s been tough on him too, but he loves you. You just need to let him in.”

“I know,” Lisa murmured, not wanting Kelly to hear her tears even though she knew her sister would have guessed already by her voice. “It used to be so easy, but now it’s just . . .” She didn’t know what to say. “I’m not that same woman anymore, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to being her. And he is trying so hard, but I wish we didn’t have to try, you know? Because we’ve never had to before.”

They were the words Lisa had been holding close, not wanting to admit. But it was true. Would she ever be the same again? Would she ever be able to get past what she’d done? What she’d lost?

The phone muffled for a second and then Kelly’s voice was clearer. She must have taken her off speaker.

“I know this is hard, but you’re so lucky to have Matt. Some people spend their lives searching for what you two have, and they never find it. You just need to open up to him and get past this. And where better than Napa?”

“I don’t want Matt,” Lisa whispered. “I just want my baby.” The words cut her in half, made it almost impossible to breathe. She’d said it; she’d finally admitted it. That’s what the dark cloud had been; those were the thoughts she’d been hiding behind. “I blame him.”

“Lisa, they’re dangerous words. I know you want your baby back, but not without Matt. He lost just as much as you did that day, but men deal with these things differently.”