Always and Forever (8 page)

“Maybe we should keep on walking.” I say, changing the
subject.

Wow, I really am a coward.

We walk on in silence for a while and I realise that the
further we walk away from where we met, the longer it will take me to get back
home.

“I have to get going soon, Jake.”

“Already?”

“Yeah, I promised my mum that I wouldn’t be long.”

“What about your dad? He doesn’t mind you going out alone?”

“That’s the thing, he doesn’t know. The only night he goes
out during the week is Friday. That’s why I could make it tonight.”

Jake stops walking and gently takes hold of my wrist when I
refuse to quit moving.

“Wait a minute, you mean that you wouldn’t even be allowed
out if it were up to him?” He moves a fraction closer towards me.

“He’s overprotective, he always has been.” I hate the fact
that it looks like I’m sticking up for my father but I really can’t reveal
anything to Jake just yet. I don’t feel ready and I don’t want to scare him
away.

“I understand any man being protective over you but to the
extent that he won’t allow you to go out, that’s fucked up.”

It actually feels good to hear Jake voice his concerns like
this. For years I’ve been doubting myself, wondering if my hatred towards my
father has been self-inflicted and more about myself than anything he’s done to
me.

“Jake, you need to understand something. It took me all
week just to convince my mum to allow me to leave the house this evening. I
told her that I’m meeting up with an old friend from school. She doesn’t know
anything about you and if I want to see you again then she never will. I just
don’t see how this is going to work.” I sigh, feeling desolate and sad.

He exhales slowly and stays quiet for some time.

“Ok, I can be selfless here and say that I understand. I
could say that I don’t want to cause any problems within your family and that I
don’t want to be the reason for you lying to them about where you’re going but
I’m not going to be that person. I want to see you again, I’ve thought about
you every single day since last week and I know that all of this might seem a
little intense; my intention is not to scare you away. God, that’s the
last
thing I want to do but the truth is, I really don’t think I’ll be able to
accept your decision if you choose not to see me again after tonight.” He
remains silent as he waits to hear my response to his confession.

I know it’s my turn to say something and yet I can’t even
begin to find the words. All I can do is continue to stare at him with a look
of astonishment on my face. His spectacular eyes make it even more difficult
for me to formulate anything remotely coherent. They fixate on me with a
penetrating gaze that makes it hard for me to breathe let alone concentrate.

“I… I don’t know what to say.” I mumble pathetically.

Jake throws his arms in the air and begins to pace back and
forth in an agitated manner. I mistakenly believe him to be angry with me and
start to leave, not liking this new side of Jake that I’ve never seen before.

“Bethany, wait!” He yells after me, hurrying to close the
distance between us.

“Why should I? I’ve obviously said something you don’t
like.”

He circles around me until he’s standing in front of me and
subsequently blocking my path.

“No! It’s not that. I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to freak you
out by what I said. I just wanted you to know how I feel. I didn’t plan on
saying anything like that, not yet anyway. It’s just that I panicked when you
started to talk about not being able to see me again. I really don’t want that
to happen.”

“Why?” I ask him obstinately.

“What do you mean?” He frowns, perplexed by my obvious
question.

“Why do you want to see me again? Because I can’t help but
wonder what all of this is about. It just doesn’t add up and I want to know why
you’re so desperate to spend your time with me.”

“Bethany, you can’t be serious when asking me that
question. Have you not seen yourself lately? There’s no man on this earth that
wouldn’t want to spend his time with you and I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m
one of them. I’ve had so much going on lately, things have happened that I
can’t even bring myself to talk about and all I knows is that meeting you last
week made me feel different. It changed things for me and I don’t care how
crazy this sounds, I
need
to see you again. I wish you didn’t have to
lie about where you were going tonight, I don’t want you to have to live with
the constant worry of being caught but if that’s the only way I’m going to be
able to see you then I’m begging you, please do it.” His strong hands grab hold
of my upper arms, his touch is firm but not at all painful and his eyes bore
into mine, imploring me to do this one thing for him. I’m trying to come up
with something to say, anything that would even begin to compare to his
openness and honesty.

His breathing is ragged and I watch in fascination as his
broad chest rises and falls with every laboured breath. My eyes glide up
towards his face and settle on his slightly parted lips. I begin to contemplate
what it would be like to kiss him. I’ve never kissed anybody before and I can
imagine that Jake has kissed plenty of girls. He’ll be far more experienced
than I am.

“Ok.” I say, nodding my head.

 “You won’t regret this, Bethany. I promise you.” He
gently presses his forehead against mine and speaks his words with such
sincerity; I can’t help but believe in him. My trembling continues as he softly
strokes the side of my face with his fingertips.

“Jake, I really have to go now. If I’m not home on time
then I won’t be able to meet you again next week.”

“You mean it? You’ll make sure you’re here next Friday?” He
asks me hopefully.

“Yes.” I smile joyfully, knowing that in my heart there
really was no other decision than to continue to see Jake. I know that if I
were to walk away from him now I’d regret it for the rest of my life. I’m not
sure how I’m going to handle my mum and I’m going to be playing with fire every
single week when I sneak out of the house without my father knowing but
regardless of the dangerous risks I’ll be taking, it’s just something that I
have to do.

“Thank you. I mean it, thank you so much, Bethany. I know
what I’m asking of you and I hate to be the one who’s putting you in this
position.” I’m putting you in this situation.”

“Don’t be sorry, I’m not.” I raise myself up onto my tip
toes, I’m still nowhere near his height but he lowers his head and I place a
small, chaste kiss on his lips.

“How do you expect me to go a whole week without that?” He
says it jokingly but a part of me thinks he’s being serious. At least I know
our first kiss wasn’t too awful for him. I have nothing to compare him to but I
know how fantastic it was. I can’t help but think about how I compared to the
last girl Jake kissed.

I shake my head, wanting to rid myself of such unwanted
thoughts.

He takes a step closer towards me, closing the small gap
between us and my heart begins to beat frantically with anticipation. I
purposefully bite down on my lower lip again; I so badly want to see his
reaction.

I’m not disappointed. His eyes widen and his breathing
quickens as he rests his passionate gaze upon my mouth. The same mouth he was
caressing just moments before. It’s a small, insignificant trait that I’ve
always had and I can scarcely believe that it causes this incredibly attractive
and alluring man to stare at me like that.

“Bethany.” He warns me.

“I have to go or I’ll be late.” My words break him out of
his trance and he shakes his head, trying to regain focus.

“I’m sorry. I’ll walk you home.”

“No, it’s ok.”

“Bethany, you don’t seriously expect me to let you walk
home alone, do you?” I realise its pointless arguing with him and decide to let
it go.

Jake walks me the majority of the way home until I force
him to go back. I can’t risk him being anywhere near my house. He’s reluctant
to leave me but when I playfully threaten not to turn up next week he quickly
backs down and agrees to part ways.

I watch him walk away from me and I swear I can actually
feel a magnetic force between us that is urging me towards him. I don’t want to
say goodbye, the time we’ve spent together has been far too short and it feels
like a lifetime when I think about waiting another seven days to experience
this again.

I know I’m falling hard and way too fast but after the
intensity of tonight I’m now disinclined to care. I’ve never enjoyed
rollercoaster’s, they’re frightening and scary. However, I might just find
myself liking the one I’m about to embark on. It could be the best one yet.

Mum rushes into the hall as soon as I close the front door.
I notice the relief on her face when she realises that it’s me and not my
father arriving home early.

“Bethany, thank goodness you’re home.” She says, placing a
hand over her chest.

I smile at her but say nothing. I really don’t have
anything to say, all I want to do is head on upstairs and spend some time alone
with my thoughts. I want to remember and sweetly savour everything about tonight.
I’m going to have to cherish every moment if I have to wait until next Friday
to see him again.

“I’m going straight to bed, Mum. I’m pretty tired.”

“How was Amy?” She asks before I manage to reach the final
step.

 “She’s fine. It was nice to catch up with her again.
We both agreed that we should do it again sometime.” I respond carelessly, as
though it’s no big deal and close the door behind me as soon as I enter my
bedroom.

 I lie awake for a long time that night. My mind won’t
stop thinking about Jake and everything that happened between us this evening.
I start to reminisce about all of the sleepless nights I’ve spent in this room
imagining the life I’d choose for myself if I could. I’m not so naive to be
already contemplating a long term future with Jake but I have to admit that the
excitement and exhilaration I’ve experienced since meeting him has become
addictive. I don’t want to imagine an existence where I don’t feel like this
ever again.

It’s like I’ve been asleep for
all these years and now I’m finally awake. My slumber has come to an end and I
can see things clearly for the first time.

The next morning Mum and I head over to gran’s house. I wish
that I could see her more frequently but unfortunately it’s just not possible.
I think my controlling father thought that if he were to put some distance
between us then our bond would weaken. The truth is it actually did the
opposite; we’re closer than ever because we see so little of one another.

 I’ve already decided to tell gran about Jake when I
see her. Now that I know I’m going to continue seeing him I can’t keep it from
her.

Gran greets us at the door and leads us into the living
room. I take my rightful place by the fire and wait for her to take her seat in
her armchair beside me. Mum’s already in the kitchen making us some coffee. I
know that this is the only chance I have to speak with gran in private.

“Gran, I need to tell you something.” I speak softly and
keep one eye on the door leading through to the kitchen, not wanting mum to
walk in and overhear our conversation.

“I thought you might. You look different, Bethany. I’m not
sure what it is but you’re glowing, something’s made you happy.”

I gape at her in astonishment. She’s always known me better
than anyone but even I’m surprised by the extent of her intuition. It’s as
though she can read my thoughts and I don’t know whether to be amazed or
unnerved.

“Well, I’ve sort of met someone.” I can feel myself
blushing as I start to speak about Jake and remember the passionate kiss we
shared last night.

“I knew it! I knew something had changed. I noticed a
difference in you last week, you look radiant, there’s this natural and joyful
aura surrounding you. Tell me everything, how did you meet him?”

I glance nervously towards the kitchen and hear mum
pottering about. I know that I only have a few moments until we’re interrupted.

“I literally collided with him, Gran.” I say, smirking as I
think about Jake barging right into me.

I tell her everything, how we met and how I saw him again
last night. I also tell her about my plans to see him again next week.

“So your mum believes you met up with your old school
friend Amy last night? And she doesn’t know anything about Jake?” Gran asks.

“That’s right. I can’t wait to see him again, Gran. The
only thing that’s bothering me is being forced to lie to mum. I hate it and I
feel so guilty for doing it even though I realise that I haven’t really got a
choice, not if I want to see him again.” I sigh in exasperation. I still don’t
know if this is going to work. Eventually my mum’s going to question the amount
of time she thinks I’m spending with Amy.

Gran remains quiet and I can tell she’s thinking up
something. We both look up as mum enters the living room whilst balancing the
tea tray. I hurry up to help and take the tray from her, placing it on the
table in front of the sofa.

We all sit together, sipping our coffee in a comfortable
silence. It’s always been this way with us. Mum never has much to say and Gran
and I have plenty. Unfortunately, we can’t talk freely with my mum’s presence
and that’s why I can’t confide in gran as much as I would like. Gran finally
breaks the silence with her clear and determined voice.

“Ellen, I need to tell you something that Bethany and I
have discussed.”

My eyes widen in horror, surely gran’s not going to do this
to me. She can’t tell mum about Jake, she won’t do that to me.

“Ok…” Mum says uncertainly.

“We’ve been talking and we’ve both decided that it’s not
good enough only being allowed to see one another once a week. You know how
close we are and she is my only grandchild.”

 I frown at gran, wondering what the hell she’s doing.
We weren’t discussing anything like she’s telling mum.

“I know it’s not ideal, Mum. I wish I could do something
about it but I can’t, you know how it is.” Mum says wearily.

It’s not like this is the first time we’ve had this
discussion but I know gran’s up to something, she keeps giving me pointed looks
and I know she’s trying to secretly reassure me.

“I know how things are but I’m tired of it. Bethany and I
have decided that from now on she’ll come and visit me on a Friday evening.
I’ll make sure she gets home early so you don’t need to worry, she’ll be back
in plenty of time before he comes home.”

My mouth falls open in amazement. I can’t believe what
she’s just done for me. She’s provided me with a place to be every Friday so I
can continue to keep on seeing Jake. I now have a solid and believable excuse.
It’s perfect.

Mum doesn’t seem to think so and immediately starts to
argue with gran. She tells her that it’s too risky, that my father will find
out and she’ll be blamed for the whole thing.

“If he finds out I’ve lied to him…”

“He
won’t
. He’s out every Friday until late and
Bethany will make it home long before him. I’m getting older and I want to
spend time with my granddaughter whilst I can. Besides, if he ever finds out
you can blame the whole thing on me; tell him that it was my idea.”

Mum continues to fight against it but once gran’s mind is
made up there’s no stopping her. Gran’s always been aware of my father’s
controlling nature and short temper but she doesn’t know the true extent of his
dominatingly cruel behaviour. She doesn’t know what happened six years ago. She
doesn’t know what happened when he came home early that night. The memory of it
is has been carved into my memory and I’m unable to forget it, no matter how
hard I’ve tried. It’s the same with mum, we never talk about it and I know that
she’s probably thinking about it right now. The memory has scarred both of us
forever.

I sometimes wonder if he feels any guilt for what he did.
Whenever I start to contemplate this I remind myself that a man without a soul
doesn’t have a conscience, therefore he can’t experience feelings of repentance
or guilt.

“Mum, please allow this.” I turn to her pleadingly. If she
doesn’t give me her consent then I’m going to have to continue using Amy,
someone I haven’t even seen in years as my alibi every week so I can go and
meet Jake. It’s too risky and I don’t want to put myself in any kind of
position where I might get caught.

“Fine, you can come here later this week. I just hope to
God that your father doesn’t find out. Ever.”

I throw my arms around her,
squeezing her tight. Deep down I know she only wants the best for me and for
this reason I will always love her. She’s my mum and I’ll continue to be there
for her, no matter what.

Later on in the week my father insists on taking me to the
cinema and then out for a meal. The whole thing is tedious and I spend most of
my time counting down the hours until we can go home and I can go to bed. He
talks incessantly about our impending vacation and I have to fake my interest
and enthusiasm throughout our entire meal.

Whilst we’re out together I
start to consider all of the things that Jake might be up to. I can’t imagine
him sitting at home every night day dreaming about me. I take a look at all of
the girls who are dining at the restaurant my father chose. They can’t be that
much older than me and yet they look so sexy and sophisticated. Jake could have
any one of these young women; it doesn’t make sense that he would even
seriously consider someone like me.

The thought of Jake is what
gets me through the dismal days as I patiently wait for Friday to arrive. I’m
sure mum’s noticed the change in me but she’s too afraid and faint-hearted to
ask me anything about it. I wish we had a relationship where we could talk to
one another and be more open. I’ve wanted that for twenty years and nothing’s
changed so I don’t have much hope for anything different now.

 Friday finally arrives and I have to try really,
really hard to stop myself from walking around the house with a great big smile
on my face. I have to remember that as far as my father is concerned nothing
has changed. My life is exactly the same as it’s always been. He’s caught me in
a good mood a couple of times and when questioned about it I’ve put it down to
being excited for our holiday. He believed me and I realised then that I have
to be more careful in concealing my emotions, especially in front of him.

I’m so restless on Friday morning. I don’t work in the
bookstore on Friday’s so I have to contend with hanging around the house all
day. I spend that time feeling anxious and worrying that mum will confront me
about where I’m really going. I’m also terrified that he’ll change his plans
and decide to stay home. If that were to happen then it would be impossible for
me to sneak out and meet Jake. I have no other way to contact him, I don’t even
know his last name and I know that I’d probably never see him again. The
possibility of this is just far too alarming to even think about.

Thank goodness I don’t have to consider such a thing. My
father arrives home from the bookstore in the evening, eats the unappreciated
meal my mum has made for him, showers and then leaves the house. Five minutes
after his departure I start to get ready.

“Bethany, please make sure that you come home early. I know
that going to see your gran isn’t such a big deal but you know what the
consequences will be if your father finds out. Please don’t put either of us in
the position of getting caught.” She wrings her hands together nervously and I
experience another stab of guilt for misleading her and deceiving my mum in
this way. I don’t want to place this burden on her shoulders and if there was
any other way I’d choose it.

“I will, Mum. Try not to worry, I’ll be home soon and I’ll
give your love to gran.” I make sure that I don’t look her in the eyes as I say
this. I’m sure she’ll be able to see through my lies and I don’t want her to
know what a fraud her daughter really is. I turn from her and close the front
door behind me. I breathe a sigh of relief and relish my first intake of
freedom this week. I’ve lied, manipulated and tricked my mum but as soon as I
see Jake I’ll know it was all worth it.

I’m so desperate to see him again; I have to refrain myself
from running all the way there. I spot him as soon as I turn the corner. Just
the sight of him causes the butterflies to start fluttering in my stomach. I
hold my breath and slow down my pace, trying to steady my over-wrought nerves.

He’s still unaware of my presence and I study him
carefully. He’s staring down at the palm of his hand, as I get closer towards
him I notice that he’s looking at his phone. I can’t help but wonder who he’s
communicating with. He told me that he didn’t have a girlfriend but do I really
know if he was telling me the truth?

“Hey, you.” I tap him on the shoulder and he whirls around.
As soon as his eyes fall on me his entire face lights up. It really is
astonishing how handsome he is. Everything about him is captivating and every
time I’m near him the pull that I feel towards him becomes more indescribable.
The sensation is completely foreign to me, I don’t know whether to embrace it
or run away from it altogether.

“Bethany, it’s so good to see you.” The intensity and
sincerity of his words always takes me by surprise. He somehow manages to
convey every single emotion through his voice, allowing me to feel the
sentiment and force behind them.