Always and Forever (10 page)

“I hate my father, Jake, I always have. He’s a control
freak and a bully. He treats my mum like she’s nothing and yet he chooses to
idolise me. I know how spoilt I must seem but nobody knows what its like to be
me. No one knows how it feels to be doted on by someone who you despise. He’s
suffocated me my whole life, I’ve always had to abide by his rules and do as he
says. I was in college but he made me leave, I have to do what he wants when he
wants it. He’s in charge of my entire existence and he always will be.” I take
a breath, trying to calm myself. I can’t believe I just blurted all of that out
to him. God knows what Jake will think of me now. He’s probably hoping to get
as far away from me as possible.

When I eventually look up at him my gaze collides with his.
The incredulous and shocked expression on his face causes me to feel even worse
about revealing it all to him. I’m about to say something, wanting to break the
awkward silence but he beats me to it.

“I’m so sorry, Bethany, I had no idea. I thought he was a
little extreme in his preservation of you but I had absolutely no clue about
the type of man you have to live with.” He runs his hand through his hair and I
can see he’s at a loss for what to say.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s probably for the best that you know.
I couldn’t keep it a secret forever.”  I shrug hopelessly.

“I’m glad I know the truth. At least now I can try to help
you. God, I’ll never be comfortable with you going home to him again.”

“He treats my mum badly but I’m the one he worships. I know
how to handle him so he doesn’t treat me poorly. He’s even planned a holiday
for the two of us in a few weeks time. My mum didn’t even get an invite. I’m
dreading the whole thing. I say despairingly.

“But he can’t do that; he can’t force you to go away with
him.” Jake stands up and drags his fingers through his coal-black hair. His
whole posture has changed and I can see that he’s frustrated by what I’ve told
him.

“He doesn’t care about things like that, Jake. If he wants
me to something then I do it. It’s as simple as that.”

“Is he blind? He can’t see the fact that you can’t stand
him?”

“Over the years I’ve become pretty convincing. I learnt a
long time ago not to disobey him.” I close my eyes in dismay. I can’t believe I
just said that. Now he’s going to demand another explanation from me, one which
I can’t bear to give.

“What happened?” His jaw is clenched in anger and his voice
sounds low and threatening.

“It was a long time ago, its not important now.”

“Bethany, tell me what happened?” He crouches down before
me and touches my chin with his fingertip. I’ve never witnessed so much concern
for me and I have to admit that it is flattering. I know that talking about
this will make me uncomfortable and I’m reluctant to do it. I bite down on my
lower lip, trying a diversionary tactic and hoping to distract him. It works.
His gaze drops down to my mouth but he shakes his head, forcing himself to
focus.

“What did he do?” His voice changes, becoming gentle and I
find myself wanting to confide in him. Nobody besides my mum knows about this
and it might help to finally divulge what happened to someone who cares.

“It really was a long time ago. I was only fourteen and a
boy from school had asked me to go to the cinema with him.” I pause, mentally
preparing myself to go on. After all of this time that memory still fills me
with dread.

“Go on, it’s ok.” Jake whispers softly.

“It wasn’t really a date or anything but you can imagine
how significant it felt to a fourteen year old girl. I told my mum about it,
hoping that I’d be able to go. I was so naïve. My mum was more realistic, she
knew that my father would never allow it but she was far more brave back then.
She knew how important it was for me to have some sort of social life and so we
both agreed that I would go to the cinema and we wouldn’t tell him. He’s never
spent his Friday nights at home and so we arranged that I would go out then and
I planned on making sure I’d be back before he came home. I guess you’ve
already figured out that on the evening I was supposed to be going out he came
home early. He’d only been gone half an hour and he was back. I was in my
bedroom getting changed when I heard him come home. I remember I had on a denim
skirt and a small white T-shirt. I was so excited; I’d never had that much
freedom before.”

Jake’s hand reaches out and takes a hold of mine. There’s such
warmth and tenderness in his caress, it enables me to feel strong enough to
tell him everything about that night.

“Tell me.” He urges.

“I don’t know why he arrived back so early but he burst
into my bedroom without knocking and caught me standing in front of the mirror.
He continued to stare at me in astonishment for the longest time; it was though
he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. He looked me up and down in
disgust and he started shouting at me. He demanded that I tell him where I was going.
He called me a slut, a whore and a prostitute. I was fourteen years old and I
looked nothing like the things he called me. I still remember the venom in his
voice when he verbally abused me.” I stop talking when I notice that Jake’s
breathing has become erratic and unsteady. His jaw is tight unyielding, his
hands are balled up into fists, his knuckles are white.

“Go on.” He says through clenched teeth.

I swallow nervously but continue.

“My mum came rushing up the stairs when she heard him yelling
at me. He was furious with her for deceiving him. He forced us to tell him
everything and so we had to come clean. Mum tried to calm him down and said
that not letting me go was a justifiable punishment for us lying to him. I
thought that would be his decision but what he did next… I didn’t even know he
was capable of.

He made it clear that he didn’t think my not going was a
sufficient enough punishment for deceiving him. He said that if I wanted to
disobey him and dress like a prostitute then I would. He was so fast, I
couldn’t stop him. He violently yanked my skirt from me, he actually pinned me
down on the floor to rip it from my body. He took it with him when he went into
the kitchen; he got a large pair of scissors and cut about four inches off its
length.

He then returned to the bedroom and threw it at me; he told
me I had to wear it. The most degrading and humiliating moment was when he
found an old lipstick of my mum’s and he actually wrote the word ‘whore’ right
across the chest of my white T-shirt in bold red letters. He made me go to the
cinema as I had planned that night. He dragged me kicking and screaming into
the car and then locked me in it as he drove me into town. I remember my mum
pleading with him not do it, she even got down on her knees and begged him to
change his mind.

He drove me to the cinema, pulled me out of the car by my
hair and abandoned me. He left me in the middle of town with no money, no phone
and no means of getting back home. The boy I had arranged to meet was so embarrassed
by my appearance that he quickly made his excuses and left. I had to walk all
the way home in the dark.

I was absolutely petrified, I was a fourteen year old girl
and I was forced to walk the streets alone with a cut up skirt and a vandalised
T-shirt. I wanted to turn my top inside out but I had nowhere to change. Every
single car that drove past me saw that vile and disgusting word painted on my
clothing and all I could think to do was walk on.

I prayed that I would make it home safely but then a
conflicting part of me never wanted to make it home at all. When I got back he
was out and I found my mum sobbing on the floor. She begged me for my
forgiveness but as far as I was concerned she had nothing to be sorry for. He
was the one who had hurt me. I didn’t blame her; she was as much of a victim as
I was that night.” I exhale loudly; I now feel utterly drained and exhausted
from having to relive that terrible memory.

I had become so absorbed in my remembrance of the past; I
didn’t even notice that Jake is no longer crouched down in front of me. He’s on
his feet and pacing back and forth. His mannerisms resemble that of a wild and
untamed lion that has been captured and forced into a cage. I half expect him
to turn around and attack the next person who makes the mistake of trying to
approach him.

He’s turned away from me so I cannot see the expression on
his face but I can clearly see that his shoulders are tense and his fists still
remain clenched.

For one horrible moment I start to worry that he’s
disgusted with me and that he’s going to walk way. I once again experience all
of the humiliation that I was forced to endure all those years ago. I don’t
want to sit here and wait for him to comfort me out of pity. I deserve better
than that.

I silently begin to walk away from him. I don’t know why I
choose to leave but I instantly knew I’d made a mistake, I never should have
told him anything. I’ve only gone five steps in the opposite direction when I
hear Jake’s voice calling me back.

“Bethany, wait! Please don’t go!” I hear his footsteps
pound heavily on the ground behind me, he’s in front of me in an instant,
walking backwards so he can keep stride and face me at the same time.  

“I have to go.” I protest weakly, trying to walk past him.

“Please wait, don’t leave like this.” He grabs my arm,
turning me around so we’re face to face.

“I saw how disgusted you were, Jake. Why should I stay?”

“You’re right, I was disgusted by what you told me but not
with you. I was sick with the thought of knowing what he had done to you, what
he put you through. I was angry. I was so furious that I had to turn away from
you because I don’t want you to see me like that. I don’t want you to see that
side of me. I don’t blame you at all for what happened, not for a single moment
did I think that any of it was your fault. Please believe me.” He beseeches me
to believe him and his desperate countenance inclines me to do so.

 “You don’t blame me at all?” I ask him, seeking his
absolute reassurance.

“Blame you for what? You did nothing wrong. Bethany, you
have to believe that.”

I’ve always known that what my father did that night was
all about him, his own insecurities and his own fears about losing me. His
desperate and cruel attempt to try and control me again worked. I haven’t
disobeyed him since that night. Well, until now. That’s why I can’t even bring
myself to think about what the consequences would be if he found out I was
meeting Jake.

“I know it’s true. I just wanted to hear you say it.” I
admit, smiling weakly.

“You have no idea how I panicked when I saw you walking
away from me. I thought my reaction had ruined everything.”

“That was immature of me. I just couldn’t bear to witness
the revulsion on your face.”

“That repulsion was meant for him not you.”

We continue to gaze at one another in silence and I
regretfully realise it’s time to go.

“I need to head back. My mum thinks I’m visiting my gran.
It’s the only excuse I could think of to be able to see you again. It was
actually my gran’s idea; I’ve now got a valid reason for leaving the house
every Friday night.”

“Wow, that’s really generous, I really should thank her.”

I smile; the idea of Jake one day meeting my gran is such a
lovely thought. I just know she would really like him.

Jake insists on walking me the majority of the way home,
although he now accepts that he can’t walk me to the front door like he would
prefer.

“Listen, you’ve now got the phone I gave you so if you ever
need to get in contact with me, don’t even hesitate. I’m always here for you,
ok? Don’t even think twice about calling me if you need to.”

“I can’t thank you enough for the phone, Jake.”

“I’m so glad I brought it with me tonight. I feel a little
better knowing that you can contact me.”

“Me too.”

“I’m sorry but I’ve got to ask, has he always been such a
fucking psycho?”

I stop, shocked by his choice of words.

“Where did that come from?” I ask.

“God, I’m sorry. Bethany, I didn’t mean it come out like
that but your silence is making me even more reluctant and terrified about
sending you back to him.” He sighs unhappily and takes a step closer towards
me, brushing a stray bit of hair out of my eyes.

“Jake…”

“I just care about you and I want you to be alright, I have
to know that you’re safe.”