Always and Forever (55 page)

I craved my own home; I was twenty-two and wanted to get
away from my parents. They weren’t thrilled when I told them about the baby but
I never expected them to be supportive. Mum had been spending more and more
time away from home, always away for the weekends with friends and I was tired
of being ignored by her. Jake’s Mum was more much supportive; she used to tell
me that I reminded her of a younger version of herself. Jake and his mum never
really saw eye to eye but they both agreed that the ideal solution was for Jake
and I to get our own place.

Things were going well and I was the happiest I’d ever
been. Even though I was pregnant I didn’t see why my social life had to come to
an end. Jake already has his job working at the bar and they increased his
hours when he told them how badly he needed the money. I used to accompany him
when he was working, mainly so I could keep an eye on him and warn the girls
who wouldn’t take no for an answer to stay away from. The fact that Jake and I
were having a baby together didn’t deter stop them and it was a real problem
for me, I was struggling to deal with it. I trusted Jake but I didn’t trust
them.

 One thing that did really annoy me was how protective
Jake had become. He no longer wanted me in the bar where he worked; he forbade
me from drinking a single drop of alcohol and told me I shouldn’t be going to
any parties without him. It all became so intense and I was finally starting to
understand the monumental decision I had made and what it was changing in my
life. I was desperately in need of some excitement; all Jake was concerned
about was the baby and saving enough money to put down a deposit for a flat
together. I started going out with my friends behind his back and I admit to
having the occasional drink or two.

My sex life with Jake had deteriorated; something that had
always been so passionate had become practically non-existent. Jake was
terrified of hurting me and damaging the baby, he stayed well away from me and
I felt more alone than ever. I wanted him to want me like he did before and I
missed the fiery uncontrollable heat between us.

 I started to wonder if he was cheating on me but Jake
was working every single hour he was apart from me and deep down I knew he
wouldn’t do such a thing. I eventually came to the conclusion that he just
didn’t want me anymore and the knowledge of this fuelled the bitterness I had
started to feel towards our baby. I resented it for changing my life and I
almost despised Jake for only staying with because of the baby. I never wanted
baby in the first place but it was the only way I could think of to make sure
Jake would stay with me.

He started to take such an active interest in the baby, I
felt like I was irrelevant and I was jealous of all of the attention he was
giving to it. The ultimate decision I made to cheat on Jake was something I did
out of spite, I wanted revenge and I wanted to punish him for the fact that he
didn’t really want me. The guys I slept with had no idea that I was pregnant,
none of them even knew Jake or they would have made the choice of staying far
away from me. It’s not that I was interested in any of them; I just wanted to
feel desirable again. None of them were concerned with being gentle towards me,
they only wanted me for my body and that was fine by me. Jake was the only man
I gave my heart to and nothing would change that.

 I was out with my friends one night, we had been
drinking and dancing for hours and I needed a break. It was when I was in the
toiler that I noticed I was bleeding. The stomach pains soon followed and I
knew I had to get to a hospital. I was hysterical as I made my way over to my
friends; I begged them to call Jake and to get me some help. A girl from the
party drove me there and I was given a scan right away. I was then told that I
had lost the baby.

I was in complete shock. It felt like my whole world had
just come to an end. Guilt began to devour me as I sobbed helplessly. I knew it
would be the end of me and Jake, he wouldn’t he stay with me if there was no
baby. My future with him was over and I had ruined everything.

I’ll never forget the look on his face when he found out.
He was heartbroken and there was nothing I could do to comfort him. I realised
he didn’t feel anything for me, he was in love with the baby and I didn’t even
matter. I suppose deep down I’d always known but I was unwilling to face the
truth.

I didn’t want the miscarriage to change anything between
us, I knew Jake would continue to support me and I presumed he would stay with
me, even if it was out of guilt. However, after that night in the hospital,
things didn’t go according to plan. Jake avoided me like the plague, he
wouldn’t allow me anywhere near him. He refused to see me and I didn’t know
what to do. He stopped going into work, he wouldn’t even leave the house. He
became a shell of the man I once knew and the distance between us only grew as
we drifted further and further apart.

I dealt with everything that was going on the only way I
knew how. I fell into an endless cycle of drinking, parties and sex with
strangers. I longed for Jake but knew he didn’t want me and I suppose my
reckless behaviour was my way of trying to forget.

The night Jake caught me having sex with someone else was the
worst night of my entire life. I’d been drinking and somehow made my way
upstairs with some random guy who I hadn’t even spoken to before that night. I
was bored out of my mind, waiting for the numb sensation I craved to take over.
Every time I had sex with someone that wasn’t Jake it was the same. I relied
upon the feeling to erase everything else in my mind, to switch off from
reality.

I had closed my eyes, wanting it to be over with when I
heard a sharp intake of breath. I looked over the guy’s shoulder towards the
doorway and saw Jake standing there glaring at the two of us on the bed. He
remained frozen, his eyes cold and heartless. He turned away from me and was
nearly out the door when the idiot on top of me started laughing.

 I shut my eyes again, knowing what was about to
happen. Jake dragged the guy from me and ferociously beat him senseless. He was
relentless, Jake’s fists smashing against his face over and over again,
ignoring my pleas for him to stop. I confess that a part of me was enthralled
by Jake’s fury; it gave me some hope that something could be salvaged between
us. I misinterpreted Jake’s aggression, thinking he still had had some sort of
feelings for me and was jealous. The truth was he just wanted an outlet for his
pent up anger, he was still grieving the loss of the baby and wanted a human
punch back to take it out on.

When Jake finally stopped, he looked me up and down in
disgust. His entire face was devoid of any emotion and he left. I begged him to
stay, I even ran after him but he simply ignored me. It was as though he was
made of stone and he couldn’t hear me. Things were so much worse than they had
been before and I knew it was futile even trying to win Jake back. I had to
give him some space in the hope that he would eventually be in the right state
of mind to talk with me again.

I missed him like crazy those first few weeks. I never knew
how hard it would be to be apart from him. He was like an addiction and my
withdrawal from him was unbearable to say the least. Eventually being away from
him was just too hard and I decided I had to make the first move, I decided to
accompany my friends when they went to his house one Friday night. Several
weeks had done by since I had last seen him and absolutely nothing could have
prepared me for the initial heartache I would feel when I first saw him again.

He was utterly astonished to see me at his house and the
horrified expression on his face was enough to make me doubt my decision to go
there. He was polite enough and we managed to survive our first awkward
conversation together. His anger towards me seemed to have gone and for that I
was thankful. I thought it would only be a matter of time before Jake and I
started hanging out again, I decided to be patient and give him some space. Of
course, it never happened. Jake was never around, he was always working and
then would mysteriously go somewhere every Friday night.

I finally came to the conclusion that he must have met someone
else. It was enough to drive me insane and I swore to myself I would find out
who she was. I became obsessed, wondering who the hell he was with and it’s
safe to say I’ve made a complete fool of myself over the last few weeks in
front of him.

 I hit my lowest point when Jake threw me out of his
house. I’d been drinking all night and I was desperate. I was determined to
find out who he’d been seeing and he repaid me by treating me like dirt,
humiliating me in front of everybody. His reaction that night made me realise I
had really lost him, my future with Jake died when our baby did.

I decided to go to Jake’s house last night because I had
run out of ideas. I didn’t want him to forget about me and if that meant I had
to keep on reminding him about our history and my existence then so be it. I
don’t regret going last night because I now know what I’m dealing with. I know
who I’m up against.

I really thought Jake had changed his mind when he turned
up on my doorstep an hour ago. I thought he had come to tell me that he was
sorry and that he wanted to give me a second chance.

I’m still holding the glass of water in my hand, staring
out my kitchen window as though I’m miraculously going to find a solution out
there. The house is eerily quiet, my dad’s more than likely passed out at a
local bar somewhere and God knows where my mum is. She’s been away for the past
week or so, she’s rarely even here. The silence makes things worse and the
jumbled up thoughts in my head won’t stop swirling.

I just know that little bitch I met last night will have an
idyllic home life, two perfect parents and a white picket fence in the suburbs.
Jealousy and resentment consume me when I think of everything she’s stolen from
me. I fling the glass at the wall opposite me, watching it shatter into tiny
pieces. I can’t be bothered to clean up the mess and decide to leave it as it
is. I drag myself upstairs and make my way into the bathroom, removing my
clothes and turn on the shower.

 I stand underneath the water for a very long time. I
completely exhausted and have no idea where I’m supposed to go from him. I’ve
lost everything and nothing seems to matter to me anymore. I want to cry and
rid myself of the tangled up emotion inside of me but I have no more tears
left. I’ve never felt defeated like this and I don’t intend for this useless
state of mind to last.

I might be injured, I might be wounded but I am not broken.
I still want him. I’ve always wanted him and I’m not the type of girl who
stands by and lets another bitch take what is rightfully hers. She might have
won the battle but she will not win the war. She’s delusional if she thinks I’m
going to let her get away with this.

 I switch off the shower and step out of it, wrapping
a large towel around myself. I walk over to the bathroom mirror and wipe away
the condensation on it, revealing my reflection. I smile to myself, feeling a
lot more optimistic than I did a few minutes ago. That silly little girl can’t
even begin to compete, it might take some time but it will all be worth it in
the end. I’ve already waited so many years; a couple more months won’t make
much difference. I won Jake once and I can do it again, except this time I
won’t need to get myself pregnant to do it. She should enjoy her happiness
whilst she still can, if I have it my way it won’t last very long.

I glance at my reflection again and notice my blue eyes are
now sparkling, they look energised and hopeful, the complete opposite of how I
felt after Jake left. For the first time in a long while I feel confident and
upbeat.

 Now this is going to be fun…

Bethany

Jake’s concern and his excessive anxiety about my safety
was enough to drive me crazy during the first few days after that fateful
night. I kept on reassuring him that I was ok but nothing I said was enough to
convince him. He wanted us to go to the police and report what happened,
something I knew was impossible because it would mean Jake would go to prison
for his own crime against my attacker.

I blamed myself for what happened and I didn’t want Jake to
be the one to suffer for my own stupidity. No woman ever deserves to be
assaulted but I do have to take my share of the responsibility. It was my own
irrationality that caused me to run away from Jake in the first place. I never
should have put myself in such a dangerous situation.

I admit there are times I find myself lying to Jake. He’ll
ask me if I’m ok and I’ll tell him that I’m fine, when in actual fact it
couldn’t be further from the truth. I suppose on some level I’m trying to convince
myself that I’m ok. I don’t want to think that anything’s changed. I want to
believe that I’m no different, that I haven’t been damaged by the events that
changed my life on Wednesday night.

The façade I put on for Jake is not the truth. I have nightmares,
terrible ones that prevent me from forgetting what that animal did to me. I
know we have to keep it a secret, Jake will be arrested if we go to the police
and tell them what happened.

I was furious with Jake when he told me he visited Sarah
the day after my horrible altercation with her. I felt betrayed and hated the
thought of him being anywhere near her. He did eventually manage to explain
things to me, he told me he warned her to stay away from us and I just hoped
she had listened to him and would leave well alone from now on.

It was obvious there was still something bothering him, he
was emotionally distant and I just sensed something else was troubling him. I
wanted him to feel like he could talk about it but my instincts told me I
shouldn’t force the issue. Jake eventually did confide in me and I could hardly
believe it when he told me he had found out Sarah had been cheating on him long
before he caught her that night. I don’t think his problem was the fact she had
cheated, it was about the baby. He despised the thought of her going with other
men whilst pregnant. I confess, it did shock me and I couldn’t help but
sympathise with him. Jake was really suffering; he was terrorized by the past
and the knowledge of Sarah’s indiscretions. There was nothing I could do about
it and it and this wounded my ego more than I care to admit.

I was incredibly relieved when gran was released from the
hospital just a few days after her fall. I was really looking forward to having
her back home again. It would bring an end to my regular meetings with Jake but
I always knew that it couldn’t last forever and I was ready to reacquaint
myself with reality.

I needn’t have worried, gran surprised us all when she
announced that she’d arranged a little holiday for herself whilst she was in
hospital. Mum was really concerned when gran told us the news; she thought the
best place for her would be her own home and somewhere we could keep an eye on
her. I could understand where mum was coming from but gran was determined, an
old school friend of hers had invited her to stay for a few weeks and she
really wanted the rest and recuperation.

Gran was so excited; mum didn’t have the heart to stop her.
She promised she’d let us know how she was doing every single day and in the end
we didn’t have much choice in the matter.

 All my life gran has put me first, she never went on
any vacations or weekends away and now that I look back, I can see it was
because she wanted to remain close by. She’s always put my welfare above her
own and now it’s time for me to put her needs first. Gran knows that I have
Jake now and I think she feels comfortable leaving me here with him to take
care of me. It’s amazing how much trust she’s placed in him, I think she
realises how things really are between us. She knows how protective Jake is and
trusts in his abilities to keep me safe.

Friday was a day we were all dreading, the day my father
was due to return home. We all recognised that our brief taste of freedom was
about to come to an end and the torturous wait for his return was almost too
much to bear. Jake was still being unbelievably persistent trying to persuade
me to leave home and move in with him. I feel guilty turning him down over and
over again but it’s way too soon. I love Jake but I can’t help feeling it’s not
the right time for either of us to make such a monumental decision.

The arguments we’ve been having leave me emotionally and
physically exhausted.  Jake would get frustrated and I’d be just plain
mad. Our disagreements were getting in the way of our time together and the
constant rowing was draining us both.

Imagine our delight when my mum informed me that my father
had telephoned to let her know he was extending his ‘business trip’ for another
week. I couldn’t believe it, he’s never been away from home before and here he
was prolonging his time away for another seven days. I can’t help but wonder if
he still expects me to go on our damn vacation when he gets back. That’s when
we’re scheduled to go and I don’t know what I’ll do if he still insists upon us
going.

I remember the night he told me he’d arranged for us to go
away together, it felt like the end of the world to me and I was powerless to
do anything about it. I went to bed that night feeling desolate and alone. I
had no idea then that my life was about to change, it was the week before I met
Jake, the boy who altered every single aspect of my world.

Jake was calmer once he knew my father wouldn’t be home for
another week and I chose not to mention my anxiety over the stupid holiday
we’re supposed to be going on. When I first met Jake I did tell him about it
but so much has happened since then, I think he’s forgotten all about it. I
intend to keep it that way seeing as it will only cause more arguments between
us and that’s the last thing I want.

My new living situation has been blissful. Especially since
I don’t have to work in the bookstore whilst my father’s away; I guess he
doesn’t trust me to be there without his supervision seeing as he closed the
shop when he first left.

The second week flew by and the only word I can think of to
describe it is perfect. I was in heaven and every single moment of my freedom
was precious. I spent as much time with Jake as I could; we found the time to
meet up with one another everyday and each time I was forced to tell mum I was
spending time with Amy. My conscience doesn’t seem to trouble me like it once
did and it unnerves me that I now find it easier to deceive her.

I could tell she was dreading Friday again just like I was.
It was the day he was scheduled to come home, a week after his last phone call
telling us he would be away a bit longer. I couldn’t sleep the night before and
on Friday morning I had dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. My
father had been away for fourteen days and the fear over his imminent return.

When mum told me he had yet again postponed his time away
and wouldn’t be back for a few weeks, I could scarcely believe my luck. My
elation didn’t last long; I couldn’t shake the disturbing awareness I had that something
was wrong. I questioned his motives and it started to ruin my exhilaration over
him being away. My exuberance was nothing compared to Jake’s, he was ecstatic
when I told him the news and he was so much more relaxed without my father’s
looming presence hanging over us.

This morning I wake up to the sun’s rays streaming in
through my bedroom curtains. I’ve had three glorious weeks without his
suffocating presence smothering the life out of me and today I decide to stop
troubling myself over the things I have no control over.  We haven’t heard
from him since his last phone call which was seven days ago and there’s no sign
he’s heading back here anytime soon. From now on I’m going to enjoy every
single moment and deal with problems only when they arise. It’s a much more
carefree of looking at things and it eases the weight of the burden I’ve been
carrying for a long time.

I wipe the sleep out of my eyes and make my way into the
bathroom, wondering why I still feel so tired when I’ve been getting plenty of
rest. I suppose I could be sickening for something, it’s probably just the
early symptoms of a cold coming.

I’m in the middle of washing my hair in the shower when I
realise why I’ve been feeling so lousy these past few days. My period must be
due and I sometimes feel a little groggy around this time of the month. I’m
towel drying my hair after my shower when I freeze, a horrifying thought
suddenly occurs to me. When was the last time I got my period? It must have
only been a few weeks ago but for some reason it seems to feel like a long
time.

God, what if I’m pregnant? Is that why I’ve been so tired
lately? No, it can’t be true, that’s impossible, the idea is ludicrous. I can’t
be pregnant, can I?

Ignoring mum’s voice shouting upstairs that my breakfast is
ready, I hurry back into my bedroom and hastily search the contents of my top
drawer. I thumb through my little black notebook, frantically turning the pages
to today’s date. My hands are shaking and I can scarcely breathe I’m so
nervous. I arrive on the current date and blink several times, doubting the
accuracy of my sight. I turn back the pages and land on the tiny little circle
I drew a few weeks ago. Five weeks ago to be exact… I’m seven days late.

My eyes blur with unshed tears as I forcefully bite down on
my lower lip. My period is one week late and that can’t be good. It makes no
sense because Jake and I have been so careful these last two weeks, he insisted
that he start wearing a condom because I didn’t want to take on the
responsibility of concealing multiple packets of contraceptive pills at home.

I think back to the very first time Jake and I had sex. We
didn’t use anything then and we continued to be careless for a few days after
that. The last time we were careless was the night we were in the shower
together, the same night Jake rescued me from that pervert and that was just
over two weeks ago. How could I have been so stupid? Jake tried to warn me
after our first time together and I just thought he was being paranoid.

I’m suddenly startled by a knock on my bedroom door, its
mum asking if I’m coming downstairs for my breakfast. Food is the last thing on
my mind right now but it’s not like I can tell her the reason why. I place my
black notebook back inside my top drawer, wiping away the last of my tears. I
can’t let mum suspect anything is wrong, I have to act normal. Besides, it
might just be a false alarm; I doubt I’m really pregnant. It’s just not
possible.

I make polite conversation with mum over breakfast; I
answer her questions but can’t manage to take in a single thing she’s saying.
My mind keeps on racing with uncontrollable thoughts, threatening to consume me
if I let them.

“Bethany, are you ok? You look a little pale.”

 I’m startled by mum’s question and plaster a carefree
smile on my face.

“I’m feeling a little unwell, I think I might go for a
walk, some fresh air might help.”

“But you haven’t eaten anything, are you sure you’re
alright?” She asks me worriedly.

“I’m fine, don’t worry. I won’t be long.”

 I make my way to the front door before she can say
anything else. Once I’m in the hallway I hear her footsteps fade away into the
kitchen. Now I know she’s at the other end of the house I know it’s safe to
sneak back up the stairs.

I silently open the door to my parent’s bedroom; my hands
are trembling as I quietly open the bottom drawer on my father’s side of the
bed. He always used to keep it in here and I just hope he hasn’t change his
hiding place over the years.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I see its still there, the
key to the book store. I curl my fingers around the cold metal, placing it in
my pocket.

I take a deep breath as soon as I’ve made it back down the
stairs and outside. I hoped the fresh air would help but it only makes things
worse. My head feels all dizzy and the ground beneath me starts to shift. It
takes a few moments but eventually my nausea starts to leave me. I’m dreading
this next part but know I have to find the strength to go ahead with it. I need
to know the truth.

I keep my head down the whole way there. I’m not sure why
but I have the strangest sensation that I’m being watched. I choose to ignore
the peculiar feeling, putting it down to paranoia and quicken my pace. The
bookstore is the last place on earth I want to go but it’s the only place I can
go to get what I need. I arrive at the store a couple of minutes later and I’m
surprised by how relieved I am to be out of sight and indoors. The awareness of
being observed was so intense; it followed me all the way here.