Always and Forever (57 page)

“Jake, let go! You’re hurting me.”

I grapple with him to let go of my wrists but he refuses to
let go. He’s somehow managed to convince himself I have to tell him something
about Callum. He’s automatically assumed the worse and convinced himself I’ve
betrayed him.

“I’m not letting you go until you tell me everything. What
have you done with him?” He demands, shaking me roughly, as though he can
somehow force the truth out of me.

“How can you ask me that? I haven’t done anything with him,
I haven’t even seen him!” I shout angrily.

“I don’t believe you! I saw how guilty you looked a moment ago
and I want to know what’s so damn difficult for you to tell me.”

“Let. Me. Go.” I speak slowly but with a calm
determination. I will not speak to him whilst he’s holding seizing me like
this.

He sighs in frustration but reluctantly release his grip, turning
his back on me. I take my opportunity and quietly slip into the living room,
leaving him out in the hallway. I stand by the window, hardly able to control
my trembling. I suddenly feel Jake’s hands on my shoulders, turning me around
to look at him.

“Tell me, I need to know what’s happened? You contacted
him, right? You met up with him behind my back?”

“No, that’s not what happened.” I tell him truthfully.

“Then why did you look so guilty? You still look guilty and
I want to know why.”

“I think I should go, you’re obviously not going to listen
to anything I have to say right now.” I say solemnly, walking towards the door
that leads back into the hallway.

Jake is barring my exit and blocking my path before I even
make it halfway there.

“He fucked you, didn’t he?”

His words are like venom, wounding me beyond repair. He
towers above me, his height such a huge contrast to my own. He overpowers me in
every single sense and yet I’m still not scared of him. I know Jake would never
hurt me and as furious as he is right now that’s not going to change. He’s
aggressive, angry, passionate and intense but he’d rather die than touch a
single hair on my head.

“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare say that to me! I would
never, ever betray you like that.” My voice breaks as my eyes fill with tears
of frustration. Pleading with the man I love and trying to convince him of my
commitment to him is something I never imagined myself doing.

“I can see you’re hiding something, I can see it in your
eyes. Don’t torture me, Bethany. I need to know.”

His breathing’s erratic and his teeth are clenched. I can
see the muscle in his jaw flinching underneath the skin, his anger is so
immense.

“You really have to calm down, just look at what you’re
doing to yourself. You’re in such a state over something that hasn’t even
happened!”

“I fucking loved you! I still love you, Bethany. I don’t
know how to stop but I need you to stop lying to me. Tell me what you’re hiding
from me.”

“You’re right, I do have something to tell you but it’s got
nothing to do with Callum. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since the night you
saw us together.”

“God, I can’t stop picturing it. The mental image I have of
the two of you together is driving me fucking crazy. I need to know what you’re
keeping from me before I go insane picturing you with him.” He roars, pacing
back and forth like a wild animal.

 “You don’t need to imagine anything because it
didn’t
happen.”

I’m trying so hard to remain calm, it’s important for me to
stay rational, even if every instinct in my body is screaming at me to run away
from him.

 Jake turns away from me. It’s as though he can’t even
look at me anymore; his eyes are searching for something, moving rapidly over
every object in the room and I can only hope he’s not looking for something he
can break. He stops suddenly, glowering at me incredulously, it’s like a
horrifying thought just occurred to him.

“Did you lie to me about your virginity? Is that what this
is about? Was I really your first?” He asks, whirling around to glare at me.

“Of course you were! How can you say such a thing to me?
Why won’t you believe me?” I sob despairingly.

“You didn’t bleed.” He mumbles darkly, a frightening and
formidable tone takes over his voice.

“What?” I whisper disbelievingly. I can hardly speak, my
heart is pounding and my throat feels dry.

“When we had sex you didn’t bleed. If you really were a
virgin then you would have.”

His gaze flashes up to mine, staring at me with cold,
detached eyes; one’s which are now devoid of any emotion. It’s enough to send
chills down my spine.

“What are you saying, Jake?”

“I’m saying that it all makes sense now. Someone fucked you
before me and that’s why you didn’t bleed.” He growls.

“Are you crazy? Not every girl bleeds, Jake! It doesn’t
mean I wasn’t a virgin just because I didn’t. Anyway, how would you know that?
You told me you’ve never taken someone’s virginity before. Were
you
the
one lying to me?”

 My own jealousy is awakened as I await his reply.
Jake remains silent, he doesn’t give me an answer and my heart starts to beat
rapidly.

“No, I didn’t lie to you.” His voice sounds convincing but
his face says something different.

Forget this; I’m done trying to reason with him. I’m
exhausted, emotionally and physically. I came here with one intention and that was
to tell Jake that I’m pregnant. I’m no closer to telling him the truth than I
was the moment we stepped through the front door and Jake’s the only one I
blame for that.

“I’m going to kill him. I’m going to fucking kill him.
Where is he? Where does he live?”

He grabs my arms, shaking me, demanding details that I
don’t have.

“I don’t know where he lives! I’ve already told you I
haven’t been in touch with him!” I cry helplessly.

He remains still and unflinching, a cold suit of armour
between us, preventing him from feeling anything but bitterness and resentment.

“Tell me!” He shouts, so close to my face we’re practically
nose to nose.

“I’m leaving. This is ridiculous; you’re not listening to a
single word I’m saying. You’re not the boy I know and love right now. I don’t
know who the hell you are but you’re not him.”

“You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what your
secret is. If it’s not Callum and it’s not about your virginity what the fuck
is it?”

“I’m going home. Don’t you dare try and stop me.” I lift my
face up towards his as a challenge.

 My portrayal of courage seems to work because he
finally surrenders, letting go of my arms. I slowly start to walk away from
him, taking a look back when I reach the doorway. He drags his fingers through
his black hair, letting his head fall back helplessly. His eyes are closed as
he swallows; his shoulders rise and fall with every strenuous breath. He’s in
so much pain; I know I can’t leave him here like this. Jake has said some
unforgivable things to me tonight but I promised him a long time ago that I
would stop running out on him. I promised I wouldn’t leave him and I’m going to
stick to that promise.

“What are you still doing here? You said you were leaving.”
He says spitefully.

“I never betrayed you, Jake. I haven’t cheated. However, I
did come here tonight to tell you something and I still need to do that.”

“Go ahead, surprise me.” He sneers, his words dripping with
sarcasm scorn.

“I’m pregnant.”

The stillness in the air is deafening, our elongated
silence is making me much more uncomfortable than our raised voices were a
moment ago.

“Wow.” He breathes out slowly, chuckling contemptuously.

“That’s all you have to say?” I say incredulously, ignoring
the rage threatening to consume me.

“That’s really low, Bethany. You think I’m actually going
to believe that lie again? I’ve been told that one before I’m not falling for
it again.” His toxic tongue cuts me like a knife and for the first time I feel
a real sense of hatred for Jake, something I never thought was even possible.

“It’s true. I found out today.” My voice is calm, coherent
and certain. I’m done with tantrums and the tears.

“But… what about Callum?”

“I haven’t seen or spoken to him since that night. I’m
telling you the truth. I’m pregnant and don’t insult me by asking if it’s your
baby. You’re the only person I’ve ever been with and you know it.”

All of a sudden my body feels weary, my head hurts and all
I want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear. I used to think that Jake
was the only person in the whole world who would never, ever hurt me. I guess I
was wrong.

I’m shocked and startled when two strong arms envelope me.
My forehead, face and lips are covered with kisses as Jake murmurs his apologies
to me over and over again.

“God, I’ve been a fucking idiot. I’m so sorry; I’m
unbelievably sorry, baby. I don’t know what I was thinking. I doubted you and I
shouldn’t have. I thought you were about to break my heart, I thought you were
going to rip it out of my chest and stomp all over it, that’s why I said what I
did. I’ve never had one reason to question you and yet I still doubted. Please
forgive me; I’ll make it all ok again, I promise you I’ll fix this. Everything
will be fine. We’re ok. You believe me, don’t you?” The agony and anguish in
his voice is palpable, such a huge contrast to the ruthless aggression he
showed me a moment ago.

“I don’t know, Jake. How can you take back everything you
just said? Most of it was pretty unforgivable.” I say dubiously.

“It
was
unforgivable, all of it. I know I fucked up
but please let me make this right. I’ll do anything. Look at me, Bethany. Look
at me and tell me you’re ok, tell me you forgive me.”

He cups my face with his hands, forcing me to look him in
the eyes. They burn with a ferocious intensity for me, smouldering with want
and desperation. He pulls me even tighter against him, nuzzling against my
neck, breathing me in. He frantically tries to make contact with every part of
me, trailing his lips up and down my neck, moving my T-shirt aside to reach my
shoulders and my collarbone.

“Stop.” I protest weakly, fighting every single urge in my
body, trying to numb myself to the exquisite sensations Jake’s touch ignites.

“No, don’t fight me, Bethany. Let me make this right. I can
make you feel good, you know I can. Let me do this, I’ll show you how sorry I
am.” He whispers soothingly, attempting to shush me.

It’s unbelievably difficult but I somehow manage to find
the strength to push him away from me, unwilling to surrender myself to him so
easily.

“You can’t just fix everything with a few measly kisses,
Jake.”

“At least let me try…” He moves towards me again but I turn
my face away, stubbornly refusing his persuasive pursuit.

“Bethany, I’m begging you… don’t do this. Don’t push me
away, not now, not when we need each other the most. I’m so ashamed of myself ,
I’m disgusted and I’ll keep on apologising to you for the rest of my life if I
have to but right now we have to talk about things. You’re having my baby.” He
traces his thumb down the side of my face, gazing at me in reverence.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you since we walked
through the door. What are we going to do, Jake? I’m so scared.”

I can’t fight this anymore; I don’t want to be brave. I
want to break down I cry, I want to scream and shout and use Jake as punch bag.
I need to release a fraction of this fear before it eats me alive.

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to worry, ok? I’m going to take
care of you. I’ll protect you, I swear.” He strides over towards me, enfolding
his powerful arms around me once again.

“I can’t believe this is really happening to me. I don’t
want this, Jake.”

“I know. I know it’s a shock and it’s going to take us both
some time to get used to the idea but I want you to know something. You have to
know that I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. I lost my mind for a second back
there and I realise what a selfish, jealous, possessive and overbearing bastard
I can be. I lashed out at the person I love most in the world. It’s no excuse
but I honestly thought you were going to tell me something that would hurt no
less than plunging a knife into my heart. You’re my whole world and now there’s
this baby, a baby that’s a part of us, you and me.”